No Horns Allowed

On a brightly colored planet, in the vast darkness of space there lies a continent. On that land mass you’ll find a plethora of multi-hued equines living in parched deserts, swampy marshes, marble entombed castles, and simple brick buildings. In one town of 13 there is a particular building that few creatures equine or no are allowed to enter. Not because you must be brave, find it’s hidden entrance, but because the owner of this business is a racist plot hole. I’m not passing judgement here, those are his words, not mine. But this proprietor has made three fairly easy to make mistakes in where his shop currently resides.

1. It is located with in 100 yards of Ponyville Town Hall, which just so happens to be 42 feet inside the conjunction of 3 major ley lines that run across the Equestrian Continent.
2. The buildings main entrance is in the alleyway, which it shares with Sugar Cube Corner, whos popularity has led to long lines often obscuring the singular sign at either end with sugar starved zompoines ignoring much else around them.
3. It’s on the same plane of existence as Twilight Sparkle, and that’s a hazard all on it’s own. As the future Princes of Property Damage will be remembered in the History Scrolls.

Aforementioned intolerant business owner is a peculiar specimen of equinity. Lacking much in the way of color or eye catching appeal he’s traveled the towns market every day it’s open largely unmolested for as long as Chief Regulation has been keeping the peace. His taxes are paid, he has a stable of regulars, and pays for everything in bits in equine. If the City Hall hadn’t been leveled multiple times over the centuries due to one accident or disaster certain discrepancies might have come to light. Like how the business is third eldest still standing behind the School House and Library respectively. Or his property taxes are paid for by the Crown, signed and sealed by Sol Invictus Princess Celestia of the Everbright Sun herself. Or that the building has not changed owners since the Dark Resurgence, an era that started when Tsuki Invictus Princess Luna of the Everdark Void was banished to her realm on the Moon. But such is the case when one keeps records on scrolls that last for a few decades at most that are one toddler unicorn surge away from being turned into ash.

Our story takes place 1 week before the 1000th Summer Sun Celebration, held in Ponyville, in that business of dubious origin. When an Earth Pony, a Griffon, a Dragon, and Minotaur walk into a bar.

A sickly olive coated stallion kicks open the door with familiar force to to prop it open.“Close up early Berry, we’ve got guests that require privacy and I’ll be serving them myself.”

“Suuuuure Boss, you’re going to tend bar, the only time you life a glass is to empty it.” the purple mare snarked, quickly going silent when her employer was followed in by strangers. “Hey, what’s the deal?!? You said I couldn’t bring my marefriend and that minotaur has horns!”
Rolling his eyes at his sole employee as she busies herself with counting back her till and dropping the bits into the safe he points a hoof at the sign reading “No Horns Allowed: No exceptions!” “You’re marefriend is a unicorn Berry, and that’s what that rule is for. We don’t serve those here, and it doesn’t say just unicorns because there are other species that have them. But as I can vouch that absolutely no magical mumbo jumbo is going to come out of Steel Reserves head adornments I’m allowing it. You’re getting paid for a full days work despite it being noon, now sod off to snog it up with Amethyst Star or whatever you do in your free time. I’ve got things to do!”

Snagging a bottle to go she bucks the door closed behind her locking it, “What a racist plot hole!” she mutters under her breath as she makes her way to the Market Square.

“All zis time und you still bear zat grudge for Amaranth mon ami?” the griffon asked with a sigh, taking a seat at the small but well polished bar, taking the Crimson Heart Gimlet from the pony behind the bar.

A fierce glare quickly melts into a his usual frown as a tall, ironically named pony keg is slid before the Minotaur, an acrid smoking flambe’ cocktail to the dragon, and finally a fruity rum drink for himself. “I actually let everyone in for a few decades about 300 years ago, but some nosey Canterlot Inspector just had to stick his nose into my kitchen and well, they say he got most of his cognitive function back before he died. . .Celly was not happy about that one. . .”

“I would imagine not!” the female drake barked a laugh as a ring of smoke O’d from her mirth across the bar to hit the sign dead on. “If I recall his family was an offshoot of a noble family, and one of his descendants is a prince now or something. You hear more than I do Sweet Bread.”

“Zat would explain zis Blue Blood's penchant for scandal und stupidity, generational compounded brain damage. I ztill marvel at how even zlight zteps can cauze beeg ripples,” Sweet Bread mused.

Downing his cocktail in one the pony pour himself another as he started making small platters of things to gnosh on that all four races could pick and choose from. “Enough prattle, I’ve waited a Goddess Cursed Milenium for this week and I didn’t invite you four from across the planet to come and drink my booze for free.

“Four?” Steel Reserve questioned.

“Gentlemen, lady, Blackbriar and I welcome you to my Town,” Mayor Mare grinned stepping out of a both, taking the last seat at the bar and drinking a tall glass of lemonade.

“Yes, the Four Stars, and a legal witness. Let’s plan how to deal with our Employer coming back after having so solidily failed her and come up with a good enough reason for her to NOT erase our souls from existence or banish us to someplace without air, or worse, alcohol. Burnt, ideas?”
Sharp claw chipping away at the ice cube in her drink Burnt Grill mused the question over, “I would say trying to appeal to her better nature, but the last idiot that did that wound up at the bottom of what’s now Horseshoe Bay, about 2 seconds after it was formed for the first time. Did you know they still say they see phantom fireworks in the sky at night after all this time of that guy exploding? Lulu definitely knew how to punish a foal for screwing her over.”

“ Zo eff diplomacee iz out, perhapz wee zurender ourzelvz for punizhment? Ze uzed to zay that to run from a unicorn you only die tired.” the griffon grumbled, finishing off his beverage.

Scoffing at the idea of just rolling over Briar topped off a new drink for Sweet, “I didn’t live through the Discordian Era, the Dark Ages, the Neo-Celestial Purges just to bend my neck for cutting at the first sign Lulu is back. I won’t judge you lot for pulling a runner, you’ve got family and legacy. But I’m not going anywhere. I’ll take my lumps when the big black broad comes back.”

Now more than a little worried, Mayor pipes up, “You lot seem to be under the impression that trouble is coming to Ponyville regardless of your actions. As the local magistrate responsible for budgeting damages should I be overly worried about an Old Mares Tale?”

The remaining four just stare at her, and pound their drinks in silence. As more than a little sweat starts to form on the dun mares brow. “She’ll appear in the Everfree and then go straight for Canterlot, right?”

“No,” the quietest chewing minotaur stated after swallowing his cracker.

“You see Mayor,” the drake grinned with too many teeth, “the first thing the Boss is going to do once back on Equus is reform her body. Then she’s going to go after her Sister, then us. See, the problem is, I just so happen to know where the Summer Sun Celebration is being held this year.”

Flipping open her journal with current correspondence the Mayor tears open the official missive she’d received before departing for this cloak and dagger meeting. “Oh no, no no no NO! What do we do? What do I do?!!?”

Clearing the charcuterie tray and glasses aside the Earth Pony grins, “Well I’m staying, if for no other reason than to spite that Old Bastard and keep my lot of land magical threads be damned. You’re the smartest of us Steel, what do you think?”

“Scatter.”

“Ve might az vell. Perhapz if zhe can’t be reazoned vith then at leazt Herr Schwartz deztruction vill buy uz zome time to get our affairz in order.”

“I’ll have to let the Dragon Lord know, just to stop the other null-scales from declaring war on the squishy ponies for hiding the sun.”

“Then we’ve got a temporary plan, I’ll work with the Mayor here to keep the carnage to a minimum will the rest of you take your places at the far reaches of Equestria. If the Prophecy proves false you’ll at least get a bit of lead time before you join me in Tartarus. Time to do your job as the Oracle Mayor.”

Gulping down her fear and steeling her resolve the bespectacled mare pounded the shot of liquid courage, “it would seem we have an accord and I have a lot of paperwork to write. Good day.”

“For as long as those may last Mayor, for as long as they last.”