A single raindrop fell on Applejacks hat, slid down the inner side of the brim and made it’s way onto the orange Earth Pony’s forehead. Leaving a watery trail behind it, it made a curve around the eyebrow and stopped a few millimeters away from her eye's corner. After a while a second raindrop fell nearby and began it’s own way down quickly joining the miniature river left by the first watery wanderer, reinforcing it with strength necessary to make the final push to Applejack’s eye. The orange mare did a lengthy blink squeezing the intruder out on her cheek, forcing it to continue the journey down, over her white freckles, next to her snout and finally to her chin where it was no longer able to hold itself to orange fur and, at long last, the combined raindrops fell to the ground.
Applejack raised her head up, looked at the sky above and saw some pegasi moving the clouds over Ponyville and a few other winged ponies bucking the grey enmassed shroud to start the scheduled rain. The orange pony knocked on the door a few times to announce her arrival and entered the Sugarcube Corner.
*
“Thank Celestia you’re here!” Mrs. Cup Cake said and quickly put her forehooves around Applejack’s neck. She was weeping. When she finally loosened up the embrace, Applejack looked at all the ponies gathered in the room. The rest of the Elements of Harmony were there, four of them standing around a table in silence. Five plates laid on the table, each of them with an untouched piece of carrot cake on it.
The rest of the ponies were scattered all over the Sugarcube Corner, mostly in groups of two or three ponies. Each pony had a black ribbon attached, either in mares’ manes or on stallions’ chests.
Rarity left a group of unicorns she’s been talking to and approached Applejack. She greeted her with a hug, opened her saddlebag and, without saying anything, she removed Applejack’s red ribbon to immediately replace it with a black one using her magic.
“She is upstairs. We tried everything we could, but she won’t speak to us. I… ”Rarity’s voice broke and she shed a single tear. Out in the distance, a lighting struck and the rain poured down over Ponyville.
Applejack walked to her friends’ table and hugged each of them. She came closer Rainbow Dash afterwards and whispered a few words into her ear.
The stairs to the Sugarcube Corner’s attic weren’t particularly long, but when Applejack raised her forehoof to make the first step she knew that it was going to be one of the longest and hardest walks she’ll ever take. All the present ponies watched in utter silence as each step creaked under the pressure of her body.
Applejack thought about her big brother taking the very same walk a few months back. She imagined having his heart in her chest, heavier and filled with sorrow every step he took, when it was she who was locked up in her room upstairs.
Big Mac had it harder, Applejack thought. It was his loss as well as mine and Appleblooms.
But it didn’t make her hooves even a bit lighter when she came closer and closer to pink door with crayon drawings clearly made by baby Cakes pinned to them as well as a big poster with a huge grinning face and a “You must be this happy to enter” caption on it.
Applejack looked at her mane and removed the black ribbon letting her long, golden hair loose before knocking on the door three times.
“It is me, Pinkie. Can I come in?”
Nobody answered, so Big Macintosh waited a couple of seconds, took a deep breath and pushed the door open.
*
The pink pony was sitting by her window sobbing along the clouds outside. Another lighting struck, and for a brief moment Applejack could swear that Pinkie’s coat turned orange in it’s light.
Applejack looked at Pinkie’s desk; among empty balloons and small confetti mounds, there was a dusty, opened envelope with a slightly MISS letter sticking out. Applejack didn’t have to read the letter to know it’s meaning. The meaning was there, with the seal crushed almost to dust, with the envelope bearing the marks of being bitten a few times, with the dried tears all over it. Yes, Applejack knew this letter more than she would like to. She knew the inevitability of it, the horror of opening the front doors to see the compassion in mailmare’s eyes, your voice ensnared, dying down in your tear-flooded throat few seconds before she actually takes the letter out of her bag and says that she is sorry. She knew the feeling of being asked what it was all about and saying “I don’t know” in return, the faked casuality and indifference when you slowly walk across the saloon, just to break into full gallop right after you reach the stairs with only one, simple question in mind. Who? But deep down, you always knew the answer.
You run into your room, slam the door behind you, you try to break the seal, but your hooves are shaking and you need to help yourself with your teeth. You unfold the paper inside and your eyes start jumping from one word to another just to spot the name, so you spare yourself the terror of reading the whole message and having your soul torn apart bit by bit. And when your worst fear is finally confirmed, you look around your room, pick a spot and leave the letter there to be covered in dust until you are strong enough to pick it up and throw it away.
The question who? becomes how? How? becomes when?, when becomes why? and why now?.
“It’s like an icicle”, Big Macintosh said.
Pinkie Pie turned to her. Her light blue eyes, usually so glossy and bright, were now distinguished and dry. Red, squinted eyes with no tears left to cry with. Strange thing, Applejack thought, that the tears of joy and happiness are often the more visible ones, while when you actually want the world to see your despair, most of the tears goes down your throat… for you to taste your own grief.
“Like an icicle.” Applejack repeated. “That’s what Big Mac said… the other day.” She made a step forward. “Like… like swallowing an icicle. I know it may be not the best metaphore.” She looked outside the window. “You know, t’was rainy that day too. ”
Applejack looked around the room once more. She noticed that there was something off about it the moment she opened the door, but it was until now when she realized what exactly. The room was clean and tidy, instead of regular mess Applejack saw a few times. The balloons were sorted according to their colors, just as the streamers and the confetti. Various devices Pinkie used to cheer everybody up, such as her Welcome Wagon or her Party Cannon were gathered by one wall covered with MISS. Applejack thought about last Pinkie’s birthday, when Rainbow Dash pushed her into the barn with her mane all straight and tidy.
Applejack took a deep breath.
“I know you don’t want to hear it, as I didn’t.”
You don’t want to hear that sentence. You know it is true, and you hate yourself for even knowing that it is true; that “the time will heal all the wounds”. You do not want to believe it, you want to deny it, throw it in the trash, you try to prove yourself that it will never will be the same again. But deep inside you, But deep inside you, you mix your remorse with your relief and you know that there has to be someone who will say it.
“It’s all going to be all right, Applejack.”
Yes, this is the sentence. Simple. Redundant. Painful. Banal. Necessary.
“I was just like you, you know.” Applejack said. “I was wondering, what can I do to fill that … emptiness. Then I wondered, what can I do to forget them. As if they didn’t ever exist.” The rain was still pouring down the village and Applejack, just for the moment, felt like a little filly unprepared for the news she’s about to receive. Can you ever be prepared for news like this?
“But then I realized something, you know?” Applejack put her forehoof over Pinkies’s shoulder. Pinkie didn’t push her away. That’s a good sign, Applejack thought. “Now listen, sugarcube… I realized that no matter what - no matter how recent or old were the latest memories of them,” Applejack felt that her own eyes started to water up, “… that they will always be a part of me. That they are a part of me now. And that the hardest part was that there’ll be no new memories anymore. And that the memories I have now will have to … suffice. But I also realized, that the memories I have of them now are good enough to help me through it. That I don’t need to forget. That I don’t want to. That they still live, inside me and my brother. Just as your grandma still lives inside you.”
Applejack looked at Pinkie’s face and noticed three white spots on her cheek.
The emerald eyes finally open, and a few late tears make their way between the white freckles. Orange filly slowly raises her head, and her brother’s eyes meet with hers. There’s a moment of silence, and both ponies can hear the rain drumming against the window. There’s also a second, more discreet drumming, slower, but more regular.
It must be her heart, Applejack thought.
“I’m scared, Applejack.” Pinkie said, stuttering. She was hoarse, her throat undoubtfully sore from all the screaming and crying she’d done. “I…” Pinkie stopped and her voice broke again.
“There, sugarcube.” Applejack raised her hoof and wiped a tear off her cheek, smearing the white stains in the process. Flour?
“I’m scared, and I shouldn’t be. She was the one who taught me why I shouldn’t be scared by anything. She taught me how to laugh off your scares. But today I just can’t ”. Pinkie hid her face in her hooves. “Do you remember the song I sang you when Twilight came to Ponyville and we were after Nightmare Moon?”
“Yes, of course I do.“ Applejack slowed down trying to recall the words of the chant. “It started with…”
"Giggle at the ghostly,
Guffaw at the grossly
Crack up at the creepy
Whoop it up with the weepy,
Chortle at the kooky,
Snortle at the spooky".
Pinkie sighed. “I didn’t tell you before, but I didn’t come up with this part. This part was my…” Pinkie’s voice started to weaken again. “It was my…”
“It was your grandma who made it, wasn’t it?” Applejack asked.
“No. I mean, yes, but it’s not what I wanted to say. It was my…”, Pinkie stuttered, “my…”
“Your what, sugarcube?”
“It was my lullaby!” Pinkie screamed and shot her foreleg around Applejack’s neck, hugging her so tight that it was painful and pushing her snout into orange mare’s hair. “It was my lullaby”, Pinkie said sobbing, “and I heard it almost e-every night. Every time when I stayed up late! Even now, when I say that part I hear… her… her voi-” Pinkie tightened her embrace even further. Her words were barely distinguishable from her weeping, dampened by blonde waves of Applejack’s loose mane. “And all these years… I mean I thought about her, almost every day, but I didn’t do nothing to let her know it... I didn't do enough”, she sobbed, "I didn't do enough and because of that I'm-"
"Ashamed? Why for Celestia's sake would you feel ashamed, sis?" Big Macintosh frowned but he didn't top stroking his sister's mane. "You have absoutely nothing to be ashamed of."
Applejack broke Big Macintosh's embrace.
"But I am, Mac!"
"I mean I did send her a letter or a card for her birthday every year..."
"... and there was a family reunion every couple of years..."
"... but I've always been too busy to send her a letter without any occasion, just to let her know..."
"... too busy workin' in the apple orchard..."
"... too busy baking here, in the Sugarcube..."
"... preparing for these stupid rodeo contests..."
"... but there always was one more party to throw..."
"... so much time completely wasted..."
"... when everything it takes is to pick up the quill and a few minutes! And now, when it is too late, all I have left of her.."
":.. all I have to remember them..."
"... is this silly, foalish song!"
"... this stupid, stupid oversized hat!"
Big Macintosh took the hat off his head and looked at it.There was nothing unusual about it, maybe besides it's charachteristic brim. A simple, brown hat with classicaly indented crown. But there were some unnoticeable details that made it special. There was a little burn on the inner side of the brim, the memory of the first campfire their father allowed them to start. A small, light abrasion on top as a reminder of the accidental mud stain Applejack made and tried to wash off too ardently, so their dad wouldn't be mad at her.
Big Macintosh smiled through tears and put the hat on his little sister's head. It instantly slid down her forhead, covering orange filly's eyes and lied down on her snout.
"You're right, it is a little bit oversized. But I think it will grow on you."
*
Applejack released the hug and looked Pinkie in the eyes. "I don't believe that the song is silly, sugarcube. Nothing is silly as long as it reminds you of the ponies you love. Nothing is foalish if it gives you strength. If it makes you remember." She looked outside the window. The rain was already over and sun shined high in the sky with a beautiful rainbow stretched right under it. Suddenly, a second rainbow arc started to appear over the first one. Show off.
"I don't think I have your strength, Applejack."
"That's why I'm here, Pinkie. That's why we are all here. To borrow you some of ours." Applejack took the hat off her head and put it on Pinkie's. "There you go. That's all of my strength here, so you'd better use it wisely. But I'm lending it to you under two conditons."
Pinkie nodded.
"Number one. You give it back to me when you don't need it anymore. And you give me yours when it's me who needs somepony to lean on."
"... And number two?" Pinkie asked after few seconds of silence.
"A single smile." Applejack looked at the room's door. A poster similair to the one on the other side displayed the amount of happiness required to leave. "I think we can bend the door rules today, if the bar is set too high."
The wry face the pink pony made would qualify as "I didn't know this is a lemon" at best.
"Close enough. Now lets go do-"
Pinkie threw her forelegs around Applejack's neck once again and a tiny sparkle flickered in her eye's corner. The last teardrop danced for a while on the eyelash, dropped on the cheek and made it a few inches down before stopping.
"Wait!"
Big Macintosh turned around. They were standing by the door, ready to come down any minute. "What is it, sister?"
"Why an icicle?"
"Sadness ", Big Macintosh explained, " is like an icicle made of tears." He scratched his forehead. "It's... it's our mom who told me this. So when you're sad, this icicle appears here," he touched Applejack's chest." But, as it is just an icicle, it melts. And when it melts, you cry the water out. And when the last tear is out, the sadness is gone."
The little tear stayed on Pinkie's cheek for a while and started to soak into her fur, when another one fell from above and joined it's little twin. The combined drops quickly traveled down the pink chin and fell on the ground.
"Shucks, " Applejack said when Pinkie loosened her grip, " sorry for that. I guess you squeezed it out of me." She wiped her eyes with her hoof. "Now let's go downstairs already."
"Applejack..."
"Yes, sugarcube?"
"Thank you."
"Anytime, Pinkie." Applejack looked at Pinkie's face. The blurred spots of flour were still there. "So... what do you think about baking something together?"
"That sounds... great. Do you have something in mind?"
Applejack smiled mysteriously. "Well, I do possess a recipe for a delicious, super secret dessert that nobody knows but me."
"Is it apple pie?" Pinkie whispered.
"Sweet Celestia of Equestria!" Applejack gasped. "How did you find out about my secret!? You aren't a spy, are you?"
Pinkie giggled, and both ponies left the room. They didn't pick up the black ribbon laying on the floor, leaving it behind.
