The Human Pet

Still floating high up in the skies on their balloon, Crimson Star, Super Star, Zecora and Power Point were sat in the basket, huddling over a map of their destination, a fishing town named Seahorse. "The plan is very simple. This is a small town, they're all relaxed, security's minimal at best. My sister and I go to the bank, and force them to move the vault outside at blade-point. Zecora and Power Point, you will bring the balloon down so we can tie a rope around the vault. Zecora will spritz the vault with her load-lightening potion. We drag the vault up into the sky. Boom. We've officially pulled off the most audacious bank robbery since Buck Cassidy and the Saddle-Dance Kid."

His sister raised her hoof for attention. "Didn't they die, though?"

"... yyyyeeees, but we've got an advantage."

"Which is?"

Crimson flashed a winning grin. "Me! Number one bat!" He waggled his eyebrows arrogantly.

Soup facehoofed. "This promotion has gone straight to your head, you know that?"

"Come on now." He chided playfully. "Ace of the Battle of the Caverns. Gave Nightmare Moon the shaft aaaand told Discord to muzzle it. If I was any cooler, I'd be carrying popsicles!" He bounced around the basket a little, his wings flaring as if he was cheerleading himself in his head.

"Us three are no professionals, Crimson Star." interrupted Zecora. "How do you propose we escape without a scar? What if the pegasi take flight, or a unicorn displays his might?"

Crimson slipped his wingblades on. "I'd like to see pegasi who dare to come near these. And we've got a unicorn."

At this, Power Point whimpered and tried to hide behind her clipboard.

"Well, sort of. Besides, you're forgetting that it's not the crime that matters. We have to draw the attention of EvilCorp. Our attack on the bank is unauthorised by the criminal element. They'll want us more than the law enforcement. We get our hooves in the door to EvilCorp, we find out where Princess Luna and the others are being held, we rescue them, and make sure our coats are nice and shiny for tomorrow's front page." Crimson grinned.

"That easy, huh?" Super Star flopped to the floor of the basket. "Oh Luna... I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose, drinking fresh mango juice... goldfish shoals nibbling at my hooves."

"Relax, sis. It'll be fun."

EXACTLY 49 AND A HALF MINUTES LATER

"Fun, you said! FUN!" screamed Super Star, desperately throwing ballast off board to keep the balloon from sinking towards the earth from the weight of the vault. "There's a SQUADRON of policepones coming for us!"

"Where?!" Crimson roared back. He was trying to lift up the vault, lighten the weight of it more. Zecora's potion was very effective, but they had overestimated its ability, or rather how much cash these Seahorse ponies had stuck in the stupid box.

"In the sun!"

"What?!"

"LOOK IN THE SUN! SUN! SUN!"

Crimson turned to look. He could just barely make out the tiny black dots in the sun's powerful glare. "Oh, crumbs."

"Shall I use magic to shoot my spreadsheets at them!?" Power Point called from above. Crimson couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not, but yelled at her to go for it anyway. Suddenly, a plume of vast thick purple smoke emerged from the basket.

Zecora's head peered down at Crimson with vicious pride. "I'd like to see a pony of law, who could make his way through my big fat smog." She tittered. And quite rightly too, as the cloud she had generated (by mixing various strange herbs into the balloon's gas heater) completely enveloped them, so that nopony could hope to find anything in it. They were safe... at least temporarily.

A worn-out Crimson abandoned his attempts to lift the vault and flew back inside the balloon. Despite their best efforts it continued to descend, albeit slowly. "So, brother... have you considered what we're going to do with all this stolen money until either the good guys or the bad guys catch up with us?" Super Star asked, still annoyed.

"I always wanted steel horseshoes." shrugged Crimson absent-mindedly. "What about you, Zecora?"

The zebra thought for a little, and then smiled. "Living in the woods is good for me, but how wondrous a sewer system for the hut would be!"

Power Point frowned. "We can't spend this money... can we?"

"No, we can't." said Super Star flatly.

"Weeeell..." Crimson drawled, wrapping a hoof around his sister's shoulders to annoy her, "... I am a government operative with Princess Luna's authority to override authority. And you've all been deputized by me. As long as it aids in our mission..." Crimson winked at Soup. "Steel horseshoes would be so nice..." The albino batmare whacked him on the head. "Okay, OKAY! I'm kidding! No, of course we can't use the money. Unless my information is incorrect, we're about to be taken into custody by EvilCorp aaaaany minute now."

"Crimson, you're a sergeant on a rescue mission, not a bucking super-spy." The albino batmare grumbled.

"I know, I know... There's only room for one Super bat." Crimson trapped Soup in a headlock and noogied her head, ignoring all protests until she snapped at his hoof.

The vault finally dragged the balloon down into the middle of a lake, and slowly sank to the bottom. The bucket rest gently against the surface of the lake, anchored by the sinking box. "At least it's not bubbling." said Crimson awkwardly. "The money will probably be safe... I hope."

"Are you sure those EvilCorp ponies are going to find us?" Super Star demanded.

"... unless they were in the bathroom at the time?"

The entire group groaned out loud. Having nowhere else to go, they chose to remain in the basket as dusk fell. Zecora put together a fishing rod and began to hum quietly to herself. Power Point was composing a 10-page essay about how she was kidnapped against her will, just in case the police ponies found them first. Soup and Crimson sat with their backs against the wall of the bucket, staring at nothing in particular.

"So..." Soup began slowly. "Lighthouse, huh?"

"What?"

"Well, back at home, she and you, errr... seemed awful close."

Crimson coughed nervously. "No! She's, well, she's my junior officer. That's about it."

"Crimson, she totally jumped your bones. I'm not dumb."

"Emphasis on she jumped!" He insisted. "I had very little to do with it."

"And then that nurse pony, she's kinda cute." She continued, relishing deeply in his annoyance. "The sort of daytimer who cooes at everything. You put on your armor, she cooes. You make a sandwich, she cooes. Probably cooes when you trip over yourself." Soup began to imitate Redheart in a high-pitched voice. "Oh gosh, Crimson! What a cutesy-wutesy bat you are! Show me what big fangs you've got!"

Crimson rolled his eyes. "Are you done?"

"Of course not! If I have to be stuck in the middle of nowhere waiting to be arrested by criminals... so that we can find even bigger criminals... you can be sure I'm driving you batty first!"

"... You used to date a crystal pony, Soup!" Crimson snapped back, ready to give as much as take. "A pony made of rock! How does that even work? A little prayer each night? 'Dear Luna, please don't let him shank me with his ears again when we sleep'?

"If the two of you are done moaning, come join me! Our company is growing." Zecora called out.

The bats stood up. On the edge of the lake, several pegasi in shabby clothes waved at them. "Do you fellas need help??" An orange stallion shouted.

"What do you think, sir? Friend or foe?" asked Power Point, her pen floating next to her head, ready to add new details to her essay.

"That's EvilCorp for sure." said Crimson, narrowing his eyes. "They've come to confront us for being on their territory. Let's act tough and mean to win their respect."

"... in the name of Celestia, you are all under arrest for thievery, obstruction of justice... and littering the lake with a bank vault." The orange stallion proudly declared as he hoofcuffed them all. "I am Flash Sentry, and I will be your arresting officer this evening. Corporal- oh I'm sorry, Sergeant Star, it gives me enormous pleasure to tell you that you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Fancy meeting you out here, Star! I happened to be on holiday and saw you clinging onto a flying bank vault. I thought for sure you were there to make the arrest of a lifetime." He gave Crimson a friendly pat on the back.

"Oh, shut up, Sentry."

Super Star deliberately fluttered her eyelashes at the orange stallion. "Finally, a guard who knows what he's doing."

"Ma'am." Flash Sentry saluted. "Just doin' my duty, ma'am."

Crimson groaned at the sky. "I hate everything."