More drinks with Luna, Vinyl, and Octavia meant that the walk home was a particularly awkward one. Four legs were infinitely better for walking when drunk than two, but even so there were frequent moments where Luna had to grab me or had to put a wing on me so he didn't fall over.

We got back to the castle and the Guards let us in. I don't actually remember how we navigated around within the castle itself, but I remember my head hitting something soft and sleep jumping on me out of nowhere.

My brain began cataloging all the things wrong with me and my current situation.

The first thing was that my hands and feet hurt. Apparently stepping on rocks badly with your hooves translated to sore feet and hands. I could live with that.

Moving further in toward my torso, I was aware that my head was full of what seemed to be steel wool. Having spent most of the night mixing my drinks between beer and spirits, I was definitely paying that price now.

Penis was asleep—completely asleep—but there was some asshole yelling at me for attention. It took me a few seconds to realize the asshole was mine, and what it was yelling was Find a toilet!

Used to this problem as a mare, and having dealt with it in my royally appointed rooms already, I made it to the commode with time to spare and relaxed. My mind picked then to wander further, and I remembered what the culmination of the night had been.

"Oh hell. My first time at anal and I was on the receiving end."

Despite what all the manly parts of me murmured in their sleep, it had felt good. Vinyl had been careful, and I had to thank him—her now—for that. Asshole let me know that thanking Vinyl would probably involve more of the same. Asshole was surprisingly okay with this, as was I.

Daring to open my eyes properly and look around, I was startled by the deep blue finish to everything. It was relaxing. It was calming. It was not my bathroom! Cleaning myself up and washing my hands, I walked into the bedroom again to see Prince Luna asleep on the bed.

My first thought was that asshole—despite his name—was actually a pretty chill guy. My second thought I acted on. I walked to the window and snugged the curtains closed the last little bit to ensure the room was completely dark. My third thought was to climb back onto the bed and go back to sleep, but just as I neared it my belly rumbled, and if mine was rumbling so was Luna's.

Walking out of the bedroom, I leaned carefully around the door and opened it to see two of the horrifically beautiful men standing outside the door on guard. The movement of the door captured both their attention. "How do I cook anything here?"

"You don't. You speak into—" one of the ungodly perfect men said.

I rolled my eyes and slipped out the door. My clothes would be back at the bar—I hope—which left me with the walk of shame. Screw shame, I'd banged two hot chicks last night and woke up beside my buddy (who'd gotten me my first beer in months). There was nothing to feel shame for.

Turning left, I froze when one of the guards whistled. I looked back to see him pointing the other direction. "Thanks."

"No problems." He looked like this was the best entertainment all week.

I walked past Celestia's rooms (and their own guards) and to mine. Slipping inside, I made a beeline for my bag and pulled out a spare pair of jeans, a shirt, and a pair of boxer shorts. I didn't have any other shoes, but hoped I could pilfer something on the way to the kitchen.

Asking for directions whenever I saw one of the hunks, I eventually found the corridor leading to the kitchen more by smell than by asking. The doors leading into the kitchen were open so I stepped inside. There was people everywhere working away.

"No, no! Out!"

The woman who'd yelled at me and rushed over was portly. Big girls had big chests, and she had a beautiful one. I looked at her breasts as she stomped right up to me. She was tall as well as big, which meant I didn't even have to look down much.

"They let princesses work in the kitchen?" I asked.

Miss Big And Cuddly froze in place and looked down at me in confusion.

"I better go tell Princess Celestia visiting royalty has slipped into the kitchen and graced me with her presence." I looked up at her face and smiled as winningly as I could. "Hi. I'm Paul."

"Does that work on girls where you're from, Paul?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Sometimes. At the worst it usually gets me a blush. Look, I don't want to waste your time. I just wanted to cook a special somepony some breakfast—"

"It's almost time for lunch."

"Okay, cook them some lunch. Do you have somewhere I can be out of your hair and you won't have to bother yelling at me?" Having spent a little time working in a restaurant as a line cook, I could appreciate she didn't want or need me here—but here I was.

I got a hard look from her for nearly ten seconds before she blew out a sigh that made her ample chest do wonderful things. "What do you need?"

"Just a stovetop, eggs, bread, cheese, and some spices."

"Station down there's got a busted oven and the back two burners on the stove are busted. If you can get by with one, and you clean your stuff up after you, you're welcome to it, Paul." She noticed my glances down at her chest, and I finally got the blush I'd been fishing for earlier. "Eggs are in the cooler, cheese too. You can have half a loaf of bread only, we need all we've baked. There should be any spice you'd ever want in the larder." She pointed, and I had to tear my gaze away from her chest to pay attention. "Why do you keep staring at my breasts?"

Back home, on Earth, such a question would be idiotic. Equestria was a different place. Men typically acted a little less outwardly flirty—but not this man. "Because they're as amazing as the woman they're part of."

She stared at me for a good twenty seconds, and I watched the blush in her cheeks grow brighter and brighter until she turned and—without a word—walked away.

"Still got it, Paul." Acting like I knew what I was doing (which wasn't hard, I kinda did), I fetched the eggs and cheese, got some salt and pepper, the promised half loaf, and the few cooking implements I needed.

Two deluxe grilled cheese sandwiches and four egg-in-the-nest were piled onto a piping hot plate that should see me all the way back up to the royal wing of the castle. I cleaned up as I went, and scrubbed the pan to within an inch of its life.

"If you're going to come back down here again, next time you need shoes, Paul."

I turned to see miss big and beautiful. Feeling poetic, I bowed deeply to what I assumed was the sous chef of the kitchen. "Alas, I have misplaced my boots. Princess of the kitchen, by what should I call you?"

This didn't earn a blush, but I got a knowing grin from her. "You can call me Hot Buns, Paul."

How I managed not to say something entirely unpoetic I have no idea. The name woke up penis and he was definitely interested in Hot Buns. In fact, it was fairly safe to say that Hot Buns would be on the menu if my penis held sway. "Princess Hot Buns, I fear I must slip away. If I made a mess, you can spank me for it later."

The run (I definitely ran, chased by Hot Buns' laughter) back up to the royal wing seemed like nothing. I turned the corner into the long hall that led to my rooms and saw a half-dozen heads turn toward me. For a fraction of a second I saw the steel behind every pair of eyes. Recognition brought softening of their looks and laughs to their throats. To cheers, I ran to Luna's suite and slipped inside—no one challenged my right to enter.

The sound of the shower made it sound like it was raining. Luna seemed not to care about closing doors, and I could hear him freshening up. Penis was all for joining him, but when I firmly told him Luna was our bud, he quickly changed his mind.

It didn't end up mattering. Luna stepped out of his bathroom just as I reached the bedroom with the plate. He froze at the sight of me, then his eyes fixated on the food I'd brought. "Grilled cheese toasted sandwiches?"

"One each. Two egg-in-the-nest too. Hungry?" I set the plate down on the bed and watched the grilled cheese float up and to Luna. He used magic, it seemed, for most things. Not surprising given his situation. "Hope you don't mind the crown on them. It's crunchy."

"You cooked these?" Prince Luna asked, or rather mumbled around his full mouth. He closed his eyes as he chewed and groaned. "So good…"

"Just the thing for a hangover. And I owed you for the beers." I took my own grilled cheese and took a bite, joining Luna in companionable silence.

He didn't say another word until the sandwich was gone. "For bringing me that, all your debts are paid for the next thousand years."

I wondered how many debts I could run up in a thousand years as I chewed on my last bite. When I gulped it down—the hot cheese coating the back of my throat—I reached for the next piece of toasted goodness. "You helped me hook up, I think we're all good. That was a fun party."

Luna took a bite of one of the egg-in-the-nest and closed his eyes again. Silence reined as we finished off our breakfast (or lunch), and even after it was all gone Luna kept his eyes closed. "How many girls have you fed that to the morning after?"

"A few," I said.

He chuckled. "And how many ripped your pants off with their teeth after eating that?"

"Most of them." I couldn't keep from laughing. "Some cuties in the kitchen, but I best go have a shower and present myself for work."

"Sis is really going through with this?" Luna asked.

"She seems to be, and I can't exactly say no. She's the princess." I carried the plate over to the door and set it on the floor beside it. "Can I?"

"Yeah, you can. But she'll get her way even if you don't. Better to do it on her good side and win some favor." Luna stretched, arching his back and giving his hind quarters a shake. "I might have another nap."

I turned and looked at him.

"Look, after you passed out I had to work last night. You know, prince of dreams and all that? Anyway, if you want to head out again tonight, tell one of the guards to give me a message." That said, Luna walked back to his bedroom.

Considering the morning a done deal, I headed back to my room just as a familiar girl was walking her way up the hall. Jugs moved like you dreamed girls moved. Her hips swayed, her thighs—I swear—almost seemed to alternate between touching opposite walls on each step, and she looked like she was hungry for something.

"Hey uh, Paul, wasn't it?" Jugs asked.

I could only nod dumbly. Her shirt was cut low enough that I could almost see the tops of her areola, and the bottom of it was cut high enough that her belly button was on display. Penis was set for the day, he'd woken up vagina and they were both wolf-whistling at the girl.

"Well, you left some clothes at my place. Don't worry, I washed them." Jugs tossed what was in her hand (I swear I'd never even noticed she had hands) and I caught it dumbly. "Any time you want a beer, drop by, Paul." Her voice was a little less giggly than last night.

I watched her walk all the way to the end of the hall and around the corner before penis and vagina let me think again. Ass was interested too, but ass was the polite one of the trio. I shook my head in time to notice the Royal Guard had been staring too.

"You hit that?" one Guard asked.

Who needed to answer when I could just smile dumbly and walk into my room with my pants, my shirt, my underwear and my boots in my hands. It wasn't going to be a hard conclusion to jump to for them, more a casual step or a shuffle.

A shower and a shave later and I was at least reasonably presentable. The bathrooms of these suites were not just built for royalty, they were stocked for them too. There was a mix of deodorants, shampoos, conditioners, styling gel, and even some aftershave. Seeing as I was working—doing something no one else in Equestria could—I made use of all of it.

I almost didn't notice Twilight fall out of my closet when I was walking out. Life was certainly complicated.

A week had passed. A whole week of scheduling time to sit in the room next to where Princess Celestia and Prince Blue Blood were getting their freak on any time they were doing so. For some that might be a little awkward, but for me it was a simple case of spending the evening chatting with Luna.

Twilight Sparkle continued to fall out of closets, cupboards, and even fell through the ceiling of the coffee shop I patronized one time.

But, of all the strange crap that was happening, none was stranger than Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance. They weren't as obtrusively obvious as Twilight was, but anytime I went somewhere and spent more than five minutes without moving on, they were there.

I'd just gotten a summons to see Princess Celestia and stepped out the door of my suite, when I was engulfed in softness and pink. Pink everywhere. Pink fluffy fabric, pink lacy fabric, and the softest and most wonderful pair of pink breasts.

This wasn't Pinkie Pie, who I have to admit was one of the freakiest women I'd ever been in bed with, but rather someone taller and bigger. I barely got a gulp of air before Cadance's arms wrapped around behind my back and pulled me further into her cleavage.

"Mmfmfm? Mmmmf," I said emphatically.

"Cady, you're smothering him." The feminine voice had a familiar manner of speech.

I couldn't believe myself, but I had to leave heaven if for no other reason than I needed air. Ultimately, Princess Cadance had to let go before I could leave her cleavage. Taking my first breath in almost a minute, I tried to hide my arousal at having been the jelly in the best sandwich to ever exist.

Cadance bounced on her feet, and though I'd returned to the world from heaven, I'd never seen as wonderful a sight as her huge breasts bouncing. "Sorry, Paul, but I'm just so happy! Thank you! Thank you! Thank—"

"Cady! Tell him or I will."

I turned my head—regretting the loss of my vision of heaven—to see Shining Armor as a reasonably solid-looking mare. The big grin on her white-furred face and the electric blue mane reminded me of Vinyl Scratch, but Shining Armor's cutie mark gave her away.

Now, I'd seen a lot of guys in Ponyville wind up like this, definitely enough to tell that Shining Armor wasn't just post-coital—she was pregnant. "Congratulations!" There was nothing else to say.

"And it's all thanks to you!" Princess Cadance said.

"Wait." I held up both hands before she could grab me and render me insensible again in her cozy, warm, bosom. "Why are you thanking me? Is this what the skulking around was all about?"

Cadance managed to blush a slightly deeper shade of pink, and Shining looked a little sheepish.

"Guys, I'm not exactly going to say no. You should have just asked. I'll be a little honest, I kinda enjoy seeing people and ponies happy about what my talent gets them." It was all the truth. Everyone I'd spoken to had told me that using your special talent should bring you joy, and I'll be damned if they weren't right, though mine tended to bring bundles of joy as well.

"My brother's pregnant?!" Twilight Sparkle fell out of a suit of armor on display nearby. With a clatter she shed some of her steel covering until she just had a rather over-emphasized breastplate on. Not that she didn't have amazing tits, but the armor was Cadance-sized, not Twilight-sized.

I saw my opportunity and took it. Slipping away and leaving Twilight to hold their attention, I beat a path along the hall in the direction I now knew was the entrance to the throne room. Like the masses, I had to wait for my chance to see Celestia, unlike the majority of them, however, I had priority.

"The princess is seeing to internal matters right now. You can go in."

Heeding the words of the Royal Guardsman who only looked marginally like a Roman sex deity, I stepped through the big doors and into the throne room. That's when I froze at the sight before me. The two guards at the door were still buff men, but at the bottom of the platform Celestia's throne was on stood two mares in armor.

As my eyes traced their way up the stairs, I eventually saw Princess Celestia—or in this case Prince Celestia. He looked like the cat that ate the canary. A little smile creased his lips as he looked down on me with one eye hidden behind his huge mane.

"Paul. Did you sleep well?" Celestia sounded just as happy as he looked.

"In that bed? I'd be lucky if I'll ever sleep this well ever again, Your Highness," I said as I walked up to the base of the steps. Royalty was a bit of a foreign concept to me, having come from the good ol' U S of A, but the thing I liked about Equestrian royalty was that they didn't seem to want special attention—it just happened.

This, however, with the throne and the platform above everyone—This was Celestia being royal. It bugged me. "What's up? Apart from you, anyway."

"The sun!"

Fucking. Comedians. Everywhere.

"But more seriously, things don't seem to be working, and I'm quite sure it's not myself having the problem." Celestia gestured to the two mares in armor. "It's strange to think that I always thought it was me, but though my studs are too far from the royal line to legitimize, they prove that it is not my royal seed that isn't sowing."

"Maybe Prince Blue Blood isn't in season? I think Softheart said there were ways to induce a cycle. Perhaps we should seek a doctor to help?" Tapping at my chin, I thought about it. "After all, what are the odds his cycle is really odd, like mine, and will take almost a year to start?"

"Very good suggestions—I'll look into them. In the meantime, I would like it if you could take your ease in my sitting room tonight instead of your bedroom." Celestia's sitting room, if it was anything like my own, was the next room over from her bedroom.

"Sure. You think he needs a double dose of me?" I asked.

"And one more thing, Paul, I'd like you to be a pony while there. Invite anyone over you'd like."

Celestia's tone implied that he was done and wouldn't take an argument on it, and honestly speaking, I couldn't rightly come up with one. Jugs generally kept to her bar during evenings, but I knew most of the people and ponies there.

Equestria was the oddest place ever for me, still, when it came to picking up someone for a quickie. A guy going into the bar and flirting with the girls there was practically an open invitation, though Jugs has curtailed my more adventurous side when she'd confirmed that hers was the only bar in town with actual beer.

"Yes, Your Highness. But one thing—can you make sure Twilight Sparkle doesn't sneak in?" It was worth a shot.

Chuckling, Celestia brushed a little of his mane to the side and looked at one of the door guards with a significant come hither twinkle in his eye. "She's just curious, Paul. Twilight just wants to find out all there is to know about everything. Why don't you invite her over tonight? Give her a first-hoof demonstration."

My mind wandered back to how she'd saved my butt from her brother and sister-in-law, and then invariably wandered to her chest. I smiled—it was impossible not to. "I'll ask her, but organize a backup."

"See? Now you're getting it. Here in Canterlot we're a little more relaxed about things, Paul. Relaxed, but organized. See to it." Celestia's attention was completely focused on the guardpony at the door. I felt like it was time to leave before he relaxed down the stairs and organized something.

Slipping through the big doors the moment they opened, I made my way down the hall only to hear the telltale pomf sound of teleportation nearby and frequently. "Twilight, just walk beside me, please?"

The suit of armor to my left seemed to twitch and then said, "But I have to observe—"

"You can observe much easier out here." Besides, I wanted a refresher of how good she looked.

She teleported out with another pomf, and I got to see the nerdy princess up close. She wore unflattering clothing, and I knew full well she had nothing like an hourglass figure, but Twilight Sparkle would be enough for any man to stop and take notice. "S-Sorry."

"It's alright. So what were you trying to observe, anyway?" Conversation. Get her talking and work around to the topic. It wasn't sleezy because Celestia had commanded me. I stopped to think more on that and threw the idea out the window. It was creepy because Celestia had commanded me. "Wait, before we go any further I have to tell you something. Celestia kinda told me to—uh—" come on, don't get tongue-tied just for this! "—he was telling me I need to be a pony tonight, and then mentioned I should get you to h-help."

"Again?!" Anger wasn't what I'd expected from Twilight, but it's what I was apparently going to get. "Ever since she sent me to Ponyville, Celestia's been trying to set me up with anypony and everypony. This got about ten times worse when I got my wings. Did she try some kind of cheesy line like 'Help her with her first time' or 'She's so old for a virgin'?"

"N-Not exactly. He said I should give you a first-hand demonstration of—uh—sex." It was awkward to admit this to anyone, let alone the person who'd been the subject of the discussion.

"I have no idea where she gets the idea I'm still a virgin. She knows I'm not! She caught me with one of her royal guard when he was—" Twilight snapped her mouth closed. "I'm not."

With a relieved sigh, I smiled a little brighter and admired Twilight's attributes all the more for knowing I wasn't going to chase her skirt. "Right. So I'll just head out and find—"

"I didn't say no."

Penis, vagina, and asshole all held a vote. Out of four possible votes, my brain was the only note of dissent. "So you want a warm-up, then?" No! Bad penis! Abort!

"What time do you need to be doing this—uh—duty?" Twilight asked.

"Usually after dinner. Hey, do you want to come down to a place and we can have a drink or two?" It was asshole who was in control now. Asshole had been evolving a taste in girls to rival both penis and vagina, and what asshole liked was in Jugs' bar.

"Like cider? Or stronger than cider?" Twilight sounded intensely curious, and I had to remind myself that this woman had a mind like a steel trap. "Like Granny Smith's jacked cider?"

"Well, you see, they have beer. Beer is the most amazing stuff, and I promise you'll absolutely love it." I don't remember when stomach had gotten a vote, but the idea of sinking a beer or two really appealed to me. "But can we get something straight first?"

At my more serious tone, Twilight paused, then had to rush a little to catch back up to me. "O-Okay. What?"

"If I get drunk, and things go a little far, you leave my pussy alone. I still have no idea when my season will be, and it worries me every time that it might be today that it starts," I said.

"You really mean that? I mean, I know you mean that, but you mean that if we get drunk you're okay with—" Twilight, I realized, had made the grand mistake in life of giving her brain veto power. Or maybe it was her mouth? Do mouths get a say in things? "You'll always seem strange to me, Paul."

"Because I like having fun?" The question was only half joking.

"Yes! No!" Giving a huff, Twilight crossed her arms over her chest—which was a tragedy. "I've just never been with a guy who's so open about what they want. Normally there's all kinds of social games guys want to play before they'll consider letting you touch them. You're just…"

"I like to think the word you're searching for, princess, is amiable, and I am. I liked having fun as a human, and I gotta say being a pony has been a blast. Not going to say sex is better one way or the other, mind you, but it's different. Now, will you help me?" Given the way things were kinda reversed here, I imagine this was much like having a girl come up and ask you out on a date and maybe "more", but I didn't care. Fun was fun, and we were both adults.

"Can I take notes?"

I snorted at her typical nerdiness. "Sure. But I want you to tell me the same thing I said before."

Twilight looked genuinely confused. "Huh?"

"What do you want to be the stopping point?"

"Oh…" Her eyes flew open. "OH! Uh, being a guy I guess I—"

"Come on, you do have things you don't wanna do. What if we find another cute girl and she wants to mount you?" My words made Twilight's eyes go as wide as saucers. "Right. So you don't want—"

"I-I-I might be okay with that. Maybe."

"Okay, so we play it by ear, and if things get too freaky we both stop and sober up, okay?"

"But I get to take notes?" Twilight asked. "Wait, I already asked that. I need to make a list of questions for tonight!" She then disappeared in another pomf of magic.

"Great. Now I have an afternoon to kill and no one to hang with. I wonder how long she'll take to—" Another pomf interrupted me. Twilight had a notepad, a pen, what looked like a scroll of paper, and she'd gotten changed. All but the latter I could ignore.

"Sorry! I had to get changed and get all my notes ready and——" Her words trailed on a little, as Twilight is want to do, but the breathing required to continue talking made the blouse she was now wearing move in wonderful ways. Each deep breath Twilight took made her chest push into the soft fabric. "… That's why I needed to ask Spike to keep an eye on Pinkie Pie. Do you still want to go?"

I looked down at myself—still wearing my better clothes from the visit to Celestia—and judged I was fine enough to at least hang off the arm of a princess. Reaching out, I hooked my arm under hers and grinned. "Come on, Princess, I'm going to show you a wonderful little place I fell in love with."

Author's Note

Paul what's in the water for the huge increase in sexual activity? Side note I'm concerned that you may end up with foal with the amount of sex you have especially with your special talent.

"You're telling me! You aren't the one running around with a magic field of pregnancy induction centered on you. It's like a bloody cross hair, and I'm worried it might be taking aim on me!" I shook my head as I reread the question. "Dude, if you could see what I could see... Imagine the most arousing thing in the world constantly just there every day and every hour, and you can't just beat off!"

So I do this "Ask X" thing. X can be any pony within the story. You can ask them anything and they will definitely, hopefully reply. Keep the questions appropriate to the age-rating of the stories, and they will answer the best question in the author notes of the next chapter. The more votes a comment has the more likely I will get it to the right pony to answer. Try to keep it to one question per post! They will pick one question per chapter.

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