Author's Note

Chapter. Yay! I enjoyed this one. It was fun. Super personal too. So, yeah. Enjoy!

Entry Three: Reverse Eclipse

Those months after losing Angel Heart were undoubtedly the worst of my life. At first, of course there was denial. I went through the motions as if it were any other day. I craved that interaction, that attention and dependence. To care for another person so intimately is intoxicating. It really is the ultimate high. And it’s one you can’t replicate, no matter how you try.

Then, I got overwhelmed. I had this abundance of unconditional love and nowhere to give it. It’s something I struggle with even now. Once you experience that kind of love you can never really get rid of it. You can only channel it into other things. I tried to put into writing, and was somewhat successful with that. I also channeled it into my relationships, but somehow it wasn’t quite right. Things were askew now, and unable to be normal again.

The anger at what had happened was swift and surprisingly harsh. I couldn’t (and still can’t) blame her for what happened. I didn’t want to blame her. So I lashed out at Ash, because I didn’t want to accept that it was really over. I blamed him. I said it was his fault. And to a degree it was. But it was mine too, for provoking him. At least, that’s what I thought.

Throughout all of it, there was a depression underlying everything. It was always just beneath the surface. I dreaded times when I was alone with my thoughts the most because I was afraid of getting sucked in by my own grief. But if you avoid the depression, it will still come up to haunt you. I was working one day, and suddenly all the pain, sadness, anger, disappointment, and grief hit me like a speeding pegasus. I was so close to breaking down in tears, but I kept it together as long as I needed to.

The first and most difficult step of getting on the road to recovery was to accept that she was gone permanently. Different people handle it in different ways. For me, I didn’t talk to anyone about what was going on. It was my way of staying in denial. When I finally did talk about it, it was a sort of cathartic relief. It was a real weight off of my shoulders.

The last (official) step I took was writing her a goodbye letter. I needed to have my own form of closure after this, so that I could move on with my life and not be trapped by my grief. I process my feelings by writing them out, but it can be different for everyone. Some people draw, or sing, or act, or even cook. You just have to find your own way. I told her that I will always be here for her if she needs me as a mom or just a friend. I told her that I needed to write that letter not just for her but for me too. I had to find my own way to move on, and that was it.

Every day was still a struggle. I’ve heard that time is a great healer, and I believe that that’s true. But I still have bad days, where I feel the ache of her absence and long for what might have been. There’s a saying that if you love your children, you let them free. I believe that saying is true. It isn’t easy, and it isn’t fun, but it’s important to know when to let go. Even though I wish so many things were different, and that I had gotten one day with her, I knew it was time to let her go. No one can fill her place in my heart, and I don’t want them to. She was my first child, and for that I’ll always love her, but I knew that if I really loved her, I would set her free, even if it hurt, because it was what was best for her, and for me.

And then one day, the endless night lifted. I had gone out to the library one day, looking for information for the book I have been writing and I stumbled across something I found interesting. In the newspaper I was reading, I came across an article on adult foals. It explained what they were, adult ponies who liked acting like infants. The article was on how they came to be the way that they were, and although there was no one clear-cut cause, I was hooked. I knew instantaneously that this could help me heal. This would help me and help other ponies too, but I wasn’t sure where to start.

I read in the article that some Adult Foals have a parent who helps them become who they are, and that was the role I wanted to fill. And then, the article mentioned a nursery. And that’s when I knew. That was what I was going to create. An adult foal nursery. I put the paper back and I rushed over to the furniture store, and bought some supplies. A crib, a changing table, a rocking chair, a toy box, some childproof gates, and a playpen. I would have it delivered within the next twenty four hours. Then, I went to a custom clothing shop, and ordered some onesies, sleepers, dresses, and dress up clothes, all in adult sizes. Lastly, I made a trip to the pharmacy. I bought several sizes of diapers, all in different patterns, pull ups, training pants, and several foalish accessories, like pacifiers, bottles, sippy cups, and toys.

I caught my purchases in my magic, and carried them back home. Then, I got started on the rearranging. The room next to the one I had designed as Angel Heart’s nursery had originally been a guest room. But one shrinking spell later the bed and other furniture was easily removed and stored someplace else. I would have put all of it in Angel Heart’s nursery, but that place… that place was hers, and hers alone. That was my place to be with her. I would have to do a lot of rearranging tomorrow, but for now, I put the supplies in the room.

That night, my dreams were not haunted with regret. Instead, they were full of pride.

That morning, the furniture came. I assembled it all on my own. A little magic never went amiss in situations like these. Soon everything was assembled, it was all in the right places, and I used a bit of magic to enlarge everything to adult sizes. The furniture, the diapers, and the clothes. It came out perfectly. I decorated the nursery with pictures of animals, some cars, and set out stuffed animals and toys. Then, I put up a playpen and some childproof gates.

Satisfied, I observed my handiwork. It was perfect. I was ready for business.