Author's Note

Give me hard criticism please lads, it makes me hard.

Also, I said there will be no explicit item X into slot Y in the description, but, spoiler alert, Anon uses his dick as a safecracker.

Day 3.

“Oh my, are they...”

“Is that Anon?”

“That explains why he was so protective, ah think...”

Anon woke peacefully to the muttering of voices around him. Still a bit tired from the events of yesterday, and not used to waking up this early, his closed his eyes to rest and pushed deeper into what he assumed to be the warm, hard yet surprisingly comfortable backboard of Twilight’s sofa. The backboard hugged back. It was at this moment, Anon knew, that this was not Twilight's sofa. He rolled over slowly, in order to not disturb the other presence with him. Opening his eyes, he saw hard purple and green scales. Anon realized that he was little spoon with Spike on the sofa. Turning back around, he noticed Twilight, Fluttershy and Applejack’s stares and prominent blushes.

Anon sat up. “This is not what it looks like.” Looking down, he realized he was shirtless and that his belt was slightly undone. “I don’t even know what this is.” Anon monologued to himself out loud. Spike, behind him, hugged harder. After a bumpy feeling on his back, It was apparent to Anon and the other 3 ponies in the room a big detail. Silence ensued.

Anon spoke to Twilight. “Is that what I think it is?”

Twilight, coughed into her hoof. “if you’re thinking nocturnal penile tumescence, then yes.”

Anon, standing at full height, put on his shirt, jacket and fastened his belt before shaking Spike. “Wake up, Spike.” Yawning, Spike opened his eyes.

Sitting up, he stared around the room. “Hey Anon.” Standing at full height, Spike’s newfound growth put his thigh’s at the same level of a pony’s head. Looking down, Spike realized he had also had a ‘newfound growth’ last night. Bolting into the bathroom, Anon was left with the 3 awkward ponies.

Anon, grabbing his stuff and heading to the door, turned to the 3 ponies in the room. “Don’t tell Rarity. Or anyone else for that matter.”

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Walking into the dry, sunny skies, Anon walked down the street. Now awake fully, he decided to get a start on chores early. Going to his favorite cafe, he ordered his usual, pulled a pen out of his jacket and took a napkin to make his to do list for today. After 2 cups of tea and thinking for a couple minutes, Anon finally wrote down what he needed to do today.

~~-Have Tea~~

-Get ‘Groceries’

-Look for the being known as Zecora in the woods for herbs.

Happy with his simple list, Anon diverted from his usual path out towards barnyard bargains, instead opting for the new store in town he had yet to check out. Walking forward, he took the detour to pick up his groceries for the afternoon. Stepping out of his chair, he headed down the city streets, to the outer town limit.

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Heading through the door, Anon quickly grabbed a basket and headed down the aisle. Grabbing his usual shopping of food and other basic supplies, Anon headed to the front counter. The pony there spun on his stool and turned to Anon. Loading the cart of Anon’s shopping into plastic bags, Anon piped up. “Hey, give me a bottle of Grandpa Gruff’s Hard knock Whiskey, And a bottle of Stalliongrad vodka.”

The cashier looked intently at the knife on Anon’s hip and the dark coat on his back. Looking Anon in the eyes, asked Anon a question. “What is the color of night?”

Anon, hit with a wave of nostalgia, instinctively answered. “Sanguine, my brother.”

The cashier laughed heartily. “Ah! You must be the one that Filly-of-mother Shine Moon was talking about! From Manhattan was talking about! Come, craftsman, we have the largest chemistry set and storage between all the other hideouts!” Walking to the backdoor, Anon quickly grabbed his shopping basket and put it under the desk. Heading forward, he followed the cashier to the backroom. It was dusty, however Anon quickly noticed that the cabinet at the side was clean; walking past the cashier, he swung it open to find a corridor. The cashier, trotting down the corridor, waved Anon to follow. They soon came to a door. Following the cashier inside, Anon soon came into a clean, warm, dim-lit workshop, hustling with activity. Though dim-lit however, Anon could clearly notice the dark-blue pedestal, holding large armor with several gems taped to it and giant portrait of Nightmare Moon on the wall. Suddenly, activity stopped as most workers moved to the middle. Suddenly, the gems on the armor filled with a dark blue color, before expanding outwards into a large head.

It opened it’s eyes. “My loyal subjects. The reckoning will come soon, the night of our RETRIBUTION!” Cheers echo the room. Anon kept out of sight in the middle of the crowd. “We shall obtain revenge on the horrid sun devil! But first, tell me your plans of recent.” Staring at the crowd, the dark shadow pointed towards a young filly in the crowd. “Tell me filly, what are group B working on?”

The admiration in the filly’s eyes sparkled. Speaking up, it was true that this filly looked up to this shadow. “We are creating propaganda! We’re obtaining more surface members!” the shadow nodded In admiration.

Moving it’s appendage, the shadow pointed at Anon. “And you… minotaur? What do your group have planned?” Sweating as all eyes turned to the newcomer, Anon’s quick thinking and wit worked on a response.

Stepping up, Anon showed his plan. “We shall bomb the mosque of the false moon!” All faces contorted into confusion.

The now angered shadow shouted. “WHY!? Take out the other anti-sun, one that could be our allies, why don’t we just blow up our workshop while we’re at it?!” The shadow waited for a response.

Anon didn’t stand down. “Bomb the mosque, radicalize the moderates, bring it all on!” A single sweat showed on Anon’s brow.

The shadow moved back. “That. Is. BRILLIANT! Do this! Then we will obtain the element’s of harmony with our numbers, and recreate my true body at full power!” Anon sighed. That was totally not a terrible, flawed plan.

“Fuck mini-babybel’s...” Anon heard across the room.

After this encounter, the spirit flowed back into its armor. After some shifting, everyone quickly moved back to work, with the cashier standing next to Anon. “So, lets show you to your workshop...”

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Anon entered the cramped workspace, following the cashier, Anon quickly sat on the stool and tilted to his workspace. Pulling out his notebook, flipped to the recipe section and started grabbing vials. “Sulfuric acid, check. Nitric acid, check. Water? Check. Two beakers, yeah, wait.” Looking over his desk, he sighed. “Where the fucks the Ice bath and Centigrade thermometer?” He talked to the pony working on timers out of watches.

He stopped tinkering with the pocket watch. “Why do we need them?” the pony tilted his head in confusion. “We have the grace of the nightmare to work our minds to estimate temperature!” Anon hit his head on the desk.

Stepping out of the workshop, Anon found the cashier observing the several other workshops. “Hey, where’s the largest Chemistry set that you pride yourself off?” The cashier nodded, and lead Anon into an industrial-sized chemistry lab; by that, a high school chemistry lab scaled up for the size of giants. “The fuck?” Anon told himself, wondering why this stuff could even be made.

The cashier walked into the room ahead. “Its for dragons.”

Anon looked up in confusion. “Dragons need chemistry equipment now?”

“It’s the current year, anypony can be anypony now.” The cashier walked forward, Clapping his hooves, attending to the crowds of several dozen ponies. “Alright, this is the head chemist from the Manehatten division. He is the smartest chemist here. Please assist our brother with what he needs.” The cashier stepped out.

Anon, turning to the crowd. “Alright, who’s the head here?” A unicorn put his hand up. Anon walked over to the unicorn. “Alright, take this.” writing on a piece of paper, Anon handed the unicorn a set of instructions. “Make as much of this as you can. Follow the instructions to the T, and you’ll be fine.” Checking his pocket-watch, Anon noted the time of 10:45

Looking over the instructions, the unicorn tilted his head. “We can use magic to speed the creation of acid-phenol solution. I don’t even know what were making here. And this last instruction confuses me, Add metal after you make as much as possible? Okay, but I guess you’re the head chemist. We’ll have it done in 2 hours minimum.” Okay, Anon was shocked about how fast they’d make it.

And the little amount of time he had to run.

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Anon, followed by 74 fillies and colts (He did a headcount) speed-walked and speed-trotted through the tunnel. Checking his watch again, he noted the time. 11:35. He had grabbed the younglings before leaving; Anon still had some heart left, nobody kills a kid.

“Mister Anon, where are we going?” The orange pegasi filly said at the front of the big group. Anon had seen her around Applejack’s farm before this, hanging out with Applebloom.

“Don’t worry, we’re just going on a little trip, and play some games. Lets talk. You got a name?” Anon decided to stall for time until it was too late for the fillies to come back.

“It’s Scootaloo.” The filly replied, as Anon opened the door from the musty rock passageway. Grabbing the basket from behind the desk and walking to the front door, he the door had a sign that read ‘closed for renovations.’ Anon scoffed.

“Well Scootaloo, do you have any good games to play?” Anon Sighed, walking out the door and towards town, with the fillies and colts behind them.

Scootaloo turned to Anon. “With other fillies or adults?” Scootaloo looked a bit worried and tense waiting for Anon’s answer.

Anon noted this. His curiosity flared. “With Adults? What games do you play with adults?” Scootaloo looked extremely worried.

“Well, the orphanage caretaker, Priest-of-the-moon Steel Anvil, made me play this game with him where he’d blindfold me, turned me around and then make me feel funny.” Scootaloo answered. The answer shook Anon to the core. “And then he made me stick something in my behind, it was weird. He said if I tell anypony he’d take away my meal and outside privileges. He played the game with a couple of other of the fillies, too.” Realizing what she is saying, Scootaloo put her hooves to her mouth. “Please don’t tell him I said this! I have a crusader’s meeting tomorrow!”

Anon held a grim smile. “Don’t worry, I promise not to get you in trouble, even though I have plans with him the next time I see him.”

Scootaloo turned to Anon with confusion. “What are you going to do with Mister Anvil?”

Anon chuckled grimly, moving into the view of the park. “Well, I do have have a rusty spoon around, have you ever heard of the process of gelding?”

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Anon, after confirming and triple checking the headcount with Scootaloo, Anon bought 2 balls from the vendor’s in the market and watched with a giggle as he acted as referee of the brand new sport he introduced to the kids called “Football slash Soccer, depending where your from.”

He didn’t have to do much; the fillies and colts split into 4 equal teams and, using some bins Anon moved over as goals, quickly assigned positions as a team, having a lot of fun bucking for other goals and such. Having 2 pitches and one referee, Anon feared of having to watch them closely at the start, but Anon could actually say, in truth, these were angels compared to kids back on earth.

In the hour he’d been Refereeing he realized it was 25 minutes until the point of no return. Sighing, Anon walked over to the two collective games and whistled with his fingers, causing both games to stop. Colts and fillies lined up in front of Anon collectively. “Alright, we’ll have to cut here for the day.” A collective sigh filled the crowd. “Who says we’re going back? We’d miss the fireworks if we don’t head to sugar-cube corner now!” A collective cheer filled the crowd. Checking his pouch and calculating some prices in his head, he had just enough for ice cream for everyone.

===========================================================================================

After some walking, the 74 younglings crowded the outside of sugar-cube corner. Customer’s didn’t know what to believe; a being like Anon, somehow appealing to kids, having so many fillies around him laughing was extraordinary. Walking into sugar cube corner while the fillies waited outside, Anon pulled the order for ice cream, using his list for Pinkie to make everything as it should. Walking outside, Anon found 2 fillies outside; one wearing a tiara, exerting an aura of wealth around them.

Getting closer, Anon’s blood boiled at their words. “Poor orphan blank flank!” Anon got closer quietly, standing behind them menacingly, while they didn’t notice. “I Bet your parents left you because you’re a blankie!” they shouted at Scootaloo. Scootaloo looked about to cry.

The fillies froze at Anon’s voice. “Yare yare daze-” Anon stopped himself. “I mean, good grief.” The fillies turned around to the human. “Ponies like you are just the worst. You remind me of human children and teenagers. So, if you dislike orphans so much, I hope you don’t hate yourself after I'm finished. If you don’t leave my sight within the next 10 seconds, you’ll know the true meaning of pain.”

The fillies flashed a look of fear, then tried to keep their composure as the pink one spoke up. “You dare threaten me? Do you know who I am? I’m the daughter of Filthy Rich! He owns barnyard bargains! He could crush your life easily! He could-”

Anon cut her off. “4 seconds have passed.”

The pink ponies sweated profusely. “I-I could have him destroy you at a moments notice! Faster than you can blink!”

Anon Sighed again. His face threw true fear into the filly. “6 seconds have passed.”

The pony started shivering. She then did what Anon would expect; Bolt. Scootaloo looked at Anon’s display in amazement. Anon lifted her onto his shoulders and walked back to the crowd. Sitting down in the group and coughing, the children all looked at him as he pointed at the mountain with one word. “Watch.” All the group turned to the mountain in wonder.

-*-

The Unicorn stared in amazement. The amount of this special chemical for Anon easily passed 200 kilograms, no, 400 kilograms. It nearly filled the entire storeroom!

With pride, he opened a small bag containing a solid Iron bar. Walking towards the row big glass beakers, he dropped in the chunk of iron.

-*-

Anon’s eyes lit up as the mountain released a tremor though the town, and then started to crumble. Worry filled the streets until the mountain started to fall in on itself slightly, as the explosion was easily visible. The younglings stared in awe.

Anon Just laughed. “THAT WAS AMAZING!” The group followed Anon’s example, all cheering and pointing. Ponies in the street were all confused at Anon’s antics.

Twilight, coming to the center of town, quickly ran towards Anon. “What the tartarus was that?” Anon, still laughing hysterically, turned to Twilight, calming down.

Clearing his throat, he whistled, causing the kids to stand at attention. “Alright, follow! To the library!” Anon noted the mixed reactions. Following along with a sigh, Twilight stuck close behind Anon. “I’ll explain when we get there, Twilight.” He said following the road.

One of the fillies walked forward next to Anon “Mister Anon, why are we going with one of the unholy spawns of the sun?” Twilight blanked at that. Looking over at Anon, her eyes showed pure anger.

Anon bent over and rustled Twilight’s mane. “I’ll tell you later.” Anon turned to the filly, then squatted. “And you, don’t worry; it ends with ice cream.” The answer seemed to ease the filly. She walked back to the crowd, as they carried their trek towards the library.

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Anon entered the Library with Twilight, leaving both balls outside to distract the kids. Twilight shut the door calmly, walking forward towards the kitchen with Anon in tow. Turning into the kitchen, Anon took a seat on the other side of the table.

Twilight took a drink of coffee. “Lets talk Anon.” She held a fiery stare. “Can we start from the beginning. Why did that mountain blow up?”

Anon replied with full integrity. “I blew it up.”

Twilight did a spit-take. “That isn’t funny!”

Anon didn’t laugh. “I’m not joking.” Sighing, Anon got comfortable.”Let me start from the beginning.”

One Convoluted explanation and a cup of tea later.

“And then we ate ice cream and watched the mountain explode.” Twilight was gobsmacked.

She shook her head. “Let me make this clear. You infiltrated a terrorist group successfully, tricked them into making high power explosives AND triggering them, took the kids in the building out, and created over 50 new orphans, all in the process of getting bucking groceries?” Anon Nodded. Twilight rubbed her temples with her temples. “Leave them here, I’ll explain the situation with Luna, she’ll coax them to the orphanage and educate the orphans under Celestia’s watch.”

Anon sighed. Entering the main part of the library, Holding his groceries, watched Spike light the message away. Stepping out the door, He fished a napkin out of his back pocket, crossing a line through the finished task.

~~-Have Tea~~

~~-Get ‘Groceries’~~

-Look for the being known as Zecora in the woods for herbs.

After telling the orphans to stay here and listen to Twilight, a quick detour to his caravan was in order. Stepping though the door, Anon proceeded to load his groceries into his kitchen. Glancing at an opened book from Twilight’s library on the counter, he looked though the list of mythical monsters of the Everfree forest. He had also wanted to pick up a book on it’s flora as well, however it had been taken out by Rarity a week ago for inspiration for a new piece.

Looking at the creatures worried Anon. He knew that just the XP-100 wouldn’t cut it- It’s scope was made for longer ranges. He had enough magically-duped ammo curtsy of Twilight for other guns. Walking into his storeroom, Thinking of which to bring from his strange gun collection, his eyes drew towards a bag hanging from a sling.

“Holy shit, I nearly forgot about you.” he said to nobody out loud.

Anon picked up the bag off the sling, moving to his front room and zipping it open. Inside was Anon’s uncles prized Rhuzi. His crazy rich uncle gave it to Anon after smuggling it into the country. Anon had taken care of it; his uncle loved the gun, even though it was apparently for women. His uncle had obtained 4 40 round mags somehow, and him and Anon would shoot it on his estate. With enough rounds to kill a hydra, he set off with both his XP-100 and Rhuzi. Turning down the path, Anon stood towards the fabled Everfree forest. Arming both his guns, headed down the path. “There is no way this can go wrong.” Anon said to himself.

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“THIS WENT WRONG! AHHH!” Anon bolted through the woods. Anon, early on his adventures, took the wrong turn and came face to face with a hydra. Turns out hydra scale is very bulletproof, the only accomplishment was getting clawed across the chest. “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUCK!!!!!!” Anon, despite his injuries, dashed between trees while the hydra stomped through them. Taking a turn, he slowed down, coming to the edge of a cliff. Turning around, he saw the hydra ready to charge. Anon, taking a deep breath, raised both arms and flipped the hydra the bird.

Before falling backwards.

Salt water ran across his wounds, filling him with a burning sensation. Crawling out of the river, guns and bag in hand, he hefted himself onto a patch of light-blue luminescent flowers. After Anon obtained his bearings, on a hunch, he wandered. It felt like hours. Anon felt his wounds sting. This wasn’t just some crossbow bolt, as he walked, he swore he could feel his broken ribs move as he moved. He didn’t even know how he kept walking, he just did. Stepping through the bristles, Anon couldn’t believe his eyes; “Why the fuck… Is there a castle out here...” he sputtered.

He entered through the door, grasping his chest and leaning on the wall. After a deep breath, Anon kept walking at a steady pace. Through the corridors, he walked into what seemed to be a wizards chamber. Stepping though the door, he stopped. He felt... something. A feeling he could not describe. To put it into words, imagine a feeling light, but no warmth. Something was bugging him about the room.

Settling down on a dusty chair, Anon surveyed the room. Glancing at the desk beside him, he saw a couple books and a small pouch. “Score.” Inside the pouch was lunch money, however coins from Pre-nightmare era, Anon knowing this after researching coins with a late night book after being horribly scammed by Rainbow dash over a cider. These coins were easily 14x their value. Stuffing the pouch into his bag, Anon turned to the book, reaching out before his injuries flared. “Fuck!” He screamed, as the pain caught up with him.

Settling down and grabbing the book gently, inside were what seemed to be magical incantations, and the book next to him being a primer on basic magic theory. A glow fizzled from the books, most likely a preservation spell, considering the conditions of both books. Carefully placing them into his bag for later reading, Anon pulled out a basic first aid kit, containing supplies that should tide him over until medical attention was a possibility. Standing with newfound vigor, Anon took a closer look around the room, until the wall caught his eye. Stepping towards it, bag in hand, Anon fell forwards. Fear took hold as he prepared to hit the wall and have a concussion.

Only to fall straight through it.

Catching himself, he looked around the poorly lit room in wonder; the wall had been an illusion. Putting his hand against the wall, he could easily walk though it with ease. He noted this, before he realized that now isn’t a good idea to explore. “Fuck it.” Anon said to himself, checking out the room. His eyes drew to a book on a pedestal. “Yoink.” Anon said to himself, swiping the book. Grabbing books willy-nilly, Anon accidentally knocked a mirror off the wall, revealing a safe.

“Jackpot.” squatting down, Anon saw the label scratched into the safe. “Magilock 7; Uncrackable.” He whistled to himself. The key hole was slightly large, about the size of a unicorn horn. Anon looked into his pack for anything that fit. “Something larger than my finger, thick, and has magical properties. I don’t think anything matches that criteria. Except my penis. Heh.” Anon laughing to himself at his inside joke, came to a sudden realization.

“Wait. Magic lock right? So if I shove my dick in...” Unzipping his fly, Anon stuck it into the safe. A whirring sound filled the room, followed by a click. “Fucking all that is holy, my dick is a safe-cracker.” Following the safe opening slowly, Anon took a peek inside. A glowing orb filled his vision. Grabbing it around his fingers, felt the warmth radiating from it, until the glow increased to a shine.

“H-Hello?”

Anon Immediately jumped at the voice. Swirling around, the room was still empty. “Who’s there?” Anon responded, ready for an attack.

The voice responded. “Mommy? Is that you?” Anon picked up the voices tone. Gentle and high pitched, like a child. It was coming from the orb.

Anon held It closer to his face. “I’m not your mother. Hi, I’m Anon, what’s your name?” Taking a gentle tone in order to keep the child calm, Anon curiosity was the only thing on his mind.

“I-I can’t remember.” Anon winced at the sobbing.

He attempted to console the child. “Don’t cry, if you don’t have a name, why don’t we make one, okay?” Holding the orb close to his chest, he felt sorry for her. Stepping out of the hidden room, he sat on the decrepit chair.

“C-Can you let me out first?” The voiced meekly answered.

Staring out of the window, Anon watched the hydra run north through the forest in anger. With it’s leave, Anon decided now would be a good time to run through the woods. “Not yet. But soon.” clinging to his wounds and sliding the orb into his bag, Anon bolted through the woods, Running down rivers and dashing between trees. Suddenly, he felt his stomach lock up. He felt his elbows bend unnaturally, his knees contort, yet felt no extra pain. His back contorted, and, with everything catching up to him at once, he blacked out.