I was awoken by something small batting at my face. What the hell?

I had no clue what was happening, the last thing I remembered was falling unconscious down in Twilight’s basement.

My eyes still closed I moved my hand up to intercept whatever was batting at my face.

Whatever was smacking me decided that it was time for me to get up now and jumped and stomped on my gut.

“Ugg” I groaned my eyes shooting open. “What the hell man? Ow.”

Mighty then decided to pounce on my head and smack me. He was either really bored or just wanted to see me suffer. Now awake I could see that I was in a library laying on a couch. no biggy.

“Hello?” I asked my throat dry. Why am I in a library? Where’s Luna? Celestia? That weird dragon creature?

Mighty just stared me in the eyes as he sat on my chest. He leaned in closer… and smacked me.

“Ahhh Cut it out Mighty! Why do you gotta slap me like that?!” I said batting him away. “Goodness sakes.” I muttered as I got into a sitting position on the couch I had been laying on.

The pink fluff ball just shrugged before hopping off of me with a tiny toot.

“Aw come on!” I yelled before quickly jumping off the couch and fanning the air around me with my hands. “Whatever that shit is it fuckings stinks.”

Turning my attention back to the room around me that was lined with books I decided to call out again hoping to garner someone's attention. “Hello? Is anyone here?”

As if on queue a light brown pony with a slightly darker mane walked in and stopped when he saw me. “What? You’re not supposed to be here? The bloody hell is going on?” He then went wide eyed and ran out the door as Twilight entered through what seems to be a kitchen.

Twilight noticed him run out. “Time Turner? Oh boy… I hope he didn’t freak out when he saw him.” She looked to me and smiled as she summoned a scroll and quill. “Oh you’re up! Do you feel alright?”

“Could be better.” I replied giving Mighty a nasty look. “But yeah I’m okay. My throat is dry as fuck though, could I get some water perhaps?”

Mighty just looked back and raised his poofy eyebrows for a second. And then tooted again. God they’re just as bad as when I was in that cage.

Twilight got a whiff and blanched. “What is with that dogs farts?! It’s like something died!” She sighed. “I’ll go get some water” she decided to physically get the cup instead of using her magic.

“Geez that smells awful! FUCK” I mumbled still fanning the air around me hoping to dissipate the horrid smell. I should probably wait for Twilight to get back instead of snooping around her home I thought as I sat back down on the little red couch. that’s never turned out well for me.

“Is the smell gone?!” Twilight called from the other room. The stench was lingering as mighty just smiled evilly at me.

“Not quite.” I responded still fanning the area around me. “Wait, why don’t you come in here and use one of your fancy spells like you did last time?”

“Umm…” she walks in and does just that. She looked at me embarrassed. Soon a glass of water floated over to me.

I quickly grabbed the water and drank all of it almost in one gulp. “Ah!” I said slamming the glass down on a nearby wooden table. “That really hit the spot, thank you.”

“You are welcome. So… what are you?” Twilight asked looking very interested in me.

I sighed, “didn’t we already go over this when literally everyone in power was going to kill me down in your basement? I’m a human.” I said waving my arm around lazily in the air. “And apparently the most hated thing in the world.”

“How could I forget!” Twilight practically yelled with a face splitting smile. She then proceeded to ask a boatload of questions. “Where did you come from? What’s it like? What are the appendages on your… forelegs?” Wait where did that quill and parchment come from? She asked all those questions without even breathing while writing on her scroll.

“Woah woah woah! Slow down! Jesus, you really are a nerd aren’t you?” I asked looking at her in surprise.

And just like that a crash is heard from the window and I’m tasting the rainbow. Tastes like, skittles?

“Oow…” The rainbow spoke!
Twilight just stood there surprised not knowing what to do.

Spitting the hair out of my mouth. “Okay, Twilight instead of just sitting on your ass over there looking surprised could you please get the sky off of me?” I asked still a little dazed from the surprise impact.

The sky tensed up and jumped off of me in a blink of an eye. “Sorry! Sorr… hey it’s you!” Twilight facepalmed? Facehooved? Yeah facehooved.

“Hey.” I said tensing up a little as well. I don’t like that tone of voice. “Look, if you’re gonna beat me up like every other pony creature here can you wait until I’ve had something to eat at least?”

“What? No! I mean unless you want to go a round! Then I’ll have you eating the floor! But you are awesome! How did you survive inside Nightmare Moon?!

“Wha?” I asked dumbfounded. A pony who doesn’t want to skin me alive?! I almost fell to the floor at the revelation.

Or was it due to the fact that I was just tackled to the floor? Doesn’t matter.

“Dash!” Twilight sighed. “That’s the second window this week! Can you please not practice in front of the library?”

Dash just waved her hoof at her. “Twilight. That’s what’s insurance is for. Didn't you know that?”

Twilight’s eye twitched and she sighed. “I give up. Anyways this here is Heel. He is a human and I was trying to study him before you dropped in on us.”

“Thanks for that by the way.” I said to the now the named Dash. “Anyhow, what do you creatures eat for breakfast around here? I tried to eat some muffins about.” I paused trying to remember how long ago that noble had destroyed my breakfast with my own door and then promptly gave up continuing anyway.

“Eh i don’t even know, but a noble came in and destroyed my would be breakfast almost as soon as I’d gotten it.” It was at this moment that my stomach decided to growl.

Twilight spoke up first. “Let me take a guess… Blue Blood?” She deadpanned.

“Does he have yellow hair and is racist as buck?”

She just groaned. “What would you like?”

Dash on the other hand spoke up. “Who’s Blue Blood?”

I ignored Dash’s question instead opting to get some food in me. “You wouldn’t happen to have blueberry muffins would you?” Words could not describe how much I wanted some blueberry muffins especially after blueblood destroyed some perfectly edible ones before.

“Yes we do! I only have one left though.” She Summons the tasty treat with Her magic and starts to float it over to me.

I watched it daintily float toward my mouth already watering. That is until a gray blur tackled it out of the air.

“Muffin!!!” Said grey blur smashed into the opposite wall with the entire muffin in her mouth.

We all looked in confusion until Dash spoke up. “Derpy?”

“Oh come one!” I wailed watching the delicious treat be snatched away from me and eaten right in front of me.

That’s when I noticed her eyes. They were pointed in separate directions!

She looked super pleased with herself enjoying MY muffin! She somehow noticed me waved at me a content smile on her face.

Dash sighed. “I’m sorry, she can be a bit of an airhead at times.”

“M-my, my muffin! Such a cruel cruel world!” I said dropping onto a nearby couch in defeat.Someday I thought someday.

Derpy looked worried. “I just don’t know what went wrong!” Dash facehooved.

“We know Derpy, we know…” Dash sighed.

Twilight broke her silence and spoke. “Well… is there anything else you would like?” She cringed.

“Uh, do you have like a burger? Or maybe a steak?” I asked idly looking around the room.

The three of them just stared at me in fear. “What exactly did you say you eat again?” Twilight spoke as she powered up her horn.

“Meat and vegetables why do you as-” I stopped spotting her glowing horn. “Oh fer fucks sake.” I said slumping down into the couch. “Whatevs SparkleButt, make it quick alright?”

Dash got in a defencive stance while Derpy just went back to chewing on my muffin. “Just give me the word Twi and I’ll have him eating dirt in ten seconds flat.”

Twilight on the other hand was having an internal debate. “Wait… we couldn’t do anything to him anyways… he’s a noble. Attacking him would be treason.”

“Oh yeah, I am a noble aren’t I?” I thought rubbing my chin in thought. “Certainly didn’t stop anyone else from kicking me to the dirt though.”

“So I mean yeah Dash you wanna have me eating dirt by all means, I’ve eaten enough earth in the last few days to fill up a whole acre probably. “

Twilight spoke up very concerned. “Wait… who all has hurt you since you became a noble?”

“Eh? Let’s see here.” I said pulling up all the names of the people or ponies that had attacked me from the little folder in my brain. “There was Celestia, You, Blueblood, I technically fought Luna in a dream battle and somehow won, a gangsta rabbit, Mighty, and pretty much every fucking solar guard in that shithole they call a fucking palace.”

Dash looked confused. “Why does it matter, Twi? It’s not the end of the world.”

Twilight on the other hand just plopped on her butt with a thousand yard stare.

The fuck is up with her? Now that they weren’t trying to kill me I stood up and went over to Twilight waving my hand in front of her face.”Hello?! Anyone in there?” She made no indication that she saw or heard me.

“Does this happen often?” I asked turning my attention to Dash.

Dash just shook her head. “Not like this. She normally just freaks out. But I’ve never seen her do this before. Whatever it is it must be a big deal.”

“Any idea what the “big deal” is this time?” I inquired as I absentmindedly began petting Twilight like a cat.

That’s when Twilight snapped out of it and yelled. “You could sue the crown for treason! How could they make such a huge mistake!?” She then continued to mutter to herself like she earned a small white marshmallow room alone.

I could?! Suddenly all the pieces came together in my mind. That’s right, I’m a noble now. I remembered Luna saying something about becoming queen if I married her. The possibilities were truly endless!

I had to fight really hard to keep a smirk from forming on my face but I managed as I continued to pet Twilight like a cat.

“Relax Twilight, I would never do such a thing, Sure I’m angry at them but I’m still alive! And at the end of the day that’s all that really matters. So don’t go crazy on me alright?”

She sighed deeply. “Thank Celestia! I guess you really aren’t evil.” She said giving me a small smile. “So are you still hungry?” She questioned.

I opened my mouth to respond but was cut off “And no meat!” She practically yelled at me looking nervous at the mention of it..

“Well, what do have available since my muffin meet an untimely demise.” I asked shelving my plans away for later.

“Well… I could make you something.” Twilight thought out loud.

Dash jumped on that tho. “Don’t do it! She can’t cook for her life!”

“Huh?” I asked looking at Dash. I thought all girls could cook good. “It can’t be that bad.”

Dash shook her head and walked up to me and whispered. “Not only was it moving. I swear it tried to talk…”

Twilight cut in. “What are you whispering?”

I looked at dash with wide eyes before whispering back, “Are you fucking serious?”

Dash just looked me in the eyes. “I honestly wish I was joking. The worst part was when Rarity took a bite before it started moving. Now if she even hears about Twilight’s cooking she faints on the spot.”

Twilight was getting annoyed now. “Hey?! What are you whispering?!” Meanwhile Derpy was crawling out the window that was next to the door. Fuck. And she doesn’t even hide her lady bits… not what I wanted to see.

“Nothing important Twilight.” I said trying to get the image of derpy’s bits out of my mind. “Just discussing some eh, different food options than home cooking.” I said with a smile.

She then squinted her eyes at Dash. “You’re talking about the incident aren’t you?”

Dash went wide eyed and refused to look her in the eyes. “N-no! That would be not cool! And I’m totally cool!”

Twilight growled a bit. “I thought we agreed to never speak of that again?!” She started walking towards Dash with a menacing look on her face.

Dash looked over at me. “Well look at the time!” She said looking at her forehoof. “I gotta dash! Cya human!” In a blur of speed she was off the ground and out the door.

“Get back here!” Twilight quickly gave chase but sighed in defeat when she realized Dash was long gone.

“Someday I’ll learn a wing spell and I’ll chase you down!” She said staring angrily at the open door. “Wonder what I’ll do when I catch you.”

I stared at her, then at the door dash had just dashed out of. “Ooookay then, do you have a carrot or something like that?” I asked hoping to get some food and divert her attention.

She just groaned. “Are you sure you don’t want me to make you something?” She looked at me in desperation.

“Look Twilight, I’m sure you’re a, fine cook but I really just want something simple okay? A carrot, maybe an apple?” I asked with a semi-strained smile.

“Ooo what if I make you a muffin?! I know you wanted one!” She was bouncing slightly on her hooves.

“Ehhh I uh,” I can’t be rude. And she really wants to do it, but based on what Dash said… Eh screw it, It can’t be THAT bad right?

“Okay fine Twilight, you can make me a muffin.” I said with a sigh. I really hope I don’t regret this.

“Eeeeee!!!” She was almost bouncing off the walls with excitement. “I can try that spell again!” With that she darted into a nearby room which I assumed was the kitchen.

Now let me tell you, I don’t know what the fuck is going on in there, but it’s like a club show in there! The amount of different colored lights flashing from the doorway is almost blinding!

The light show went on a little while longer before Twilight came back with a pan of six, blue, no wait green, no that’s yellow, what?! They kept changing colors! That’s when the smell hit. It was like one of Mighty’s farts times six.

It was horrid! Mighty actually ran and jumped out the window.

I stared at the plate defeated. I regret this. “O-oh, finished already huh?” I said chuckling while looking at the plate of muffins with morbid curiosity. I have to eat that?! FUCK.

“Go on, take a bite!” She seemed so excited too. And then one popped. Fucking skittles flew everywhere. Twilight looked confused as fuck as she floated a few over to look at. “What are these?”

“You don’t know what a skittle is?” I asked looking at her flabbergasted. I then grabbed one inspecting it. I mean it looks like a normal skittle. But then again Twilight did use magic on it…

Twilight was confused now. “I’ve never heard of it. What is it?”

“Well, it’s a candy, it normally taste quite good.” I said turning the skittle in my hand around still unsure. “But you did you some of your fancy magic on it so I’m not sure how this particular batch will taste.” The more I look at it the more I want to eat it!

She just looks at it for a few moments then tossed one in her mouth. She then fell to the floor shivering and moaning. “This is the best thing I have ever tasted!” And I think she just came…

I stared at Twilight my mouth agape. Did she just fucking orgasm to a skittle? My mind has officially broken. “Twi? What the fuck? How did? WHAT?!”

I sighed rubbing my forehead with my hand. “You know what? Forget it, nothing in this world makes any fucking sense.” I then looked at the skittle I was holding. Alright, this thing is magically fucked up, I ain’t eating this! I moved to toss the tiny treat away but then an Idea hit me.

Ya know what, these good be rather useful. With that thought in mind I moved around the room and picked up a handful of the magically infused skittles.

“Hey Twilight, You got a container I could put these in or something?”

All I got in response was a pleasured moan. Spike walked in though. And then promptly left without a word.

Alright I guess she’s a little preoccupied at the moment. Guess I’ll just have to find a container on my own. Still holding the skittles I began moving through Twilight’s home searching for a container or bag of some kind to take these precious little jewels with me.

Honestly I had one target in mind. And that was Lovely Break, her teasing was getting rather annoying anyway, so why not give her what she wants? I’m such a nice guy!

I found a little wooden box in the kitchen about the size of my fist. Spike quickly darted to the kitchen past Twilight. “What did you do to Twilight?! And how can I do that?!”

I stared at the little drake. “Why exactly do you want to be able to do that?” I asked raising my eyebrow.

“Uhhh… reasons?” He fake laughed as he shrugged.

“Uh huh,” I said looking at him questionably. “Tell ya what, if you give me a bag or some kind of box I can use to carry these things in I’ll tell you how.” I said gesturing to the pile of skittles I held in my hand.

He quickly ran over to a drawer and pulled out a small empty sack. He then ran to me and put it in my hand and waited.

Damn. That was fast as fuck. I opened the sack and put all the skittles I had on me into it. Then motioning for the little guy to follow me I returned to the room with the couch.

He followed promptly. He refused to look at Twilight though.” Well? How did you do it?!”

“Right here little guy.” I said gesturing to the skittles strewn about the floor. “These little things get the job done.”

I went over to the nearest pile and began putting more skittles into the little sac.

Two more muffins decided to explode while Spike was next to them. A skittle got lodged in his throat. He looked at me terrified and then ran upstairs covering his dick. “This never happened!”

Holy shit. I thought watching him dart up the stairs. Poor guy. I continued picking up skittles until the little bag was full. I then went over to Twilight and tapped her on the head.

“Ey, you alright?”

She just tensed up for a moment and added to the growing pool below her.

“Geez. This is some powerful shit.” With Twilight out of commission and Spike occupied, I was at a loss for what to do. Luna wasn’t here and I’m fairly certain Celestia would’ve killed me in my sleep by now so I didn’t have to worry about her for a while.

That only left exploring, so explore I shall. Leaving the room I decided to explore the rest of Twilight’s abode. There has to be something interesting in here.

There were books and more books. Not much else on this floor. Other than the Twigasm over there the place was utterly boring.

Deciding that the home of a librarian really wasn’t that interesting after all I went to the room I had seen Twilight enter to make the muffins assuming it was the kitchen.

My assumption was proven right when I entered the room and found a messy countertop, a stove, and a refrigerator. Twilight has to have some kind of food that doesn’t cause an orgasim in here.

I made my way over to the fridge and opened it hoping to find some kind of normal food in there.

To my luck there was an assortment of vegetables ranging from lettuce, to carrots and what I think is a radish. I honestly had no clue.

Sticking with what I knew I grabbed a few carrots and quickly devoured them. The fridge was packed to the brim with many other foods but all of were either alien to me or didn’t look safe to eat. How long has that food been in there?

Anyhow after I’d eaten enough to stop the hunger pains I returned to the main room of the house.

Holding a rainbow muffin was Derpy. She was sitting there staring at it confused. “What kind of muffin is this?”

Oh come on! What am I supposed to do now? Do I stop her? I mean Twilight only ate one skittle and was out of commission, what will if Derpy eats a cupcake? Ah shit it probably isn’t a good idea. “Hey Derpy!” I called out hoping to stall her.

She jumped in fright dropping the muffin. “Oh hi! What kind of muffin is this?”

“Uh, A uh, a bad muffin?” I said unsure.

“There is no such thing as a bad muffin! They are just unique!” She looked annoyed? But why?

“No trust me, derpy, you really don’t want that muffin.” Reaching into the sac I pulled out a single red skittle. “What you REALLY want is this.” I said holding it out toward her, “The muffin really isn’t necessary.”

She literally duck faces while thinking about it. “But I like muffins!” She stomped a hoof.

I slowly made my way toward her. “But don’t you want to at least try something new?” I said trying to make the skittle look as enticing as possible. Take the damn bait!

She raises the muffin. “But this is new! I’ve never had this kind before!”

I was getting pretty close to her now, and I’m pretty sure I’m close enough. Yes! Moving quickly I lunged toward the muffin trying to swipe it away from her as fast as possible.

Derpy squeaked and rolled into a ball to protect it. “No! My muffin!”

“For fucks sake!” I yelled as I tried to open up the ball that was now derpy. “Just give me the muffin and take the fucking skittle!”

She squealed like a pig before bucking hard in the chest sending me flying across the room.

“Aw fuck that hurt like a bitch!” I said gritting my teeth. “I give up, if you want to eat the rainbow muffin and have a fucking orgasm then whatevs! I don’t care anymore!” I stumbled my way to my feet rubbing my back the whole time.

I swear, if I can’t find a place free of fucking pony influence I might just kill myself. Still aching all over I bent down and picked up the little sac of skittles I’d dropped.

She slowly stood up watching me carefully. She then slowly took a bite off the top of the muffin. About three seconds later she face planted into the ground her wings rigged. She proceeded to wet herself as she moaned on the floor. Her pupils not even knowing where to look.

“Well isn’t this just fan-fucking tastic!” I said to no one in particular watching derpy basically shut down from pleasure on the floor. “First Twilight, then that poor dragion, and now a cross eyed grey horse!” How the fuck did Twilight make magically infused orgasm candy?! Where the fuck is she learning how to cook!

She layer there for a few seconds just taking in the pleasure. And then her pupils bounced back into focus. “I… I need…”

Now thoroughly freaked out I started backing away from the gray mare. What is this some zombie type shit now?! “Y-you need what?”

She slowly struggled to her hooves. And snapped to me. “A MALE!” She bolted towards me. At least she can’t use her wings. They are still stiff.

“Aw hell naw!” I screamed running toward the door. “I ain’t fucking a horse not today!”

I darted out the door and bolt away. Derpy almost bounces off the door and the chase begins. “GET BACK HERE!”

“Back the fuck up you crazy bitch! I tried to warn you about that fucking muffin but NOOOooo! It was a rainbow muffin! You’d never tried a rainbow one before! FUCK OFF!” I hollard back as I zoomed through the small town.
Everyone was staring at me, and I mean who could blame them? It’s not everyday you see a weird alien creature running through town being chased by a grey mare who’s demanding sex. Geez now that I’ve said it I think I really have gone fucking insane. Where’s a deus Ex Machina when you need it?

I just kept running and running. We eventually made our way out of town and I was able to find a hiding from her in the form of a tree.

“WHERE DID YOU GO! I NEED IT! NOW!” She was getting closer. I could hear it.

Shit shit shit, please just give up. Aren’t there plenty of other males back in town?!

From behind the tree I heard a bark… and then a yip as it was tackled by Derpy. She screamed out in a moan. “YES!”

Did she just, what the fuck?! That’s some powerful shit! Without looking I silently made my way back the way I’d come. I’m not even gonna peak at what’s going on back there. I wouldn’t have enough brain bleach for that shit.

I can hear Derpy’s moans from a good distance away. Dash was flying over when she noticed me and flew down.

“Hey! You survived Twi’s cooking! Anyways have you seen Derpy? I heard she came running in this direction.”

“Ah, eh. She’s uh, a little preoccupied at the moment.” I replied nervously.

Dash sighed. “She got stuck somewhere again didn’t she…”

I held my hand. “No dash you don’t understand, she’s a little preoccupied with something personal” I said emphasizing the word.

She squinted at me. “What did you do?”

“Listen rainbow, you were right about Twilight's cooking, she made fucking orgasm candies and muffins!”

She stuck a hoof in my chest. “Where’s Derpy? Show me.”

“Right now she’s in the woods fucking a dog.” I said running a hand through my hair. “And before you ask no I didn’t do shit, she ate one of the orgasm muffins. I even tried to stop her!”

“What the buck? I don’t believe you! Derpy would never do that! Bring me to Derpy! NOW!” She was not going to take no for an answer. At least not without me getting my face beat in.

“Hell no! I ain’t taking you back there to see that shit myself! Look she’s over somewhere in that direction.” I said pointing in the direction I had just come from. “I didn’t look at her when trying to escape because I won’t be unable to unsee that shit!” And I thought watching a giant lizard get torn limb for limb by black vines was bad!

She growled a little before taking a breath and calming down. “So where exactly is she?”

I threw my hands up in the air exasperated. “FINE! If you want to see it so bad then come on follow me!” I yelled angrily marching back the way I’d come. “But if I see that shit It’s your ass you got that?”

She pumped her hoof like a person would do a fist pump. “Yes! I didn’t have to beat somepony this time!” She then quickly caught up with me as I walked.

We proceeded toward where I had last heard derpy. I was absolutely dreading what my eyes would behold.

We walked for a moment in silence. And then I saw it. Derpy butt to butt with a dog about the same size as her if not bigger. Derpy just hung there her head on the ground breathing with small moans.

I turned to dash, “Alright, great job dashy girl. Now I can’t unsee that shit.” I yelled at her while pointing at the abomination before us. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go over there and claw my eyes out toodles!”

With that I ran over to a nearby bush and did just that. And let me tell you, it hurt like hell. Okay I didn’t really claw my eyes out. (I need those things) But I did give myself a good mental beating trying to wipe that image from my mind.

About a minute later Dash showed up next to me with stiff wings and looking forwards.” That’s… actually kinda hot…” she looked at me up and mostly down and smirked. She now had to walk away due to her stiff wings.

“Welp that settles it, this place is royally fucked up!” I said getting to my feet. “I am out of here!”

I have come to the conclusion that being anywhere near ponies is just asking for murphey to call so I think it’s high time I take matters into my own hands. Deciding it was probably a good idea to get away form Derpy and Dash before they came back and dragged me into some crazy shit I began to slowly trudge through the nearby woods.

A plan of revenge against Celestia had been brewing in the back of my mind for a while now But given the pieces Twilight and Luna had given me it was not as far out of my reach as I had once believed. All it would require was a little learning.

What I needed was place with absolutely zero fucking ponies to screw things up! Thinking back on all the places I’d been/”lived” in the only viable option was the forest I’d woken up in.

Alright. I thought as I slowly trudged through the woods. Let’s say I go through with this idea I’ve been toying around with, I need to learn how live out in the forest doom which will probably take two months. I need to figure out how to make clothes which will be a huge pain in the ass since I don’t even know where to start. AND I’ll probably need that book from the Canterlot Library.

Overall this whole plan would probably take nine months to put into action. Even longer if I was going to court Luna. But the time didn’t matter anymore. No matter what I was going to make Celestia pay for what she and her little ponies had done to me! Even if It took an eternity.

After about ten minutes I found a hole in the ground that lead into some kind of cave system.

Getting there was hell though because the place was surrounded by thorn bushes and weird looking plants I wasn’t going to touch with a ten-foot pole!. No one will find me here. I thought excitedly. And it’s the perfect hideout to get things done in out of plain sight.

I slowly entered the cave watching the darkness for any sudden movement that might indicate danger. After I got a few feet in a soft orange light filled the dark rooms of the cage and to my awe I discovered the cave walls were lined with these weird black spiky plants that emitted a soft glow from a bulb at the top of the stem.

Well I guess I don’t have to worry about lighting I thought as I stared at one in awe. Things seemed to be going good for me now because to my luck the cave opened up into a huge spacious room. Holy shit. I thought smiling like an idiot. This is perfect.

In the middle of the clearing was a small pond. So I have water. Although there is a hole on the ceiling, but it doesn’t matter. It can help light up the and help me determine the time of day. It doesn’t seem like anyones been here in years.

The first thing that intrigued me was the suspicious pool of water in the middle of the clearing. It may look like water, but knowing this crazy world it was probably some magically infused water that did crazy shit.

I walked over to the pool and stared at my reflection. I looked like a mess. Too my great annoyance I saw that Twilights little light show of fire had given me a bald head.
Very cautiously I began moving my hand to touch the water. My finger was about to touch the water before I quickly pulled it away. What the fuck am I doing?! This shit might be acid or something and I was about to touch it like an idiot!

Instead of risking one of my own limbs by touching the suspicious looking water I instead went and found a medium sized rock and threw it into the water.

The rock came launching back at me and hit me in my forehead. As I stumbled back a second hit me in the same spot. What the hell? I only threw one!

I stared in awe at the seemingly duplicated rock. Did this water just duplicate this? Delicately I picked up the rock and began feeling it over. Yep this is definitely a rock. I had feared it would shatter or disappear when I touched it but it was a one-hundred percent genuine rock.

I looked back at the pond before tossing the rock in again. Just like before a duplicate popped out leaving me with three rocks. Holy shit. This thing is amazing! The possibilities were now truly endless. Any resource I acquired could be duplicated in this thing!

With this new information I went over to a conveniently chair shaped rock and sat down to have a good hard think. I now had essentially infinite resources, and no one would find me in this cave. I really had all the time in the world!

But there was a downside to this, and this was the part of the plan I had been dreading since I started thinking about my plans against Celestia.

I would have to survive in this cursed forest for at least nine months. And I’ll be honest, I was terrified of that prospect. I had no magic, I had no fancy tricks. That’s what made me feel so powerless here, everyone else had their fancy horns, and their fancy spears and then there was little old me. With absolutely no magical ability whatsoever.

How the fuck was I going to survive in a place infested with black spiked vines, giant eight headed lizards and who knows what else?

Well my thoughts on the issue didn’t matter anymore. It’s not like I could go back to the pony village and pretend that everything’s alright. I thought as I set the little white sac I’d been carrying down on the ground. I hate those fucking ponies, they’re always so oblivious to my problems and just smile and smile and smile! Don’t they understand how stressful it is when everything’s trying to kill you? Even the countries leaders?! I shook my head in annoyance.

Whatever, I’d been sitting on this rock for far too long now. If I didn’t go do something I would never get up! So I quickly got to my feet and made my way out of the cave.

Alright! I thought as I looked at the alien fauna from the entrance of my new home. First things first, how the fuck do I made tools? Sure I had seen movies where the survivors had cobbled together some shoddily made tools, but that was probably movie magic! How on earth do I do that?

I cast a glance to the surrounding trees and bushes looking for any movement. Seeing none I carefully made my way out of the cave. It was now, while slowly walking through the alien forest looking for materials that might allow me to create a tool that I realized just how weird it was to not be able to see the sun,

The canopy above me was so thick that only a small amount of light could get through resulting in little lasers of lights sparsely coming through the leaves. The light that let me actually see where I was going were all weird glowing plants or small creatures. It was really freaky, all these plants with blue or orange bulbs on them lighting up everything. And these weird small blue glowing ants.

They looked exactly like ants, but something was definitely off about them so I kept my distance.

I did thoroughly scare myself a few times when I almost tripped and fell on huge tree roots that were jutting out from the ground. The trees were super fucking tall and that made the roots thick as fuck!

Finally, after who knows how long I found a rock wall lined with skinny light green vines. Each vine had a few small leaves daintily swaying in the light breeze of the forest.

I examined them for a while scared they would turn out to be huge piranha plants or something. After a while of nothing happening I came to the conclusion that this was not the case and began prying them off the rock with my hands.

They were really tough and I had a hard time pulling them apart, but after a few good yanks I managed to get a few small strands off of the rockface.

Despite how alien the place looked, at the moment it was very tranquil, aside from a few unnerving plants and small insects it wasn’t the hellhole I had known it to be. If it’s like this all the time I might actually enjoy myself out here.

Now that I had what I guess was a natural rope to tie things together with, I set off in search of a material to make a handle out of. I searched for a while but couldn’t find anything I thought was suitable. It was at this point that I realized I didn’t know what I was looking for.

I don’t know how to make a fucking tool from nothing! I thought angrily as I pushed my way through a densely packed bush. Minecraft made this shit look way easier than it actually is! Before I could continue my internal rant my foot caught on something and I fell face first onto the ground on the other side of the bush.

Groaning in pain I looked up and saw a semi thick branch with a sharpened edge. It wasn’t the most smooth branch I’d ever seen but honestly I think it’ll work rather nicely as a handle.

I got to my feet and picked up the stick. I can work with this.

Unfortunately just as things were starting to go my way life decided now was the time to intervene. Suddenly all the plants that were emitting light went out. All the light in the forest was now gone.

Just as I was about to shit myself in fear the light came back in the form of a small orange hue. What the fuck is happening?! Suddenly I heard a terrifying screech nearby.

“Ah Fuck.”

Goo. Bright glowing goo started to flow towards me. I could see a crimson red liquid flowing through it as it slowly approached.

“Oh you have got to be kidding me! What the fuck is this thing?!” I screamed looking at it unnerved.

Remembering the last few times I’d stood there like an idiot only for creatures to attack me I slowly began backing away from the glowing goo.

It slowly went in my direction as I necked away. Why does it smell so fruity?!

Looking around I spotted a medium sized rock nearby. I quickly grabbed it and chucked it at the weird goo creature.

The rock got stuck inside the small creature. It stopped for a moment before spitting it back at me. Of course the rock hit me in the balls.

“FUCK!” I screamed clutching my balls in agony. The little slimy creature continued its course.

And things were just starting to go well for me! I grabbed the vines and branch I had dropped and retreated deeper into the forest leaving the gooey slime creature behind.

It was while stumbling through the now orange tinted forest that I realized a chilling fact. I had no clue where the cave was anymore. I hadn’t left any landmarks, or trials to follow back. In fact I didn’t even label my home with some kind of beacon.

I was well and truly lost. “Well shit.”

I walked around aimlessly for about half an hour searching for the cave entrance but I had well and truly lost it.

Finally I broke through a treeline of apple trees and was tackled by a terrified floofy wooden puppy.

Mighty?! I thought in surprise looking at the wooden dog. In the distance I could hear a few high pitched voices chattering excitedly, “Where’d it go?!”

“I don’t know. But we have to find it, come on! We’ll get our cutie marks in monster hunting I just know it!”

Oh for fucks sakes, I just ran into this forest to escape you creatures! I got to my feet holding mighty in my arms. “Alright listen Mighty” I whispered to the dog, “Stay as quiet as possible and we're gonna sneak out of here alright? No more fucking ponies!”

Having calmed mighty down a little bit I began quietly sneaking back toward the tree-line.

“What’s that?!” I hear behind me.

“It’s stealing our monster! Get it!” And thus the sound of tiny hooves pounded as they ran after me.

“Oh come on!” I yelled as my walk turned into a sprint, “Back off you miniature horses! I don’t want to talk with you tiny fiends!” I screamed as I ducked under a branch.

I made it back into the forest and lost them in it. I didn’t have to run for long until I heard a trio of screams behind me.

For fuck sakes. I thought as my running slowed. I fucking hate ponies but from their voices they sounded like kids. Finally I came to a stop the internal debate raging in my head.

“I’m gonna fucking regret this.” I thought as I turned around and went back.

I quickly made it back to the voices. The three filly’s screamed even louder once they saw me. They were surrounded by three big wooden wolves who were all growling menacingly..

“Yup.” I said as I quickly scooped up the three fillies and began running through the woods carrying them and mighty, “I definitely fucking regretted this.” Now let me tell you, carrying those three fillies on top of the strands of vines and the huge stick made my back hurt like hell and I’m fairly certain one of the muscles in my arm gave out, but when you’re running for your life you can do anything you set your mind to.

The wolves quickly gave chase. Mighty began barking and yipping over my shoulder as we ran. He seemed to be trying to talk to them. Before I could sush him or do anything he fucking jumped over my shoulder.

“What the hell are you doing Mighty?!” I yelled as I continued running.

Mighty ran over to the closest one and tackled it. And they started playing? The other two ground to a halt and soon relaxed just watching Mighty.

I stopped in my tracks confused watching Mighty as he ran around with his new friend. “Is that fucking Mighty’s parents?” I asked no one in particular.

It’s probably his parents who the fuck am I kidding, whoever controls this universe just fucking hates my guts.

Tired from running carrying so much stuff I dropped the three fillies to the ground.

“Alright you three small horses get going. Scram!” I said making a shooing motion with my hands.

They darted as one of the wolves growled. Mighty and the one he was playing with approached me and sat in front of me barking and yipping at each other while watching me.

“You have got to be kidding me.” I said to the dogs, “what do you want?”

They obviously couldn’t understand me and tilted their heads simultaneously. It would have been kinda cute it one hadn’t just tried to eat me. Although I could figure that they were agreeing on something. Don’t know what. The two that were watching left though.

“Ookay, well I’m gonna go now and HOPEFULLY you guys aren’t gonna fucking eat me the moment I turn my back.”

As I walk away I do notice that they seem to be following me like a… lost dog. They keep chatting with each other on the walk.

You know what, It ain’t worth my energy. I thought as I continued to plod along searching for the cave entrance again. Despite how fucking lost I am I will find that cave again! And this time I won’t be so fucking stupid to not leave a damn marker!

I walked in a random direction for a while. I don’t know how long it was till I found the little slime again. It just so happened to be eating a blood red fruit and would release a large bubble that made a terrifying screeching noise when it surfaced. To my surprise Mighty’s mom just went and started licking it like it was ice cream.

Alright, whatevs, I’ve seen crazier. I thought as I watched the wooden creature yap up the large bubble.

I soon continued my journey in search of the same cave that I had left the skittles in. It wasn’t really the cave I wanted so bad as it was the duplication pool within it. I would never have to go searching for vines again when I found it because I could just duplicate them.

While I was walking the forest lighting changed color once again, all the light plants went out but soon returned glowing a light blue. That’s gonna be difficult to get used to. No forest on earth just randomly changed colors but whatevs.

Eventually I found the cave by accidentally falling into entrance.It hurt like hell but hey I found it! The two wolves also followed me down into the entrance. They avoided the pool though.

Yes finally! I screamed internally running deeper into the cave. Sitting next to the same rock I’d left was the little white sac of skittles and the duplication pond. It was all worth it! I thought setting the materials I’d gathered down on a nearby flat rock.

It was time to get to work.

Author's Note

We finally got the newest chapter out! Though we’re like 10 minutes late... whatever! Hope you enjoy! I know I sure did.~