-Bitch!

I won’t forget this diner mint. I thought bitterly before turning my attention to the guard on my balcony.

“Just leave it on the fucking balcony and I’ll return it to its rightful owner.” I said exasperated.

He instantly got more pissed. “You think I’m going to touch your bucking toy!? Take it before I shove it up your ass!”

“Maybe your the gay bastard considering how you just described using it on me! Just set it on the balcony you feather brain!” I yelled breathing heavily.

“You motherbucker! You know what!” He threw his spear at me causing the toy horse cock to slip off and smack me in the face. “Eat that you bitch!” He then spun around and flew off the balcony.

“Come back here you piece of shit!” I yelled running a couple steps after him. I gave up when I reached the edge of the balcony. Shit, what am I supposed to do with this thing? I wondered looking at it in disgust.

There is no way in hell I’m touching that! But at the same time I can’t just leave it out here. That left only one option. I had to find Mrs. diner mint and make her take it back!

I quickly rushed back inside and slammed the door to my room wide open.

“LYRA! YOU BETTER COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!” I screamed while running through the hallway searching for the mint colored mare.

All that greeted me was an almost empty hallway. The only ponies around were maids running back and forth doing who knows what. Probably cleaning.

Alas, Lyra was nowhere in sight so I returned to my room. I have to get this thing out of here before anyone comes back.

As I was thinking this over someone knocked on the door. What? Who could that be? Maybe the diner mint has finally come back!

I quickly flung open the door my mouth open ready to spew a thousand curses on the mint green mare.

“Here’s your order sir.” A way to cheerful voice said.

Huh? I thought confused my mind halting for a few minutes. There in the doorway stood Lovely Break with a platter of food balanced on her back . Shit I left the balcony door open!

“O-Oh, Hi Lovely Break!” I said quickly stepping fully into the doorway hoping to block her view. “I thought you were someone else.”

She looked disappointed. “So… You didn’t want to fuck my cunt hole like the pervert I am?”

“Fuck no. Anyhow, thank you for the food.” I said quickly grabbing the trey. “Cya around!” I flashed her a big smile before stepping back and closing the door.

The food smelled and looked amazing especially the three blueberry muffins. What wasn’t amazing was the door that burst open smacking me in the side and launching the delectable food off towards the horse cock that was still sitting on the balcony.

“So where is this ‘creature’ that intends on marrying Aunty Luna?!”

“Excuse me” I said in a flat tone. “Has anyone ever taught you the concept of knocking before barging into someone’s room?”

A white stallion with a blonde mane walked through the door. “What the buck is that THING?!”

“You mean me?” I deadpanned looking at him annoyed.

He gave me a bamboozled look. “It speaks?!”

“Alright buddy. I don’t know who you are and frankly I don’t care. Get the fuck out of my room, you’ve already ruined my breakfast!”

I have a tendency of pissing these white motherfuckers off apparently as he was not happy. “I. Am. Not. Your. Buddy. I am the prince of Equestria! And I don’t like you! So why don’t you go back to your cave you freak!”

Alright, I’m not gonna sit here and deal with this ponies bullshit. I think it’s time someone learned a lesson! Winding back my arm I punched the so called “prince of Equestria” in the face.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’VE JUST ABOUT HAD IT WITH YOU PONIES!”

“YOU DISGUSTING FREAK! I'LL HAVE YOU SENT TO TARTARUS FOR THAT!” He yelled quickly darting out the door, “AUNTIE CELESTIA!”

“Come back here you bitch!” I screamed chasing after him.

“BUCK YOU! GUARDS! HELP!” Suddenly Out of nowhere multiple guards were behind me.

Thank goodness most were normal guards. But sadly there was a Pegasus who was much faster. “Hey!” He called out smirking while pointing the dull end of his spear at me, “Guess I will be shoving something up your ass today!”

Where the fuck did they come from?! I thought in a panic as I kept chasing after the white pony who had ruined my breakfast and insulted me in one go.

There’s got to be a way to lose these guys, but what?

Unfortunately no answer presented itself. Instead I tripped over a bunched up section of carpet and was brutally violated by a spear.

“Ha ha! Got em!” Ahhhhh! FUCK THAT HURTS. At least it was thin… Unfortunately it appears the little bitch found Celestia.
.
“Auntie! Auntie! He attacked me! He attacked royalty! That’s treason! Send him to Tartarus!”

“Excuse me?!” I yelled staggering to my feet. “You just barged into my room without even knocking and insulted me! I ain’t gonna take that shit!”

Celestia sighed. “Blueblood You can’t send everything you don’t like to Tartarus. Last time you tried to banish a filly!” She said exasperated.

“It’s about time somepony taught you a lesson. Maybe I should reward whoever gave you something to think about other then your multiple mare friends!” She then looked over and saw me.

Her eyes widened and I swear she was going to blow up.

She plastered a totally real smile on her face before speaking, “Ah, Heel! I suppose we can discuss this reward alone. Please head back to your room and I’ll be there shortly.”

“O-oh there’s no need for a reward your highness.” I said trying to escape being in a room with her alone.

Her eye twitched. “Oh no. I would like to thank you personally. I insist.” The guard fucking yanked his spear out without warning.

Huuuggg My face scrunched up in pain. “W-w-well.” I choked out. “I-if you insists princess.” I then stumbled my way down the hallway back to my room.

My ass stings like a bitch tho… I made it back to my room without a problem.

Inside I found Lyra sitting on the floor eating the last muffin. Wait… where’d the dildo go?

“THERE YOU ARE!” I yelled pointing an accusatory finger at her. Before she could run I charged forward and grabbed her by her tail.

“Alright listen up diner mint! Celestia is going to be here any second to “reward” me for knocking some sense into Blueblood. So you’re going to be on your best behavior and NOT. FUCK. THIS. UP.”

I then let go of her tail. “Do you understand me?”

With her mouth stuffed full of muffin she nodded. He eyes widened as she pointed towards the balcony with a forhoof.

I directed my attention to the balcony fearing what I’d see.

There was nothing there. As I look back I saw Lyra running out of the room. I also found the horse dildo. She was using it.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! SHE FUCKED IT UP! Moving quickly I ran over to the dildo, picked it up, ran out onto the balcony, and threw it as far as I could.

I can hear someone walking in through the door. I turn to see Celestia with Lyra upside down in her magical grasp. “Today has been such a long day…”

She’s already here!? “You’re telling me.” I said flopping down onto the bed.

She sighed sitting down. “You know… Blueblood is such an annoyance. I have never met such an intolerable pony in a millennia! And honestly I do think I should reward you. As a reward I promise that you will never die by my hooves.”

I stared at her mouth agape. She’s not going to incinerate me? EVER?!

“HOLY SHIT!” I yelled jumping up with the goofiest grin ever on my face.

In my excitement I ran over and hugged, actually HUGGED Celestia almost crying. “Thank you so much! Now I can get out of this cursed place! I don’t have to court Luna or deal with those dick head guards of yours anymore!” I exclaimed the excitement making me shake.
“I’VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!” I roared with glee.

In an instant the room was boiling hot.

“So what you’re saying is, you don’t love my sister and you have been using her love towards you as a shield against me?!” She roared enraged.

“I’ll have you know I can put you through things far worse than death! Now, convince me not to show you what I mean!” She screeched. Her mane was literally on fire now and I had to backup or risk melting alive.

Lyra was on the edge of pissing herself from fear and the inability to leave.

“What’s your deal Princess! First you seem angry that I’m somehow courting your sister and now that I’ve said I don’t want to you still want to incinerate me! ALL YOU PONIES ARE FUCKING INSANE GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I screamed before running to the edge of the balcony. I’ve got to get out of here!

“For your information. I am mad because you are USING MY SISTER! YOU BITCH! Actually… that’s a great punishment!” Her magic flares up and I’m painfully transformed into a dog. A FEMALE dog at that.

What? What did she do to me! Why is everything getting taller?! WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME!

Lyra finally pissed herself. Celestia wore a huge evil grin as her horn began to glow a golden hue. “Enjoy being a bitch! It’s time for you and your pet to leave!”

The world swirled around me and I soon found myself in a very familiar looking forest.

HAHA this is just great! I said dying on the inside. I’m a fucking bitch and I’m in this DAMN FOREST AGAIN! FUUUUUU-

I heard some rustling behind me and quickly spun around to see what it was. My eyes were greeted with the wooden dog I’d rescued from this place ages ago.

“And What the fuck do you want!” I yelled, or rather barked at the dog in question.

“Who the fuck are you? Bitch.” The pink fluffy wood dog said to me. Somehow. What the fuck?

Whaaaaaa? Klein.exe has crashed.

“Wati wait wait wait, you can understand me? And I can understand you?!” I asked flabbergasted.

“What? Why wouldn’t you be able to understand me? We are both dogs. Now who are you?” He said getting annoyed.

“Look, I really don’t want to deal with you right now, especially since you fucking bit into my ass on the moon and wouldn’t let go. But Celestia turned me into a fucking dog and I really am dying on the inside right now due to losing my dick so basically what I’m telling you is.” I paused exasperated.

“Fuck off.”

“Wait… that means… YOU!” He fucking tackled me. Fortunately he wasn’t able to do anything due to me being slightly bigger than him and the fact that he was basically a poodle. He bounced off me landing on his back a few feet away unable to get up like a turtle.

“That was pathetic.” I said stumbling over to him. As it turns out going from two legs to four is quite the jarring transition.

“What did you think would happen? Look at you, now you can’t get up like a fucking turtle!”

“Fuck you!” He tried to roll over but failed multiple times. He cursed to himself. “Fffuck… I-I need help.” He said defeated.

“And tell me.” I said stopping next to him. “Why the fuck should I help you?” I asked narrowing my eyes at him.

“Because I actually know where we are. I also know how to stay alive out here.” He gave me an arrogant look.

Mother fucker. I thought disgusted at the idea of helping this sorry ball of sticks and cotton. Unfortunately this was turning out to be my only option. He was right, I didn’t even know what this place was, much less how to survive in it.

I snorted annoyed, “Fine, I’ll help you up you sorry fuck.” Using my paws and my face I helped the sorry bastard get to his feet. Or is it paws now?

“Welp I’m going to find my parents. Have fun now.” He then started walking away.

“Hey! You come back here!” I yelled chasing after him.

He sped up ducking under a low hanging leaf that slapped me in the face. “No I’m going to see mom and dad! Fuck off!”

“Listen here buddy!” I yelled tackling him sending us tumbling into a nearby bush. “I didn’t help you get back on your feet just so you could tell me to fuck off!”

“No!” He started struggling. “I need to get to them!” The more he fought to get out the more entangled he got.

“Stop struggling you idiot!” I screamed at him trying to pin him down so he’d stop moving. Unfortunately all that amounted to was him getting tangled up further.

“No! I have to get to them!” He started tearing up. “They can’t be gone! I have to go help them!” He continued fighting both me and the bush.

“What the hell are you talking about?!” I yelled redoubling my efforts to pin him down. “Who’s gone?”

“Go away!” He swung his paw at me landing a solid hit on my face stunning me for a bit. suddenly he calmed down and fell into a state of deep depression. “Mom. Dad. You can’t be gone. Come back…” he then broke down into tears.

I was surprised at this revelation and I began to feel sorry for the little guy. But what could I do about it? I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing even when I was human!

“...” I had nothing to say.

“...Let’s just leave…” he almost whispered to me.

“Well that’s gonna be a bit of a problem.” I deadpanned gnawing on a branch that had wrapped itself around his torso. “You’re tangled up worse than christmas lights!”

He just looked at me. “What the hell is a Christmas?”

“Of course you don’t know what fucking Christmas is.” I mumbled while grabbing a branch with my mouth trying to untangle him. It was a rather difficult task but after a while I managed to loosen a few of the branches and leaves wrapped around him.

“Are you gonna run off the moment I get you untangled?” I asked suspiciously pausing my work.

“...no. Let’s get out of here.” He said slumping.

“Okay, I’ll trust you.” I replied before taking the final branch holding him up in my mouth and yanking on it really hard causing it to snap in half.

The pink porcupine dropped to his paws and started walking behind me. “ follow me.”

I quickly followed after him terrified of what would happen if I was separated from him in this god-forsaken place.

Soon we made it to a familiar path. It was the one that sea monster put me on. “We just need to follow this path and we will make it out.”

“Make it out to where?” I asked following behind him while watching the surrounding overgrowth for any movement.

“Out of the forest dumbass.” He responded not even bothering to look back at me. I could tell that he was still crying slightly.

“Well I knew that!” I said annoyed. “I meant where outside the forest exactly?”

“I don’t know! Some pony village. Fuck I’ve had enough of them…” he seemed to be getting irritated with me.

Shit, I’m fucking this up to! I have to fix this. WIth that thought I grabbed his tail with my mouth. “Alright listen man. I’m sorry If I’m coming off as insensitive about your parents unfortunate demise. But I’m trying not to think about the fact that I’ve lost my dick and the next time Celestia sees me she’s probably going to fry me to a crisp.” Some rustling from a nearby bush made me jump. Fortunately nothing came of it so I continued.

“We’re both dealing with shit at the moment and I really can’t afford to be left alone out here! SO DON’T YOU DARE RUN OFF JUST BECAUSE I’M IRRITATING YOU ALRIGHT?!” I screamed at him breathing heavily.

He suddenly stopped and held a paw out. “Shh… do you hear that?”

“Hear what?!” I whispered back beginning to panic.

The forest was silent. “That. That is the sound of the zero fucks I give.” He then continued walking.

You little piece of shit I retorted internally as I continued to follow him in silence.

The rest of the walk was in complete silence.

Finally we broke the tree-line. A little ways off I could see a small hobbit styled house.

Finally an inhabited building! I thought excitedly as I scampered toward the little home.

A little bunny noticed us and approached. “Who the bloody hell are you lot? Never seen you before.” The little shrimp seemed to be studying me. That is until he saw who I was with.

“Bwahahaha! What da hell is that fuckin thing?! Some killa! He almost looks cuter than me! Ey everyone check out this freak!” Suddenly a huge crowd of other animals burst out of the cottage with curious looks on their faces.

Once they saw the pup they burst out laughing.

“Damn.” I said looking at him, “sucks to be you right now.” I felt kinda bad about not helping him but he had already said he didn’t give a single fuck. And besides, this bunny appeared to be running the operation around here, if I was gonna hide from Celestia then I’d need him to be on my side.

I saw a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane walked out of the house next. “What’s going on out here?” She asked softly.

The little bunny had a little look of panic and turned around quickly. “Flutters!” He then hopped up and hugged her. “ We just saying hi to the nice doggies!” He somehow maneuvered around her head and sat on her back. Giving me a quick warning glare.

Flutters then took note of us and came over to greet us. “ And who might you be?” She said giving us a motherly look.

Oh fuck! It’s another one of these pony creatures. I quickly scrambled behind the pup and pushed him toward the shy little pony. You do the talking this time you little fucker.

“Oh..umm.. I’m Mighty Log. And no I don’t normally look like this.” He said looking away. “Fucking nobles.” He mumbled under his breath.”

He then looked behind him at me. “What are you hiding for?! Get up here!” He then somehow pulled me forward toward the pony.

“Hell no!” I said quickly jumping back my paranoia spiking. “She might be in league with Celestia! I won’t fall for this trap!”

“W-what about the princess and nobles? I-i should go get Twilight…” she backed away and to trot down a pathway.

I quickly sprinted after. “Now hold on just a minute!” I yelled jumping in front of her.

“You don’t have to go get anyone! Just let me hang around for a few days and then I’ll be out of your hair alright?!”

I had what I can only describe as pure instinct to run away almost overtake me. Every other animal in the area. I could feel there bloodlust all directed towards me. Maybe I should leave the pony be.

I chuckled nervously eyeing each of them. “Eh eh, On second thought, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to let you go talk to this, Twilight person.” With another nervous chuckle I stepped out of her way.

“O-ok.. please stay here until I get back. I-if you don’t mind” She then took off down the path.

The moment she was gone my face fell. Dejectedly I walked back to the group of animals and sat down.

“I’m so fucked.” I said sighing.

Mighty just looked at me. “So why are you afraid of this Celestia pony again?”

“She turned me into this fucking FEMALE dog!” I screamed in rage. “Don’t get me wrong though, she tried to incinerate me at least fifty times by now because apparently I’m courting her sister even though I don’t fucking want to! But that’s besides the point.”

The other animals just stared at me. The little bunny hit my leg lightly. “You know what… I just got some respect for you. To go through that. How in the fucking hell did you survive her?! And I am sorry for your loss…” He cringed at the end as he put a paw to his groin. “Only a true man can go on after that…”

“FINALLY! Someone gets it!” I said looking at the bunny.

“No one else did! And now flutters over there is probably going to tell her where I am!” My paranoia once again shot through the roof as I began to frantically look around fearing I’d see the flaming pony of death again.

“What if she’s on her way right now?!” I asked no one in particular my voice rising in pitch toward the end of my sentence.

“You aren’t fucking leaving anyways. Around here Fluttershy’s word is law. You break it, we break you.” The little bunny gave me a terrifying look.

“Y-you can’t be serious? That shy bird has that much power around here?!” I asked staring at the bunny wide-eyed.

“It is. We don’t want another missing animal here now would we?” The cute little bunny threatened.

Shit, even the animals in this place are fucking psychopaths. “Eh eh, no I don’t think we need that at all.” I said laughing nervously.

Well the only option seems to be to sit here and wait for flutters to come back with this Twilight person.

Fluttershy returned shortly with two others. A purple unicorn and a hopping pink pony. I swear I’ve seen that one before. I thought slightly unnerved for some reason.

They seem to be talking in some different language since I can’t make heads or tails of what they’re saying.

. Fluttershy talked to the unicorn until the both of us seemed to float in the air. The unicorn started mumbling to herself as she checked over Mighty. Once she lost interest in him she started looking over to me. She then wore a confused look on her face as she went to speak with Fluttershy.

Aw great, more incapacitating magic and unicorns who are probably fucking obsessed with hands or some shit. Now I’m really screwed. There’s no way I can get out of this! I tried struggling in purple ones magical grasp but as I expected it yielded no results.

Fluttershy looked over to me worried before turning to the unicorn and nodding. Soon enough the unicorn turned towards me and prepared her magic. Mighty was just as worried as I was.

“What is she doing?” And zap. Pain rushed throughout my body. Even when I had been transformed into a dog It hadn’t hurt as much as this. The pain was so great I blacked out.

Author's Note

Finnaly out with a new chapter! Yay!