I woke up finding myself in some kind of cage. It appeared to be made of pure steel and had some weird symbols carved onto a few of the bars.

Looking myself over I discovered to my great relief that I was back to normal!

“Holy shit!” I yelled jumping up feeling myself over to confirm that I had well and truly turned back into myself..

Once I was certain this wasn’t a dream and I really had been turned back to normal I grabbed the cage’s bars and began banging on them. “Hey! Can someone let me out of here!”

Mighty just stood next to me and sighed. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something pink.

“You actually surprised me Heel. I lost track of you. For about twenty minutes at least. But here you are in my grasp.” She said giggling.

She then just popped up in front of the cage bars. “Any time now.” She whispered before she went up a set of stairs I swear wasn’t there before. Fuck. It’s back again.

I slumped down against the cages bars and directed my attention to might.

He just started yipping. It seemed he was trying to yell at me. Maybe?

“I’m sorry Mighty, I can’t understand a word your saying.” I said frowning at the still yipping dog.

He stopped and turned away muttering something.

“Still can’t understand you.” I said dejectedly. “This fucking sucks!” I slammed my hand against the bars of the cage. I was turned into a dog just to be thrown into a cage as a human instead!

About maybe an hour later a little lizard in an apron and a duster walks in. “Why does it always get so dusty down here?”

“I wouldn’t know.” I said waving my hand around in front of me kicking up a small cloud of dust. “I’m the prisoner not the warden.

“Ahhh!” He looked at me. “Did you just talk?!”

“Of course I just fucking talked. What you think you’re the only intelligent species on this alien world?!” I said starting to get angry.

“B-but… Twilight!” He then took off up the stairs.

“Ey! Come back here!” I yelled after him. “Dammit he’s already gone.” With a sigh I returned my attention to Mighty. What the hell am I going to do now? Celestia probably spilled the beans to Luna that I don’t want to court her so I can’t expect her to come to the rescue this time.

“I really fucked myself over huh Mighty?”

All the response I get is a a long high pitched pfffffffft. And a stink that made me glad I didn’t have the nose of a dog anymore. God that is awful. I want to throw up.

“Aw fuck!” I said fanning the air with my hand. “What the fuck was that?!” I said looking at the dog disgusted.

The little shit just grinned. The purple unicorn could be heard running down the stairs. “Spike! Get me a quill and parchment!” She then ran over to the bars. “YOU!” Was all she said due to her getting a wiff of the stench and physically pulled back to the point that she fell on her ass.

“Oh Celestia! What is that?!”

“I have no fucking idea, I assume it’s Mighty over here.” I said gesturing to the dog in question.

Her eyes were starting to water as she cast a spell and the stench faded away. “That was horrid! Now, WHAT ARE YOU?!” Spike came tumbling down the steps as she said that.

“Well purple butt.” I said standing up. “I’m what’s called a human, I woke up in a strange forest almost died about five times, then was sent to the moon by Celestia, met up with her sister Luna, was almost burned to a cripst eight times by Celestia because I was forced into courting her sister.” I paused to take a breath. “And in my most recent stunt I was turned into a female dog and cast out into the same strange forest I had escaped from when I told Celestia that I didn’t want to court Luna at all.” I threw my hands up in exasperation.

“So as you can see my situation is just great!”

She was flabbergasted. “What? Wait! You were there during the return of Nightmare Moon!” She took a defensive stance. “You’re not evil are you?! Cause I know a lot of combat magic and my brother is the captain of the royal guard!”

I burst out laughing at her little display. “Girl if you think I’m scared of you then you’ve lost your damn mind! I’ve survived Celestia, I won a dream battle against Luna which is apparently a big deal. I escaped a forest full of black vines that would tear you apart limb for limb! You’re just a droplet of water in an ocean!”

A burst of flame washed over me removing what little hair grew back from last time. “Well?! Are you evil?!”

“Fuck no, I just want to get away from you insane ponies you crazy bitch! DO I LOOK EVIL TO YOU? I don’t have no fancy magic or horn, I can’t do shit to you anyway! The only superpower I have is the power of survival!” I screamed at her hopping around from the sudden heat on my skin.

Spike spoke up. “ Ya know… You don’t seem good at it.. are you trying to get yourself killed? Cause that. That you are good at.”
“Fuck you.” I said slamming my fist against the bars before slumping down in the cage. I hate this damn place.

Twilight sighed. “I really don’t want to bother her, but I think we should inform the princess about him. I can’t tell if he’s evil. It’s too big of a risk to keep him here.

Spike just shrugged. “Yeah, He is a bit of a douchebag.”

Twilight glared at him. “Spike! Watch your mouth!”

“Now now hold up Purple Smart!” I said jumping back up at the mention of the Celestia. “There is absolutely no need to call Celestia over here! She turned me into that damn dog! I will fucking kill myself before I go back to that palace of doom!”

They both just looked at me like I was insane. Snapping out of it Twilight spoke up. “Yup. Definitely going to inform the princess now. Spike, can you go and get the parchment quickly?” Spike was already upstairs by the time she finished speaking.

Are you fucking kidding me?! Celestia will tell her I’m evil and then probably have me executed or drag me back to a cell in the castle! I won’t let that happen! Fear running high I backed up a few steps and then ran forward ramming into the cage bars with all my strength.

Twilight just stared at me like I was an idiot. “You won’t be able to break out of that. It’s solid iron.”

Despite what she’d said I kept ramming myself into the bars. I wasn’t really expecting to break them after learning that tidbit of information moreover I was hoping I’d knock myself unconscious or something like that.

And with an extra strong hit the top of a bar came loose. Twilight just stared in both wonder and fear.” W-what?! How?! I just got that!”

“FUCK YEAH!” I screamed adrenaline coursing through me as I rammed into the cage one more time.

I rammed the bar again and it came loose. Unfortunately my momentum kept going and I got stuck between the bars.

I saw Twilight trying to hold back a laugh as I tried and failed to get unstuck.

“Good luck getting out of that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a letter to write. She said as she started to ascend the stairs. “Now what is keeping spike?”

Well this is just fine fucking dandy. I thought still struggling to escape the confines of the bars. Now I’m really screwed, Celestia won’t even have to bring a prison cell to transport me in. I jumped into one myself! Now well and truly stuck my only option was to wait for Twilight to return and hope Celestia choose the firing squad and not the noose.

A few seconds later I hear hooves quickly clopping from the stairs. Luna basically flew down and over to me and gave me an awkwardly positioned hug. “Thank Faust you’re okay! We are glad we were able to locate you! When sister said that you disappeared we didn’t know what we would have done! Thank Faust I was able to locate you while you slept!” She proceeded to hug me tighter.

“Oh thank goodness you found me Luna!” I said beginning to cry. “After your sister turned me into a dog and teleported me to that dark forest I was certain I was gonna die!” The moment the words left my mouth I began to panic. Shit I just name dropped Celesta! Shit shit shit, what if Luna doesn’t believe me?! She’ll leave me as well!

I faked a terrible coughing fit. “I-I mean the white monster turned me into a dog I thought I was gonna die.”

She looked at me horrified. “OUR SISTER DID WHAT?! Tell us everything NOW!” She yelled looking like she was going to snap.

“I-I-I uh.” I sputtered debating If I should tell her. With a sigh I decided it was probably for the best. So I spent the next twenty minutes telling her about every interaction I’d had with her sister while at the castle. Of course excluding the part where I told Celestia I didn’t really love Luna which I was beginning to reconsider.

See was silent through the whole thing. Every once in a while her eye would start twitching. “So… Our sister has been threatening you this entire time?” She asked in a manner that said if I’d left anything out or lied to her then hell was to pay in a way only a woman can produce.

“Yes.” I said exhausted after retelling my experiences to Luna.

Luna pursed her lips in thought. “So.” She paused biting her lower lip, “We suppose you should stay in hiding until we settle this.” She held her chin with a hoof in thought. “We shall have you stay in a local tavern until then. We will visit as often as we can under our sisters nose, but for now we must be off.”

She leaned forward and kissed me on my forehead before teleporting off leaving me alone with Mighty.

Wait! How the hell am I supposed to get out of here?! I huffed realizing she was already gone. “Thanks for the help Luna.” I grumbled while I tried to get myself free.

Mighty decided he was done sitting in the cage and started to walk on top of me to get out. I could see the little shit smirk as we went.

“Ey! Don’t you dare leave me down here Mighty! I see that look on your face! Don’t do it!” I warned watching him literally walk all over me.

And then he sat on my head.

“Figures” I murmured slumping my posture. “This day has been just great.”

With Mighty using my head as a cushion and my movement options limited I decided it was probably best to conserve energy and wait for someone or something to free me from my prison.

Moments later Twilight entered the room with a very nervous look, she was followed by a very irritated looking Luna. “I’m sorry, I just-”

“-Just don’t.” Luna snapped cutting her off.

When they walked over to me Luna almost burst out laughing seeing my current predicament. “Well the plan has changed. Our sister will arrive shortly due to this one informing her of you being here.” She sighed rubbing her forehead with her hoof. “This is going to be a long night.”

“You’re telling me.” I said still stuck between the bars. “Now that I’ve told you it was Celestia she’s probably going to incinerate me on the spot. Maybe she’ll just shoot me with a magic bullet instead of trying to degrade what sanity I have remaining.” I said thoughtfully.

“Honestly I’d prefer the firing squad over the noose.”

Both of them tilted their heads. It was kinda cute.” We don’t know what either of those are.”

I sighed defeated. “Of course you don’t.”

Twilight summoned a scroll and spoke up. “So what are they? I’ve never heard of such a thing! Oooo! I could research something new!” She was basically bouncing at this point.

“Oh yeah, well it ain’t fun Purplebutt, you see, a firing squad is a quick of a executing someone, don’t have to worry about the small details, pop and dead, a noose is a rope used to hang someone! So basically what I’m saying is I’d rather Celestia blow my head off nice and quick than have her torture me to death like she’s done/threatened to do before!” I explained.

She basically went walleyed. “What?! But there hasn’t been and documented execution in over a thousand years! The princess wouldn’t do that!”

Meanwhile Luna started to shuffle in place as she bit at her bottom lip. “Well… about three thousand years ago she got way too overprotective and executed a pony that was trying to illegally court us. Although he did sneak into the castle at wartime…”

“Well that’s just dandy for me isn’t it Luna! That’s probably why she’s been trying to kill me, and I’m even courting you legally! Also can you please get me out of these damn bars! My back is killing me right now!”

She winced at my tone of voice. “Yes we shall assist you…” her magic flashed and the cage instantly teleported behind them causing me to drop about two inches to the floor with a twenty pound puppy on my head that unceremoniously flew off my head onto its back a few inches away.

“Thank you.” I said standing up and brushing myself off. I then began stretching my neck and a few other muscles trying to force feeling back into them after they’d fallen asleep.

Suddenly a bright flash came from the the inside of the cage. When the light had faded I found to my utter horror it was Celestia. She looked around her at the cage slightly confused. “Wait.. did you set up some sort of trap here? You know it won’t work right?” She just looked at the back of her sister’s head.

Luna’s eye twitched and she slowly turned around. “No it was merely coincidental. However we all will be here for quite some time.” I couldn’t see Luna’s face but I don’t think I want to right now. If Celestia’s ‘Oh shit’ look was accurate. Twilight was a little giddily as she bounced back going for a hug. This didn’t happen however as she smashed into the iron bars and landed on the ground with a whine of pain as she covered her nose with her forehooves. She must have not realized where Luna moved the cage and followed the sound of Celestia.

“Sister. What is happening?” Celestia asked as innocently as she could. She then tried to get out of the cage to greet Luna through the gap with the missing bar. She got her front half through before she came to a sudden halt. Her ass was stuck.

Luna grinned. “Perhaps those small slices of cake after each meal adds up. Celestia groaned as if she had gone through this before.

Celestia’s horn lit up and then flickered out. “What? What’s wrong with my magic?”

At this Twilight raised a hoof. “I’m sorry princess but I didn’t know if-” She paused glancing at me. “-He could use magic so I created a magic warded cage to hold him. Magic cannot be used while inside the cage.” She pointed to me as she said him. Once Celestia caught sight of me her mood just dropped.

“Oh I see Celestia.” I said starting to get angry. “The moment I come into the picture your mood falls through the fucking floor! What did I ever do to you huh? You’re the one that turned me into a FEMALE dog, and almost melted me two times! WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH YOU FUCKING PONIES! “ I screamed.

Celestia just looked at me in shock. For a few moments she didn’t answer as she had to think to herself. “I-I don’t know… It just feels natural to hate you. But, I will not allow you to take my sister from me.”she stopped and looked at Luna defeated. “ I hoped it didn’t have to come to this, but I can’t stand to see this any longer. He doesn’t love you Luna. He’s only using you as a shield to protect himself from me.” Celestia looked away as see couldn’t look her in the eyes out of guilt.

Luna looked furious. “ YOU LIE!”

It was at this point while Luna began yelling at her sister that I felt something inside me snap. I’d been dealing with ponies for far to long, letting them walk all over me. Trying to make relationships work and then here comes Celestia ruining all of it. Well not this time. She wanted to hate me? I’ll give her a reason to this time.

With a scream of primal rage I charged at Celestia and punched her nice and hard on the muzzle. Then I continued to slam my fist into her again and again.

Before Luna could even understand what was happening Twilight was on top of me like a mama bear protecting her cub. I then proceeded to get the shit beat out of me before Twilight was pulled off of me and suspended mid air. She growled in a deep menacing voice. “YOU WILL NOT TOUCH MY PRINCESS!” As soon as she realised what she said she blushed and covered her face with her hooves. “I’m sorry…”

“Oh yeah I’m sorry.” I said beginning to laugh. I stumbled to my feet and began swaying on the verge of falling unconsciously to the ground. “It won’t happen again.” I said as I turned and stumbled my way toward the stairway.

“I’ll j-just be on my way now.” I said to nobody in particular as I stumbled my way up the stairs. “You all hate me anyway, I’ll get out of your hair now. Bye.”

The door at the top of the stairs slammed shut as Luna almost screeched. “NO ONE IS LEAVING UNTIL THIS IS SETTLED!” I was pulled back and set down next to Mighty who was watching with no understanding of the situation at all.

“Huh the door closed on me.” I said chuckling.

Luna’s horn lit up and a dark pulse radiated around the room. “We have just cast a truth spell. Lying will have its consequences! Now sister tell the truth. Why must you hate our dear Heel?”

Covering her bleeding snout with a hoof Celestia looked at Luna with pity. “Luna.. everything I said here is the truth.”

Luna just looked at Celestia with shock as she backed away from her. She then turned to me on the verge of tears. “Please Heel. Tell us she is wrong… do you truly love us?”

I ran a hand through my hair now starting to really stress out. “Look Luna, I woke up in a random forest and almost got torn apart limb for limb by some black tentacle vines, I then almost lost my mind in that place. I don’t even know how long I was in there because the canopy was so think you couldn’t see the fucking sun. I don’t know shit about this land, I don’t even know where the fuck I am, then I find a library and Celestia sends me to the fucking moon where I met you!” I said my eyes darting around the room hoping to find an exit.

“I’ve never seen creatures like you before, I just wanted to survive the day, then you challenged me to a “dream battle’ and by some stroke of luck I won that shit. And there I was thinking, hey this is kinda fun! I was enjoying myself Luna, but then I woke up and you were all like, Whoops there are strings attached to this, and now you are going to court me. COURT YOU? I met you less than.” I stopped trying to think of how long it had been since I’d met Luna. I couldn’t remember.

“Then not even the next day you fucking ate me! I thought I was gonna die in there Luna! But by some stroke of Luck I lived, Then I found myself in some old ruins and this bitch.” I yelled pointing at Celestia. “Was going to chop my head off if I didn’t come back and make you feel better! What the fuck do you expect me to do Luna?! Don’t you get it? I don’t have a choice in the matter, it’s either I love you or I get the chopping block! WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU CREATURES TO UNDERSTAND!”

Luna just stared in shock. Tears started to fall down her cheeks as she mumbled out loud looking down. “Do we truly mean nothing to you?”

“How the fuck am I supposed to develop natural feelings for someone when I’m about to die almost every other day! No one in this fucking room is on my side. Ever! I would be willinging to give you chance Luna, you’re a great friend and I really enjoy your company, all I’m asking for here is to go live my life somewhere away from the capital, no Celestia, no high-class racists nobles, just no ponies other than you! But NOoooooo can’t give the hairy old ape what he wants, dance monkey dance!”

Luna looked up to look into my eyes. Behind her Twilight was staring angrily at Celestia. Celestia suddenly found the floor very interesting as she tried to wiggle her way out of the bars to no avail.

“Will You truly give us a chance?” Luna asked a small spark of hope welling up in her eyes.

“Yes.” I replied exhausted. I could feel unconsciousness clawing at me trying to take me under. “Yes.” Suddenly the room started rotating, I felt like I was gonna vomit as I lost my balance and began to fall toward the floor..

I was caught in some magic before I hit the ground. I don’t know who caught me but I was thankful all the same. Consciousness left me as I floated in the air.

Author's Note

Part two of chapter three is out! Yeet! Ok, I'll admit that I did cry a little at how heartbroken Luna was... She is my Waifu afterall!