To use the cliché, I am Fred. The words you hear are in my head.
I know that it is paraphrased, but this story must not be razed.
For infringement is… naughty…
Nowhere Mental Hospital, the name, in stone, is carved with awl
Where the loonies have a ball, show where they were touched on the doll.
The chronics, they have heard the call to sketch with feces on the wall.
“Burnt Sundown” an acute names it, while the admins just see shit.
“Mommy! NO, NO touch my pee-pee!” “Corn Flakes rooster molested me!”
I hear them shout to wake the dead as orderlies cave in their heads.
I never complain, and of note, I never struggle with my coat;
It is fruitless just to try but brings no teardrops to my eye.
They may have my arms, my legs, but it is not my mind that begs!
For my thoughts are mine alone, and they are rather… naughty…
Most days I sit here in my room while my mind goes zoom, zoom, zoom!
I am never quite alone, as my past exploits have shown.
When I am good, they let me out, still in jacket, I won’t pout.
They let me out for MLP! That is the cartoon for me!
The others sit, the others drool, while I, I act the simple fool.
While the others stroke the wood, I sit in silence, to be good.
For if I'm good, I get to watch, but if I’m not, my brain they’ll botch!
And so, I lay me down to sleep with joyful pony mem’ries deep!
The memories are mine to keep. Into my dreams the ponies creep.
My dreams are rather… naughty…
In Ponyville I do awake, beside the much beloved lake.
An Earth pony is what I am… like those on Discov’ry Fam’.
I have no horn, I have no wings; I have no need of those such things!
This time’s for mayhem, time for sin, to let the demons out from in.
Before you choose to degrade me, to do such things seems oh-oh-see (OOC),
You knew me for 11 minutes; that’s not time enough to pin it—
What I’m about, that is, my dear, though normally I would not steer
Away from what you know me for, but dreaming opens up the door
To do some things I never would and some things nobody should…
To be a different kind of… naughty…
Paddling about, doing what I please… when I observe the CMCs!
My clever girl, sweet Apple Bloom, just puts my young heart in a tomb!
And Sweetie Belle! Melodic Belle! I see her sulk and want to yell!
Oh, Scootaloo with voice of grit… we love you still in spite of it.
Would it be so very callous to masquerade candy for phallus?
“Have some candy, little filly!” I voice in a voice very silly.
Candy, candy, sticky sweet! It keeps its form despite the heat.
But admins’ cries and “legalese” keep the fillies from their knees.
But what happens off the page… They cannot put me in a cage.
Use imagination, for it is likely… naughty…
Running, running, I must sail, for the law is on my tail.
Young Apple Bloom, she sold me out! I admit I’m in a pout.
She told her sister! Tut, tut, tut! Even with her mouth glued shut…
I had assumed to go the flow, for they never told me “no”.
But they are children, minors still, even here in Ponyville.
I up a tree and there I hide; camouflage is on my side.
I smile widely as they pass, for with my wit they are outclassed!
I shimmy down and trot anew; there is still so much to do!
Continuing would push my luck I realize, now, as I duck.
But it is not for the faint of heart, being… naughty…
Should a pony of my station consider not retaliation?
Applejack, the little devil, told the law I’m not on level.
I espy Sweet Apple Acres; she took my fun, so I will take hers.
I take a lark right through the shed. I’ll not be painting her farm red…
With matches found and gasoline, now’s the time to vent my spleen!
A trickle here, a spritzing there, I put a little everywhere.
It seems that I have made some noise, playing ‘round with my new toys.
A hat appears--and then a face--from the windows of the place,
“What the Hell are you doing out there, ya prick?!”
I grin up towards Applejack, “Being… naughty…”
I’m most upset she ru’ned my rhyme; it hardens my heart to my crime.
“That’s the guy!” A.B. did shout. I see she has washed out her snout…
“You smiley-faced freak!” Big Mac yelled. “When I catch you, you’ll get the geld!”
A second rhyme! I did exclaim. But he won’t live up to his claim.
So, I light the book of matches; I drop it, flame now spreads in patches.
I could have taken just a stab, thinking the farm had meth lab.
It surely does, the farm goes BOOM! The Apple fam’ has made their tomb.
I stagger out, somehow alive, as the Ponyville F.D. arrives.
With smile wide, coughing lungs out, was there ever any doubt…
That I can be rather… naughty…?
What, with all the Apple hate, why are they upset with the state?
But this is "in", not the “outside”; Ponyville held them in pride!
I knew I wouldn’t get a pass; the law again is on my ass!
I make a beeline for the swamp when I feel a magic glomp.
I turn and give a smile, wide, to see the one that caught my hide.
Princess Twilight, not my fave; not for whom I would play slave…
That story’s for another day… another day of joyful play.
For now, I stand before the judge; these ponies surely hold a grudge.
“It makes me sick to look at you! Why do you do the things you do?”
At this point it should be obvious: I’m… naughty…
The gavel slams, “You get the chair!” I suppose that that is fair.
But my lawyer is the best; the chair might as well be a jest!
To Ponyville Loony Bin! To get housed I am a shoo-in!
All is white, familiar walls! Familiar too are all the halls…
I have a roommate, not a goose, a mare by the name of Screwloose!
Literally barking mad, we bang our heads against the pads.
I wish this could go on forever, but ‘tis a dream… so, alas, never…
I awake, in my old room, and I stare up into the gloom.
A new day dawns; I’m not upset. The future holds much better yet!
For tomorrow night--and all nights--will always be… naughty…
-With love,
Fred
Author's Note
This wasn't my best idea ever. I like the CMCs and the Apple family, but it's just the direction things took. I was thinking about doing more of the cast, but this was more of a test. If it gets some attention and folks want to see more, I could certainly try a couple sequels. Once you have the scheme down it's pretty easy to come up with lines. But there's just so much I can come up with before things get redundant or really over-the-top.
Those of you that are familiar with my work know my stories are on the longer side and I only have three, two of which are active and one completed. I've even been vocal about having no interest in writing a one-shot, but when an idea strikes... it strikes. I'd say I've betrayed what I'm all about but... what the Hell?
So I decided to try something different. I'm astonished there's not a "Courage the Cowardly Dog" tag on the site. It would be a real laugh if I prompted such a thing. It would be my greatest contribution to the site, I imagine.
It's fun to try different things. If you somehow enjoyed this conjuring, consider looking at my other work. It's nothing like this but I love bringing my ideas to page.
