“Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious little sun-loving faces.” I hear very ominous voice project.

Wait what? Who’s that? I wondered looking around hoping to see who was talking.

The person I found was Luna, but at the same time not Luna. She had undergone some kind of transformation. Instead of a dark blue or coat was now black and her eyes had turned snake-like.

“What have you done with our princess?!” A boisterous voice hollard back at her.

“Luna?” I questioned the black coated horse. “What the hell are you doing?”

She ignored me instead responding to the other voice after chuckling. ”Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?” She asked sweeping her gaze across the crowd of gathered ponies.

What Is going on here? Luna wasn’t like this on the moon. I decided the best course of action was to stop Luna from doing something stupid, so I smartly stepped right in front of her and waved a hand in front of eyes.

“Ey Luna! You alright? You’re kinda scaring everyone.”

She hissed at me. “What are you doing, creature. Hmmm… ‘tis been awhile since we’ve had a snack…” I suddenly found myself floating in mid air. “and you just volunteered.” Suddenly her jaw unhinged and down I went.

“What the FUCK LUNA!” Are you kidding me?! I refuse to die like this! I started flailing about like crazy trying to escape.

All this resulted in was me being bound in magic as I fell into her stomach. It didn’t burn at all although it is eating away at my hair. All the noise from earlier quickly faded become muffled beyond comprehension.

Did, did Luna just eat me?! What the hell! I thought as panic slowly began to set in. I was going to be eaten alive at this rate! I was going to watch as my skin was melted by stomach acids! How the fuck was I supposed to get out of here?!

Man I’m going to die again. I survived the moon just to be eaten by the only friend I have on this alien world. With that thought I passed out.

“Heel! Heel!” Huh, wha? I thought as consciousness slowly returned to me.

“We’re so sorry! Please wake up!” I slowly opened my eyes and was greeted by a frantically moving blue blob. Luna? My vision slowly came back to me and I found my guess was correct.

Luna was frantically shaking me a very panicked look in her eyes. I also noticed she was back to normal. No sharp teeth, snake-eyes, or black fur.

I wasted no time in jumping up and away from her fearing for my life. “Uh uh, aw hell no. You stay back princess.” I said running a hand through my hair. Why am I itching all over?

“Honestly, I thought we were friends!” I said continuing to slowly back up, “But then you fucking ate me!” I tripped over a small block of stone I hadn’t seen and fell onto floor. “First the vines, then a damn voice and now you!”

My brain operating at full capacity again I looked myself over and found that I was perfectly fine. other than the itchiness and lack of body hair.

“Please wait!” She yelled holding up a hoof. “It wasn’t entirely our fault!” She started sobbing

Looking around I saw a small group of different colored horses watching us.

There was also a tall white horse standing behind them with a very scary expression on her face directed at me.

You’ve got to be kidding me! There’s more of them?! And now Luna’s crying, FUCK. Nope I gotta scram, who knows what these creatures will to do to me!

Wait. I thought after looking around once more. Aren’t these the ruins I was in before that white horse sent me to the moon? At the far end of the room I spotted a familiar looking staircase This is the same ruin! And there’s my way out of here!

Every muscle in my body tensed as I stood still the only sound being Luna’s continued sobbing. I waited a few more seconds before sprinting to the stairway.

I managed to get up the stairs without being stopped and for a while I thought I had escaped.

That is until a white flash appeared in front of me revealing a very unimpressed white horse.
“You have two choice right now.” She said sternly, “You can either go back and cheer up my sister. Or I can torture you until you are begging for death. Do I make myself clear?”

“Bu-” I quickly shut my mouth. All these horses are fucking crazy! Do they all hate me?! “O-okay.” I quickly turned around and headed back down the stairs.

“H-hey Luna?” I said shakily as I approached the still bawling Lunar princess.

I only made it a few steps before the floor fell out from under me sending me tumbling downward. The last thing I heard were a few panicked gasp before I hit the ground.

With a gasp I awoke in a small white room hooked up to some fancy looking medical gadgets with a crazy looking white horse staring at me.

Wait, I was, I was just in the fucking castle! What the hell? I looked around the small white room utterly terrified. This white horse is going to kill me! Nononono Just let me go! I’ll apologize to your fucking sister alright!

I desperately tried to escape to no avail.

“Hazzah! He awakens!” Out of nowhere Luna tacked me into a hug. She’s shivering ever so slightly. The white horses eye began twitching. She. Is. Pissed.

Wait what! “Luna?” I asked my mind reeling. “What just happened? Where Am I?”

She looked at me confused. “You do not know? You fell into an underground cell in the old castle”

“You’ve been out for three days.” Three days?! I thought surprised.

“As for your other question we are currently in the medical wing of Canterlot Castle.”

“But, but the white horse. And, you were crying right? I, Wha?” I’m losing it, holy shit!

“Oh yes! My sister was the one to recover you after we came over to see what happened.” Said white horse literally had waves of heat radiating off of her. She looked like a nuke ready to blow.

“O-Oh, that’s nice.” I said eyeing the white-horse while offering her a one-hundred percent not strained smile. “So, um, what is Canterlot?”

“Canterlot is the capital me and my sister live in.” She said with pride.

“And You can live in the castle too! now that you are a noble!” She continued her eyes sparkling with childlike glee. “Our sister was ecstatic when we told her about your win in the dream realm. We hope you accept. You can even stay in the room next to us!” Luna finished with a face splitting smile.

The now yellow horse was leaving the room literally engulfed in flames. The marble floor started melting. And the door hinges disintegrated as she opened the door to leave.

Soon a white colored pony walked past the door. “Holy Celestia that’s hot!” It yelled trying to extinguish the small fire that had erupted on its tail.

“Yeah.” I said eyeing the molten doorway. “Sounds great.” I’m fucked.

“So, what exactly is your role here in the capitol?” I asked trying to move the conversation somewhere else.

“I am Princess of the Night. I control the moon, oversee night-court and keep the pesky nobles at bay.”

“And if thou decides to court us possibly queen.”

Through the open doorway everything in sight bursts into flames as more white coated ponies showed up with buckets and a hoses of water to put it out.

“Speaking of which we should go prepare for our future duties. Once the doctor says you can leave ask a guard to direct the to our room.” In a quick flash she was gone.

Quickly after the white horse re-entered the room a look of fiery rage in her eyes.

I opened my mouth to let loose a furry of complaints but the look in her eyes quickly made me rethink my decision. I decided now was not the time to unload all my frustration

“Hello Uh.” Shoot I don’t know her name!

She looked me directly in the eyes before speaking. “Let me make myself very clear. The only reason you are alive right now is because my sister has taken an interest in you. If you hurt her in anyway. I will make sure you die a very slow and painful death.” She then left.

I was sweating up a storm. I even got a slight tan from being so close!

I gotta find a way out of here! But then again Luna is the only thing keeping me alive. I’ll have to let her down slowly and then sneak out of here! With that plan in mind I began wandering around the room searching for a doctor to clear me so I could leave this place without the white-horse of doom coming back to roast me alive.

Soon enough a small white unicorn walked in and immediately started fanning himself with some papers. “Gosh it’s mighty hot in here.” He then saw me and sat down on the floor only to hop back up with a little more pep and started fanning his ass instead. “What in Celestia?! Why is the floor so hot? Anyways are you.” He paused looking at his clipboard. “Heel Klein?”

“Yeah, that’s me.” I said as I glanced around for any sign of the white horse of death’s return.

He looked at the ass fan. “It says here that you are being released as long as you get some rest and stay away from running and sports. You can leave when you are ready.” He turned and walked out the door giving a nice view of his two large bald spots on his ass. “There’s a bit of a draft out here.”

Alright then. Now freed to go I quickly left the room and searched for a guard to take me to Luna’s room.

There were two guards by the door sporting gold armor and spears. Both stared straight ahead almost never blinking.

“Hello?” I asked as I walked up to both of them.

Neither of them reacted. They just stood there unmoving.

You’ve got to be kidding me. “Alright I see how this is gonna be.” I Tapped one of them on the side of their helmet. “Can you at least tell me where Princess Luna’s room is?”

Not a single fuck was given by either of the guards. Not a single fucking one as they just stood there.

Uggg I groaned internally. “Look, I was told by Princess Luna herself that you would direct me to her room, so can you PLEASE just tell me where to go?”

No response. They just stared at the opposite wall.

Fine, I’ll find it myself! With that I turned and began my journey through the castle in search of Luna’s room. The castle can’t be THAT big right?

The two guards started following behind me as I walked. They didn’t say a single word to me. What the hell.

Okay, that’s not creepy at all. I thought continuing my search through many rooms of the castle.
My findings included, a janitorial closet, a huge ass kitchen, more guards decked in golden armor, and one door that I didn’t dare open because, well let’s just say there were some sounds coming from it.

Anyhow after coming across the fifth closet filled with cleaning supplies I gave up and once again turned to my little entourage for help.

“Are you two just going to follow me all day! You haven’t said a single fucking word the whole time I’ve been busting my ass trying to find the princess room in this huge as freaking castle! Can I get some help here!”

One of them actually did something. He sneezed, but it was one of those fake ones. “Buck you.” He sneezed out with a slight grin etching its way onto both of their faces.

Alright, that’s it I’ve had enough of these fucking pastel horses! I’m gonna fuck em up! With a roar of rage I rammed into the nearest guard full force.

I then received a hard smack with the side of one of the spears to the face sending me to the ground.

“Fer fucks sake.” I muttered as I rubbed the bridge of my nose.

As I stood up again I looked up and down the hallway that seemed to stretch on infinitely. Everything here hates my guts. And I can’t do jackshit, why does everyone else get fucking super-powers and magical doo-dads.

“Now that you both have gotten your utter hatred for me out could you give me a hint to where Princess Luna’s room is?”

They both grunted and pointed their spears in opposite directions with smug looks on their faces.

“Thank you!” Wait a minute…

“You mother fuckers.” I growled out.

I rubbed my forehead due to the headache I could feel coming. I considered my three options. One, I could have followed guard number one and have a fifty/fifty chance of finding Luna’s rooms, Two, I could have follow guard two and have the same chance at finding her majesty’s abode. Or three, I continue to stumble around this huge castle desperately hoping to stumble across it.

I chose option three.

“Alright!” I said as I cracked my knuckles. “Round two!”

This is not working. I’d been walking for who knows how long with the same two guards following me probably laughing internally at how stupid I looked. I’d gotten so turned around I’m fairly certain I’d been through this hallway at least five times now.

Honestly I couldn’t tell, but I’m pretty sure that’s the same door I had left open last time I was here. Well fate had decided to intervene and let me survive being inside someone's stomach so maybe it would be so kind to show me where the fuck Princess Luna’s room was!

As if the universe was reading my mind two servants walked out of a room up ahead. A male and female. The guy quickly walked off as the mare just stood there looking towards him.

Maybe she’ll be willing to help me! “Excuse me ma'am.” I asked as I approached, “You wouldn’t happen to know where Princess Luna’s room is would you?”

She seemed to jump a little and looked back towards me. “Um yes. I can take you there if need be.” The two guards lost their smug looks.

Oh thank goodness! FINALLY! “Thank you so much miss, please do lead the way.”

She turned and started walking down the hall, but I notice something I wish I hadn’t. She was… leaking… back there...

Are you fucking serious? These fucking ponies man. I quickly turned around and give my escort the finger before I followed after my new friend that I’ll never see in an innocent light again.

Eventually we made it to a door with a large crescent moon on it. The guards casually walked off and the servant turned to me with a sultry look. “If you ever have anything more… personal that needs help with just call for Lovely Break. I always love something more… exotic.” She then turned and walked off. Not without the unwanted flashing though. And as it turns out the leakage definitely did not come from just her…

Deciding not to think about what I just witnessed to much, I knocked on the door and waited for a response.

There was a panicked tumbling before the door opened revealing Luna. I noticed a little movement on the corner of my eye as something was tucked under the bed. Luna had a big smile on her face that just screamed ‘not innocent’. “W-what? We thought you would have taken longer to recover. Anyways how are you?”

I just stared blankly for a few seconds. “You ponies are fucking insane you know that right?”

She looked absolutely puzzled. “W-what do you mean?!” She blushed a little.

“Nothing.” I said with a sigh. “Look, what did you need me here for again? I kinda forgot after wandering around this castle with two dickheads.” Those guards can go fuck themselves.

She sighed. “Yes. Some of the solar guards are not fond of me… but we have recovered your pet!” As she said that the annoying wood puppy popped out of nowhere. It appeared to be a big pink puffball as it just floated there defeated. That is till it sees me and starts whining for help. “We also have the horn of a unicorn that you had… why did you have that?” As she said that the horn floated from under her bed and into my hand… it’s damp…

I stared at the horn utterly baffled. Even Luna is fucking crazy! “O-oh, thank you.” I said very sweetly. “This is just great.”

“But you still haven’t answered my question, why did you want me to come here after I was released from the medical wing?”

“To return your belongings and for a… proposition…” she said giving me a sultry look.

I immediately held up my hand. “Nope can’t do that because one of the authors will not allow it until I’m 18.” What the actual fuck did I just say?

She gave a pouty face and mumbled to herself. “Stupid authors… can’t have any fun.” She looked back down to me. “So when will you be 18?”

I scratched my head, “Eh, September 19th, Is that a month here? Do you creatures even have months?”

“What? Of course! That’s only four months away.” She said exasperated.

“So prepare yourself! We will be waiting.” She walked over to me and gave me a quick kiss on my cheek.

Her horn began glowing but before I could question what she was doing I found myself in the middle of a bustling city with a small brown sac in my grasp.

Normally I would’ve been very confused just appearing somewhere but since this was probably the fifth time it had happened so I was getting used to it. What really intrigued me was the sac.

I wonder what’s in here. I thought opening it up to view its contents.

Packed inside was a handful of fucking GOLD coins and a folded piece of paper.

My eyes widened in shock. Gold coins? I quickly pulled one out of the bag to inspect. Now I’m not an expert but I’m fairly certain this was a solid gold coin! This is incredible! I quickly unfurrowed the folded note and began reading it.

‘Please don’t spend it all at once, but go out, explore the city, and enjoy yourself!

-Princess Luna’

My excitement quickly deflated like an untied balloon. This city is full of more fucking insane ponies! I screeched internally as I looked around me at the many staring ponies. Ugggggg!

“Hi.” I said with my best smile and a small wave.

A little filly spoke up. “Mommy what’s that?” It was quickly hushed as the parent pushed them along.

The others lost interest. All but one actually. A mint-green unicorn looked as though she was losing her mind. She was spazzing out in the middle of the street for at least a minute before she stopped and just stared at him.

I sighed again. Alright, time to explore this amazing city full of pastel colored ponies of doom.

So I wandered the streets aimlessly. I absolutely refused to enter any establishments or stores for fear of being forced into a conversation with these absurd creatures. Thanks for the money Luna but I really won’t be needing it.

So I mostly stayed to the edge of the sidewalk or near the walls of buildings. All I had to do was endure this hell for a little while then I could walk back to the castle and pretend I had enjoyed myself. Luna would be happy, her sister wouldn’t boil me alive and I wouldn’t have to deal with anymore shithead guards until tomorrow!

The only problem was the creepy unicorn that was currently following me thinking I hadn’t noticed her. I then got distracted by a group of ponies gathered in a circle in the middle of a plaza.

Two skinny yellow ponies with hats were wooing the crowd with a new product. I assumed they were salesman with they way they were animatedly talking about it and the fact that the other one was holding out there hat asking for money.

“A-are you real?” I heard a voice say as I was tapped on the back.

“Gah!” I quickly turned around and saw a mint green unicorn with amber eyes staring at her hooves like she’d just touched jesus.

Alright I’ve just about had it with these ponies! “Alright, look you amber eyes mine greent freak. I’m really not in the mood for people to be questioning if I exists, I’ve already been fucked with by the solar guard, almost been torn to shreds by some black vines, and my only friend ate me about three days ago.” I said my voice rising in volume.

“So you want to see if I’m real huh?!” I picked the mare up, gave her a little squeeze and then put her back down on the sidewalk. “Does that answer your fucking question?!”

Before she could have responded I spoke up, “Good! Now have a nice day!” I then turned and continued my little stroll down the roads of hell.

A few seconds later I heard. “Yahooo!! I’m not crazy!!!!” In the distance.

No you’re not. I am. I thought as I stomped down the street.

There were endless shops, stalls and ponies. Ponies that kept staring at me! Stop looking at me you four legged fucks!

Finally I spotted a way off the streets full of stares. Nearby was library.

Glancing around at the other ponies lining the streets (Most of them still staring by the way) I decided it would be in my best interest to seek refuge within the confines of this seemingly destitute establishment.

I headed in and immediately noticed the librarian at the front desk who glared at me as I walked by.

Well what did I do to you you old hag! I waved as I meandered my way in between the many bookshelves lining the library. Out of curiosity I picked one up. Understanding Mare’s: A beginners guide to a successful relationship Huh? Yeah no. I thought quickly putting the book back in its place on the shelf.

I moved forward a little ways and spotted a very worn looking book. It had a black cover with some weird worn symbol on it. What’s this? I thought reaching over and pulling it out. Runes and Hexes: A guide to understanding ancient writings. I flipped it open and found pages upon pages full of fascinating weird symbols and drawings along with a decoder telling the reader what they meant. This is incredible! I thought flipping through the book with childlike wonder.

But there’s no way the librarian will let me take this or anything out of this place based on the look she was giving me on the way in. With a dejected sigh I gently placed the book back on the shelf. I’ll just have to come back for it later.

I continued my walk through the library but not a single book caught my interest like the one I’d just returned. They just didn’t have the same intrigue to them and some of them had ridiculous or cliched titles like Those left behind, Change, and the problem of evil. Seriously, who names their book that?

Having wandered through the library for who knows how long I decided it was time to leave.

As I walked out I spotted the mint unicorn looking around until she spotted me and hid. This time she had a notepad and a camera in her magical grasp. Ponies really suck at hiding. Like terribly bad. What’s odd is the fact that no one else even acknowledged that she was there. It’s like she was freaking Invisible to them!

Well isn’t this just dandy, I’ve got a pony stalker on me now! Maybe she won’t follow me far. With that thought in mind I continued my leisure stroll through this pony infected city.

Every once in a while the pony’s camera would flash. Nobody noticed. I then watched as she got tackled to the ground by a dark blob. There was tussle and then the mint pony was dragged away by some sort of vampire looking pony.

What the fuck? I thought ai I stared blankly at the empty space the mint mare had just occupied. Did she just get dragged off by the pony mafia?! If so I ain’t sticking around around to find out! I quickly sprinted down the street.

After I’d run a few blocks through town I stopped and tried to get my bearings, I was mainly hoping to find the castle. Lucky it wasn’t hard to spot. It was the only true golden building in the capitol.

I had set my sights on it and I began running toward it. Sure I got turned around a few times. But eventually I made it to the front gate.

At the gate there were two golden armored guards standing on both sides. Like before they stared straight ahead not moving and barely blinking..

Nope I ain’t bothering with you fuckers anymore. Without saying a word I walked right past them. And if they start following me so help me god!

I reached for the door and pulled on the handle. The door didn’t budge. No matter how hard I pulled it wouldn’t open.

“Son of a-” You’ve got to be kidding me.Why is everything here against me? I really didn’t want to ask the guards for help as they’d probably be of no use but my options were fairly limited at the moment.

With a groan I addressed them, “So what’s the deal here fellas? Am not allowed access or am I being an idiot right now?”

They just stood there with grins. The assholes. Not a single response. There were a few giggles from a few ponies behind us though.

“Alright so I’m the idiot huh? Why don’t you two just fucking say it to my face? Oh Wait!” I said as I booped one of them on the nose. “That’s right you won’t say shit, In fact I don’t think either of you actually have vocal-chords in those necks of yours. I don’t think you two can even move, your muscles are probably atrophied from all the sitting on your ass you and your fellow “guards” do!”

While they still didn’t acknowledge me, my comment sure did wipe the grin off their faces.

“Oh okay, so I’m not worth your fucking time either huh? You won’t even respond to me, I could probably punch one of you in the face and you wouldn’t even twitch. Can you even defend the palace your guarding? I don’t think so, your whole guard is a group of dickheads who probably know less words than a baby. ” My rant over I stomped away from the guards boiling with rage.

I decided to sit in a nearby grass patch and wait for the door to open.

It was starting to get late as the sun began to fall below the horizon making way for the moon. The activity in the city began to die down as the sun set. Shops closed, the once full streets began to empty and I saw one of the guards yawn. So you DO emote huh?

Soon a loud bell rang from the castle. Confused I watched the two solar guards from earlier PUSH the door open--You’ve got to be kidding me! It was a push door?!--As two new bat looking guards replaced them.

Cursing my stupidity I walked over to the door and PUSHED it this time.

Inside was a huge room with a glass dome ceiling and gold plating lining part of the walls.

“Heel Klein?” I turned and saw a cyan colored maid looking at me nervously.

“Yeah that’s me. What is it?”

“Princess Luna wishes to speak with you.”

Oh boy, what does Luna want this time? I thought as the maid returned to her duties Sure hope I remember where her room is.

Luckily after a few minutes of walking and only getting turned around once I found myself in front of a familiar door with a moon painted above it.

Alright, round 2. I knocked on the door.

The door opened and inside I found Luna and another familiar face. The mint unicorn from before with the biggest ‘I’m in deep shit’ smile I had ever seen. “We welcome you back to our lovely abode. Did you enjoy yourself today?” Luna asked.

Fuck no “Yeah, it was fine.” I said with a smile before I turned to the mint green unicorn. “And who the hell are you? Didn’t I watch you get dragged off earlier when you thought I couldn’t see you following me?”

“Wait? You could see me? How did-“ the mint mare started only to be cut off by Luna.

“This is Lyra Heartstring. I have asked her to help study you-” She paused as she tried to get the alien word out of her mouth. “-hoomans. As me and my sister no nothing about you or your species.” This made the mint mare almost bug out with a huge smile.

Ooookay, that’s not creepy at all. “Oh, that’s uh, great.” This mare is gonna be such a pain in the ass. “So, do I have a room or somewhere to sleep because I’m exhausted.”

Luna answered with “Indeed you do! It’s the next door over to the left! Now Lyra. Do you accept this offer to study our dear hooman here?”

Lyra was practically bouncing in place at this point. “Hands! I-I mean yes! I would love to study the han-ooman!”

Luna gave her a strange look but disregarded it. “Aaanyhow… you may visit anytime you like. Just… knock first.”

“Oookay, I’ll remember that.” I said as I looked between the two mares. An awkward silence soon followed.

“Alright then, looks like we’re done here. I’m gonna go now soooo Yeah, goodnight you two.” I quickly exited the room and entered mine flopping down on the bed.

The bed was amazing! And now that I look around the room it appeared to be better than any lucturally hotel. There were two doors on the wall left of the main door that were closed. A dark oak desk with a few nick-nacks in the corner left side of the wall opposite of the main door. Next to the desk is a glass paned doorway leading to a balcony. My king sized bed is on the right wall to the main door. The entire room was night themed like Luna’s.

Ya know, if it wasn’t for the insane ponies and dickhead guards this place would be great. As I lay on the bed it had slowly became harder to keep my eyes open. This is actually a really comfortable bed. Maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad.

With that last thought I fell into the peaceful embrace of sleep.

Something was moving my hand.

I slowly opened my eyes to see the mint green unicorn rubbing her face against my fingers like a cat with her eyes closed.

Alright I take it back, today is not going to be better. I coughed grabbing her attention, “What are you doing?”

Her eyes shot open. She quickly jumped down to the floor, and somehow scurried under the bed with impossible speed. She ranks a zero in sneak skill.

I sighed before reaching under the bed and pulling her out by her tail. “You really need to work on your sneakiness you know that? If you really thought I didn’t know you were down there then your fucking stupid.”

“I totally wasn’t here all night playing with your hands!” She squeaked covering her face with her hooves.

All NIGHT?! I pulled her close staring her directly in the eyes. “Are you telling me that you’ve been in my room all night watching me sleep and messing with hands?” I narrowed my eyes at her.

She peeked at me from behind her hooves. “Yes?”

“Ooooo” I said with a chuckle. “Well that’s perfectly fine then!” I said briefly as I loosened my grip on her tail.

“It is?!” She exclaimed surprised before chuckling, “And I was so worried.” She said rolling her hoof as relief washed over her. She then looked back at her tail.

“Umm, can you not let go? That feels really good for some reason…”

I let go of her tail at once my voice rising in volume and rage. “ALRIGHT LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE DINER MINT! If you really think I’m okay with you fucking stalking me in my sleep just so you can mess with my hands you’ve got another thing coming!” I said practically screaming in her face.

“If I catch you in here again without my knowledge or consent. I don’t know what I’ll do but you won’t like it! AM. I. CLEAR?!”

She got a really shiteaten grin on her face. “What are going to do? Spank me?” She asked shivering while wiggling her butt at me. Suddenly the door swung open revealing a very angry and confused looking Luna.

“Oh we see how it is!” She screamed slamming the door shut. Lyra stared at the door confused.

Jesus Christ! I looked at Lyra again. “Fuck you.” I said before quickly chasing after Luna. Luna’s the only thing keeping me alive in this place!

The bat guards stationed outside luna’s room were both giving me the stink eye. “What did you do?!” The one closest to me demanded.

I quickly fell on my knees before the guard, “Please man you gotta let me in there! She’s the only thing keeping me alive in this damn place and if her sister finds out I’m gonna turn into a pile of ash!” I shook her as I spoke. “Open the damn door!”

She looked at me confused. “What in Celestia?” She then sighed and stepped aside. “It’s up to her if you get in or not. Hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

I quickly darted over to the door and gave it a firm knock. “Luna?! You in there?”

“Go away!” She replied through the door.

“Luna it’s not what it looks like! That fucking green diner mint snuck into my room and was messing with my fucking hands all night!”

“And you enjoyed every second of it! Why her over us!” She asked as she began crying “You are the first we have ever had a chance of a relationship with! And you push us away for another mare!” She was bawling.”

Suddenly the temperature in the room began to rise in a very unnatural way. Shit, her sister is coming! I’m gonna burn alive if I don’t get Luna to open this damn door!

Getting desperate I slammed both my hands on the door. “Luna listen to me. You’re going to open the door and we’re going to talk about this like the civil adults we are okay? OKAY?!”

Suddenly I was yanked through the door face to face with a furious Luna. “WHO ARE YOU TO TELL US WHAT TO DO?! YOU ARE A PIECE OF BUCKING SHIT WHO...who…” She then resumed her sobbing as she wrapped me in a extra tight wing-hug. “Why Heel? Why?”

“Oh thank you so much Luna!” I said almost crying, “She almost got me but then you opened the door! Holy shit!” I yelled returning her embrace while I got my nerves under control.

“And to answer your question, I didn’t pick that green piece of shit over you! I woke up with her nuzzling my fucking hands, she’s obsessed with them for some reason!”

She didn’t say anything for a few seconds as she calmed herself down. “Truly?” She whispered over my shoulder.

“Yes, yes truly.” I said silently thanking whatever being controlled this world for their grace.

“But… who almost got you? Is someone after you that we do not know of?” She said over my shoulder as she refused to break the hug.

Shiiiiiiiiiit. “Ah, what? Nononono I was just a little panicked is all. Nothing to worry about.” I said as confidently as I could.

Still not breaking the hug she replied more sternly. “No. We know what we heard. Who is after you?” She hugged me tighter the more I tried to break the embrace.

“Look Luna now really isn’t a good time, we’re both stressed it’s been a long morning and I could really go for some breakfast right now okay?”

“...Okay. Right after you answer us. Don’t think we don’t recognize when someone is hiding something.” She seemed to be getting more and more annoyed the more I tried to steer away from the subject.

“A-alright look, there’s this uh, white creature that’s uh watching my every move and I uh, have to kee- I have to do a certain thing before it will leave me alone.” I said hoping that answer was sufficient enough.

“Interesting…” she said thoughtfully. “And what is it that it wants you to do?”

“It uh, it uhhhhhh.” My words failed me. I can’t say what it wants me to do! Then she’ll think this relationship is fake! Awww what do I do!

“It wants me to keep someone happy.” Please be satisfied.

“Hmmm… we don’t like it. We shall consult with our sister about this. Maybe get you a personal guard just to be safe. Is there anything else you would like to tell us before you go?”

Oh please help me get out of here I’m gonna die at the hands of your sister and probably end up in a asylum somewhere! “No, I’m fine now, thank you for listening to me.” I said looking away.

“Alright… you may go if you wish. Although you can stay just the same.” She said still refusing to let go.

“I-I uh, No it’s fine, I’ll stay.” I said as I slumped in her embrace. This is kinda nice actually.

“Is there anything you would like to converse about? Actually whatever happened to that horn you were carrying around?” She said happily now that I stayed longer. And now that I think about it. Where is the horn?

“I, I don’t know actually.” Where had I left it? Was it next to the bed? Did that diner mint steal it?!

“So you lost it? Already? But we even… never mind… So what were you going to do with it anyways?” She asked.

“I’m pretty sure it’s just sitting next to the bed? I can’t really remember, I just flopped down on the bed and fell asleep almost immediately.” I replied honestly.

“As for what I was going to do with it?.I don’t know, I just really wanted it when I found it for some reason.”

“Hmm? Strange.” She replied thoughtfully, “ so are you attracted to others horns?” She asked slowly/

“...” Daaaaafaaaa?

“Ummm, No?” I said a little unnerved at the thought.

“Oh, ok.” She sounded strangely disappointed. “So…. Anything you wish to talk about…”

“I… I should get going.” I said as I gently pushed her away trying to escape her embrace.

She gave me a pouty face and sighed. “If you must…”

“Y-yes, I must.” I started for the door before I remembered what I was going to ask her earlier, “Actually, do you know where I can get some food around here?”

“Oh! Yes! Inside your room there should be a bell. If you ring it a maid will be summoned. Or you could just go to the cafeteria yourself or find a maid in the halls.” She went on eventually rolling her hoof as she listed the different ways to summon the great foodstuffs.

“Okay okay I got it Luna, please calm down.” I said trying to contain the very animated mare.

She let out a huff. “Very well. We shall let you go off.” She yawned. “This isn’t very normal for us. We normally sleep in the daytime. Well good night my dear Heel.” She waved me off as she went to her bed.

She’s nocturnal? That’s, interesting… After that revelation I turned and exited the room.

As I exited the still open doors from Luna’s room I came face to chest with a giant white horse who I still didn't have a name for… “You are very lucky you cheered her up. If you hadn’t you would have been ash by now.” As she said that she got into my face and quietly teleported once she finished talking.

The guard from before spoke up. “What did you do to get on Celestia’s shit list?”

Celestia? That’s whose been tormenting me? At least I finally have a name. “I apparently committed the worst crime of all.” I said as I began to walk away.

“I existed.”

As I went to enter my room I heard the guards whisper. “Do I really sound that much like a stallion?”

“I don’t get paid enough for this…”

I quickly found the bell Luna had talked about and rang it. Now look, I don’t like talking to ponies anymore than necessary but my options were limited. Either I go to a cafeteria probably full of the little devils or I ring a little bell and only get one.

Which one do you think I’m gonna pick?

Almost instantly a knocking sound was heard from the door. “Room service.”

That quick?! I stumbled over to the door and swung it open.

My vision was greeted with the lovely sight Lovely Break standing in the doorway a huge ass smile on her face. “Oh my! Want me already? That’s a new record.”

You’ve got to be kidding me. “Oh hello Lovely Break, I hope your day is going well.” I said with a very friendly smile. “Please do tell me what’s on the menu for food. And no, I don’t want to fucking eat you out so don’t even think about being cheeky with me.”

She puckered her lips. “We’ve only met once and you can already read me like a book.” She said pouting but she quickly brightened up again.. “As for food, all you have to do is ask, if we aren’t able to get it we will let you know. And don’t worry about paying, we were informed that the princesses will be covering you.”

That’s great! I thought since I didn’t know how far the handful of coins Luna had given me would take me.“Hmmm well if that’s the case.” I said tapping my chin thoughtfully. “I’ll take 64 Blueberry muffins, 3 cakes, a slab of meat, two loaves of bread, and five sticks of butter.” I flashed her a smile.

She just gave me a flat look. “You don’t have to be a smart ass. And yes we can deliver all of it. It’s called magic honey. Now how about your actual order.”

Wow, that’s an incredible thought. “Alright alright, three blueberry muffins, an apple, and two carrots.” Gotta stay healthy if I’m gonna be running for my life all the time.

“Very well. It should be done in about ten minutes. Is there anything else I can personally help you with?” She gave me a sultry look and swished her tail back and forth.

“Hmmmmm.” I said making a show of thinking about it. “Nope.”

She dropped the act with a huff. “You’re no fun. Alright I better get back to my duties” She waved goodbye before heading off to who knows where.

I closed the door and headed over to the desk. Pulling out the chair I sat down. I should probably find that unicorn horn. And come to think of it, I’m fairly certain the pouch of coins is in here somewhere as well.

Standing back up I began my search.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Gah!” I screamed in surprise while frantically looking around the room.. “When did you get there?!” I questioned staring wide-eyed at the diner mint sitting on my bed.

She just looked confused. “I’ve been here since you left. Did you really not notice me? I wasn’t even trying to hide.”

“You just surprised me is all.” I said as I crouched down to search under the bed.

“What are you looking for?”

“That’s none of your business.” I grunted in response as I felt around with my hand. Ah ha! I think I found it.

I reached my hand as far as I could and pulled the object out from under the bed.

This was definitely not a horn, but a different part of equine anatomy. Now you might be asking yourself what this body part was; let me tell you. It was a fucking horse dildo.

As soon as Lyra saw it her eyes widened and she quickly ripped it out of my hands before tossing it out the window. “That definitely isn’t mine.” She blabled nervously.

Was that? Did she, what?! “I didn’t see shit.” I said as I quickly scrubbed the memory with mental bleach.

I decided the bed wasn’t the safest place to search for missing items so I instead continued my search around the bed. Let’s see here, perhaps the desk?

I went over to the desk and as I began rummaging around in the drawers.

“Ehemm.” I heard a male voice coming from the balcony.

With a frustrated huff I went over to the door leading to the balcony and pulled it open.

Low and behold a Pegasus guard landed on the balcony with the dildo perched on his spear.

“Is this yours?!” He shouted clearly very pissed. Then again who wouldn’t be?

“LYRA!” I screamed. “Take back your damn horse penis and then get the fuck out of my room!”

The guard looked across the room. “There’s no one here. Quit your games you gay bastard and take your toy!”

Son of a-

Author's Note

Behold! Chapter 2! Gosh this is an adventure.