The Sexual Education of The School of Friendship.

I'm afraid I can no longer tolerate your mischief. My teeth have been grinding more than often, due to the discovery of your Lunar Sex Archives, -Yes, I know- in the Starswirl the Bearded Wing, no less! I don't find any of your parodic prattle about your schooling very amusing little filly. My wing of the library is reserved for the most important spells in ponykind, and because of your actions, I now have to close off the wing to the public. Only a few people will be allowed in and it will be heavily guarded, it makes my research feel quite useless. I hope it was worth teaching a small generation of ponies how to 'basically, jack off with the galaxy's tears' I nearly went bald, trying to undo the damage you dealt to ponykind, there is only so much that towels and a meager neutering spell can do. You, two minxes, have undoubtedly soiled my name forever. I'm going to be cross when she comes back.

On a more personal note, if you know what's good for you, you will stay away from Discord, I don't like the influence he's had on you as of late.

Attached is an abridgment of a particularly harmful article from your Lunar Sex Archives (Of all things, honestly), I've had to erase a lot of memories. If you don't cease your behavior, Luna won't be the only one who's trapped.

Progressive. About. Sexsive.

Starlight caps her dry-erase with a prideful click.

"You see up until recently no one had any access to this section of the library as it has been sealed off for nearly a thousand years. But since I was such a hit with the students, I'm sorry I don't mean to brag -sniff- Twilight has put me in charge of the future of your sexual education, so I've decided it's time to get..."

Ms. Glimmer magically fumbles for her pointer. "Progressive. About. Sex~~sive~~."

A pony raises a hoof.

"Yes...you had a question, mister..."

"Dodham."

She magically points at the pony with her pointer. "Right, Dodham, did you like a question?"

A griffin's gum bobble pops.

Not waiting for a reply, Starlight Glimmer prepares the next slide in her presentation.

A pony whose name contains Juan says. "Uhh, yeah Ms. Glimmer, you keep showing us these slides, right?"

"Oh. Yes! You noticed!" She points to the three words she wrote...in black marker...on the ancient script.

"I've highlighted the pertinent parts." Starlight Glimmer says, beaming at her preparation.

Juan continues. "Yeah, the thing is Ms. Glimmer, we can still see the stuff that's not highlighted. I didn't want to say anything, because, you know, I'm a curious pony yo. But now, it's like, I don't want you to get into trouble, you know?"

A griffin stretches the gum from her mouth while several dragons cough in succession.

Starlight Glimmer blinks in confusion. "Well, to be honest, I skimmed this part, what does it say?"

A dragon speaks up, abruptly. "Ms. Glimmer, I'm sorry, it is my burden to bear! I saw that you were making a grave mistake and my honor was misplaced!"

A yak chimes in. "I just yak, but even yak know what 'incriminate' mean."

Starlight Glimmer begins to sweat and in a panic, removes the slide.

She refers to her hard copy and begins to sweat.

A smattering of apologies.

A pegasus floats above her seat, rising to Starlight's defense. "But we won't tell anyone will we?! Right?"

Half-hearted mumbling.

The floating pegasus clops her front hooves together threateningly. "RIGHT??"

"I tell half of school, Belinda love gossip." A yak chimes in.

The sound of Starlight Glimmer's face hitting the desk.

Belinda frowns. "I not supposed to tell?"

Starlight Glimmer peels her head off her desk defeatedly and grimaces. "Well then, why don't I just tell you about the time I enslaved someone for my sexual satisfaction."

The pegasus nervously floats down to her seat.

Another yak raises a hoof.

Starlight presses on. "Questions after!"

The yak lowers his hoof.

"I promised myself that I would get through this class, I promised Twilight. And by Celestia's sweet plot-"

A shy pony gasps and blushes, the class begins to speak up.

Over the hubbub, the teacher continues. "I am going to finish this class!!!"

The class falls silent. "Twilight might not return this time. Let's be honest here. I've sent messages but so far I haven't heard back."

"I wanted...I wanted all of you to learn something but-" She starts to well up "But I'm not qualified! Please... stop... CHEWING THAT GUM!"

A griffin silently spits gum into a wrapper, and shamefully discards it.

"I'm just not qualified...I have committed some of the worst sexual crimes you can imagine, fantasies none of you have even considered, and let me tell you... I've thought about committing those again to several of you... I don't know when you have complete control over your own society - I mean, it's just - I've changed though! Now they're just echoes of who I was but I can never forget them! I can never forget!"

Starlight is crying, the classroom is dead silent. The substitute sex ed gently sobs into a desk drawer, trying to compose herself.

A dragon raises a claw.

"Questions! After!" Her face is dripping with smudged makeup, her horn lights up in a flash and her makeup is redone.

She lowers her claw.

"Moondust and Sparkle Dew were a couple of the unfortunate victims. I was jealous, I guess... of her Uhm..friend. He just gave her So. Much. Attention. I thought my conformity spell was supposed to counteract stuff like that but maybe my calculations were wrong or something. To any outside observer, it would've seemed like Sparkle Dew was in love with Moondust, even though it was impossible. He was so beautiful, I swear. Even though I wanted the village to look more or less the same, there was always something...different about him. But...but he never seemed to give me that same attention. So I... I made her...Uhm... fuck me with his dick, while he was locked in a trunk.-

Every creature gasps.

"- The most fucked up part is that I studied portal spells for a month to be able to do that horrifying, awful thing. I erased their memories but they were never the same after that, I instilled a deep sadness into both of them, one that no amount of time was going to erase. I made them...I made them as happy as I could after that, with every spell I could think of but I- I -well I couldn't undo it. I can't undo it. I deserve to be miserable forever for that. B-but-...well you creatures don't. I'm sorry, I'm trying but I don't know much about sex, I think I've warped what sex is and what it represents. I'm not fit to teach you about it."

...
..
.

A pony raises a hoof.

"You had a question, mister Dedham?" Starlight mutters weakly.

"Dodham... Ms. Glimmer, did you really do those things?"

"Yes, Dodham, it's what happens when you have too much power over your fantasies. Nothing is enough."

The class gently rabble-rouses of current events.

There is an ominous rumble outside.

Every creature turns to look in the direction of the rumble and exchange nervous looks. Eventually, their gazes slowly float back to Starlight who is throwing all her papers away, her horn lights up with literal burning intent as she glares at all of her research in the trash bin.

"WAIT MS.GLIMMER!-"