"Aw, fuck..." I groaned out as I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was a massive orb of fire I know and Love, I got up and looked around to see... A frozen wasteland, it looks empty and lonely, What was I doing, oh yea hunting... Aw fuck I tripped and my gun went off in my face, feeling around to only find my face a tuque and a pair of goggles "the fuck?" I look at my gun to see a fuck ton of blood and other shit. "Aw, what the Hell!?" I curse at the gore covered equipment.

I heard a squeak from behind me after I cursed, I turned around to come eye-to-eye to a Fucking vampire mini-horse with a black mane and gray fur, wearing some sort of goggles, a hat, and scarf with, saddlebags? Well, that must've scared me pretty bad to put a shell of birdshot into its head... "Uh..." shaking my head to try and get rid of the ringing, I look up to see two more of them they look at me with what I could assume was a shock, confusion, and a mix of fear,

"Uh... AAAAAGHH!!!!" the one on the left screamed, it was odd to see something like them, the one that left was blue with an olive drab mane and tail, a horn?, and some weird ass-mark of a pickaxe, leaving me in a dazed state from hearing a scream akin to a siren, it dashed away like a bullet. I stared at the spot it was a few seconds ago, I look at the corpse and the bag on its back I then look to the head... Missing head.

"Huh... I wonder if it's edible," I thought out loud then a grumble from my stomach is heard... "Fuck it im hungry" I am not that hungry just curious what a horse taste like... No just hungry... Right?

The other an odd hue of bright orange, blue and a pattern of an arrow on its ass, with some wings, sat there for a few minutes... "Hi?" I asked, THAT got it out of its stupor and started running as If I raped it, I looked at the corpse again, then the realization hit me like buckshot... Or birdshot...

The fuck circle-jerk!?...

[Five hours later and a mental breakdown and in an abandoned camp, I've, "found"]

Sitting by a fire with a spit roast I've managed to pull out of my ass and the burning bat-mini-horse-vampire thing... I think I am just curious... OH!, the bags... Let's see here

The bags had some weird stuff, let's see, a dagger, some gems, hay, some long pink thing I will not mention... Um ok... Some playing cards, a bottle of wine, a pair of shattered goggles... Obviously, a journal and for some odd reason a spent 12 gauge shell,
Some paper with writing...

About a week ago there was a weird power surge that almost all unicorns felt from canterlot to the crystal empire, The princess made a bounty to see what it is, she also says to check the east side of the mountain for the disturbance like weird creatures, portals or some other weird stuff like that, thestrals ponies and some diamond dogs live there, they may help in the search, this reward goes for five thousand bits, royal guards have been posted nearby to-

Huh there's some other writing there too but ill read later "the fucks a diamond dog'" I say as I looked back to the bag, then to the book... I read the book for a bit and found out the SHE found the shell after some searching for a creature, I looked up and frowned at the pages before that, family moments personal moments, and other stuff, roughly about fifteen years of writing.

And her name was Leatherwing judging by the title 'diary of Leatherwing'

Now I feel bad for cooking her... Fuck it I am still eatin' her!... "That doesn't sound right," I say to myself

I facepalm as In all the time I had I've never taken inventory of what I had with me ...

• semi-auto shotgun
• bolt-action rifle
• double-action revolver
• thick jacket with pockets
• two-way toque currently orange
• A Fuck ton of ammo for guns
• some now cooking horse meat
• cyanide... Why?
• a first aid kit
• glow sticks
• can of beans... Fuck it
• asorted butcher/cleaning tools
• some survival stuff
• some awesome looking dagger
• a deck of cards
• journal
• and a screw loose in my head.

With my list done I look up and eat my catch, still somehow scared for the fact I feel no remorse for the girl... Mare? Whatever...

[a few days and being attacked by the human-dog things with clubs crossbows and swords]
[and basically becoming a pirate: murder, theft, and, hostages for example]

BANG the shot echoed for a through the village as I put down my fourth dog today, By the way, I may have started a war between the newly established Hork-dork republic and the Ddog-faggot-brigade as I like to call it, for my part minor injuries and no casualties, for them... About nine or fewer deaths in their ranks and bullet wound galore,

"AaAAAIIIEEEEeee" an armoured dog shrieked in pain as he fell to the .357 round in his left leg,

"We not fail again ape dog! Circle-jerk!" one said in very annoying broken English

" Just leave me the fuck alone!" I responded to the veteran dog I know as Samuel, he and I didn't meet under good circumstances, as in I ate a close friend, leatherwing... Yea the journal mentioned that. Also on another note, golden armoured ponies are patrolling by day and by night the bat-vampire ones by night

Looking at Samuel I began to talk " seriously dude you don't have the ma- dog-power to take me." I told him. He just glared at me, "sam I told you I ain't an ape nor dog ya dingus" he just aimed a crossbow at me, I however seen this and shot it out of his hand... Now he's pissed that I blew his index off "sam-"I began but was cut off as an armoured pony in gold armour came to his side she was short as were all of the others, gold armour white and a blue broom thing on top,

"Stand down beast!!!" aww cute "by the order of the princess you will be taken into custody were you will face tra- BANG -AAail" she screamed as I fired a .308 near her and debris flew around, she looks honestly scared now the D-dogs long since did a "tactical retreat" because when I pull out the rifle I look to kill... at least that's what they think I did it to scare them and the smell of piss hit my nose

"heh you ponies are cute you know that" she shivered at my comment, I hope in fear, "tell your cuteness defence force won't do shit but cute me to death" she nods and darts I think there called earth ponies, the ones with no horn or wings but I can't tell with the armour, not a unicute but probably a pegafluffle... yes I've given them names like the shinepones are the ones in silver armour and shine like a lighthouse

now the village, I saw it from far away, mostly the three in a half-foot ponies and griffins maybe some diamond dogs but I don't care the reason I came here was to look for fruit or vegetables... oh the fuck is that in the distance,

there about sixteen kilometres away is a large crystal eyesore I'll check it out later because in a house I see a pony...

letting a sadistic laugh to scare my enemies, weird how I've been treating this place as a playground kicking the door in (i think it opened outward judging by the crack) I continue my fuck-you-all taunt with a "Heres Jonny" thing

[one hour later] well fuck there's pink a horned pegafluffle here now]

"javelin heart, you said it was here," said the pink one "hello?"

the same gold armoured one from before looked at me, like directly into my eyes "fuck she sees me"

the pink one follows her line of sight and tilts her head, which turned into a glare as she saw me in the window...

[uh fuck]

" fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck!" you know I think this is karma for me being an asshole to these things "no fuck fuck fuck fuck"
she's on my ass with a metric fuck ton of guards, not wanting to make it worse I didn't shoot back as they pelted the general direction of me with bolts and arrows and... motherfucker they call it magic I just call it mini-launched-plasma-shit or M.L.P.Shit... heh

ow there's a burn on my back and a bolt in my leg, unfortunately still alive

I was going to turn around and yell profanities but the glare the pink one was making me nearly shit myself and so I run!!!

Author's Note

opening for this story

don't expect much from this

what should happen to our dumbass sadistic and cynical human

also, I am not going to pay much attention to this but I'll try if it does go somewhere

he doesn't really like to use his name but he calls himself circle-jerk... yea