Author's Note

Patch notes:
- A lot of readers have expressed dissatisfaction with this chapter, and it is set for a rewrite soon.
- Altered a scene with light "forced-bi" themes after publishing to be about something else. This will hopefully make readers less uncomfortable.

He Does WHAT?

You are the pankest of poes still, and you are absolutely walking on sunshine. Sorta. The sunshine is touching the ground and you’re walking on that so ya know. But anyways, Anon promised to let you suck his dick someday, so you’re happy with that. You’re gonna give him the wettest, warmest, most bestest best-friend blowjob ever! Gonna slurp dat cum down like warm cup of—

WAIT.

You freeze midstep. You didn’t finish your coffee that Anon made especially for you. You ALWAYS finish that. A quick pinkie dash and you were back at Anon’s house.

“HiyahNon,” you said, flying in the door. “Just gotta finish your yummy coffee cream and…”

He wasn’t in the kitchen anymore. Oh… darn. You secretly wanted to say hi again. Oh well. You zip over to the table and down your drink. Yep, still needs more sugar. Just as you turned to leave again, something caught your ear and you stopped. That sounded like a moan, you thought. Like not a hurty moan but like one of those good moans. It came again, and you turned toward the staircase by the foyer.

“Anon?” you said, slowly inching your way up the stairs. “Did you find someone to help you?” You frowned. “I’m-I’m not mad, I promise. If you want me to leave, that’s okay. I just want to help too.”

He didn’t answer. Anon didn’t have as good hearing as ponies, or a good sense of smell. He didn’t really know when you got wet or when anypony needed some help, but you did. You could smell the musk of a hard cock a mile away. And Anon was… whoa nellie. You don’t think you’ve ever smelled it this strong. Odd thing was, you couldn’t smell a mare.

You paused midstep. What if Anon was into stallions? Nah, you’ve caught him staring at your butt too much. And Twilight’s butt. And Rarity’s butt. And Cheerilee’s butt.

He really liked butts.

You kept going, the sounds of pleasure getting louder and louder, until eventually you came to his bedroom door. Maybe Anon just needed a little bit of privacy and realized sex was no big deal, you thought. But at the back of your mind, you started to get scared.

‘Well… you just take care of it on your own I guess,’ he’d said.

A sickening feeling settled in your gut. Please no please no please no… You slowly pushed the door with your snout. It didn’t creak, didn’t make a sound. All you could hear was Anon, sucking a breath in through his clenched teeth as a sliver opened up between the door and its frame. Your breath caught as he came.

--

“So, who’s cum is this again, Twilight?”

Starlight poked her head up from underneath the map table, looking up between your legs. You could feel a bit of cum drip out of your marehood and onto the throne. Starlight cringed. She, as everyone had found out by now, really had an issue with swallowing. Normally that wasn't such a big deal. Most stallions weren't particularly concerned where their seed ended up after the fact. Usually they let the mare choose, but Starlight had on more than one occasion made a bit of a scene and there had been some hurt feelings with Sunburst. So, she asked you for help. While her oral skills with marehoods were wonderful, and you were glad to have her in the castle because of it, as her friendship teacher it was important she learned to eat cum too. It would help her friendships with stallions a lot if she could learn to enjoy it. But Starlight was a long way from guzzling cum, that's for sure. You made a list of baby steps to get her used to the idea, and getting used to the taste was today’s lesson.

“Thunderlane,” you replied, stroking her mane to calm her down. “He’s quite the virile stallion. There’s a lot, but I know you’ll do well.”

Starlight shivered.

“Come on, Starlight. It’s not that bad. It’s in me so at least you’re still tasting a mare. And what if Sunburst needs relief? Don’t you want to be a good friend to him?”

She opened her mouth to speak but hesitated. “I… I do want to be a good friend to him. Okay, I’ll try.”

Starlight shut her eyes, stuck her tongue out, and slowly leaned forward. You lay back and sighed as Starlight’s tongue trailed up your slit, dragging a glob of cum along the way until she reached the top. She pulled back, cum on her tongue and looked up at you with a worried, questioning expression.

“Okay good. Don’t swallow just yet,” you said, leaning over and looking at your list. “I had time to refer to Tsun Tzu’s Art of Whore beforehand, so if you follow my instructions, we’ll have optimal results in no time.”

Starlight rolled her eyes.

“So first, you need to get used to the taste and texture. Move it around in your mouth. Gargle and blow some bubbles. Anything you can think of to play around and get used to it.”

Starlight sighed, but obeyed, taking the cum into her mouth and opening so you could make sure she hadn’t cheated. The mare dutifully played with the cum, swishing it back and forth with her tongue, letting it drip down before slurping it up again. Granted she shuddered at that but Starlight was doing well. After rolling it along her tongue a few more times, she opened her mouth and looked at you pleadingly. You made her wait for just a few seconds, then nodded and let her swallow.

“See? Was that so bad?”

“It,” she started, “It was different, I guess. Not bad. I could taste you too so it was kinda nice.”

You gently lay a hoof on her head. “You want to keep going? I won’t force you if you want to stop here for today.”

Glimmer looked at your nethers, grimacing as another thick glob rolled out of you. “No, I want to do this. I want to be able to show Sunburst.”

“Alright,” you said, leaning back and spreading your hind legs. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Starlight took a few deep breaths, focusing on your marehood with a serious look before diving back in. This time she pushed her tongue into your sex. The thick spunk enveloped her tongue and she let out a whine.

“Shhh,” you said, petting her mane. “You’re alright.”

“Ish sho gooby,” she said, but continued to massage your walls with her tongue. “Why duh Funderwane aft to cum sho musch.”

“Just focus on me, Star. You’ve done this a million times. You’re just eating out a mare.”

Starlight looked up to you, inner eyebrows turned up, then nodded and returned to pleasuring you. No point in focusing on the bad, after all. This would be an important friendship lesson for Starlight moving forward. Learning to drink a stallion’s cum was part of being a good friend.

As time went on, you began to relax, and a tingly sensation started to form in your core. Starlights technique had started to take its toll on you and she’d collected, played with, and swallowed most of the cum in the shallow parts of your vagina. There was still a ton deeper in you, but if you came, you’d be too sensitive to take any more tonguing for a while. You tapped Starlight’s shoulder, signaling for her to stop. Unfortunately, she took that as ‘I’m about to cum, please go for the finish’ and sped up.

You yelped, feeling her expert tongue thrash across your mound. “Aah! No, Star. Not so faaah—!”

Your mind suddenly went blank as she lashed across your clit, battering away at it with her tongue. It took all of your concentration to not cum, but try as you might, you couldn’t help but buck as your inner muscles clamped down, forcing a blast of cum straight into starlight’s open mouth, as well as heaping portion across her face and mane. Starlight’s eyes shot wide and she jerked back. She coughed and gagged, globs of cum ejecting from her mouth and onto the floor.

“Twiiii!” she said, her voice muffled from cum but sounding clearly panicked all the same. Starlight sniffed, ears back and trembling. “Too mush. Helph.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Come here, you don’t have to swallow.”

You moved in quickly, taking her face in your hooves and connecting her mouth with yours. Your tongue darted out, scooping as much cum as you could with each swipe. Starlight’s eyes drifted shut and she relaxed, letting you take the cum from her. There indeed was a lot, and it took you quite a few cycles of sucking and swallowing to get it where her mouth was merely creamy and not filled to the brim. As you sucked the last bit of cum and pulled away, she let out a long breath.

“Thanks, Twilight. S-Sorry…”

You gulped down the last of the jizz quickly. It made you sad not to savor it, but there would be a chance for that some other day.

“No, it’s not your fault, Star. You weren’t ready for that much. I understand.”

With a flash of magic, the rest of the cum in your groin was gone, teleported into a wastebasket in a different room. You pulled Starlight into a hug, running a hoof in circles across her back. She pushed her muzzle into your shoulder.

“Hey, you did great today.”

“...thanks, Twilight.”

--

After Starlight had calmed down some more, and you had time to lick the cum from her mane, you navigated to one of the castle dens and claimed a spot on some cushions. The aforementioned mare had grabbed a juice box to clear the taste from her mouth and lay with her head on your flank, slurping away with a content expression. Looking back, you never would’ve guessed you'd be here—in a massive castle, living as an alicorn princess—teaching mares to eat cum. But as you watched Starlight and remembered how well she did today, you felt a swell of pride. Some day she’d be taking a load like a champ, and you’d be right there with her. For now though, it was time to relax. Well, half relax. There was paperwork to do, documents to go over.

Most of it went by without a hiccup, though there was one interesting document. A few mares sent a petition to add some virility potions to the water supply. Specifically they wanted greater cum production in males. You quirked a brow at that. Stallions already came often, and in quite large quantities really. Any more and mares wouldn’t be able to hold it all… Probably would get really messy. Could be interesting, you thought, and penciled in a meeting with Zecora and Mayor Mare. As soon as your magic left the quill, a bright, tingly feeling flowed through your cutie marks.

Starlight lifted her head up and stared down at your flank. The two of you exchanged a look, then with a quick flare of magic, teleported into the cutie map room. The map was alive and glowing, shimmering currents of magic flowing across its surface. Eventually the currents circled ponyville and started to form the cutie marks. First came yours, forming clearly above the town. Then a trio of diamonds, followed by a set of balloons came together and hovered near the town hall.

You tilted your head. “Huh… That’s the first time I’ve seen three for a problem.”

“Is it serious?”

You glanced back at the map. It did need three of you…

“Well, we won’t know until we find it,” you said, shaking your head. “Last time it sent more than two, it was for your village.”

Starlight winced and looked down. “Well at least it’s not as bad as me.”

“Hey, come on,” you said, tilting her chin up. “Everypony made it through alright in the end. We’ll make it through this time too. I’m sure it’s nothing to get upset about.”

“TWIIIIILIIIIIGHT!”

”Pinkie?” you said, turning to the mare as she sprinted into the room, tears in her eyes. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“It’s Anon! He’s—H-He’s…” she said, barely able to speak through her fit.

“What? Pinkie, what are you talking about? What happened with Anon?”

”He’s… He’s... !”

“Trapped in the Everfree? Stuck in a well? Kidnapped by an ancient evil!?”

“He’s a masturbatoooooooor!” Pinkie collapsed, letting out a wail that echoed through the room.

You, in contrast, stood frozen in place. Anon, one of the sweetest stallions in town, was a masturbator? Oh Celestia… You looked over to the cutie map.

“Well… at least we know what the friendship problem is.”

--

When Starlight came to your house and asked you to meet the girls at the castle, you expected a party. Not a big one, mind you. Just some get together to see Pinkie and her mission partner off. It was the sort of thing she would do, especially if it was a long trip. This, was not a party.

You sat in the cutie map room, facing the girls who all looked varying shades of disappointed, angry, or sad. They’d given you a little chair to join their table, though since their stonework thrones didn’t move, that meant your seat had been scrunched between Dash and Pinkie Pie. The former of which looked rather pissed while Pinkie refused to look you in the eye. It reminded you of being called to the principal's office in a strange way, like you’d just burned down a classroom or two and your parents and the school committee didn’t know where to start with you exactly. Which was an odd comparison the more you thought about it, despite it feeling entirely accurate. For one, it’d been years since you were in school, and secondly, you’d only burned down a small area behind the bins that one time. And these were colorful little ponies, not your disappointed parents.

But it felt like that.

“Uh… so…” you started and gave a nod to the activated map. “I take it I’m not helping on the friendship problem?” None of them spoke. The only sound in the room was the shimmering of the cutie map. It felt like you could cut the tension in the room with a knife, and like all times when you felt awkward, you started to ramble like an idiot.

“I mean I don’t have a cutie mark so I thought surely the map didn’t call me with a question mark, right? So...” You cleared your throat. “Aren’t three of you supposed to be looking for a friendship problem or something?”

Dash, who had been quietly brooding to your left, suddenly shot into the air. “You ARE the friendship problem, dingus!”

“Dash, please! This isn’t supposed to be confrontational,” Twilight said.

“Come on, Twilight! Can you believe him? All of us wanted a shot at that but it was always ‘just did it’ or ‘I’m a big dumb busy human. I don’t have time right now.’ What a bunch of crap!”

“Dash,” Twilight said, making a placating gesture with her hooves. “I know you’re angry but we’re here to work through this together, okay?”

“I’m with Dash on this one,” Applejack said, scowling. “T’aint right. We’ve always been there for Anon and he done gone lied to everyone. I can’t believe it. You and Applebloom were so cute together… Dammit, Anon, I was gonna have you take care of Applebloom when Mac and I went to visit our Aunt and Uncle Orange, but now I don’t know if I can trust you around her. She’s well into her teen years and needs a guiding hoof from a male outside the family.”

You jerked in your seat. “Whoa, what? AJ, I wouldn’t do anything to Applebloom.”

Applejack snorted. “See? Unbelievable.”

“...what?”

Twilight cleared her throat and let out a nervous laugh. “Anonymous, what I think everyone is trying to say is that we care about you. You’ve done so much for us, and we’re worried.”

“That’s right, Darling,” Rarity said, giving you a meaningful look. “We’re here to help you move past this.”

You blinked. None of this was making any sense. What were they talking about? Did you do something weird? Everything was fine an hour ago when you talked to Pinkie. Your gaze drifted over to her. She sat curled into a ball, facing away from you with her chin on the armrest.

Twilight glanced over to Pinkie then tapped her hooves together. “Pinkie? Do you have anything to say to Anon?” Pinkie didn’t move to look at you, instead curling her tail around her legs. You thought you heard a sniffle. “Okay, maybe later. Fluttershy, would you like to say something to Anon?”

Fluttershy jolted in her seat, clearly not expecting to be called on. She turned to look at you with one eye behind her mane, looking for all the world like you’d reached out and struck her across the face. “Um, y-you shouldn’t do that thing. Please,” she said, rocking in her seat and glancing at the table periodically. “It’s not very nice. I know talking to ponies is sometimes a bit scary but everypony needs a helping hoof now and again. If you want, you don’t even have to talk. I'll just bend over.”

... just bend over? Wait a minute. You gave Twilight a look. “Twi… what is this about?”

She gave you a gentle smile. “We just want you to know that there’s a way to get help. Everypony here is rooting for your recovery and we’ll help you get there.”

Your recovery? Wait a minute. The strange looks, the weird atmosphere, the anger and supportive one liners… This wasn’t like the principal's office. This was...

“Oh my God…” You put your head in your hands

“It’s okay, Anon. We just found out and it hit us hard too, but we can help you through this. We’re prepared to—”

“This is an intervention?!” you said, getting to your feet and leaning over the table. “What for? There has to be some mistake.”

“N-Now, Anon, I know this all feels confrontational,” Twilight said, putting a hoof up. “But this is all coming from a place of love. There’s no need to try and hide it.”

“Hide WHAT? I don’t do drugs. And your liquor is too weak for me to be an alcoholic.”

“No, that’s not it! Please just wait a second.” Twi took out some note cards, flipping through them with her magic. “The anger and controlled venting part comes after the outpouring of love and support. We need to go back a step.”

“No, listen to me. None of this makes sense. Why did you decide to give me an intervention? I haven’t done any—”

“For Celestia’s sake, Anon.” Dash said, throwing her hooves in the air. “You wax the kielbasa, beat around the bush, dishonorable discharge, fondle the fig, squeeze the cream, white water wristing, the M word!”

“... what the fuck are you talking about, Rainbow?”

“We know you masturbate!” she yelled.

Someone gasped and the room fell silent. Only the shimmering of the map could be heard as Rainbow panted, hovering in the air for a time before shakily sinking back to her seat.

“A-Anon I… I just...” Dash started, then sighed. “I thought we were friends.”

You stood stock still, taking in the scene around you. Everypony looked horrified at Rainbow’s outburst though none of them said anything. Not one of them looked you in the eye. All the anger had evaporated, and the only thing left felt like… embarrassment. Embarrassment directed towards you.

“I masturbate? That’s what this is about?” you asked. The girls nodded. “I don’t understand. Why is that an issue?”

Dash ruffled her wings. “Are you kidding me? It’s like we’re not good enough for you,” she said, her voice sounding shaky. “I mean, sure, it’s c-crazy right. All those times I really wanted to do it with you, a-and I thought I just had bad timing. You know, just some other mare had got to you first, b-but…” She turned, glaring at you. “You just didn’t want to do it with me at all!”

Moisture had begun welling up in her eyes. A small tear rolled down her cheek, and it dripped down onto her chest. Dash looked down, as if startled by it, then brought a hoof to her face and wiped her cheek. She moved her hoof in front of her face, stared at the moisture, then gritted her teeth.

“S-Screw this,” she said, then bolted out of the room.

“No, Dash, wait! You don’t understand. It’s not…!” you said, reaching after her.

But she was already gone. You sat there, a cold feeling spreading through you.

“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t…”

“It hurts, Anon.”

You spun to face Pinkie, who up till now hadn’t said a word. At some point her poofy mane had sunk, deflating into a straight, duller version. Her bright blue eyes didn’t betray any emotion. She didn’t look up at you, didn’t move a muscle. Pinkie Pie just sat there, quietly. And it was one of the eeriest things you’ve ever seen. All that life—all that bouncy, uncontainable energy—it was all gone. She stared lifelessly at the map, face a blank slate. It was like she wasn’t even Pinkie Pie anymore. You don’t know how long you stared at her for.

The rest of the girls seemed as unsettled and captivated as you, but eventually she spoke again. “I’d like to be alone, if that’s okay with everyone,” she said flatly, and hopped off her chair. She trudged out of the room, following after Dash.

The room fell quiet once again. You sat back in your chair, mind reeling. How did this happen? How did they even find out anyways? Try to retrace your steps. It had to be just this morning, when you talked with Pinkie and she ran off. You’d hinted at it and she’d gotten concerned, but you brushed it off as a culture difference. She must have gotten worried and came back. That’s when she saw or heard you masturbate earlier.

You never really thought anything of it until now. It was the only way you could focus since you were always being treated to voyeur porn, but still, how did you not see this coming? If a pony offered to have sex with you, and you chose to masturbate instead, of course they’d feel hurt. It was like saying you’d rather just use your hand. Pinkie wasn’t even angry like Dash or Applejack. She didn’t try to lecture you. She knew your world was different. Pinkie tried so hard to understand. At some level surely she knew it was a human thing. But the act still spoke volumes. The act still hurt.

Not once did you try to understand her world, or how she’d feel about this. She’s… all shut down like that because of you. You were too selfish to get over your aversions… She offered to help you all the time. She just wanted to make you feel better. What is wrong with you? And what do you do now…?

“Dear, is everything alright?” Rarity said.

You blinked, thoughts suddenly jolted back to the present. Right, the intervention. “Yeah I just… was thinking, I guess. I’m sorry I didn’t realize sooner. Masturbation here is… it’s different. I didn’t know.”

The four remaining girls exchanged looks. Rarity shifted in her seat. “Is it not taboo in your world, dear?”

“It’s still sorta taboo, just not to the same degree. People know about it, and we accept that it’s happening, but we don’t talk about it.”

“Oh my… well that sounds rather different. But if it’s part of your culture, I suppose we could make some sort of arrangement with Celestia perhaps?” Rarity gave Twilight a questioning glance.

Before Twilight could answer, you spoke up. “No, it isn’t right. Everyone’s tried to be courteous and understanding to me, but I haven’t extended the same courtesy to you guys. I’m the one that needs to change. We have a saying back home; When in Rome, do as the romans do. Things are really different in my world, yes, but I’m in Equestria now. I need to at least try and adapt, especially if I’m hurting my friends. I never intended to do that to any of you. I’m sorry.”

The scowl AJ had been wearing up till now melted away. “Well I’ll be. He means it, Twi. He’s well and truly sorry.”

You nodded. “I’m probably not ready to just have sex with whoever but yeah, I’m willing to try if you guys are willing to help. It’s just a big adjustment for me so it will take some time.”

Twilight bounced in her seat, clapping her hooves together. “Yay, intervention successful. Now to the rehabilitation. Rarity?”

“Thank you, dear,” Rarity said with a nod. “Anon, we discussed earlier that Twilight, Pinkie, and I would spearhead your rehabilitation since the map chose us. We’ll be there, taking turns, and making sure you have support at all times, but the rest of the girls have expressed the desire to help, so they may be involved too. Now, as part of your rehab, we’ll be sleeping next to you to reduce temptation, as well as give you a readily available outlet at night. But if we think you’re having trouble or if you start to relapse, we’ll have to use magic. Twilight has taken the time to learn Charity’s Restrictor spells which will stop you from touching your penis, but we’d rather not have to go to those lengths.”

You laughed. God, it was like being under house arrest. “You going to watch me go to the bathroom too?”

Rarity waved a hoof at you. “Of course not, dear”

“Hah, good.”

“We’ll just take your cock out and check that you can get an erection after.”

You paused for a good few seconds, mind coming to grips with what you just heard. And from such a ladylike mare of all people too. “Well good. And here I was worried about privacy,” you said with a roll of your eyes.

“Oh, pish posh, it’s nothing any of us haven’t seen before. Now then,” Rarity said, getting up from her seat and stretching. “If you’re ready, we can get started. The sooner the better, I always say.” The rest of the girls followed her example and got up from their chairs. “Come along, dear. We have lots to do today,” Rarity said, trotting past you and pulling your hand with her magic.

“Whoa hey, where are we going?”

“Why, outside of course. First things first, you need to learn some proper manners.”

The rest of the girls waved and yelled their ‘good lucks’ as Rarity pulled you into town. Well, today was going to be interesting, you thought. But if you could help Pinkie, you’d do whatever it takes.