The (un)Life and Times Of Specter Shift

"It's alright!" Twilight declared triumphantly, practically bursting through the cottage door, a swirling eddy of sunlight filtering through the trees silhouetting her in ways that Rarity would most definitely approve, "We have the ingre- in- What are you two doing, exactly?" She sighed.

Luna and Specter blushed furiously as they disentangled themselves from each other, a curious knot of splayed limbs, standing straight and looking pointedly at nothing in particular.

"Absolutely serious cooking stuff." Specter assured Twilight firmly whilst looking decidedly at a worn bookshelf, "Nothing untoward I assure you."

"Nothing- Sure. Sure I'll buy that, right." Twilight rubbed a long, slow hoof down her face. "Luna?"

"Err- I was assisting him. Yes."

"Of course you were." Twilight sighed, "Of course you were."

Luna coughed indignantly once, twice, into a hoof, looking imploringly at Specter.

"Well," he pipped from the kitchen with brittle cheeriness, "it turns out that I had a surplus of raspberries, you see, and Luna appeared to be rather fond of them."

Twilight raised a hoof about to comment on the absurdity of that when she was stopped by the sight of Luna's gaze boring yet further into the depths of the floor, her cheeks yet more flushed than even-

Twilight's thought was cut off by a guard's snickering as he walked around her with a bag of groceries and she finally grasped the double meaning.

"Raspberries." she sighed. "You have got to be kidding me."

"Pray tell, what is wrong with raspberries?" Luna protested indignantly.

"Well, for one thing, princess, I had assumed a creature of your incalculable maturity" she emphasised the word with a raised eyebrow, "would have stopped being ticklish by now."

"Ticklish?" Specter called from the kitchen, "We were just talking about regular old red raspberries."

Twilight's other eyebrow rose to meet its twin. "Really, now, because you both seem red enough from where I'm standing."

There was a strange hissing sound from one of the lunar guard, standing stoically at the door.

Luna stuttered a bit, blinking furiously, when Specter strode in from the kitchen to her rescue.

"Twilight, the alternative to believing us is imagining the two of us, your friends," he put delicate emphasis there, lest he ruin the effect he was going for, "were actually lying on the floor over there just-" He took a dramatic pause to pick his word choice, "copulating. Oh, I'm sure you know what that is, if not from Celestia, or your parents, at least from Shining Armour, who we all know is a married stallion." He gingerly wrapped a foreleg around Twilight's shoulders, drawing her beside him, "Why, I'm sure he does it frequently himself. You know what? I think he actually probably enjoys it too."

Twilight had gone very, very pale at this point. Luna was making desperate choking sounds herself, but Specter shot her a consoling and meaningful glance that simply said; 'Don't worry, I'm going somewhere with this'.

"Now, I can assure you that whatever Luna and I happened to be doing was remarkably chaste," Specter drew on all his reserves of charm, bravery and stoicism and called them forth to utter a remark that would drain those reserves for a while to come; "Probably much to her disappointment," Luna and Twilight both turned a very light shade of pink, as neither could quite figure out whether to blush or pale completely, as Specter went on, "and you can take our word on that and let it be."

Twilight just stared at Luna. Luna just stared back. The guard who had been making that strange hissing before, a royal guard employed for their exceptional stoicism and dignity, fell to the floor laughing silently, lest he draw attention to himself or worse- miss out on what happened next.

"Or," Specter continued, putting on a brave face he really wasn't feeling, "Or you could think really hard about what we might actually have been, and weren't, doing. You could imagine it, let the idea roll about in your mind, and consider the implications thereof. Then, of course, considering that, you'd have to, hypothetically, consider that maybe if Luna partakes in desires of the flesh, as they were," he shot Luna an apologetic glance, to which she dumbly nodded her acquiescence, "then maybe Celestia partakes of said. Heck, she must, musn't she, if that were, hypothetically, the case. Then you'd have to wonder about all sorts of things, like lineage, possibly a whole family tree, as a direct result of these actions. Which would require direct research into the reproductive capabilities of your mentor." he let the final words strike her like a hammer. Twilight quaked slightly, whimpering.

The sight broke Specter's heart, truly, but he wouldn't have cut too deep any wounds he couldn't immediately bandage, as it were.

"So, really," he patted her tenderly on the back, "the only possible solution is to accept that the princess is merely incredibly ticklish, to which I probably took advantage because, hypothetically, she's really, really cute when she's giggling like a schoolfilly," Specter chuckled, shooting a shell-shocked Luna a wink, which she somehow saw despite staring pointedly at the ceiling, "and nothing else untoward happened."

"Specter," Luna murmured feebly, "you just admitted it wasn't the culinary delight you were inflicting upon me, and she hadn't assumed more."

"Oh." Specter mused, "I guess I fumbled that a bit, didn't I?"

The guard politely excused himself, exiting the cottage.

Luna numbly nodded, even as the walls reverberated from the booms of a very large stallion's barking laughter.

“Sorry about that, Twilight.” Specter tapped his chin thoughtfully, “And Luna, I guess, though really I was just trying to help.”

“Shining?” Twilight barely whispered, twitching slightly. Her eyes bulged slightly.

“Celestia?!”

“Well.” Luna looked down appraisingly at the almost-immobile Twilight. “Mayhaps thy went a little too far in rushing to our aid, as gallant as it may have been.”

“Could have been worse.” Specter stared at the twitching Twilight before him, “Your guard could have found out about-”

There was a clatter outside, scurried hoof beats on paving stones as the door was practically wrenched off its hinges by a furiously huffing bat-winged guard pony.

“Oh. I guess he did.” Specter muttered, even as Luna stared on.

“My grandad,” he said in a thick Canterlot accent, “Is a bleedin' lawn gnome!”

“I see you've met Sir Shield, then!” Specter grinned. “Well, sorry about that, Pluto, I was planning on formally introducing you with, yes, yes, I know your name, he speaks of you proudly, anyway, I was planning on formally introducing you, no he's not actually a lawn gnome, he's just the disembodied spirit of your ancestor possessing a rather tasteful lawn ornament, now, please, let me finish; I was planning on introducing the two of you with your distant cousin.”

Specter tapped his chin thoughtfully.

“Though, to be fair, his lineage is far more evident in Shining Armour than it is in Twilight, but happy family reunion nonetheless. I'm sure you'd love to tell your partner about this, he's in the kitchen as we speak, and I'm sure he'd love to be rescued from my cooking master any time now.”

Twilight's head whipped increduously back and forth between the guard, now identified as 'Pluto', and Specter, grinning like a madpony and clopping his hooves delightedly together.

“Ooh, this is going to be just grand isn't it?”

“Cousin?!”

“Well, sort of, you're both from the two surviving male branches of Shield's lineage.” Specter shrugged.

Twilight wordlessly shook her head and collapsed into the sofa in the ironically named living room and proceeded to lie down in a state of, what Specter best could tell, was a sense of shock. He couldn't really tell why; He'd only shattered her world view in three unique and wonderful ways in the past five minutes or- Oh. Huh.

“I really,” he stated, slowly, “Need to practice talking to ponies more, huh?”

Luna, in her ageless wisdom, just stared at him incredulously.

“Also, she really does have a point though.” He amended with a shrug as he looked appraisingly at the princess.

“Pray tell, I'm afraid I've been caught helplessly in the current, as it were.” Luna blinked, slowly, shaking the cobwebs from her head with an imperceptible twitch, “What, exactly, is the point you were referring to?”

“Well,” Specter shrugged, “You're an alicorn from time immemorial,” he made a small gesture with a hoof, “how are you still so ticklish?”

Luna stared at him. Specter grinned innocently.

Luna stared at him yet more. Specter wagged his tongue at her a little in defiance.

Luna flung a pillow at Specter. Specter said 'owch'.

“That was really immature!” Specter teased.

“Tisk, you sound like Tia.” Luna chuckled.

“Gah!” Twilight shouted and buried her head under a pile of cushions. “Why can't I unthink this?!”

“Really sorry about that.” Specter cringed guiltily.

“Specter, remember how you, err, unkilled me, I guess, a few hours ago? How I wouldn't be alive right now, in one form or another, if it weren't for you?”

“Vividly.”

“We are, officially, even.”

“Sounds fair.” he agreed.

“I should, most likely, console her.” Luna whispered into Specter's ear. It flicked in response, and he nodded.

“I'll get back to cracking away in the kitchen then!” he nodded, kicking up his hocks. His legs were moving, he noted, but he didn't appear to be moving.

Luna had plucked him up with her magic and was staring at him, inspecting him from all angles, intently. Then, with a deadly-serious expression, she blew into his ear, causing it to flick rapidly as Specter's face scrunched up.

Luna grinned victoriously.

“Ah!” she smirked, blushing slightly, “You appear to have incredibly sensitive ears, then. We must be sure to abuse that anatomical quirk when next we spar, then.” She announced, dropping Specter back on the ground, a silly grin plastered over her entire face but her eyes, which were twinkling brightly with mischief.

The earth pony watched the alicorn stalk back to comfort Twilight Sparkle. He noticed that Luna was waggling her hips far more than necessary as she did so-

Specter walked headfirst into the doorway with a dull thump. Luna shot him a smirk and a wink over her shoulder, her own cheeks tinged slightly, as a mortified Specter darted into the kitchen.

He slid his back against the door and landed on his plot, sitting with a goofy smile of his own for a little bit, idly noting that he'd have to repair the window that the two brave guard ponies had escaped through.

“So” the skull said, cutting through the silence, “You and the princess eh?”

Specter just nodded lamely.

“She's got a lovely arse on her, that one, doesn't she?”

Specter continued bobbing his head for a moment before realising, exactly, what he was agreeing to and shooting Ramsey a warning glance.

“So,” the skull went on, cheerily oblivious, “When are you too just gunna cut it out and make out already, eh? Cor, it's just painful to watch.”

The two guards, panting heavily on the lawn outside, scampered as the skull careened out of the window and rolled to a stop beside where they were resting.

“Oh, Celestia!” they cried, diving for cover behind the chariot, “Now it can fly, too?!”