No Horns Allowed

“It should be noted that Alicorn, whether true born from Faust or achieved through merit, have the same digestive, hormonal, psychological, and thaumilogical systems as their little ponies do. An alicorn horn is in reality, just a sturdier form of equinity that doesn’t just mimic unicorns, but multiplies it. Imagine a unicorn’s thaum network with pegesai reflex and earth pony stamina and you have the standard Alicorn horn. That said, all three races suffer from similar intestinal fates regardless of what combination they’re applied or how strong there are. For instance, most equinies have extreme difficulty or it is flat out impossible for them to vomit. This is why there is such a vast call for alchemical/thaumilogical curatives and such a low rate of alcoholism. To quote a Draconia College saying roughly translated, “Never go on a bender with a pony, you can’t puke and rally when you can’t puke.” It goes without saying that creatures that breathe fire and other ignition based effects probably shouldn’t consume alcohol either but having a mouth, esophagus, and tongue strong enough to handle gem shards, magma, and aforementioned expectorates one can understand why perhaps regurgitation isn’t a high concern.

Thus incapacitated, we find one Princess Celestia currently doing her best not to leave equestrian soil as it spins around her big white plot.”

“I swear to Faust, and I don’t do that lightly, when I can find my hooves I’m stepping on something sensitive Ebon.”

“Now now Celly, I didn’t force the Tartarus Spiced Pepper Whiskey down your throat. If you had more personal mettle you wouldn’t need any liquid courage. Besides, with you out of the way I don’t have to worry about you being over protective of your student. She gets to live, and make mistakes, experience life without your ever growing shadow. If reports are true your body double should have been evacuated about an hour ago if the lack of sunrise is any indicator. Then my old Boss gets to monologue for a bit like the old fashioned nag she is, and your chosen get tested.”

“You. You planned this?!!?”

“I set things in motion. I put equines where they needed to be to do what I think they should. Plan would imply an end game besides watching you bat at chair legs while getting a good look at the gum stuck under my bar tables. I did lie about shagging you, but I had to get you drinking the heavy stuff and I knew the prospect of any intimacy with me would erode your resolve. Usually does in this town.”

“It seems like too great a gamble. Too much to lose on the whims of my little ponies.”

“Now you see Celly, that’s where you and I disagree. This is a matter of perspective. Up on that Faust-forsaken mountain you get to set the big picture, but only that big picture. I’m down in the trenches, serving the at best the average equestrian and straight “monsters” at worst. I’ve either spoken to, or have mares and stallions that have spoken to your chosen five. And as long as you didn’t pull another Sunset your student should be fine.”

“I know. And I let you do this. Even after all this time. Even being on the opposite sides of the war. I hate that I’d rather be at your mercy getting Faust knows what rubbed into my fur instead of doing battle with that. . .nightmare.”

“One, I’m insulted there, I’ll have you know in between bitching about me not letting her girlfriend in here Berry does an excellent job on the floors and any dirt that’s in your coat is what you and the goon squad tracked in here. And two, like I said before, I know what you are and what you’re made of. If you REALLY wanted up you could summon up your magic through that pointy bit of skull and burn the alcohol out of your system. But you don’t. Because like every other pony on this planet they want to avoid pain. And drinking a barrel of high test whiskey is what an alicorn would quantify as anesthetic.”

The cook and the princess’ tit for tat was interrupted by the front door banging open and closed before the guards outside could protest that the establishment was closed until their ruler left.

“Boss! Boss! BOSS! Nightmare Moon is back and. . .is that Princess Celestia’s on her back with her legs in the air?!?!” the purple barmaid cried.

“Yep. When the big black bitch in the ugly armor hit her with some sort of magical whammy the guards hid her here until they could find a counterspell. Apparently whatever they did was quite a doozy as she’s slurring her speech and can’t stand on her own four hooves. The guards you just blew by where probably trying to protect her dignity in her current incapacitated state.”

Fur and complexion draining from a deep plum to pale puce Berry Punch’s rump hit floor boards, “Am I in trouble?!?”

“Nay my little pony, I am glad for company, join me on the ceiling and we can mock the strange tables with surfaces that spin around and around. Your employer is a fool to have food and drink resting areas that spin!” the soused princess decreed.

Looking askance at her Boss and shrug later there were soon 8 pairs of hooves in the air. Both munching on small snacks of rye cracker, wheat mouse, and fine grated cheese. One to sober up, one to calm down, and both to contemplate where life had taken them.
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Meanwhile, high up in the Ruins the Castle of the Two Pony Sisters things were unfolding just as one might expect them to if it were a children’s book. 6 equines, none of them having much of anything in common, banding together to face a common threat. Despite Celestia trying her best not to manipulate her little ponies there were three forces at work that she had used quite a few times over the centuries playing themselves out again only now on a more juvenile stage.

1. Fear of the Other: Nightmare Moon is an alicorn, all black, and tends to mock and belittle other ponies to make up for her shortcomings, this makes her different and thus something to fear, followed by do something about.
2. Herd Think: Very few had the ability to break the power of herd think. The same system of thought that protected ancient equines from predators and disaster does little to serve them in this “modern” age. Royal Guards had to have it beaten out of them and Police Officers had to learn how to manipulate it. So when you gathered equines that had natural resistance to herd think they tend to work wonders together. The Founders that established modern equestria, the Pillars that saved it from the various disasters and the Pony of Shadows.
3. 6 the Sacred Number: Throughout history 6 has been a very important number of gathered sapients, not just ponies, when it comes to changing the future and their own fates. Even with the oppression of cutie marks guiding towards one’s destiny, too often ponies forget that they make their own futures, and by breaking away from the herd they have just as much chance at fame and fortune as they do death and destruction.

So when a naive purple unicorn challenged the Mistress of the Night head one, literally charging her in desperation, the story played out as it should. Five friends, banding together to represent an element a piece, with Twilight Sparkle pulling up the rear with Magic itself. Massive eldritch powers channeled through magical foci beyond equine understanding banishing the dark taint of Nightmare Moon from Princess Luna.

But as any science major will tell you, magic like matter or energy can not be created or destroyed. Only channeled and manipulated. So where did all that dark power go? A vast amount of power was drained from Luna as her soul was cleansed by the Elements of Harmony, but all that power had to go elsewhere. And like many parasites that evolve, it simply moved on to stronger more beneficial hosts. Like the Bearer’s themselves.

Victorious for now, a freshly sober but still marely virtue intact, raised the sun and had it greet here long lost sister in a muchly reduced state. Confused. Tired. And happy to finally have free thought again she raced to her elder sister’s bossom with no more fears of the past for the immediate future. The Elements bound to their bearers, the 8 headed back to town where a party commenced. Equestria celebrating the return of the sun, their familiar ruler, and a new sovereign as well. A teacher assuring student that she could stay with her new friends and continue to learn away from her familiar environs. A baker overjoyed at finally being able to welcome a new friend. A speedster showing off to the crowd, getting her first taste of what being a Wonderbolt was going to be like. A farmer confused on why the Princess wasn’t eating a 10th of what she usually does. A designer trying her best to match her new necklace with her upcoming Winter Line. A caretaker hiding from the festivities, attention and acclaim always her bane. A sister overwhelmed with ponies celebrating her return and more than a little confused on what that strange device moving on wood and metal was doing. And a student basking in the glow of a test passed, a friend found, and a home claimed.

While across town, far from the festivities three ponies sat in a quiet bar.

One nervously wiping wiping sweat from her brow, shuffling paper work and signing forms.
One staring off into space, freshly wiped mind remembering working a shift in a dead end bar.
And the last eating a hors d'oeuvre, counting a large pile of coin, a rare smile on his muzzle.