The Best Troller In ALL Of Equestria

"What? Really? How?"

The library seemed the same except for all of the dust, and the absence of ponies. There's really no need in describing Celestia's and Twilight's general arrival, as all they really do is wander through the undecorated halls of an old, and withered castle not even really speaking to one another until they got outside. The whole castle was incomplete, and abandoned for what seemed like hundreds of years. During the middle of the day, Celestia came down the steps, and looked around at the green hills that would've been the commons of her fair city.

"This is... rather different," she said to Twilight.

"Yes, it is. Where'd Canterlot go? Better yet, why isn't the castle in use, like, at all?"

Celestia's gaze finally fell upon a far off sight, shining in the distance. "Because... this isn't Canterlot. Look..."

Twilight did so, and saw this world's primary capital. Los Cantos looked wondrous from where they stood. However, Celestia had to remind herself as well as Twilight, "It's not safe here. Remember what I've told you about this place, Twilight. Keep your eyes-"

"Celestia?"

"Yes?"

Twilight pointed with a hoof, and said, "I think I just saw myself inside of a purple... Errr..."

Celestia peered at a winding road made out of concrete, and saw what Twilight was talking about. "That would be a car," Celestia pointed out. "I've only ever seen such a thing in one other place. This isn't that world, however. There's probably all sorts of things found here that we don't know about. Stay on your guard."

That's when Twiliht suggested, "We should follow myself!"

Celestia rolled her eyes, and said, "I don't think that's being careful, Twilight. We don't know what we're like in this world. What if they want to hurt us?"

That's when somepony else came driving up in a much bigger vehicle, and came hopping out. It was somepony the two had never met before, and he introduced himself rather provocatively while leaning against whatever it was that he had arrived in. "The name's Trevor. I don't usually get these specific texts on my phone, telling' me where the hell to go, and who to introduce to this hellhole..." He waved the piece of technology in front of them. He was tattooed, and although he had some hair, it was still missing in weird places which made him look even more out of the ordinary.

Twilight asked her mentor, "What's that in his hoof? And what's he driving? Is that the same thing as a car?"

As a response, Celestia just raised her hoof to Twilight's mouth to silence her momentarily. "Twilight, that's a truck. He's holding a communications device, and I don't think you want to interrupt him when he's talking right now."

Twilight looked away from Celestia, and back at Trevor, who was snarling in a way that even scared Celestia, which was quite a feat to pull off. Twilight jumped back, and Trevor just used his greasy shirt to wipe his dirty nose with. He then spat at the ground before continuing with what he was saying.

"I understand... that you two are new. Well, I'm just here to teach you the basics."

From out of his armpit hidden just out of sight thanks to a strap on his back, Trevor revealed something to the two of them, and said, "This... is a gun." He held it in his hoof. "It's used for both protection, and murder. Usually, those two things happen at the same time. That's just a tip from me to you. Get a gun."

Celestia nodded, and asked, "How do you know who we are?"

Trevor shrugged rudely with widened eyes. "Fuckin' shit, lady. I don't know you. It's just the way this works! I'll get a text message whenever somepony new comes into this shitty world, but there hasn't been anypony that's come into this world since..." He rubbed his chin, and said, "Come to think of it, I don't think anybody's ever crossed over from another universe. I've been waiting for a good, long time."

Twilight asked, "Who gave you this assignment?"

"Celestia did, because there wouldn't be any reproducing anymore. Sure, there's still sex, but shit. Baby making went out the window when that day happened!" He put away his firearm, and continued, "If there was anypony new, they'd need to know the rules. Our Princess is nothing if not considerate of the uneducated. Just think of this as a... tutorial. M'kay?"

Celestia nodded to that as best she could, and asked, "So, it's a spell linked with your phone? I'll have to give that a try in my world, actually."

Trevor laughed, and said, "What the fuck ever. I don't really give two shits what you do with your time. I can tell you this, though. It won't work!"

"Why?" Celestia asked.

"Because, it's actually a reproduction tracker. It lets me know when some pony's born into this world. The age they are when they enter doesn't matter. My phone's gonna be fucked the day the real Celestia dies! Anyways, look, I'm just here to tell you that life's about to get harder, and interesting for the two of you. So..." He breathed in deeply, and said, "Rule number one, the law is your own."

Twilight and Celestia just stared at Trevor expecting more. Twilight was the one to finally break the silence, and ask, "Could you elaborate?"

Trevor just breathed, holding in his temper. He then stated rather loudly, "FINE! There will always be ponies who try, and some days they're successful at enforcing the law even though the law is a blurry thing these days. Kill, rob, steal, do what you want. It's a life of ultimate freedom, but just know, others can make your lives a living hell at the same time."

"What's rule number two," Twilight asked curiously.

"Money in Los Cantos... is king. If you have enough cash, then you can get pretty much anything. Cars, trucks, bikes, planes, helicopters, jets, bikes that can fly, you name it! However, it all costs cash which you don't have yet. Lots of ways to make money, though, as I'm sure you'll soon find out. Rule number three is simple. You can never really die. The only real way anypony in this world is gonna die, and not come back a few fucking feet away is if Celestia herself dies. That's the only way to break the spell she's put on Equestria. Lots of ponies have tried, but most of them fail miserably."

Celestia's ears perked at that. "This world's Celestia did this?"

Trevor, who was frowning, nodded. "Yes, she did. It broke everypony."

"And if someone kills her, or if she somehow dies... That's how the spell is broken? Then, anypony that dies after that stays dead, and everypony would be able to reproduce like normal, but all of this would have lasting side effects... Actually, some might see it as armageddon."

Trevor said, "I couldn't have put it better myself. Last rule is... just don't fuck with Celestia. That's contradictory to what I just said, but hey, she's the one that's gonna enforce that on you if you try to retaliate." He looked Celestia up and down, and commented, "Although, a worshipper like yourself will probably not be doing that, huh?"

Celestia cocked her eyebrow. "Don't be so sure of that, but if we find what we're looking for, I'm not going to worry about chasing her down afterwards."

Trevor spat again, and said, "Fine by me, but if you even try... you won't have any legs... or a horn... or wings... or a tongue... or a brain... or your eyes, or your ears." He got back in his truck, and said to the two of them from out of the window, "Last tip. Don't let me catch you outside of this incident. I'll open both of you up faster than you can bat an eye."

He then did a brief spin out, and took off, leaving Celestia and Twilight to contemplate his words. Twilight just looked down, knowing that she wasn't controlling herself too well. She waited for Celestia to speak instead, and when she did, Twilight would start to tremble. "I understand this is refreshing for you, to be here with me, but you must settle down. Los Cantos is too dangerous, and risky. We could be caught in a never ending struggle, just in order for us to get that notebook. Or worse."

Twilight nodded, and said, "I'm sorry, your highness. I'm just... really excited to be here with you."

Celestia blinked, and looked at Twilight deeply. "What do you mean, excited? What if you get killed, or hurt? What if I die? Are you prepared to see that?"

Twilight looked at Trevor in his truck disappearing over a hill, and said, "It won't hurt, though..."

Celestia became animated. "It won't?"

"No! It won't!" She walked forth, her horn glowing lightly. She even seemed to float to Celestia. "I think I understand the way this world works. You wanted to protect life at one point, but you were misguided in a different way. So, what did you do? You gave it a mixed blessing. Watch..." Celestia couldn't control herself once she was Twilight use some of her magic to cut her forehoof. It wasn't a deep wound, but it was still enough to make her mentor step forward, and hold onto her. Twilight didn't seem to feel anything, though. "Yeah, see?" she asked.

"You're alright?"

Twilight explained, "It's like... I know how much life energy I actually have left, but I don't really feel it. It's... amazing! Although, it still doesn't particularly feel too good."

Celestia nodded, and said, "Still, it was good of you to test it out. At least now we know there's nothing for us to really worry about. I'm sure the sensation of dying isn't too grand even if it's painless, however. If we can, I'd like to avoid that." She held her hoof to her chin for a moment, and said, "Hmm... That Trevor character... I swear, I knew him at one point."

Twilight then asked, "So, should we follow myself? Or, should we just stay here, talking about it?"

Needless to say, they didn't stay there talking about it, and instead, Celestia actually agreed to Twilight's plan. After all, they had no other leads at the time, and nothing better to do.

Celestia and Twilight Tracked her down by following the most recent road she traveled upon. They hoofed it, and when they finally found that familiar, purple car that she was driving around in earlier parked in the middle of the road, the two of them continued to look around in order to locate the other Twilight, but without success. Just up the road, there was an old looking observatory that she might've gone to, so Celestia suggested, "Let's try over there."

Twilight nodded, and followed while replying, "Sure, sounds good."

They came up to a fairly tall standing hedge, and peered around the corner to observe what was going on. Just before the entrance of the structure itself were a bunch of finely dressed ponies. They were all standing around a really nice looking, blue car with the license plate saying, "P0n3d". All of them were stallions, except for just one other that was coming out of the building. She seemed to be the head of operations. Twilight speculated briefly with Celestia that perhaps they should just introduce themselves, and the mentor agreed considering they didn't have anything to lose, and they had to start somewhere.

"Excuse us," Twilight called out. "We need some help."

"Yes," Celestia chimed in. "Have you seen a pony that looks a lot like her? We need answers, and-"

"Hey!" The mare that stood before the princess and her student chewed her gum vigorously, and continued to interrupt Celestia. "First off, you fake! I don't like ponies that pretend to be Celestia. Second, like, you're BOTH naked. Who goes around without at least a pair of underpants on these days?"

"Yeah," one of the stallions rallied. "You two are just looking for trouble, aren't you?"

"I say we just ring em'," another one said while coming closer to them, and pulling out his shotgun. He didn't last too long, however, because from behind, strings of bullets entered each and every one of them except for Celestia and Twilight. They seemed to be the only ones that were spared, and it happened so quickly, and silently, too, that the two of them couldn't be sure where the shots had even come from.

Hopeful Ray killed Sunshine Gum

Hopeful Ray killed Bully Bruit

Hopeful Ray killed Optimal Performance

Hopeful Ray killed Shortcake Hate

Hopeful Ray killed That Guy

That's when this world's Twilight came out from a pair of thick bushes while holding a bullpup rifle with her magic. She stared at herself, and came up to Celestia to say, "Thanks for being my distraction. Good work, but, uh... you... Who are you?"

She was pointing at herself, so despite them being thoroughly intimidated, and frozen in place, Celestia said, "You just... that is, s-she's you from another universe. You're Twilight, right?"

She shook her head, and backed up to say, "Nope! You can call me Ray. Most everypony does."

With a hoof, she waved her hair at Twilight in a way that seemed disrespectful. Ray was dressed for business, but something about her was off. She had redder streaks going through her mane, and rather than what Twilight's flank looked like, her cutie mark was of a volatile comet. Celestia then realized, "Oh... Twilight! This must be your ancestor."

Twilight looked from Celestia to Ray, and then back to Celestia to ask, "What? Really? How?"

Celestia said, "She never withered away, you see. The spell was cast, and you were never born... This world's Celestia keeps sounding more and more powerful by the minute."

Ray nodded while turning, and headed for the car. "She is, and if you're from another universe, then things in Los Cantos must be getting hairy. Look, I've got to import this baby, but you seem promising. Steal a car, and follow me without getting sidetracked, and maybe I'll think about helping the two of you out."

As she spun off at a fair speed, Celestia and Twilight got the message, and turned to see cars start spawning in. One by one, parking space after parking space was filled with cars for them to choose from. Naturally, they grabbed the nearest one, and they took off as quickly as they could. Celestia was rather quick to learn how to drive, and was surprised at how spacious the vehicle really was. She and Twilight talked about the possibilities of how cars were able to randomly spawn in as well, but with no factual basis, they could only guess at what could be causing that to happen.

They followed Ray into the richer end of the world, where extravagant houses were built along winding roads. On their way there, they saw a few ponies in quarrels, and one such citizen getting shot right in the head. Them minding their own business made it easier for Celestia and Twilight to traverse the neighborhood. Celestia, however, felt less and less like spending time here. They pulled up to the house that Ray was parked at, and came through the front gate only to see somepony else with her. Ray looked from Celestia to Twilight, and said, "This is Michael. He's got something that I've been needing for... quite a while now."

Twilight asked, "What might that be?"

Michael took the liberty of answering that question. "Actually, to be fair, we'd rather not discuss the contents of Twilight's brief case. How about... I give you two each five hundred big ones just to ignore it?"

He pulled out a hunk of cash, and used his magic to unfold it, straighten it out, and count it. He then handed Twilight and Celestia their money.

Twilight just dropped it to the street, and allowed it to blow away. Celestia then did the same exact thing. Ray and Michael just stared at them with widening eyes. That's when Celestia said, "Give me the briefcase, or else."

Michael's jaw dropped, and Ray raised her gun. However, Celestia in all her might literally broke all gun within a mile radius. Sparks went off all around Ray's white aura, and her weapon fell to the floor. Michael had to grab his side arm out of his coat pocket. Needless to say, they then did as Celestia asked, both shaking in terror. It was just as Celestia has suspected. Inside of the brief case was Starswirl's notebook. Twilight asked her mentor, "How did you know?"

Celestia looked at Michael, and said, "I remember you being the pony to deliver this to me... Huh... Funny how that still happened."

Michael just snarled at her, but that's all he could really do at the time. They left through the gate, and regrouped outside where they could be away from Ray and her cohort. Celestia looked at Twilight, and said, "Rethinking this whole thing, I've come to a conclusion that all of this... is too dangerous."

Twilight nodded, and commented, "I understand."

"Not only that, but my Twilight doesn't need a test to determine if she's ready to be an alicorn. You're already capable of such a thing in my opinion. When we get back home, I'll be sure to turn you into a princess myself."

Celestia tossed the notebook to the ground, and began burning it with her magic. As it went up in smoke, Ray came out, and gasped. So did Michael.

Celestia and Twilight began using their magic to teleport back to their world. However, as fate would have it, Michael wasn't going to allow the two of them the pleasure of getting away. Not without some sort of repercussion. He yelled over to the fading duo, "Hey! Mother fuckers! I don't think so!"

He pulled out a molotov cocktail , and proceeded to throw it right at Twilight. It immediately caught her on fire while they were still teleporting themselves out of there, and Twilight began screaming, and flailing rapidly to try and put herself out. Everything went dark, and all Celestia could think of was what she was going to do about this. Twilight wasn't going to die, but her burns would surely be enough to devastate her for life. The only other choice now was to bring her back to Los Cantos, and that was an impossibility because that world was now pure.

One thing was for sure. Celestia would have no choice but to consult Trollestia. Perhaps, even, for the last time. Something like this, she just couldn't let go of. The joke had gone too far, and everything was breaking all around her. Celestia now knew what she had to do.