"See? He exists." Seth, one of my not-friends said smugly, gesturing to a 'greaser' holding a 10-inch knife. This greaser, 'John', was definitely going to stab me. I'd go out like an asshole. He lifted the knife, preparing to charge.

"Ahh, long knife I see....compensation, right?" He growled before charging, driving the knife into m'skull, ending my ass. It was white. "Ah, shit! I knew the afterlife was 1800's leadership!" Suddenly, a....a....a....PONY appeared before me. It was a brilliant flash of white, which I couldn't see. She looked so regal and powerful....I bowed. She lifted her muzzle, basking in my worship, before I rose, having finished tying my shoes. "There we go. Can't be talking to whomever the fuck you are with untied shoes. That's just bad manners. Now....who are you?" She was speechless, her mouth opening and closing multiple times before she finally said something.

"Uhhh, I'm Creator Faust." Naturally. Oh, she said that with a nervous tone, rubbing her forelegs together. "You have passed."

"No shit." I said with no bullshit at all. "Keep going." She cringed at my words, but continued anyways.

"I have an offer.....I will send you to Equestria, a-" I cut her off, waving a single finger at her.

"No. Nononono, I'm not becoming a Knight of Equestria. There's enough of those already. Also, no 7th element shit. I'd rather have a big fucking sword made of the Elements then do that shit." A massive grin swept across her face.

"Okay." I appeared. On the ground. I wasn't in pain, but I was face-first in the dirt. Groaning, I looked up, to see this sword an inch from my face:

"Son of a bitch.....eh, fuck it, this is my fault." I sat up, and stretched a bit, hearing nary a crack in my knees when I stood, which apparently means I could get arthritis early. Bad shit. I poked the sword, and instantly a chain shot out of the pommel, wrapping around my arm many times. The chain tightened, and I stood there, that arm stretched out, confused. "A God of War quote would be good here." I pulled the sword out, and found it to weigh almost nothing. Suddenly, a scroll appeared in a flash of white light, and he caught it. Letting go of the sword, it split into 6 pieces, the individual Elements. Honesty & Kindness wrapped around my wrists, left and right respectively. Generosity & Laughter wrapped around my ankles, left and right respectively. Loyalty locked around my neck. Somehow, the armor seemed incomplete...."Holy shit. That is fucking cool." There was another sword:

I touched the pommel, and a chain wrapped around my arm many times. I lifted the blade, and it was almost weightless. I let go of it, and it split into seven parts, the Elements of Disharmony plus the Alicorn Amulet:

(Plus the amulet) Dishonestly and Cruelty became shoulderpads. Greed and Betrayal became greaves. Despair became a breastplate, and Science combined with Magic to create a more...masculine crown. "Wait one fucking minute....shouldn't this armor be made for a female? I mean, this armor could easily be made to fit a pony. The only was it would be male is......AW HELL NAH!!!" My face turned into one of horror as I screamed that last part. I thought about how gay it would be to clop to the characters now. I sighed. "Fuck it, I'm now Bisexual. Welp, let's get going." I began to walk, and after about 40 meters, I walked through the last of the really dense trees, coming to a clearing. The grass was green, and the Castle of the Two Sisters....Brothers now, I suppose. Shrugging, I walked across the bridge, knowing I'd be completely fine. I made it to the other side, and walked right in. A long AF, dark hallway greeted me. "I need to summon all my strength....." I breathed deeply, growling darkly. I charged forward, screeching. "LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYY JENKINNNNSSSSSSS!!!!" I tripped, going 10 meters, hitting and rolling across the ground. "Ow, fuck..."

"Who art thou, creature? What art thou?" A male voice said deeply. I looked up to see this guy staring down at me, his wings spread.

I decided to answer.

"I am Mojowuq9, apparent wielder of True Harmony. Can I just say that you look fucking awesome? Also, you're Darkhorse Knight, correct?" He groaned, which turned into a chuckle, then a laugh. After a few minutes, he finally stopped. By this time, I was standing up.

"Yes! Thou, Mojowuq9, art the first pony to guess Our name! Everypony calls Our royal person 'Nightmare Moon'! Bah, We are no mare!" He complained, flicking his head sideways at the last word. "For this, thou wilt be Our royal adviser!"

"I can't be. I'll probably destroy Equestria within 6 hours if I do that. Also, I have a counter offer. How about I split you and Artemis, and you join me on adventures. You, could take revenge on Eris....." He seemed to want to reject my offer, his face, the part I could see, looking furious. He seemed to become curious at the last few words, if his posture relaxing was anything to go by.

"Revenge on Eris, you say? hmph! If you really can, then do split me in half, Mojowuq9, and I will join you, I suppose." He said, his voice wandering off uninterested. I smirked, and pretended to grab my swords, which caused the armor to split apart and form into the two weapons. I pointed them at his, who looked alarmed.

"Pew." I jokingly said, thinking about dual beams, one of rainbow, the other of darkness hitting him, splitting his into two bodies. Those beams shot out and did what I thought, leaving Artemis, who looked like this:
and Darkhorse Knight 5 meters apart. I quickly made my way over to Artemis, reassuring him when he opened his eyes the Darkhorse was not going to hurt him. After he calmed down, i walked to Darkhorse, who was groaning while laying on his back, and began to rub a hand through his chest, which caused him to emit a low rumble.....wait, he was purring. When he opened his eyes, I retracted my hand.

"No," He said, looking at me. "Please keep doing that." I began to rug my hand through his fluffy chest, and he lied his head down, groaning in satisfaction. He spoke up. "And about joining you? We will, Mojowuq9." Artemis had somehow managed to crawl over, and began to nudge my hand with his head, much like how a cat does it. I began to tease his chest to, and he relaxed, smiling lightly under my touch. I sighed happily. This had gone quite well.....now, the only thing to do was simple.

Sleep with Darkhorse. No sex though. I'd like to be able to walk around without needing to tape my asshole shut.

Author's Note

Yes, another fic. this will be rather short, and therefore fast paced, but I think I'm getting better at pacing! If you spot any mistakes, or feel you could help this story in any way, please tell me via comments or PMs. Whichever works.