The Human Pet

"Well, this is just dandy, isn't it?" grumbled Crimson as the cell door clicked shut. "Arrested by Flash 'oh, look how erect my mane gets!' Sentry. Meanwhile, we're beyond EvilCorp's reach and no closer to rescuing Princess Luna. Not to mention what a bureaucratic nightmare this will be for the government."

Power Point whimpered as if in pain. "And I'm stuck here! I'm missing out on all the best paperwork!"

Zecora crashed onto a bed, defeated as well. "I even forgot to feed my cat. And left the milk on the welcome mat."

It was thus up to Super Star to restore the team's morale. "Pull yourselves together now! Can't you see we're closer to our goal than ever before?"

"How do you mean?" asked Crimson.

"Don't you see that if we put our brains together and break out of prison, EvilCorp will see us as a far more significant target?! Then we can rescue our friends, get Power Point to her paperwork, blackmail Luna to make blood-drinking legal again and Zecora... your cat's probably lapping up that milk you forgot."

"I'm sure I misheard one of those." Crimson playfully winked.

"I'm sure you did." Soup winked back. "Now then, let's get the heck outta here!"

12 HOURS LATER

"Stupid high-tensile bars..." The batmare growled, chewing angrily at the metal. It still did not yield, but at least it made for a decent tooth sharpener.

"You know..." a voice from a different cell spoke up. "You could just ask for help. I mean, I know we're here for a reason but it seems there's a slight sort of 'stopping the end of the world' situation going on here, and it just happens that we are ever-so-slightly invested."

Crimson Star's eyes widened as he realised who spoke. "Diamond Tiara?! What in the name of Luna's cobalt pimples are you doing here?! You're supposed to be back in Ponyville!"

The pink filly snickered. "Well, I was on my way back, but then suddenly I somehow fell in love with this colt who works at a coffee shop."

"That makes sense." Crimson nodded knowingly. "When she was disguised as Applejack, Chrysalis put a spell on you so you'd go away and find someone with as horrible of a personality as you. And because coffee is a revolting foul drink from Tirek's armpits, you chose a barista."

"Exactly! But then the spell wore off and I actually started to smell the coffee. I blew the whole place up. And now I'm here!"

Crimson blinked. "That's a bit mad. Won't your parents be upset?"

"Rich ponies aren't mad, silly! We're just... eccentric! So, are we breaking out of here or not?"

The team exchanged concerned glances. Zecora spoke up. "I'm glad you all want to leave, but we seem to lack an explosive."

Diamond held up an authoritative hoof. "Say no more!" From her diamond tiara, she plucked a pearl. "Fulminated mercury, detonates on impact!" She grinned winsomely. "Always be ready for shenanigans, a motto that will get you far in life! Or at least farther than your enemies!"

"This one scares me." whispered Soup to Power Point, the latter nodding rapidly.

Flash Sentry leaned into his chair in satisfaction when he saw the lunch that had been prepared for him and his colleagues. "Donuts! The police pone's dream!" He exclaimed. "And we'll need every one of them for what's going to happen next."

His young new colleague - a pink pegasus mare named Blue Rose - widened her eyes. "Gosh, Sentry! What do you mean?!" she squeaked in a high-pitched voice. Blue Rose kept her mane short, causing her ears to stick out and giving her a disarming, mousy appearance.

"I mean it doesn't take a deductive genius to figure out that the richest thestral in Canterlot doesn't go around robbing banks. Our shaggy friend is trying to send a message. Question is - to whom, and why?"

Blue Rose scratched the back of her head, wearing a cute expression of bafflement. "Maybe we could ask him?"

Flash Sentry smiled good-naturedly. "Okay, but don't tell me."

"Sir?"

"I like surprises!" Sentry couldn't help teasing the inexperienced Rose. The truth was that despite their natural rivalry, Sentry knew Crimson didn't have a criminal bone in his body. Therefore, he had to be lying for a good cause and it was only a matter of time until said cause revealed itself. But watching Blue Rose try to navigate this puzzle was just too darned fun.

As she trotted down to the containment level of the police station, Blue Rose internally condemned her annoying boss to the seven levels of Tartarus. Then she condemned herself to an even deeper pit for being too shy to tell him to buck off.

Despite her politeness and angelic voice, the truth was that Blue Rose despised pretty much everything that existed outside the confines of her house. Especially her promising career in law enforcement.

No, one couldn't just beat the stuffing out of bad ponies. There had to be paperwork, protocol training, memorising the whole lawbook (what the buck were lawyers for?? ). She had to go save kittens from trees, she had to go polish the armor sets. And on a really good day like today, she had to interrogate one of those mangy copper-breath thestrals about why he'd flown off with the town's treasury.

As she approached the jail cells, Rose promised herself that she'd quit her job at the end of the shift. There had been a fair amount of excitement with the bank theft, so it was only her third promise today. Normally, it came up to about six or seven per shift. Nine if she was on traffic duty.

Without warning, the jail door exploded into her face, crushing her underneath it. Desperate to flee, a whole herd of prisoners stampeded over the poor mare.

Blue Rose smiled faintly before losing consciousness. She was definitely winning sick leave.

"Damn fine coffee... and hot!" praised Flash Sentry, shortly before a massive earthquake rumbled through the police station, landing the cup of joe on his ears. The scream that followed would have put Equus Presley fanmares to shame.

Crimson Star and his friends (and Diamond Tiara) rushed upstairs, taking advantage of the chaos to fight their way past confused cops. Soup and Zecora snagged a few batons, while Crimson reclaimed his razor-sharp wingblades. Everyone gave them a wide berth, not being used to such direct combat. It was, after all, a quiet fishing village. Emphasis on 'was'. The team formed a defensive circle with their backs to each other, and made their way through the mass of ponies towards the exit.

"Sergeant, I thought you should know that per my calculations, we owe the government upwards to a mil in property damages!" Power Point shouted.

"If we're not found soon by the villains' troupe, in a court of law we'll have no hope!" Zecora added with a wry smile, taking pride in her ability to think of rhymes even at the most desperate of times.

The only pony standing between them and the way out was Sentry (now with an amusing red tinted head). Crimson raised his wingblades. Sentry was obviously a guest of the police, but ironically enough he was the only one equipped for a proper one-on-one duel with another royal guard. Not that Crimson really wanted to fight him. Well, no, that was a lie, he absolutely did. But they were still technically supposed to be on the same side. Alas, this situation led to no alternative, but him proving his thestral superiority once and for all. There was just no getting around it. Needs must when Tirek drives! He made a mental note to pay Sentry's hospital bill.

Unexpectedly, however, the orange pegasus stepped aside with a wry smile. "I don't know what you're after, bat, but I look forward to rescuing you."

Crimson growled fiercely. There was absolutely no call to be this rudely decent! Now he'd been practically forced into saying something offensive about Sentry's mother to re-balance the scales. Before he could do that, however, Soup diplomatically stepped between the two, rushing her brother out. "You can compare wingblade sizes later! We're on a mission!"

"Get after them!" Flash barked at the police pones as the group disappeared into the streets. "I want them observed 24/7!"

The cops were confused, but obeyed. A commissioner walked up to Flash Sentry, patting his uniform free of dust. "Sir, what in the name of all the princesses and their mothers is going on?!"

"That was Crimson Star! He's Luna's favourite colt. You really think he robbed a bank in the most bone-headed way possible and then broke out of a police station - on the same day! - in equally moronic fashion just for fun?" He paused. "Actually, wait, it is Crystal Star's son, right? Horseapples." His voice regained confidence. "Well, I'm 80% positive that he's trying to get attention from somepony! And if we keep him in sight, we'll confirm that suspicion. Or get enough evidence to lock him up for life. Either way works for me."

A dazed Blue Rose stumbled to the doorway with a goofy smile on her face. "Sir, I want to tender my resig-"

"Ah, Blue Rose, just the mare I'm looking for!" Flash declared cheerfully. "I need you to document this entire incident in triplicate! One for the station, one for us and one for Canterlot. Half the town's wrecked, so I imagine we're looking at a few hundred court cases coming up tomorrow. You'd better interview every cop on the case."

"But sir... you sent every cop on the case." Blue began to wonder if murdering Flash Sentry wouldn't be a quicker solution to her problems. At least in jail they'd give her a quiet job and feed her. She decided to look at the menus at Canterlot Prison later. Maybe she could set them up with a good chef beforehoof.

Fortunately, the Sun shined on her. The police pones returned in haste to report that Crimson Star and his group had been kidnapped before their very eyes by shockingly fast thestrals, seemingly against their will. They had been quite literally snatched away and carried to the horizon of the sea.

"We've got them!" Flash beamed.

Blue Rose frowned, completely lost. "We do?"

"Why, of course! They were kidnapped by thestrals, but against their will. Feral mountain thestrals don't come out here, so that must mean the regular civilised kind. And Crimson Star is friends with everypony except supporters of his mother, because he's sided with Celestia. Therefore, it's Crystal who's responsible for the kidnapping. But ponies are heavy to carry with hooves alone. Which means the thestral base must be near by. Perhaps an island or an oil rig. We'll have to go out there ourselves. The police will report our findings to all who need to hear it... as soon as you're finished with that paperwork, that is. Now then! I'd better see if that coffee machine is intact. And you'd better put on some shoes and get busy on the typewriter!" Flash wandered off, whistling merrily. Blue Rose threw a mental tomahawk through his handsome head. Of course she gets burdened with the paperwork, of course she does...