The 1000+ Year Old Virgin

There was only one thing to do at the end of yet another successful apple cider season. Break out the special hard apple cider, get together with some friends, and celebrate!

And where there are drunken celebrations, there are of course ridiculous conversations and party games.

Which was why Discord had accepted the invitation to hang out with them, even though he knew the drinks would have no effect on him. But that didn't stop him from trying.

“Are you drinkin' an entire barrel?” Applejack demanded as Discord lifted one of the barrels to his mouth.

He paused, raised a brow at her, and then ripped the spigot off. “Nope.” He tipped his head back and poured the cider down his throat.

Applejack sighed and rubbed her temples.

“So, anypony wanna play Truth or Dare?” Pinkie asked.

The others agreed, gathering around the map table and taking their seats. Starlight conjured one for herself and Discord simply plopped onto the floor, tall enough to easily watch the proceedings from there. He set the empty cider barrel down with a dramatic smack. “Ohoho, I'm so ready, this better be juicy.”

“Who wants to start?” Pinkie said.

“It was your idea, you start,” Twilight replied.

“Okay! Hmm, I pick...” Pinkie rubbed her chin, looking at each of her friends, before settling on one of them. “Applejack!”

Applejack smiled. “Yes?”

“Truth? Or dare?”

Applejack considered, then said, “Dare.”

“Yay! I dare you...” Pinkie poured a shot of whiskey and slid it across the table. “To take this shot without drinking any water afterward!”

“You got it.” Applejack picked up the glass and knocked it back. She winced for a moment, but swallowed. “That all you got?”

“I'm just warming up,” Pinkie said. “But good job. Your turn!”

“Alrighty.” Applejack hummed as the considered her options, and said, “Rarity. Truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Rarity answered.

“Do you have a crush on anypony?”

The others giggled and Rarity gave a haughty cough. “Really? What are we, schoolponies?” She sighed, and blushed a little. “Well, I... can think of a few individuals I fancy.”

“Ooh, do tell,” Pinkie encouraged.

“Haha, well, let's see... I'll admit I'm rather smitten with Capper, every time I see him I just get so flustered!”

The others laughed and gave understanding nods.

“Don't let Spike catch you saying that,” Starlight said.

“Spike's a dear, really, and I'm flattered that he likes me, but... he's just too young for me, I'm interested in fellows more my own age.” Rarity idly swirled her drink around, then said, “Okay, I answered the question. Rainbow Dash!”

Rainbow held up a hoof, busy chugging her cider. Once she finished off the mug, she slammed it down and replied, “Dare!”

“As I expected. I dare you... not to drink any more of the cider for the rest of the night.”

Rainbow let out a scandalized gasp. “What?!”

“It's a dare, you have to!” Pinkie proclaimed.

“But... ugh, fine.” Rainbow groaned and slumped back in her seat. “I won't drink any more of it. It's not like there aren't other drinks. Twilight, pass me that Everfree and the cranberry juice.”

Twilight levitated over the requested items, and Rainbow began making a mixed drink, calling on the next pony as she did. “Fluttershy, you're up! Truth or dare?”

“Oh, um... dare?” Fluttershy said hesitantly. “No, wait, truth!”

“Alright, I'll go easy on you,” Rainbow said. “Hm... okay. So, is it true that you once got sprayed by a skunk?”

“Yes, but those sorts of things happen when you startle a skunk, I don't hold any grudge,” Fluttershy replied. The others laughed and she blushed, nervously playing with her mane. “It was pretty silly of me, though. Took weeks to completely get rid of the smell. Okay, Discord, truth or dare?”

“Ooh! Dare!” Discord grinned, already standing up. “Give me a good one!”

“Alright, I dare you... to go into the kitchen, get a jar of peanut butter, and put it all over your face.” Fluttershy was already giggling as she imagined it, and the others joined in.

“Is peanut butter the best you can come up with? Why not mayonnaise? Or hot sauce?” Discord shook his head. “But very well, I'll be right back.” He teleported away, then flashed back into the room, opening the jar and dipping a butter knife into it.

“No knife, smear it on with your paw,” Fluttershy said.

Discord started to reach in, then paused. “Does it... have to be this hand?” He waved his lion paw. “Can't I use this one?” He gave his eagle talons a wiggle.

Fluttershy shook her head, continuing to laugh. “No, use your paw.”

“Oh, it's going to get stuck in my fur, you are diabolical.” Discord did as told though, sending the others into fits of laughter at the disgusted faces he made.

“I wish I had a camera right now,” Rainbow said.

“I've got you covered,” Pinkie whispered, pulling a camera out of her mane and snapping a picture.

“Why would you make me waste Twilight's peanut butter like this, come on girls,” Discord said, shaking his head.

“Actually, I have plenty,” Twilight replied. “Keep going, use the entire jar if you have to.”

“Yeah, I want full coverage,” Fluttershy said.

Discord gave her a blank look, then scooped out the entire contents of the jar and spread it right down his face, starting from his horns and going across his eyes and down his beard. He dropped the now empty jar and put his hands on his hips. “I hope you're satisfied.”

They roared with laughter, Pinkie taking several photos, and after a few moments even Discord himself had to join in. He licked his paw clean and sat back down. “Okay, okay, that was good. I'm thoroughly entertained. Now, do I have to leave this on?”

“Heh, you can wipe it off,” Fluttershy replied, starting to gather up some napkins for him, but he simply stuck his tongue out and swiped it over his face, somehow managing to glean off all the peanut butter in one go.

“Daamn, Discord, what that tongue do,” Rainbow commented.

“Okay, it's my turn,” Discord said, cracking his knuckles. “Let's see, let's see... ah, my good friend Starlight Glimmer!”

“Oh no,” she said.

“You look pretty drunk!”

“No, not at all, I mean...” She grinned, face flushing. “Maybe a little.”

“Wonderful, which means your inhibitions are naturally lowered. Truth or dare?”

“You know what? Fuck it. Dare.” She rested her elbows on the table, giving a little wiggle as she psyched herself up for whatever he had in store for her.

Discord smirked. “I dare you to give us a sexy striptease.”

Rarity started coughing on her drink and Starlight froze, blinking slowly. “Uh... what?”

“Did I stutter? I'm sorry, peanut butter mouth, hold on.” Discord cleared his throat, then said in a much louder voice, “Give us! A sexy! Striptease!”

“Did you finally manage to get drunk? I don't know if you noticed but...” She stood up on her hind legs, gesturing to her body. “I'm not wearing any clothes! None of us are!”

Discord snapped his fingers, and next thing Starlight knew, she was clad in black skinny jeans, knee-high boots, and a tank top. She yelped and stumbled backward, tripping over the jeans.

“Why are these so tight?” she demanded, struggling with them.

“You have clothes on, now you can strip,” Discord explained.

“Pinkie, this can't be allowed!” Starlight shouted.

“Sorry, but them's the rules,” Pinkie replied. “You said dare so he dared you, you gotta do it! Otherwise you'll be declared a total sore loser and you'll have to sit out the rest of the game!”

“This game is so juvenile... okay, fine, but don't expect this to be very sexy.” Starlight got back up, sighing. She balanced back on her hind legs and spun to put her back to the others, shrugging the straps of her tank top down and using magic to lift it off. She gave it a swirl and tossed it, then spun back around, lowering her eyelids and ever so slightly nibbling on her lower lip as she began unbuttoning her pants by hoof.

“Oh. My Celestia,” Twilight whispered, staring at her with a quickly deepening blush.

Rainbow gave her a knowing grin, nudging her. “Like what you see?”

“Um, maybe a little.” Twilight fumbled for her mug of cider and downed it.

“Ooh, Twilight's got a thing for Starlight!” Pinkie chanted.

“No I don't!” Twilight protested.

“C'mon, Twi,” Starlight said, giving her a suggestive smile. She slammed a back hoof onto the table right in front of her, slowly undoing the buckles of her boot. “You know how much you adore hot unicorn mares.”

“No, no, ssh!”

“Whoa now!” Discord exclaimed. “What's this about Twilight and hot unicorn mares?”

“Oh, she's all about us,” Starlight replied, drawing her boot off and tossing it. She set her leg down and swung the other up onto the table. “Me, Sunset Shimmer, hell even Trixie...”

“Shut up!” Twilight hissed, ears flattening and hooves covering her face.

“Now, now, there's no need to be ashamed,” Discord said. “You have a type and that's perfectly valid!”

“Hey Twilight, how do ya feel about Tempest Shadow?” Applejack called.

“She's really pretty,” Twilight said, looking up with a dreamy expression. “And so talented... I mean, uh, she's a good friend!”

“I'm going to have so many good questions for you,” Rainbow said.

“Not if I say dare all night!”

“You're no fun.”

Starlight finished taking off her other boot and backed away from the table, swaying her hips as she finally slid her pants down. And then she lost some of her confidence. “What the- Discord, did you put me in panties?!”

Discord chuckled, twirling his beard. “I don't know, did I?”

“Why are they frilly pink ones?!”

“Because I knew how much you'd hate them! Keep going!”

“Ugh.” Starlight took a breath, and levitated over a bottle of rum, gulping down a mouthful. She set it down and closed her eyes, sliding her pants down further. “You guys are so lucky I'm a sexy drunk.”

“Very lucky,” Twilight agreed.

“I feel like this dare was a little inappropriate,” Fluttershy whispered to Discord, eyes widening as Starlight got her pants off and swished her tail aside to show off just how well her flanks filled out the panties. “Oh my. Very inappropriate.”

“Come on, we're all friends here,” Discord replied, borrowing Pinkie's camera so he could take a picture of Twilight's wings flaring open. “What's a party without some drunken shenanigans?”

Starlight finished stripping to enthusiastic applause from her friends, ending off with sitting on the table and spinning the underwear around on a back hoof before dropping it. She spread her forelegs and did a curtsy. “Tada!”

“And that's going right in the spank bank,” Rainbow said.

“Rainbow!” Rarity shouted.

“What? You know I have no filter when I get drunk!”

Twilight held out a hoof to help Starlight down from the table. “That was, um... very nice.”

“Thanks. But I'd just like to say... fuck you, Discord,” Starlight announced.

“No thanks,” Discord said immediately.

Starlight flopped back into her chair. “Okay, now that that's over, my turn. I pick Twilight. Truth or dare?”

Twilight debated with herself, took a steadying swig of cider, and replied, “Truth.”

“Since we're getting raunchy... who's the last creature you had sex with?”

That got some oohing and interested looks, and Twilight nervously giggled. “Oh? Well, um...”

“You gotta answer,” Pinkie reminded her.

“I know, it's just... you probably won't find it very interesting. I haven't slept with anypony. I'm a virgin.”

“Yeah, I was gonna say,” Rainbow said. “I've tried to hook her up but she has really high standards. I thought with her being into both stallions and mares it'd be easy, but it's really hard! She wants them smart, like as smart as her! And then when I find somepony that she might like, she still comes up with a reason not to go out with them! What am I supposed to do?!”

Twilight scowled at her. “Leave me alone, maybe?”

“Oh. Alright then.” Starlight shrugged. “Guess it's your turn then, Twilight.”

“Okay. I think I'm gonna go with Pinkie. Truth or-”

“DARE!” Pinkie yelled without even waiting for her to finish.

“Heh, you've been waiting for that, huh?” Twilight debated on a few different options, then said, “I dare you to take all that ice out of your cup and put it in your mouth, and just hold it there for a minute.”

“Ohh, that sounds like fun!” Pinkie did so, but it wasn't long before her ears laid flat and her cheeks puffed out, eyes squinting.

“Is it cold?” Twilight asked. “You feel like spitting it out?”

Pinkie shook her head, and even smiled, but it was clear she was having to fight not to just bite through the ice or spit it out.

“This really goes to show how different we all are,” Applejack said. “I thought askin' Rarity about her crushes was personal, and Discord straight up makes one of us strip. And now we're back to silly dares. How 'bout that.”

“That's what makes it so fun,” Rarity pointed out.

“You have twenty seconds to go,” Twilight informed Pinkie, who gave her a pained grin. They all started counting down, and as soon as they hit zero, Pinkie grabbed an empty cup and spit the ice out. It was mostly water, and she took several deep breaths.

“Ah, beautiful, warm air,” she sighed.

They continued going back and forth, giving each other all manner of dares and asking invasive questions, and as they grew more and more inebriated, the requests became bolder. They were luckily all quite comfortable with each other, and the alcohol fueled their confidence. Even Fluttershy let loose, jumping up on the table and dancing when dared to by Pinkie.

Sprawled partway across the table and so drunk she could barely keep her eyes open, it came time for Rainbow to call on yet another of her friends. “Okay, okay, who haven't I messed with... oh, Discord, buddy!”

Discord was, unfortunately, still not drunk in the slightest. But he had accepted that equine alcohol simply wasn't strong enough. “Yes, Dashie, my pal?”

“I think I know what you're gonna pick, but um... truth or dare?”

He beamed. “Truth.”

“Oh! Changing things up!” Rainbow sat up slightly, as did everyone else. Discord's picked dare the entire night and was willing to do anything, much to their amusement. Which meant he was likely to answer anything as well. “Okay, okay, what should I ask you... uhh...” She stared at him, then it hit her and she grinned. “So, you big, handsome stud! When was the last time you got laid?”

“I should have known you'd ask that, practically everypony here has been asked to lay out their sex life or lack thereof,” Discord replied with a weary sigh. He lounged back, taking a long and ultimately ineffectual drink from the bottle of Everfree he had claimed for himself. He made sure all eyes were on him and full of burning curiosity, before saying, “To answer your question, RD, I never have gotten laid.”

“What?!” several simultaneous voices demanded.

Discord raised his brow and sat forward, slamming the bottle down. “What do you mean, what? I've never had sex. It's not like I'm the only one here who hasn't.”

“Yeah, but you're like a thousand years old!” Rainbow shouted.

“I'm older than that actually-”

“And you've never even tried?” she yelled over him.

Fluttershy covered Discord's paw with a hoof, giving Rainbow a reproachful look. “If he doesn't want to do it, that's his business, and you shouldn't pry.”

“It's okay, my dear, no question is too personal for me,” Discord assured her. “And I did pick truth. I just simply haven’t had an interest in sex. I’m sure I’m very desirable, haha, not to brag but I consider myself a very handsome fellow! But I’ve never desired intimate company with another creature. So I never bothered trying. It’s not a big deal, I doubt I’m missing out on much.”

“Oh my Celestia!” Rainbow exclaimed. “Guys, we’ve got a thousand year old virgin here!”

“Thousand plus year old virgin,” Discord corrected her. “And entirely by choice, might I add! How great can sex be anyway?”

“Are you kidding me?” Pinkie asked. “It's like a party in your bed!”

“You're missing out on so much!” Rainbow agreed.

“Yeah, like I respect that you aren't interested but it really is pretty great,” Starlight said.

“Please,” Discord said, rolling his eyes. “It's just your natural urges to reproduce being encouraged with physical pleasure and the release of addictive and rewarding hormones. All chemicals!”

“Well they're super good chemicals,” Pinkie replied. “Mm, they make you feel all warm and light like a balloon full of helium!”

“What kind of balloons are warm?”

“And seriously, when you're laying there all worn out with your partner, it's awesome,” Rainbow continued. “It's like when you get done working out, it's a natural high.”

“Hmph.”

“Honestly, it just feels good,” Starlight said. “You like pleasure, right? I mean, you are a hedonistic bastard.”

Discord chuckled. “You're so flattering when you're drunk.”

“I have to admit, I'm surprised,” Rarity said. “When you gave Starlight that dare, I thought it was out of attraction to her.”

“Nope, I'm just very aware of how much you ponies enjoy that sort of thing so I thought it'd be fun. And from an aesthetic standpoint, she did look very nice.”

Starlight clicked her tongue and winked at him.

“Perhaps I could try getting laid,” Discord mused. “As for with who, I have no idea.”

Rainbow turned to Twilight. “Hey, you want somepony who's smart, so here you go! Tall, smart, and very handsome! And with powerful magic, bonus!”

Twilight's face heated up. “I'm not sleeping with Discord!”

“You wound me, Twilight,” Discord teased. “What, am I ugly or something?”

“No! You're not ugly at all, it's just... I'm not uh, into you like that.”

Rainbow groaned. “Oh come on, you refuse everypony! Listen, after tonight you at least need to ask Starlight out, you were so into her!”

“Stop trying to get me laid!”

“Fine, then from now on my mission is to get Discord laid!” Rainbow got up and stumbled her way around the table, going to hold on to Discord's arm. “Don't worry buddy, you have my word, I'm gonna get you some hot flank. The hottest...” She hiccuped, and managed, “The hottest flank I can find...” Her head tipped forward and then she passed out, falling onto his lap and snoozing.

Discord huffed. “This means game over, right?”

“Yeahh, I think we should stop,” Pinkie said. “Which is too bad, I was just about to implement a new rule. That anypony who wants to refuse a truth or dare... can instead take a shot of my famous cinnamon vodka!” She gave the untouched bottle a wave. “Buut, I guess we can do that some other time.”

Discord got up, slinging Rainbow carelessly onto his shoulder. “Well girls, I had a lot of fun, thank you so much for inviting me. Sorry for drinking all your booze.”

“That's alright,” Twilight replied. “Sorry I didn't have anything that actually worked on you.”

“Oh it's no problem, I had fun anyway watching all you get plastered! I'm going to take Rainbow home, I hope you have a pleasant night.”

“Thanks, you too.” Twilight's horn lit up and she started gathering up the drinks and various dishes, her friends joining her. As much as Discord wanted to watch them struggle to even walk, he couldn't stick around. He checked that he had a good hold on Rainbow and teleported to her house.

He carefully hovered into her bedroom, laying her down on the bed. He examined her prone form for a moment, then rolled her onto her side. After more consideration, he created a bucket and set it down next to the bed. “Just in case.” He turned to go.

“Discord?” a sleepy voice asked.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that Rainbow had opened her eyes, though the look she was giving him was distant and her loopy grin made it clear that she wasn't all there. “Ya know, you can... you can spend the night with me if you want- hrk!” She quickly covered her mouth, and Discord grabbed the bucket and gave it to her. She hunched over it and threw up, and he quickly backed away.

“Haha, no thanks, I'd love to stay but I have to go home and iron my cat!”

“Well, okay but- wait, what?”

“Drink plenty of water, make sure you shower tomorrow morning, gotta go!” Discord was gone in a flash, disappearing and then reappearing in the safety of his home back in his personal dimension.

He sighed and went over to throw himself onto his couch, shaking his head. Ponies sure could get hung up on the weirdest things. Who needed sex when Ogres & Oubliettes existed? He'll never understand that biological hangup.

He stretched and decided to retire to his room for the night. Rainbow got so drunk she passed out, he reasoned. She probably won't even remember the last few dares. Which meant, hopefully, she won't harass him about getting laid. With that comforting thought in mind, he turned out the lights and went to bed.