My little werewolf

Well… lets just say it wasn’t what I expected. We went down to the armory, and I actually got a choice of what I wanted out of all the armor they had. And it would, of course, be humanified. I know that’s not a word. Deal with it. I seem to be saying that a lot. Oh well, continuing on. I picked the heaviest armor I could find that I could still move fairly well in. It kinda made me look like a human tank, but I was okay with that. I had a shoulder guard that almost went over my head, and boots that went over my knees. My gloves basically turned my hands into battering rams, and the chest piece was fucking bullet proof. Not even kidding, if you shot this damn thing, it would bounce the hell of, that’s how hard it was. The greaves were just as good, if not better. Which is a good thing, cuz it would suck to get hit in the nuts. It was all lined with fur, the metal black as night. The only thing missing was a helmet, which was a problem. Not for me though. It was a problem for the smith. “I’m telling’ ya lad, every suit of armor comes with a helmet, now put the damn thing on!” he was a very… angry stallion. The reason I didn’t want the helmet wasn’t so I’d look like a bad ass, which I like to think I would, but because I have glasses. Did I mention that earlier? I don’t think so. Either way, it would be uncomfortable as all hell.

“Mister Forgefire, I think he’ll be fine without it. Now, lets see about that enchantment miss Rarity was talking about.” said Luna, her horn lighting up, yet again. This time, my armor just kinda glowed for a moment. That was it.

“That’s it?”

“Yes. That’s it. Now, when you change, the armor should grow with you. I must say, if Discords armies aren’t frightened by the sight of you, they soon will be. Now, mister Forgefire, how’s the shield coming along?”

“Just fine, m’lady. It should be done by tomorrow, along with the blade.” well, I guess I will get some sleep today. Awesome.

“Well, you should get back to the others. I’m sure they’re waiting to see their dashing hero.” said Luna. I nodded And turned to walk away.

“Wait a minute… did she just call you dashing?” came the voice of Rage. There you are, old friend. I missed you.

“I do believe she did.” said Reason. Where the hell has he been all this time? Either way, I turned back to her.

“Did you just call me dashing?”

“Maaayyyyybe.” she said with a coy smile. Alright, it’s official. Luna is a bigger troll then Celestia. As far as I know, that is. I still have yet to meet her.

“Okay then, Trolluna, I’ll just be on my way then.” I said, trying soooo hard not to laugh my ass of. Luna on the other hand, wasn’t even trying, as she was now legitimately rolling on the floor laughing. I just smiled and walked away, back towards where the mane six were waiting. As soon as I stepped through the door, I heard a couple of them gasp. Rainbow whistled.

“Well now, that’s some mighty fine armor ya got there.” said Applejack, making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I already felt all warm and fuzzy outside, because of the armor.

“Thanks Applejack. Lets hope it does its job.” I said, actually kinda nervous about the possibility of the armor not being able to stand up to something Discord throws at us. Then I realized that he might just completely mind fuck me into killing them….. Shit. I also realized that the question of “where am I?” was never answered. “So…. Where are we?”

“Oh, heh, guess I forgot to answer that, didn’t I?” asked Rainbow Dash, looking a bit sheepish. I laughed a little bit at the concept of a sheepish Rainbow Dash. “Well, right now, we’re at the royal palace. It’s the only place where Discord can’t get us.” at the mention of Discord, everypony gave me an evil look.

“Alright then….. Um, the rest of my stuff won’t be finished until tomorrow, so…. What now?” I asked. Which was a bad idea.

“WE THROW A SLUMBER PARTY!” yelled Pinkie. Yep. A very bad idea. I would have declined, but I really didn’t have much choice. At least I would have until they brought out a bottle of vodka and shot glasses. Let the games begin.

“Alrightalrightalrightalright… I know this one drinking game… called never have I ever…. It’s some fun shit…” I said… not gonna lie, I’m a complete lightweight, and was completely smashed at this point. I’m surprised I remember any of this. “They way it ya play it… is… um… uh… ya have one person say something they’ve never done, and then anyone who has done that has at take a drink! And we go around and around and around like that until someone passes out.” I said.

“Well what’ya do when they pass out?” asked an equally smashed Rainbow Dash. Hey, that kinda rhymed.. A lil’ bit. I laughed my ass off.

“YA DRAW ON THEIR FACE!!” I yelled, unable to control my laughter. Neither could anyone else. Except, of course, Fluttershy and Twilight, who weren’t drinking.

“I don’t get how this is supposed to be fun.” said Twilight, causing everyone(Except Fluttershy… if I remember right she was sleeping at this point.) to laugh some more.

“I’s fun cauz we dra on the’r faces!” said Applejack, obviously eager to begin. “Alrigh, alright. Ah’ll go first. Never have ah ever….. Give me a minute… got it! Never have ah ever played this game before!” she said. Damn it, she got me. I took a drink, as did everpony else who was playing. Then it went to Rainbow.

“Never have I ever…….. Kissed a mare.”

“Ah’m callin’ ya out on that, ya liar!” yelled Applejack at Rainbow’s confession of straightness.

“I was drunk that night! It doesn’t count!” she said, to which we all agreed. The only pony in the circle who drank that time was Rarity… which didn’t really surprise me. “You’ve never kissed a mare Christian?” well. That wasn’t a question I ever expected to answer.

“Nope. An-” I was cut off, which seems to be a theme around here, by getting tackled by Rainbow. I was confused at first, but then she put her lips to mine and shoved her tongue down my throat. I was in to much shock to know what to do for a moment. As soon as the shock faded, I pushed her away, turned, and puked again. I know some of you out there would’ve let it happen, or even kissed her back, but not me. At least not as a human. Now if Twilight turned me into a pony, that would be a different story, cuz then it wouldn’t be bestiality. Where was I? oh yeah, puking.

“Well, now tha’s just rude. If ya didn’ wanna kiss her, fine, ah can understand that, but pukin’?” said Applejack, slurring every word that came out of her mouth. They didn’t understand that it was wrong.

“On so many levels… that was just wrong…. You have no idea.” I said, as soon as I finished throwing up all my vodka. And it was good vodka to. I looked behind me to see a very hurt looking Rainbow, a VERY angry Applejack, a not smiling Pinkie(which, let me tell ya, was scary as all hell.) and a puking Rarity. Maybe she understood how wrong that was. “Alright, this is gonna take some explaining. Where I’m from, a human doing…. Well, anything like that with something that isn’t human is frowned upon. Highly. Like spend a night or two in jail, and be shunned by anyone who knows highly. So yeah. It’s nothin’ personal, it’s just…. Wrong.” I said, hoping that would make them less angry with me. It backfired. Applejack looked like she was ‘bout ready to kill me, Rainbow was lookin’ kinda pissed, Pinkie was missing, which scared me, and a passed out Rarity. I was so uncomfortable, you could have hit me with a brick, and I’d thank you and ask for another.

“So you’re sayin’ that jus’ because I’m not human, I ain’t good enough for you?” said Rainbow after dinking a few more shots, breaking the awkward silence that had built up while I was explaining the scene to you. No matter how I answered that question, I was screwed. So I tried my best to screw myself over as little as possible.

“No, no, no, you’ve got it all wrong. Basically, what I’m saying is it’s just… weird. Even if I was a pony and you were a human, it would just be wrong. Throw in the fact that you’re drunk off your ass, and it’s un-ethical to.” I said, trying to wiggle my way out of the situation I placed myself in. “My question for you, is why did you kiss me? Seriously.”

“Well, you said you’d never kissed a mare, so I figured I would…..” she said…. I sighed the heaviest sigh of my life. And that’s saying something.

“A mare, yeah, until you kissed me that was true. Human females aren’t called mares. They’re called women, or girls. I’ve kissed a few of them.” I said. I was annoyed as hell at the fact that she just assumed something like that. Then again, she was drunk, so she had an excuse. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to forget that just happened. Pinkie you’re up.” I said. The whole getting mouth raped by Rainbow Dash and throwing up thing was a sobering experience, and I wanted to get shit faced again.

“Alright then! Hmmmmm…. Never have I ever….. Hmmm… you really need to think this stuff through before you type, ya know that?” she asked, looking at me. I wasn’t even going to ask. It’s official, Pinkie can indeed break the fourth wall. “Anyway, never have I ever read a clopfic!” she said. Got me again. I had to drink. Everypony else was to confused.

“What’s a clopfic, Pinkie?” Rainbow Dash asked. When Pinkie leaned in to whisper in her ear, I knew I was fucked. “SO YOU’LL READ STUFF LIKE THAT, BUT KISSING ME IS WRONG!?” she yelled. She was fuckin’ pissed.

“Woah woah woah, I didn’t say I read them on a daily basis! I read one, out of curiosity. Never again.” I said, still shuddering at the memory. The things people come up with.

“Alright, this ah gotta hear. Hit me Pinkie.” Applejack said, and received the same information. This time, she puked. “What kinda sick, twisted mind writes stuff like that fer fun?” she asked when she was done.

“Not me, that I assure you.” I said, which was completely true. Never written one before in my life. Rainbow didn’t seem convinced though.

“So, what, because I’m not all freaky like the ponies in those stories, you’re not into me!? Is that it!?” well, it seemed even honesty wasn’t going to get me out of this.

“I can’t answer that and not make you feel like shit or think I’m lying at the same time, Rainbow! If I say yes, I am lying, and then you either feel like shit, or try to pull some crazy ass shit, if I say no, you call me a liar, and keep on ranting! Twilight, ya gotta help me out here!” I looked at her with my best puppy dog eyes. They obviously weren’t that good, cuz all she did was shrug.

“Oh, are you into her instead!? Is that it!?” is there no end to this? Actually, there is. I think.

“If it was, I would have just said so. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to drink myself into unconsciousness.” I said as I grabbed a bottle of vodka, and began to chug. Eventually the bottle was gone, and I was still standing. “Alright…. What the fuck just happened? Why am I still awake?” I asked. I was confused out of my damn mind. Usually half a bottle did the trick.

“Well, I have heard that werewolves have increased tolerance to alcohol and the like.” said Twilight.

“Then why the hell was I drunk earlier?” I asked, then I looked around to see quite a few empty bottles. Now I know why Rarity passed out. “Oh.” I said, just kinda sitting back down. Wait… when did I stand up? Oh, who cares? Anyway, I sat back down, a little disappointed, and very uncomfortable at the fact that Rainbow was still pissed. “sooo, umm, it was my turn, right? Right. Anyways, never have I ever…” I contemplated what to say next. I didn’t want Rainbow getting any ideas, so I decided against mentioning I’m a virgin(yeah… like I said earlier, I‘m better with the mares than the ladies, which is fucked up.). Aha! Got one. “cheated on my girlfriend, when I had one.” I said, glad I avoided a potential disaster. Nopony drank. And Applejack was up next.

“never have ah ever…. Hmmm. Ah think ah’m runnin’ outta’ stuff…. GOT IT! Never have ah ever told a lie, while in mah right mind.” she said. Confound these ponies, they drive me to drink. Well, that time, Applejack was the only one who didn’t drink(except Rarity, she was still out cold.).

“Alright, I think this game is getting a little….. Awkward.” I said. Everyone was giving me evil looks. “So I think I’m going to call it a night.”

“First off, why don’t you tell me who you’ve lied to?”. all I want is to go to bed at this point, but nnnoooo, Rainbow Dash has to keep asking questions, and accusing me of random bull shit.

“Well, it’d be easier to tell you who I haven’t lied to, then to tell you who I have, so I‘m gonna do that. I haven’t lied to any of you. That’s about it. I’ve lied to everyone else I know.” I said, now expecting to have to give a lecture on human nature.

“Now, why would ya do that? Honesty is the best policy, after all.” said the element of honesty. How many times have I sighed so far? I don’t know, but I did it again.

“It’s human nature, self preservation, if believe we can profit from it, odds are we’ll do it. You could think of the most horrible thing a pony could possibly do, and odds are a human has done it, and enjoyed it.” I said. Now, I don’t like giving these lectures, but every now and again, I kinda forget myself and go off on a rant. This is one of those times. “humanity, by it‘s very nature, is greedy, violent and hateful. We come into the world, kicking and screaming, we get what we want by any means necessary, including theft, murder, bribery, torture, and so on, and then we go to our graves, more often than not, kicking and screaming as someone spills our guts on the floor for all to see. We kill millions, just because they don’t share our beliefs, or because they got in the way. I lived in a world where a man would scold his son for getting into a fight in school, but tell him how proud he is years later when he gets shipped away to kill people for a living. The way I see it, humanity is sick, and there’s only one cure.” I said, trailing off a bit. I tend to do that when I realize I’ve been rambling.

“And what’s that?” asked Twilight. She looked scared, and I knew why. I don’t know if she saw where I was going with this, but she was scared of humanity now. She didn’t want to learn anymore about us.

“A bullet to the head.”