She's Green Like A Green Text
See Ya Later, Virgins
B_25
“That's it,” I muttered to myself. “Fuck this shit.”
I closed the browser on my computer. I'd about had it with everything! Here I was, in pony land of all places, with my hand squeezing my cock, jerking off to drawn porn of the very creatures I could fuck if I pleased!
Not only that, but all the mares here seemed like they wanted to mate with me. I mean, I only rejected some of these chicks because of how freaky they could be: wanting to put me in a herd and shit. I said, “Fuck that shit,” and proceeded to fuck away from that shit.
I was a NEET before I'd come here. How I got here—no fuckin' idea, but I wasn't questioning it, y'know, in fear of everything fading once the answer became clear. There was no intent to find out who I was, or where I was, or fuck, wanting to go home.
Twilight Sparkle covered my expenses. Said it was 'traumatic' to come to this world. I wasn't complaining—it gave me all the time I needed to fuck about and... fit in. To be honest, I wasn't making much on that last part of that promise. It made me feel bad.
Twilight Sparkle had gone through the trouble of patching some of my gear from Earth. She also managed to steal a connection from my old world too. I had no idea who it belonged to, but it was my only way of still accessing the internet. No fees either, so it’s a total win.
But I'd wasted too much time and I knew it. Whatever looks I had, decent as they were, would not last forever—unless I got my ass in gear. That wasn't my goal in life. What I desired, more than anything, was to be as lazy as possible without feeling too bad about it.
And one such guilt prick was this: how are you still a virgin with so many willing chicks around?
It hadn't helped, that long ago, a friend told me I had a face that even a horse wouldn't fuck. He proceeded to make some distressed neighing sounds, and afterward, all my attempts to jerk off at horse porn have resulted in his distressed neighing playing in my mind. Often, I was in tears by the time I came.
I was a complicated soul.
At least, that's what I like to tell myself.
...what was I talking about? Oh, right! Getting laid. Doing the dirty with little horsies—oh fuck that sounded wrong. They weren't really horses per se. They have hooves and muzzles and all that, but in a way, they were like cute little ponies, retaining their animated features.
Which was one point I tried using against my mind, “Hey mind, could you, uh, fuck off! So what if I'm a virgin? There's no human girls around. And there's no way I'm losing my virginity to a horse!”
To which, my mind, the prick that it was, replied: “You already jerk off to them, hypocrite. What's the difference between sticking your dick in one?”
Now look, that argument could have gone on for ages. The best person to argue with, of course, was always yourself—but mine tended to last for hours, and even though I won, it wasn't me winning. Fucking a mare would make me feel less guilty about my life. There would still be guilt, just slightly less of it.
First thing: shower. Started off with some hot water to clean the dirt out of the pores. Felt super nice too. Once done, with skin soaped and hair shampooed, I turned the fuckin' dial right, going from the pits of hell to a shower's interpretation of what it feels like to be inside an ice cube.
Believe it or not, having cold water afterward was great for the skin! It closed the already cleaned pores, tightened the skin, and in some cases, increased testosterone. There's a feeling of freshness and achievement afterward, and your hair felt thick in a pleasant way.
Shaved. Combed. Let's fuckin go.
“Do you have ID?”
“Uh.” I blinked. “What?”
“To confirm your age, sir.” The mare stood at my hips, which was pretty impressive, though her expression was impassive. “Can't let you in unless you're old enough to drink.”
“Makes... sense I guess.” I fished around in my pocket, feeling my wallet and grabbing it, then handing it off to her. “Here you are. The ID is on the left.” She had difficulty opening it with her hooves. The clip was too strong for her broad hooves to get a grip on. “Should I open that for—“
“I could never ask that of a stallion!” the mare replied, falling on her rump and fiddling with my wallet. “Just let me do all the work. Please take a few breaths. Relax.” She stuck her tongue out in concentration, which was kinda cute to see.
“Alright then,” I said. “Deep breaths.”
It wasn't a matter I thought about. What was the drinking age here? In fact, screw that—what if our ages weren't even the same? What if ponies were like dogs, y’know, living to only fifteen, so we made up some bullshit list called dog years.
Did ponies have that too? Pony years? Sounded like a montage or some shit. Kinda whack on the first hearing, but after repeating it through my head, it sounded and looked kinda cool, don't it? Pony years. Man! There was just something about that drawing me in!
“Got it!” The sound of my wallet clipping filled the air. For a second, I'd forgotten shit was happening in the real world. “Now let's see here. Hmm... oh? Oh!” The mare lowered my wallet, giggling while she did so. “Why don't you look different!”
I scratched at my jawline, appreciating how smooth it felt from the shave. “Decided to dress a bit. Whaddaya think?” I spun around, feeling the breeze in my dress pants, enjoying how tightly my vest hugged my chest. “Pretty decent, right?”
“You look cute!”
Oh, fuck me! I stopped spinning at once. Never hit a guy with the dreaded cute unless you wanna tear apart his ego. This was the reason I never tried with girls—I'd never be sharp or handsome, but rather, goofy and... cute.
Fuck that. Time to change fate.
“But like, cute in a good way, right?” I replied.
“Of course in a good way, sweetie!”
Fuck me.
My heart stopped when I entered the bar.
I knew they were supposed to be packed places, but this... this was a tad packed. Mares and stallions walked passed one another while others stumbled drunkily through, but all were happy, even the servers, who maneuvered slowly and surely to make sure they didn’t drop anything. The music of the band wafted overhead, setting the tone for what could possibly come.
This was not my fuckin' scene.
I carried forward all the same. The fuck was I going to do? Walk in just to walk out? What would have been the point in leaving the house in the first place? I guess I could pass it off as going for a walk, but then I would have been lying to myself, which would cause me to feel all the more guilty.
Fuck it. If I at least got drunk, then maybe, maybe I could say I took at least one step forward. So I carried myself through the bar, feeling the wooden floor creak ever so slightly, all while ponies gazed up at me.
I did my best to smile and keep looking forward. Who could blame ponies when a human was waltzing through the bar? I didn't fare well with being the center of attention in such an open area. I needed a place to sit down, a section of isolation. Anywhere I could breathe, really.
So I found myself at the counter of the bar. Right in the corner, too, with a door that led out back. There were only two stools, one was already taken by a sitting mint-colored mare, but she was staring too heavily into her drink to notice me approaching.
Perfect. I took a seat on the stool next to her, taking a moment to just... breathe. Inhale and exhale. Let the weight in my chest seep slowly out through my breath. Raising my hand to my face, I watched it tremble in place, my only external giveaway of my internal anxiety.
“Is it cold outside?”
I blinked. “Bit chilly, but nothing major.”
I glanced over to my left. The mare had raised her head, turned to gaze at me, and examined my hand. Out of reflex, I put my hand on the counter, using my left hand to cover my shaking right.
“Are you nervous then?”
“Uh...”
“I see.” The mare looked back over the counter. “You a lightweight by chance?”
“Uh...”
“Relax,” she said. “Telling the truth won't make you lose any points with me.”
With a gulp, I nodded.
“Yo, barkeep!” the mare yelled over the counter, catching the attention of another, distant mare. She was dressed in a red vest, the shirt underneath blacker than the night sky. “Two mixed caramels! You know the kind. Sweeter than it should ever be allowed to be!”
“How much does it cost?”
She glanced back over at me, her thick mane flicking over her butterscotch eyes. “First drink of the night should always be free for a stallion.” She then giggled into her hoof. “And the same should carry over to humans, too!”
“Well, thank you for that, I guess.” I closed my eyes and took a few more breaths, trying to repress the beating of my heart. “Guess you can tell I'm kinda new at this? Like... all of this?”
“Everypony gets jitters the first time,” she replied from beyond the veil of my eyes, “especially if you come alone. Kinda hard to get inside a party if all the doors are closed, am I right?”
She had a nice attitude about her. For a second, I almost forgot I was talking to a mare, and because of that, I was able to open my eyes to see her face again. She had a tight muzzle, a coat mint green, and though my eyes wandered only for a second, I caught sight of the lyre on her ass... I-I mean flanks.
“Definitely got a point there.” I held out my hand like an idiot. The fuck was this, a business exchange? “Name's Anon. And I forgot your name?”
“Lyra.”
She held her hoof to my hand, and for a second, the exchange threw us both for a loop. How the fuck was a hand supposed to, well, shake hands with a hoof? Fuck it. I pushed my palm against the flat surface of her hoof, letting my fingers clamp down around it, slowly shaking it up and down.
“Lyra Heartstrings.”
Lyra, for her credit, didn't mention how awkward I was being. All she did was tilt her head, close her eyes, and give me a big smile. She shook my hand back in return, the fur of her hoof brushing against my skin.
A second later, a thud resounded from the counter. We let go of each other, seeing the bartender place our drinks on coasters, only for the mare to give us only a silently nod before fucking off. It was nice, I guess, to not drink alone.
“What brought you to the bar anyway?” I shook my head and looked back at Lyra. She was levitating her drink in the air, her eyes set on me, like she was waiting for something to happen. My mind short-circuited from the social cue. “Cheers, by the way.”
When my mind rebooted, it did so with an answer that forced my hand into action. At once, using my shaking hand, I raised my glass, clinking my drink against her own. We brought rim our drinks to our lips, sipping down the alcoholic sweetness.
“C-Cheers,” I managed to say amidst the pleasant burning in my throat. I then remembered her question. “As for why I'm here? Not... really important, I guess.” I shook my head, took another sip of my drink, then glanced at Lyra. “We've wasted enough time on me though. You bought me a drink. It's only fair we focus on you for a bit.”
She clenched her right eye and looked back at her drink. “Hoped we weren't going to go there, to be honest with you.”
“Huh? What's up?” Fuck. Was I coming on too strong? If this mare left, then I would be alone and without a guide. But at the same time, she seemed troubled with something, and that, for whatever reason, troubled me as well. “I mean, fuck, we've only known each other for a minute. I won't force anything out of you.”
She glanced an eye back at me.
“But you seemed hella depressed when I came over,” I went on saying. “And you don't have to open up if you don't want to.” I then lifted my glass, taking another sip. “But I still owe you for the drink and all that, right?”
“Which would only make my answer all the more cheap.”
“What do you mean by that?” I was stepping into something that I should have stayed away from. Hell, I should have stayed away from social shit all together. But at that moment, despite the loud noises and the chattering of voices, I suddenly didn't care so much about my fear. “I mean, fuck, we've only just met, but you seem like a nice girl.”
“And it's nice of you to say that.”
Well, that was a three-sixty in behavior than what I was expecting. It was like she had a small burst of hope before plummeting back into despair. Everything in my mind told me to get the fuck out of dodge, but to be honest, I'd much rather be here with her then out on the floor with them.
Fucking normies.
“You... still wanna know the reason why I'm here?”
“Hmm?” Lyra roused herself from her drink, looking over at me with tired eyes. “I do, actually.”
“Well, to be honest with you... I kinda came to get my dick wet.” What. The. Fuck! I planned on coming out with that info to make her feel better about herself, but really, 'get my dick wet'? What the fuck was wrong with me? Why was I like this? “Never been close enough with a girl to make it that far. The fact I'm having a conversation with you is blowing my mind as we speak.”
Lyra Heartstrings stared at me for a second. Was she thinking about splashing her drink in my face and making a run for it? Her eyes glossed over and glinted from the light, in a way that was fragile but beautiful, and for a second, I worried she was about to cry.
If she did, I was, without a doubt, fucked—and not in the way I was hoping.
And she did cry, too. Lyra cried with laughter at whatever expression I had on my face. She pointed a hoof at me, the other pointed at her muzzle, doing her best to repress her jitters. I was glad to have pulled her from her funk... even it meant telling her that I was junk.
“You're very cute,” Lyra said. “Do you know that?”
“Unfortunately, I do.” I let my cheek fall into my waiting palm, sighing while I did so. “Every mare I meet calls me cute! Do you know how much that sucks?” I shortly dawned a quarter of the drink, feeling it soothe my nerves and slow my heartbeat. “Put on a vest, slick my hair back, all to be called cute.”
I shook my head. “Would it kill a mare to call me handsome for once?”
“But you're not the handsome type.”
I let my forehead fall against the wood of the counter, trying desperately to become one with it. “Don't you know words can kill a guy's ego?” I sighed into the wood, feeling the warm breath rise into my eyes. “You mares are the reason I should stay inside.”
“Now don't you go off saying stuff like that.” I felt a hoof rub against my back. “I didn't mean it like an insult. Actually, it's a compliment you should be proud of!” Her voice raised in excitement. “So raise your head, Anon!”
I did so. I raised my head, looking down at her with a tired smirk. “So, how are you going to explain yourself out of this one?”
Lyra rolled her eyes. “I won't be doing much of that, trust me.” She glanced over at a drink. “And just because a girl thinks you're cute doesn't mean the game's over. There's still a chance for you, lover boy!”
“Oh yeah?” I raised the glass to my lips, drinking. “And how do you reckon that?”
“Because there's a playfulness to your personality. It's... slightly awkward in a way, but you play it off well.” She giggled to herself as she levitated her own drink. “It's not often that I get to say this, but being yourself is your best bet of being laid.” She downed the drink and under four gulps, leaving me impressed. “Ahhh! Yeah, so like, just relax, be yourself, and have some fun!”
I glanced around the bar for a mare to catch my eye. There were more than a few, but either they were talking with someone else, or they were too busy dancing to the music. It was like they had this invisible wall separating us, and I was too much of a pussy to bring an invisible sledgehammer.
“How goes the search?”
“Do you have to phrase it like that?”
“Alright, I'll be softer with my words, virgin.”
She purred that last word; I glared at her for it.
“Got a few,” I replied. I was watching a snow-white mare dancing on the floor, enjoying how her blond mane flicked left and right, forward and back, a golden shine to her strands. “But they don't seem very approachable. My heart's pounding at the thought of even saying hello.”
“Don't do that.”
“Don't do what?”
“Don't be scared for longer than you have to be.” Lyra wasn't looking at me as she spoke, as if it had suddenly become harder for her to do so. She knocked a hoof against the table, ordering us another round. “There's so much of life you'll miss if you don't take a risk. Rejection... from a stranger doesn't hurt as much as you think it does.”
“Still pretty scary.”
“Still pretty scary.”
I sighed. Our second set of drinks came a few moments later. Lyra went to pay, but I held up a hand. I pulled some bits out from my wallet, letting them clatter on the counter. The bartender smiled and nodded as she took them and her tip.
“You don't talk to girls often, then?”
“Pretty much,” I said. “I've gotta deal with Twilight Sparkle from time to time. She's my cash flow for the moment. We have meetings and stuff.” I lifted my drink, noticing how the glass did not shake, and that my hand was without a tremble. “Only time I talked to mares is when life demands it of me. Besides that, this is my first night of... putting myself out there.”
“And will you put yourself out there?”
I watched the white mare dance some more. She was so pretty and so happy, and even though it made me feel like a creep, I enjoyed watching her from afar. But I knew she was too normal. That I'd look like a freak if I just walked up. No sense in taking a chance when I already knew it was going to be a bust.
“Probably not, to be honest with you.” I sipped on my drink, letting my eyes drift closed for a second, enjoy the taste of sweet and burning caramel. My anxiety had faded, and for the moment, I was just glad to be out and about. “I came out here to try my luck at getting laid. Makes me feel cheap, but fuck it.”
I took another sip before putting the drink down. “And... I really enjoy talking to you. No matter what happens tonight, at least I still have this interaction as an accomplishment.”
“I... don't believe it.”
I glanced over at her. “What's up?”
“I just... wasn't expecting to find someone as pathetic as me tonight.”
“Aw, c'mon!” I let my hands fall against the counter with a thud. “What did I say about the words?”
Lyra giggled. “Hey, do you still wanna know why I'm here?”
“Are you trying to escape punishment for insulting me?”
Another laugh from her, and I felt slightly better about myself. “Is that a yes or no, Anon?”
I looked forward. “Tell me your story, horse girl.”
Lyra Heartstrings didn't say anything at first. She sat, silently, like she was searching for the proper words to say. I felt her stool squeak as she sat up straight. When I finally did glance over, she was staring straight ahead, running a hoof along the rim of her drink. “I got... rejected today. Rather, a pretty bad break-up.”
“I'm... sorry to hear that.” I also looked forward. Was I supposed to say something more than that? Was this the part where I laid a hand on her shoulder and gave her support? Fuck. I went for another sip of my drink. Why was I such a coward? “Were you two together long?”
Lyra sniffled. “No. We... we're only dating for six months. He was a nice stallion.” I heard her sigh heavier than any time before. “Treated him like... differently than how most mares treated stallions. He seemed fond of it at first.”
Now that was a first. The way how genders worked here was kinda whack—whack to me, at least. The mares tended to care for the stallions, and the stallions were a bit more girly than the guys back at home. I didn't mind it much: Twilight covered all my needs and wants.
But here was a mare that treated a stallion like an equal. Because of my laziness, I wasn't sure how I felt about a relationship where both parties worked equally, but I respected her for it nonetheless.
“That was, until a couple of mares showed him something better.” Lyra took another swig of her drink, gulping for a few seconds longer than what was normal. Afterward, she stopped for a second to catch her breath. “All the perks of a relationship with none of the work. That's what he said to me last week.” She smiled. “At least I have the house to myself now, right?”
“That's... really fucking sucky to hear,” I said, and this time, I didn't go for another sip. My words and my feelings came on their own. “I was I had something better to say, Lyra. But really, fuck that shit.” I sighed. “Fuck that shit so hard.”
“Your support means a lot.” Lyra held up her glass again. “Drink with me again?”
I raised my glass. “Anytime.”
I kept my promise to Lyra.
We'd drink at every opportunity. She played shows and I jacked off at home. My weirdness didn't bother her at all—in fact, she said my eccentricity was what kept me interesting and unique. I wasn't sure how much of that was true, and how much of that was bullshit, but it didn't really matter all that much.
There was one issue between us. I mean, ever since I met her, I gave slightly less of a shit about getting laid. But there was no denying I was attracted to Lyra. She was hot as far as mares went. She had a nice body, not skinny but not fat, the perfect amount of weight on her plump ass.
And she'd give me a show, sometimes. Her hips would sway more than they usually would, and when my eyes were drawn, she would giggle and flick her tail, much to my embarrassment and to her amusement.
But sexual tension wasn't the issue.
It's what I would need to be to be with her.
The great thing about this world was that I was cared for. Like a proper NEET, I could leave my room when I pleased, get anything when I wanted it, and overall, my only problem in life was dealing with guilt and boredom. This world saw that the mares took care of the stallions.
But Lyra didn't see it that way.
“I don't think a stallion should be loved until he's earned that love,” Lyra said to me, both of us on the opposite ends of a booth, eating and drinking, talking deeply. “The same thing goes with mares, too. If we give love like that freely, then it starts to feel ingenuine, you know?” She shook her head, crossing her forelegs over the fluff of her chest. “It's love, all right, but it's not deep love... true love even.”
I was inclined to agree, but to do so was to mock the kind of life I lived, so I kept silent instead. Lyra had a lot of thoughts akin to mine, though hers were deeper and she said them better. I was just a fool when I talked—my tongue making me a constant idiot.
One night it happened. We were drunk, we had kissed, and some feelings were said. In this strange world of normal ponies, we were two outsiders, and that itself made us normal to each other. We wanted more of each other.
“But you wouldn't be able to give up your way of life,” Lyra said as she pushed me back. “And I couldn't expect you to change for that. S-Sorry, Anon, but it's best that—“
I never let that memory finish. It pained me too much to hear her say it. So here I was again, once more at my computer, looking at porn that could never suck me off. It didn't help that I couldn't suck myself off, either—would have to get abs or some ribs removed or some shit like that.
And then, happening ever so suddenly, I realized something.
“The fuck am I doing with my life?” I said to myself. I rose from my chair, unhooked the computer, and very lightly, slammed it against a wall. Then, lifting my desk, I picked it up only to throw it down, my heart delighted when it broke in two. “Fuck this shit, man.”
With my purpose set, I spun around, heading for the door.
“I'm gonna get laid.”
I was drunk again.
I enjoyed being drunk. I wasn't the kind of drunk where I was too far gone in my drunkenness to take stock in whatever the fuck was going on. I was the passive drunk—the kind that was glad to be, well, anywhere in a 'feel good' state.
I was at a door. It wasn't my door, of course, but if I was lucky, then soon enough, it would be my door. I lost my old door to Twilight Sparkle. And if this shit didn't work out the way I was hoping, well, I'd be fuckin' homeless instead of a NEET.
“Yo, Lyra!” I slammed my fists against the wooden door, and for a moment, I was worried one of my knocks would have broken through to the other side. “You home! You wanna drink? You wanna open the door?”
The lights came on from inside. “A-Anon? That you? What the fuck are you doing?!”
“It's cold!” I said. “Let the homeless in.”
“What are you going on about!” I heard hoofsteps coming closer to the door, and each time they got louder, my heart pumped harder. “Are you with someone? I'm not letting strangers into my home, Anon.”
“No stranger but me!”
“But you said there was someone homeless.”
“Yeah, heh, me!” I laughed some more at my own foolishness—which tended to be the best laughter of all. “Lost my home tonight. Give this cold soul some warmth?”
“What the fuck are you going on about?” Lyra hadn’t sworn much until she met me. I explained to her what cursing was, and though she was against it at first, when there came a time to swore, she attested to the release of anger those words could do. “Step back, I'm opening the door.”
She then opened the door.
I opened my arms. “I'm homeless, Lyra!”
“So I heard, Anon.” Lyra walked up to my hip, glaring up at me from there. “So why are you homeless, Anon?”
“Because I told Twilight Sparkle to fuck off.” I blinked for a second, placing a finger against my lips. “Well, not exactly like that. I stopped by the castle to give her the keys to my place. Told her I wanted to pave my own way at life and all that other shit.”
Lyra shook her head. “Oh Anon, you didn't.”
I threw my fists into the air. “I'm the best!”
Lyra took me in after that.
Made some tea for us to drink. Gave me the couch for the night to think over my life choices. The next day, she went off to work, and I lazed about the couch, thinking over my life choices. The way I saw it, staying at home was just going to make me more guilty, and since I was too much of a coward to talk to other mares, Lyra was the one I wanted to be with.
“You're going to regret it, Anon.” Lyra had come back from work late into the evening. Wordessly, she came and curled on my stomach, letting my hands brush through her mane. “Most of the guys I've been with want to be in a herd. One girl just isn't enough for them.”
“And I'm not like most horses!” I laughed at myself for a second, earning the glare I got from her afterward. “Man, you don't know how long I've been waiting to use that one!” I laughed some more at my own idiocy.
“Anon, be serious!”
“What is there to be serious about?” I replied as I looked down at her. “You want a guy that's willing to give his share in a relationship. You're the kind of girl that's worth that. Besides, I'm getting bored doing jack shit.”
“There should be more of a reason than that.”
“Well, I don't have more of a reason yet.” I let my body lean back further into the couch, exhaling while I did so. “I enjoy our talks. I enjoy you. And yes, I'm cheap at the moment.” I shook my head. “Right now, it's my goal in life to get laid. But that ain't my only goal.”
Lyra looked away, like she was about to get off me. I stopped her, though, bringing my hand to her cheek, drawing her muzzle towards me again. It wasn't a move I'd be able to do a month ago—it was because of this mare that I was able to grow some balls.
Tiny balls, but balls nonetheless.
“I may not have many reasons to say I love you for, Lyra,” I said with a sigh, but keeping my eyes locked to her own. “But I'm hella excited to find the rest. Even if it means finding a job, going out more, and having to do... fuckin' work.” The word still made me shudder. “But all that work is worth it, so long as I can be with you.”
Lyra gazed at me long and hard. “Are you just trying to get laid, mister?”
“Yes and no,” I replied. “But I'm willing to wait until you know the answer for sure. So how about it?” I let go of her muzzle, and she sat straight. “You willing to put up with a deadbeat for a week or two?”
Lyra didn't say anything, but she did do something with her lips. They came at me at once, her tiny hooves pressing against my chest, while her lips meshed against my own. It was a kiss longer than the last, one where neither of us was trying to pull away, but rather, both pushing together into the other.
She then promptly turned around, hit me across the cheek with her tail, then hopped down from the couch. She walked across the floor, only stopping when she came around the couch. Glancing over her shoulder at me, she said, “Aren't you coming?”
I arched an eyebrow. “Where?”
“To get laid,” Lyra replied. “Now come on and fuck me already.”
I got off the couch. I followed the girl, this mare that was going to change me, to strip me finally of my V-card. There was still the slight shame of losing it to a mare, but hey, pussy was pussy, am I right? And as I followed Lyra into the bedroom, only one thought came out through my lips.
“See ya later, virgins.”
Author's Note
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