It's Always The Quiet Ones.

I thought the lady was goin to explode. For a tense few moments even my stare buckled, and usually only gin can do that. In the space of a single second, her whole countenance had darkened to that of a merciless tyrant, and I seriously thought her highness was about to break her honour code of preserving all life. I'm not a magician by any means, but I reckon that the way that sword of a horn was glowing, I could've been pasted gainst the far wall faster than you could say 'Giggles and
Christmas'.

But the old girl just sighs and leans back in her throne (Yeah, not a chair a throne). Celestia's wings fold neatly behind her, and though I wouldn't admit it, that one sigh broke this mans heart. I'd been made to think she'd given up the chase, but then she goes and says-

" Why don't you join me on the balcony, it's a lovely day. I should know"

Just as if I had come for tea.
The room was practically smothered in crimson drapes, except for an outcrop in the masonry that led to a veranda, closed off by a giant pair of what seemed like French windows. Effortlessly, Celsestia paced over to the glass walls and without so much as a warning moved the tremendous things with a single flash of her horn. They slotted out of a locking mechanism, unleashing still more brilliant sunshine, into the room. Somehow I thought remotely opening my garage door wouldn't be as impressive. She craned her immaculate neck over to the stupefied guards that immediately scrambled to attention.

"Leave us now."

The guards gave quick salutes and trotted out dazedly, shutting the doors behind them with their teeth. Rather less hygienic than using hooves.

Celestia walks onto the semi-circular platform, rimmed with an ornate bronze and glass moulding, and gazes down at the scene of a rush hour Canterlot below, the multitudes of bustling carts and pony-folk, indistinguishable from coloured termites in a dirt mound. Their digs were significantly nicer than a clod of earth however; the turrets of castle towers alone were so vividly coloured they seemed to perpetuate the very rainbows that sprang from Cloudsdale, just visible as a white puffy speck on the glowing horizon.

But it's all an expensive waste if no one has time to look and marvel at a sprawling medieval metropolis. Celestia, if a little boyishly, rubs sleep from her eyes, and by the aid of a mediocre wind she rouses herself afresh, throwing her light blue, purple, and sea green mane into it. I walk up to the side of the mare, my hands thrust deep in trench-coat pockets, and side by side we look out onto the busy, winding scene, and beyond it still, Ponyville. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and in Celestia's mind I imagined maintaining the painted scene, brushstroke for brushstroke, had left her speechless with exhaustion. She allowed the breeze to close her eyes before speaking again.

"Mr Parkland..." but then she added...

"...Frank. I love each and every one of those little creatures down there. They're far from perfect I know, but that's where my divine duty of care comes in. Now that means several things. I don't get to do what I want to do anymore, as I haven't done since eons ago. I need to act responsibly, to be that role model when friendship becomes misplaced. Now what about you? I know where I stand with my subjects, but I doubt you've completed one case that didn't end in a spite filled departure.

"I'm no saint Celestia. You want a people person, you'd better go to your people."

"For what it's worth Frank, you have the potential to be far more beneficial to them than me. They look up to their princess but at least you're teaching them to look out for number one."

I examine the pristine sky, rather than look at the masses below.

"All police work is a team game, I just happen to be captain. I aint a horse neither, princess. I'd like to say this job doesn't notice race or class, but even I had to deal with officers who couldn't see beyond a victims skin colour. If Pony's are more human than some humans, and they are, I think you'll find I've been doing everything right."

Celestia shifts a glare toward me.

"I'll imagine there was a compliment in that somewhere."

"Then ya got a good imagination. Mind if I smoke?"

"Only if I can join you."

I'll admit, the sight of the golden cigarette holder, complete with unlit cigarette, magically sliding out from the glamorous chest- piece, bordered on hilarious. It glided between her waiting lips, and with hidden teeth, she neatly swivelled it to my direction. Couldn't help but feel she was being a little two-faced to her queenly image, but if this meant Celestia was comfortable showing her less than 'divine' side to me, then she had given-up trying to win me over as 'subject', and that was fine by me. Raising an eyebrow, I stuck a smoke in my mouth and flipped out a silver lighter reaching over to light her up (the cigarette I mean) before tending to myself. The scene was reminiscent of an old commercial.

She inhaled deeply for a full minute. I don't have a thing for pony's and that's the gods-honest truth, but that mare never did look so beautiful as she did when wisps of smoke framed her eyes, and veiled her fine white features. The stuff would kill me eventually, I knew, and in some ways I wish it would, but then just admitting that was the difference between her and me. 'Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that you always maintain the power to be yourself, though its bad news if you're the princess of a nation cos your more personal pleasures have to stay under the radar, lest you wake your gentle citizens from their day dream.'

It was a few more moments before she spoke again.
"As it happens Frank..." she begins, breathing out a fine grey cloud at intervals.
"...I've got a job I think will clear up this mess of yours. It's simple, low risk, and you'll be able to gain some much needed reputation for it, interested?"

"I'll try anything once."

"A lot of pets have gone missing, its probably just a lonely ogre or something, so all you have to do is recover them without any upsets and personally give them back to their owners, you know, give a whole kind of 'it was my pleasure' routine."
Whether she had a more worthwhile job, I wasn't going to ask, at that moment, with few exceptions, they all seemed like animals to me.

"Yeah, alright, but what I don't get is why you haven't made my position more well-known."
I face her directly, and she faces away.

"People should know if I'm a policeman, right now they think I'm here by accident. Why haven't you corrected that, a badge or something, I aint asking for much."

"I can't do that Parkland." We were back to second name terms again.
"Can't or won't"

"It's complicated, right now certain persons have requested me not to make my choices regarding your powers known."
I loose my newly regained cool, arresting her with a finger.

"You've got EVERY snub-nosed pencil pusher in this place balled up in your little white gloves, and you're telling me you can't make your own decision!"

She looked perturbed; obviously I wasn't going to get anything more out of her on this. I could probably guess that I wasn't very good company right now, and her reputation to the nobles came first. She made a last ditch effort to justify her actions to me. Just like a politician to want one hundred per cent of the polls.

"Well…you won't be alone anyway… I've arranged my most favourite student to accompany you as your assistant, but more so to familiarise you with our way of life…"

I'm half way cross the room by now. I'd imagine my coat hems wafted in line with my stride, and it would have made for a more than decent exit if I hadn't turned around to rebuke the news.

"No way. I aint going to be scrutinized by your worker bees,"

Celestia canters a few steps forward, the suns rays streak off her crown.

"I'm afraid the decision is final Parkland. I'm sorry."

"No you aint sorry yet. This job is unpredictable, and I doubt 'Night Spazzle' or whoever she is, has dealt with a shattered ribcage before. Magic is one thing, don't get me wrong, I'm just sceptical she has the street smarts."

"I'm sure you'll make the best of it."

"In any case, you just lost yourself a vote."

I should have just left her there. Let her wrestle with the prospect of releasing her dearest filly into the back alleys of crime. In the split second before I close my hand around the door handle, (and then wipe off the guards' cold saliva), I disregard Equestria's low crime rating, because to get one step ahead in any game, you gotta think about the what-if's.

From the way that proud mare was looking, her knees buckled and eyes vacant, she was thinking about whether or not that little purple thing of hers could avoid a shiv to the neck. I pause at the great door, urging myself just to push through and be done with her. Celestia's whole society was backward, she was the kind of dame that thought she was lady luck, and woe betide to poor soul that overturned her roulette wheel. Turns out I had a little compassion left it seems, and with the added incentive of satisfying a deep curiosity, I gave her a parting distraction, something to loosen her lips. I called back,...

"Hey Princess, I had a bone to pick with ya."

"By all means Mr Parkland, Celestia is listening"

I cock my head at her slightly.

"That merry-ol-sun up there,...
"I know of it..."

"Ya really raise that thing up everyday. Sure ya do the ceremonies, and it's all very visually compelling, but is it all you?"

"Have you not seen this." Celestia turns her tall figure to bring her cutie mark sun into the lights rays.
I smirk.

"What I see is a bumper sticker lady, now how about it, do ya really do the business?"
Celestia raises a fore-hoof to her chest, complete with golden sculpted shoe. At first I thought she was coughing, but wouldn't you know it the broad starts laughing, almost hysterical laughter. She's wiping tears from her eyes, and fighting gainst the convulsions to laugh so loud the whole province will hear. She walks back over to the desk, myself by the great doors, and she barely calls out the words over a heaving chest.

"Hmm..Hahahaha...So long as anypony thinks that Mr Parkland,...hm..hm...then yes, I do raise the sun."

We might never have been friends, but a mutual respect is all I've ever asked for. I slide out the doors and pace for an age down the marble staircase, till I reach what would be a cross between main reception and foyer. Stepping out into the busy expanse of room, hemmed at its edges by several appointment desks, I look around for my so termed 'assistant', when a whelp of a pony attendant with chocolate brown fir and thin glasses scuttles up to me, eye level with my thighs.
"Pardon me sir, we do have a rather strict dress code, so if you wouldn't mind, in due time, exiting the establishment."
My fedora gives me the extra few inches in height I need to scare the kid down.

"Yeah that makes sense, considering you're not wearing any pants pony-boy. Bugger off"

The clerk rechecks himself and gives me a nervous grin, before running back behind his desk. Some can handle my opinions, some can't. For those who can't I say to keep off Parkland's grass, and yes the line gets seedier every time I say it. TS was punctual if nothing else. Scarcely a minute later I hear a yell, and over my shoulder a wave of books come tumbling through a side door of the palace taking down three ponies in the process.

The red, green, and blue hard backs, add on a dozen other shades, parted by aid of her signature magical aura, and wouldn't you know it there was my little purple assistant, the librarians daughter, rolling her eyes and tripping over her counter parts whilst apologising for each fresh mistake. I can't remember if by pulling my hat low over my eyes, I was saving myself from embarrassment or her, but either way you only make one first impression, and just like the small paper cuts the covered the groaning attendants, it was in shreds.

I stroll over to the dazed little mare and crouch up close. Flicking up my coat cuffs I started stacking up a load of the things, all the while taking the opportunity to gain a second perspective of the scatter-brained egghead. In the first half of that second I ruled her as physically lacking, and in the other, almost cursed Celestia for her warped sense of humour.
"Well Geeze kid, I heard of hitting the books, but I think you're overdue for a reminder."

She regards me with dark, timid little eyes that grew into their own strength.

"Thank you...Sorry... I'm so sorry,...I... My names Twilight Sparkle, and Celestia..."

A book slips from beneath her and she sprawls to the floor a second time.

"Heh heh, ow... Well...I'm pleased to meet you and these are references, for myself to muse over and...you know get to grips with police work... I don't mean to brag but I am really rather well read on Equestrian law enforcement,...cos...um...got to work out how to catch the bad guys and all."

The kid actually did a mock karate chop, then gave a me twitching smile to compensate. It was sweet, sickly sweet. The kind of sweet you'd be glad to rid yourself of with diet.

I stared the little buffoon down, tried to tell her that this interview was over, but despite her flop-sweat she continued...
"I have a lot of good references if you will just see, and I know all about animal behaviour and where they may have run off to in a panic, its all because my friend Fluttershy..."

I take the papers from her flushed mouth and place a hand on her smooth nervous shoulder. The neatly cut bangs part a little way to reveal a face fraught with the agitation to impress.

"Look, sweetheart, I can see you're very committed to this extra-credit assignment, but what's an 'A' in class is a loss of teeth on the street. This isn't a game, and when people do get knocked down, it's not friendship that catches them, it's concrete. Go home."

Ever the optimist TS points frantically at the papers in my hand. I was kind of envious in a way. The gal still thought the work was risk-free, and maybe in Ponyville that was true, but when you get your nose broken twenty times in as many months you start to loose faith in your fellow man. You then start to size everyone up. The bulge of a forearm tells you how mean a guys right hook is, a lump in a coat can tell you if he's packing, and a shortness of breath tells you it's time to retire. Right now Twilights' ramblings told me she wanted a police badge as an apple for her teacher, and that wasn't a good enough reason to join up. Despite being a police force of one, the right recruitment motives still applied.

"The answers 'no' kid, if you had field training it might be different, but looking at your book guides,...
I thrust my hand into the pile and pull out a solitary title to examine.

"...'Daring Do and the Cat-burglar Crisis', you're deliberately trying to wind me up, aren't you?"

Twilight bounds out from the books and tries to reclaim what had to have been a novel, shaking her head and making frantic grabs at it.

"Oh no...in Celestia's name no, that was just bit of light reading."

I place it to her chest, and she takes hold, my own figure towering above hers.

"Cool your jets will ya, you're not on the force but you can still enjoy your fairy tales, after all...heh..heh... your IN one. Run along, I thought I heard some hay outside..."

If the kid's future safety was defended for the time being, then that was my justification for acting bullishly. It could be worse; in this loco place I could've actually been a bull.

She flusters and enragedly shouts some crap about not being a kid, but I've already stepped over her and the remains of a rainforest, and made a beeline for the large wooden doors. I pluck out the train ticket from my Fedora's wrap-around band, and stuff it in my one good pair of trousers. I couldn't loose focus of my opportunity to recover some ground with the locals, and maybe earn a ticket back home entirely.