“Is this your sex dungeon?” you ask plainly as you descend the stairs into a well-furnished basement. There were beakers, test tubes, a litany of other sciencey junk, and one lone chair right in the middle of the room.

“My what?” Twilight asks, almost tripping on the last two steps. “Whatever made you think of that?”

“I dunno, you seem like the kind of pony to have a secret sex dungeon.” You responded, instinctively heading for the chair in the middle of the room.

“Atlas said you hadn’t met any other ponies, so what exactly makes that distinction?”

“Statistics. Since Atlas doesn’t have one you’re more likely to. It’s simple addition basically,” you smirk, your grasp over advanced mathematics yet another wondrous feature of your personality.

“That’s not how… Nevermind. How do you know Atlas doesn’t have one and I do?”

“Sh- He probably doesn’t need one, you know how he is. And you seem like a kinda mad scientist,” you said, drawing ire, “but in a sexy way - I promise!” That didn’t seem to make things better.

“I’ll have you know I’m a virg-” she stopped, realizing what she was admitting, "Ugh! Can we just drop this whole sex dungeon thing?”

“Whatever, Twi-tight Spark-less. And I thought Atlas was stuffy.”

“Celestia, you are an extraordinarily annoying creature! How did Atlas ever put up with you?”

“We bonded. Things happened out there in that Changeling sex swamp thing. Things that can only be shared between two brothers,” you started, watching Twilight’s face screw up in confusion, “Wait, no! Not like that! Jeez, I didn’t fuck Atlas. I’m not gay!”

“Your sexual orientation is none of my concern. All I care about is whether you’re a risk to Ponyville or Equestria. Can you just maybe tone it down so I can run these tests?”

“Bruh, I ain’t got no chill,” you casually explain.

“This is so not worth my time,” Twilight mumbled to no one in particular, turning towards you, “Listen, I’m gonna put this in terms you’re more likely to appreciate. Atlas is a pushover. He thinks you’re a nice happy, friendly creature because he’d befriend a Manticore if he could. I’m a lot more cynical. Your aura is weird, you’re weird, and you’re a filthy creature. If I had found you, we’d already have you locked up in the royal stockades. So please, give me one good reason to magic the shit out of you and I’ll have you wishing we stopped at anal probing.”

“I knew it was a sex dunge-” you started as a ball gag materialized out of nowhere, flying at your face in a pinkish aura. Direct hit.

“That’s better. Now first off, I need to see how you react to various emotions,” Twilight said, trotting over to grab a rack of small vials. Each was filled with a colored powder, of which two looked familiar. “These are concentrated raw emotions, distilled using a bit of Changeling magic.”

You looked at each of the vials as she set them down on the small table next to the chair you were seated in. The set of six vials was book-ended by two familiar powders - red and blue, with an orange, yellow, green, and purple vial in between. They were labeled Love, Anger, Kindness, Envy, Generosity, and Lust. You watched as Twilight took the first vial and dumped a small amount out onto the table. You watched it stir and settle much like what you saw earlier on Metamora.

“Ah, good. That’s the first test out of the way. Congratulations, you’re not a Changeling,” Twilight exclaimed, “Now for these next tests I need you to open your mouth. You have to ingest each of these powders.”

“Mmph,” you mouthed around the gag, refreshing Twilight’s memory.

“Horseapples. If I remove this are you going to behave?”

You nodded enthusiastically. Man were you a good liar.

“Okay,” she acquiesced, the gag disappearing entirely. “First up is Love. All creatures in Equestria possess it, so I must confirm that you’re capable of containing it.” Twilight levitated the vial to your lips and tilted it, allowing the powder to dance along your tongue with a taste almost like cinnamon.

“Um… Am I supposed to be feeling different? I’m uh… not really feelin' the love here.”

“Inconclusive, we’ll revisit it later. Next up, Anger. Many undesirable creatures in Equestria are motivated by anger. We need to make sure that your anger doesn’t cause any dangerous effects.” She tilted the orange vial to your lips, the powder once again crossing your palate. This time however, the taste was spicy - unbearably so, like wasabi by itself.

“Jesus fuck! What the fuck! That shit’s spicy as fuck! Holy shit!” you screamed, writhing in the chair, “Get me some fucking water you purple piece of shit! Who the fuck do you think you are! I don’t have to put up with this shit!” A glass levitated from across the room, filling itself up at a nearby sink before flying toward you, waiting for your grasp. You grabbed it and chugged the entire thing, finally getting relief from the stinging heat of anger.

“Eh, close enough. Remind me not to take you around any foals, you’re a horrible role model,” she paused, the next vial coming to rest against your lips in her magical aura, “This one’s kindness. If you can’t show kindness then you won’t fit in well here in Equestria.” More powder, with a hint of vanilla this time.

“Not feeling much from this one either, to be honest.”

“Ow my hoof!” Twilight feigned, lifting one of her forehooves as if injured. You immediately sprang from your seat and took hold of it.

“Oh no! What’s wrong? Did you hurt yourself? Here, sit down, take a load off - I can stand.”

“Heh… Passed. You can have your seat back, I’m just fine.”

“Oh, are you sure? You had me worried! I didn’t want you to be hurt!” you pestered, taking your seat once more, as asked.

“Next one, Envy. I have a dark history with this one myself. One of my worst mistakes revolves around this emotion.” As you once more took the powder, you tasted a saccharine sweetness that you wanted more of.

“Mmm. That was good shit. You got any more of that?” you ask, “Listen here Sparkbutt, you better not be holding out on me. I’ll fuckin’ burn your house down to find that shit.”

“Eh, no worse than Want it, Need it. I’ll call it a pass.” Twilight confirmed, “Next up, Generosity. Not a requirement, but something I need to know nonetheless.” It tasted like marshmallow this time.

“Yeah, never been much of the generous type.”

“Hey, can I have the last one? It’s Lust, and I’ve heard it feels really good.”

“Yeah sure,” you respond, “Go ahead.”

“You positive? Cause I’d hate to take that away from you. I don’t even need to test for it, it’s like a reward at the end of the test. Just happened to have it laying around so I figured why not.”

“No, you can definitely have it. I don’t want anything to do with it.”

“How generous! You passed!” Twilight remarked, a twinkle in her eye. “Anyway, let’s move on to the last one. Like I said, no need to test for this one, but I’ve got it handy, and I’m curious.”

“Twilight, I’m serious. You can keep it. No need to test that one.”

“It’s okay Anon.”

“No! I insist! I’d rather not.”

“What are you on about, the Generosity potion should have worn off by now. I’m beginning to think you know you don’t want this one. Now I’ve gotta test it. Who knows what you could be hiding? Maybe you’re some kind of Incubus and pleasure sets off your demonic powers!”

“Oh I promise it’s nothing like tha-” you try to say, the blue vial being entirely shoved into your mouth, the powder going straight down your throat without a chance to taste it.

“There, see. Not so bad.”

“Fuuuuuck,” you groan, the room filled with the unmistakable sound of fabric stretching as you instantly tent your shorts.

“WEAPON!” Twilight exclaims, immediately vaporizing your shorts and underwear.

“Twilight, what the FUCK!” you scream, your dick now on prominent display as you scramble to cover your shame with your hands.

“Oh… S-Sorry.” Twilight apologized, averting her eyes.

“This is all part of your crazy sex dungeon scheme to get me to fuck your virgin ass, isn’t it?”

“N-No! I just thought you. I-” Twilight faltered, “I thought you had a weapon!”

“Well as hard as I am right now this thing could cut diamonds, so you’re halfway right. Now can I have my pants back?”

“Uh… About that. Funny story. They’re kinda… not a thing that exists anymore.”

“What you mean to tell me is that you deleted my pants and this isn’t a sex thing?”

“Uuu… I said sorry!” Twilight said, “Although I don’t really see what the big deal is. I’m not wearing any pants and I’m fine.”

“Where I come from clothing is mandatory. I feel naked without my clothes!”

“Well, that is the definition of naked. Still, why is it such a big deal, doesn’t it just go back into your sheath?”

“Sheath? The fuck kinda anatomy you think I’ve got down there.”

“To be honest I didn’t really get a good look. So I just assumed you’d… like a stallion.”

“Well gander all you want,” you say, dramatically lifting away your hands and leaving your crotch on display, “Cause it’s not going anywhere.”

“Oh… Uh, is that average size for your species or…” Twilight asked, “Cause stallions can be almost twice that length.”

“Oh my god Twilight, seriously! The fuck! You’re the sec- Nevermind. Just could you stop fucking staring at my dick.”

“S-sorry. It’s just… I expected, and you’re so much taller, and…” she trailed off, collecting herself for a moment “Alright, last test then.”

“Ugh what this time? Let me guess, you need to make me eat more fucking magical fairy dust. Cause that worked out so well last time.”

“No, actually. This last test is a spell. I need to see how you react to magical energy. Like I said before, you seem to consume magic, but I can’t tell where it’s going. This spell will let me see what happens to magical energy around you. There’s just one catch.”

“First pants, now you’re going to tell me there is anal probing after all. Just my fucking luck.”

“No! I need to be able to touch you with my horn for this. And pony horns are very sensitive so I’m asking that you don’t interrupt me.”

“And where will you be touching me with your pointy head lance?”

“Uh… Your forehead probably.”

“Fine, just don’t stab my eyes out with that thing. Let me just move so you can get a better reach.”

“Wait, no… I need you like this, for science reasons.”

“Science reasons?”

“Yeah. If you’re not sitting, then the volumetric dispensation of test energies doesn’t optimally redistribute for coplanar evaluation. I’d have to do the whole test three times to get a bivertical interpolation sample and then reintegrate that to extrapolate dimensionality. Not that I mind vector calculus, but this way is just easier.”

“So you’re just gonna…”

“Yeah, I’ll just climb up onto your lap. It’ll be fine.”

Twilight, now on top of your lap started firing bubbles of multicolor ethereal light from her horn in the area around you, all of them slowly drawing nearer to you. She finally finished and moved closer to you, her hooves over your shoulders and her face in front of yours. She tilted her head down and brought her horn to rest against your forehead.

“Is that your penis?” Twilight asked, looking between her legs.

“Only if that’s your sopping wet pussy mashed up against it,” you retorted.

“Anon, what the fuck!” Atlas yelled, evidently having entered at exactly the wrong time.

Author's Note

Did you know: Anon knows a little bit of JavaScript, only because 8===D is valid syntax.
Did you know: Twilight Sparkle doesn't know any programming languages because she's a fucking pony and they don't have computers? NERRRRRRRRRD.