Adventures in Multidimensional Dating

Hey there, fellow Multi! Thanks for stopping by to read my profile! Thanks also to the pony that showed up on my computer as I was doing some work on it. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be writing this right now! She told me to describe myself, so here I go. I'm DDj, and I'm a dubstep musician. My work is, as my roommate and best friend would say, "charitably popular, dear." I make ends meet, and have fun while doing so. Sometimes I sell my work to a label in Canterlot. Sometimes I play them at the raves that I either host or attend. Occasionally I can convince my friend to get that stick up out of her ass and do a collab. Her cello does wonders for my work, and it sells like fresh hay bacon at a diner - really quickly! I tried to dabble in writing at some point, but it's more of a hobby than a career. Really, writing is just the best form of communication. Music is something that gets you pumped up and ready for action, but simple conversations, whether written or spoken, is more soothing. It helps your soul out with your vibes, or whatever. Point is, I like talking. Not as much as, say, the baker in Sugarcube Corner, but I don't think anypony talks as much as Pinkie Pie does.

So I guess that's just about everything! Music, conversing, all that ~~jazz~~ dubstep. Here's hoping I've caught your attention! Either that, or... you caught mine.

I finished reading the first messenger's 'About Me!' section and turned to the pony following along as I read aloud. "I attracted the attention of someone from another world." I then looked up at the ever increasing number next to the 'Messages' button. It had risen from eight to forty-two, all in the span of an hour. Were humans that appealing to beings from other dimensions? Apparently, the answer was a resounding 'oh fuck the hell yes'. "And more than one world, too."

She beamed at me. See? I told 'ya you'd make new friend and find a partner! Maybe it's this one! Read the next section so we can find out together!

I scrolled down to the next section of this DDj's profile: 'Looking For'.

Wow. I guess you really are serious if you're reading this section. Well, good for us! It means you've got a head on your shoulders, and it isn't about to stop functioning.

But what do I want out of a partner that wasn't already emphasized in the previous section?

Let's get the obvious out of the way: I want someone who's into music. Not only dubstep, though that's a huge bonus if you are. I can get all sorts of inspiration from other genres. Another thing that goes hoof in hoof with this is somepony who likes to try new things. Somepony adventurous, who steps out of their comfort zone just because they can. I want somepony who cares enough about me or whatever it is that's going on in my life to be involved in it, even if it's only talking about it.

And the last thing I'm looking for? The reason why I like writing and typing so much is that it's because I can't talk. I'm a mute. It's a disability I've learned to cope with, though it's given me some trouble at times. It fucks me up to confess this on a fucking dating site, but it's as much of a part of me as my music. I'm looking for somepony with their own disability, or otherwise, somepony that can look past my inability to speak and see me for the pony I am.

Wow. This is some deep shit. Heh.

Yeah....

I looked up from the screen again. "This pony... is me. She sounds just like me." The pony avatar looked at me with concern in her eyes. "The resemblance is uncanny. I have got to read her messa-"

"Hey, Longcope." Cody slid into a seat across from me, breakfast tray in hand. "You still interested in being gay on a boat with me?"

I looked around my laptop at him. My last name was the only part of my name he could pronounce. "Not now, Cody. The Navy can take my ninety-four ASVAB score and shove it. Got important shit to do today. And besides, they'd never take me. You know I have Asperger's, and you know I'm fat and can't see for shit without my glasses, and yet you think I should - and can - join you anyways!" I pointed a finger at him. "Your. Recruiter. Is. Lying. To. You."

"Okay, okay! Geez, take it easy, Longcope."

"Sorry. It's just... I'm kinda busy trying to figure out how I'm gonna deal with Reaper now that his lifesteal's been buffed to shit, and it's getting to me. Overwatch makes me passionate, y'know?" Lies and I were peas in a pod. Sometimes my smiling mask slipped a little, as it had here, but for the most part, I was able to keep it superglued to my face. And boy had it helped me.

"Yeah. You and Jonnie have that in common. Anyways, see you later. I'm off to go cut some morning wood." Cody was in Carpentry, a reasonably well-attended trade at Harpers Ferry Job Corps. He had told me once that he'd joined Carpentry because when he first arrived on center, he saw how all the computer students looked like zombies, and he felt that he could be a zombie in the Navy more easily. Solid logic.

But logic wasn't what I was focusing on right now, for what I was focusing on was inherently illogical. This woman, this mare, had realistic flaws. She sounded like she was a very interesting character to roleplay with. And that's when it hit me: this wasn't a dating site: it was a roleplaying site! Designed to look like a dating site so it could bring in more traffic, invited by an invasive virus embedded in some spam email I forgot I'd opened. That had to be it. I might as well play along, but I've already established my "character" as a human. Self-inserts being frowned upon by the general community, I didn't expect to get this kind of response. Wait, am I still monologuing? Shit.

I looked around and found Cody looking over my shoulder. "Pony stuff, eh?"

I shrugged. "Sorta. I'm not really sure what's going on here, but I'm working with it. Looks kinda like a roleplaying site."

"Yeah, well, don't let that distract you. You and Connor had the highest ASVAB scores on center."

I scoffed. "He doesn't want to have anything to do with the military. And besides, we tied, but he got the better Mechanical score." I was still salty that I'd taken the test proctor's advice and Christmas tree'd my Mechanical Knowledge section on her promise that she'd throw away my test if I got above my previous score of eighty-eight. A week later I'd been handed my new score of ninety-four, and for the most part significantly better scores on the rest of my lineup. Apart from that last one. I had thought that I'd do worse, not better!

My freakout in class was understandable to any sane person, but everyone around me was baffled. 'You got a ninety-four? They're gonna be eating you up!' But they didn't understand how many jobs I'd want would require a good score in that one section, and how badly I'd screwed up my chances of getting those jobs.

Cody broke me out of my self-destructive thoughts. "That may be true, but you're the one that's actually applying himself. You're not lazy."

That was rich, coming from a guy who slept all day and made the bare minimum effort in everything he had to do. I gave him a look that clearly conveyed this, but he just laughed and walked away with his now empty tray.

I looked back at the virus, who had gone back to her usual cute animations now that only I was observing her. Read her message! You know you want to.

I sighed, exasperated. "Not right now, damn it. I need to get to class. I'll deal with all this," I gestured to the messages collecting on my main screen, "later." And with that, I closed the lid to my laptop and carried it out with me to class.

My corner of the classroom was largely unoccupied, so I had a modicum of privacy. At last, I could get on with my work. I could take as many tests as possible. I could ignore all that and write a silly fanfic about how much I think my life sucks and cover it up with porn later on.

I could be interrupted by Mrs. Ford, the crazy lady from Education, coming over to my desk. "Hey, you." She pointed at me. "I need you to come see me later, at around three."

I tilted my head, confused. "Why?"

Mrs. Ford waved off my question like it wasn't anything to take seriously. "Navy recruiter wants to talk to you."

"... Wut."

"You remember that now, and make sure you don't forget!" She fixed me a stern look. "I don't want no asshole student talkin' to this fella."

She walked off to talk with other students and my instructor, leaving me baffled. Shit, really?! Holy fuck! I might actually be able to get out of this shithole! It was then that I noticed the weird network thingy still plugged into my laptop, which the virus said would transport me to other worlds at the right moment. Perhaps that's what's keeping the virus stuck in my computer? I grasped it firmly and pulled! But it wouldn't budge.

My computer made a 'bloop!' that sounded like it was from that roleplaying site the virus downloaded on my computer. I lifted the lid on my laptop to discover the pony was frowning at me. This again? Seriously? Just read her message already!

I glared at the damned thing and shut down my laptop completely. I then grabbed the nearest pack of screwdrivers and took them and my laptop to the magnetic hard drive wiper. I hadn't tried everything in order to get rid of her and her fucking roleplaying community, and I would have no part in it. Especially when a new lease on life was headed my way!

Screwdrivers in hand, I turned the laptop over, exposing its belly. I couldn't help grinning, imagining the death of this annoyance. the pieces were in place, and all I had to do was unscrew my case and take out my hard drive. But to my indignant consternation, it wouldn't come out. I checked to make sure that I had the right measurement, and indeed I did. I went at it again, and again, no dice.

There came another notification sound. This time, when I opened the lid, she was livid. Her pupils had turned to comical daggers, and smoke was rising up around her. Fires burned at her hooves, and her teeth were clenched in rage. You are, by far, the most difficult person I have EVER worked with!

Well... fuck. "You're not a virus."

You think?!

I shook my head, possibilities running through but going nowhere. I leaped upon the only reasonable conclusion I could reach. "You've got to be some kind of ghost! Yeah, that's it. You've possessed my laptop, and you're haunting me. Why you want to haunt me with a fucking dating site is beyond me, but I think I can fix this."

She laughed. Obviously, I couldn't hear it, but it looked like she was going off the deep end. Oh, so I'm not allowed to be altruistic? To look out for you? And this crackpot theory about me being a ghost! She fixed me another narrow-eyed glare. I. Am not. A ghost. I'm not a virus. I'm not a visual hallucination. I'm not here to fuck you over. I'm here. To. Help. You.

I sighed, and most reluctantly put my laptop back together, returning the tools to their designated storage areas. Once all that was done, I collapsed in my chair and faced this pony in my computer. "Then why me? Why did your... creator choose me, above any other more highly qualified human, to date ponies? Or try to, at any rate."

The fires behind her burned away to nothing, her anger turning back into the patient kindness I had come to expect of her. She wouldn't tell me, and dodged all of my questions.

"You... don't know?" She shook her head. "Then - I- ugh!" How could I feel so angry and so tired at the same time? I watched as my hands shook before my eyes, and I felt an overwhelming urge to rub my face. I couldn't just take this shit at face value! Something had to be fake about all this.

She seemed to sense that I hadn't quite let go of my denial just yet. Look, even if I were something bad, then why would I have infected you with something that hasn't harmed your computer? Why did I make your computer run better? Why have I done nothing but good ever since I showed up?

I scoffed. "I can't explain that, because I'm not you. We can never really put ourselves in another person's shoes because we aren't them. We don't know their habits, their emotions, their background, their motivations. We know nothing about them other than what they let us see, and even then we're clouded by our own judgment of who they are. Beyond you fixing my computer and fixing me partners in alternate worlds, I don't know anything about you other than you being the pony in my computer who was sent to me for inscrutable reasons."

She blinked. That was well thought out. Huh.

"Weird philosophical shit goes through my head when I'm in the shower, and I'm not beating off or beating myself up about my past or my future."

She smirked. We already established that you need a marefriend. No need to lay it on thicker.

I shrugged. "Ask stupid questions, dot dot dot." A few clicks later, I was at this DDj's profile page again. The colors hadn't changed at all, but nobody was looking my way. I turned to the pony again. "Some sort of 'ignore me' power of yours?"

Yup!

Well, that answered that. What was I supposed to say to this mare? What did she want from me? Why did she care? Was I, as I had previously thought, merely a human fetish? I blinked and then facepalmed. I didn't read her message, so I wouldn't know any of that. You fucking idiot. So I went back to the 'Messages' section - holy fuck that was climbing quickly - and opened up her message.

Hey! I know I'm probably gonna be one of the bajillions of mares here that messages you (you being human and all, and how few humans there are on this site playing a huge part in it), but welcome to the Multi community all the same. My roommate and I had this list of questions we wanted to ask you, but it kinda got lost among all of her papers and her instrument. She was off in a hurry. Some big concert or something. I know how that feels, but it doesn't make it any less inconvenient.

Am I rambling? I think I'm rambling.

Anyways, I'm a mute unicorn who plays dubstep at raves for a living. Though if you're sensible like I think you are, you read my profile and you already know this. I read yours before typing this and I know it sounds cliche as fuck, but I like what I see. You're devoted, you're compassionate, and you need a friend right now. At least, more of a friend than just that mare on our computers. Which is why I'm typing this to you because I wanna be that friend.

Oh! Tavi just got back from her concert. Says she found the list we made, too! But it only has two questions on it. So, uh, might as well ask them. What kinds of music do you like that humans have made? Tavi'd love some samples. Don't tell her I said this, but she's a bit too into her music theory, and she's always experimenting with that cello of hers and whatever music she can get her hands on. Lastly, what are your theories on who this "creator" is that the mare on our computers told us about? Who is she? What does she want? Why me, and why us? I mean, not like I'm complaining or anything. I have a good thing going with Tavi, but... well, if you ever come over to my world, you'll understand why I don't know why I might have been chosen. For now, suffice it to say, it's some weird biology thing that gets me more ostracized than usual, apart from my raves. I'm popular for my music, but I really only get along with my closest friends. like I said, you'll understand if you get here.

I'm rambling again, and now I sound desperate. lol.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Wow. This gave me a lot of information that her profile didn't, and also provided some theories to go along with them. She was a unicorn. There were very few humans on the website and confirmed my suspicion of a human fetish, which explained me being bombarded with messages. DDj's roommate, Tavi, seemed to be more into DDj than she let on. After all, they made a list of questions to ask me. Perhaps Tavi was one of the 'closest friends'? And speaking of which, this DDj wanted to be my friend first. I thought what I'd written in my profile was honest, but not too honest. I didn't mean to pour my heart out! But apparently, I had.

That reminded me of the time I was playing a Ranked Competetive mode in Overwatch, and I was on voice chat, and someone eventually had the balls to say that my voice made them want to kill themselves. Not because my voice sounded bad or I was a squeaker or anything, but because, and I quote, 'you sound like your trying to be happy, but your actually really sad'. That had floored me. Naturally, I'd been all spluttery, before finally asking, 'how do you people get so perceptive?'

This Tavi was really into music too, so it seemed more and more possible that she was one of DDj's 'closest friends'. She wanted to know what kind of music humans liked, ostensibly to sample for her studying. She was a band geek who enjoyed music theory and probably played her cello professionally. Was this concert she went to in her hometown or was it somewhere farther away? Did she make enough to support herself, and just wanted her friend there to live with her, or did she actually need DDj's extra substantial income? How stable was their universe's music industry?

DDj was curious about the identity of the "creator" too, but not enough to give up her relationship with Tavi. Did they both have the same "weird biology thing"? How many others had it? Was that why they were their friends? So many questions. So many theories.

This was due for a response.

You sound happy enough with your roommate. What good would little old me bring you? I mean, aside from my human music, lol.

There we go. If I drive away everyone who could possibly hurt me, then I'll never get hurt. Solid logic, solidly applied here. I nodded to myself in satisfaction, hitting 'Send' with the finality of an executioner. Now I could finally get some classwork done!

Fate, however, had other ideas. Really? You're just gonna blow her off like that? The pony fixed me a disapproving glare. Sweet merciful Luna's tits you're hopeless. But then we blinked as another notification bloop sound, this time accompanied by 'DDj replied to your message!'

"Oh come the fuck on!" Against my better judgment, I clicked on it.

You're trying to deflect me, but it won't work. ;) Tavi and I are best friends, and we could go further if we wanted to. But I'm looking for something more than my best friend's tits, no matter how lovely they may be.

lol, she's blushing now.

But if you're sure you're so little and old, why not exchange pics with me? 'cause I'd rather believe what your profile said, about you being tall and young. :P

And there beneath the message was a button I could press that hadn't been there before: 'Exchange Picture!'

What. The fuck.