The (un)Life and Times Of Specter Shift

Luna nodded, mostly to herself, as she commanded what, not entirely insignificant, presence she had as she delivered her verdict. "So tell me, Specter Shift, what charges may I lay before you? What foul and evil deeds have you committed?" She boomed.

"Charges? I... you want me to charge myself?" he stuttered, still not rising.

"Indeed! Have you, like Dolo the Mighty, raised an army of skeletal abominations upon fair and unsuspecting citizens in a mad grab for power?"

"Dolomite did that?" Specter choked on nothing, staring at the princess incredulously, "The same Dolomite who always shies away from summonings, afraid he'd be too much of an inconvenience and he doesn't want to bother anypony Dolomite?"

"I see you have not had the pleasure of speaking to his victims then. A mostly agreeable pony, himself, had he not gone completely mad with power. Now, have you raised a zompony affliction so that you may profit from looting amidst the panic, like the Cur Bon?"

"Carbonnyc did that? Lying scoundrel, he cheats at poker too, now that I think about it."

"Indeed. We have dealt with many a Necromancer, young Shift, for they tend to be corrupted under the weight of their own immeasurable power. Rarely have I ever seen one, like yourself, who has ever considered it a burden my little pony. Thou, that is to say you, are truly unique in that regard, even moreso than what you would otherwise believe.

"So you're not going to kill me?" he asked skeptically.

"Goodness, no! Young Specter, I assure you, we wish the polar opposite of harm upon thee- to which we, gah, I mean you." Luna glanced sidelong at Twilight, who gave her a supportive nod. It was strange, to Specter, to see the one thing he had most been afraid of mere moments ago seem so... Fragile, so vulnerable.

"Also, and don't tell my sister that I said this, we are willing to let thy first misconduct go with a mere warning should you bake us something for noon tea time! Your confections are most delicious."

Specter grinned, a feeling of a heavy weight that had long since suffused in him, over a century of stress, of panic, of fear for his life melting through his hooves and down, down through the floor, forevermore away from Specter Shift, the free pony.

"Miss Luna," he smiled warmly, "you can have whatever your heart may desire."

The devious grin she wore, the glint in her eye, very nearly made Specter reconsider the whole 'Not scared of this pony anymore thing'.

"If you art being so generous, my good fellow, then surely we can discuss matter over a delicious Côte d'Azur"

Specter's eyes widened for a moment before his face melted to a mirror of Luna's devious grin. Twilight glanced worried back and forth between the two ponies in confusion.

"Twilight, here's a few bits," he hefted a small coin purse at the unicorn, who caught it in her telekinetic grip easily, "I've got most of the ingredients I'll need here, but there's a few special things I'll need you to pick up from Ponyville, some dairy at the very least, that I've seem to run out of. Would you be kind enough? I'll make up a list of what you'll need. Itemized, of course, categorized and grouped based on location."

He quickly filled it out, grabbing some parchment and quills from a nearby cupboard and scribbling furiously, wearing the quill down to the nub in the process. He passed the end product to the unicorn who visibly swooned at the neat, detailed organization.

"Guards," Luna angled her head towards the pair her eyes never leaving Specter, "Escort Miss Sparkle in the chariot whilst she acquires the provisions. I assure you, this will be very worthy of your time."

The guards saluted, glancing at each other uneasily at the realization they'd just become unofficial delivery boys but stoic nonetheless, as they escorted a still wondrously dazed Twilight outside to the awaiting chariot.

The door closed behind them with a sharp bang.

"So, Princess," Specter smirked, "any reason you've tasked me with making a dessert that fell out of fashion a thousand years ago?"

"T'was always a favourite of ours, though immensely difficult to create. Apparently our..." Luna mulled over her choice of words momentarily, "Departure from Equestria saw it fall out of popularity, which is truly a shame, because I did so very much love it. Now I've found that there isn't a single pony alive today to pass down the knowledge of our, my most favourite of desserts. I don't think, however, that you'll have a problem with that, now, will you, my little pony?" The princess's smile was downright wolfish, which brought an equally conspiratorial smile to Specter's chops.

"I do so love a challenge, your highness."

Specter scrunched his face a little in concentration, as if sucking on the platonic ideal of citrus, as he called-

"Och, laddie, t'is good to be seein' a friendly face again, after the hidin’ meh wife has been dolin’ out, make no mistake! How'd it go with the lassie, eh? She think ye be a poofter after all, or did all go swimmingly, eh?"

"Turns out me being gay wasn't the problem, Ramsey." Specter chuckled. "She didn't think I was into stallions, but the problem was neither was she. Anyway, we have company."

"Company, eh? Aye, indeed we do! Tell me, who's the luscious piece of hot blue flank you've picked up for yourself there, lad, introduce me."

"Ah, Chef Ramsey, my sister speaks highly of your culinary skills." Luna nodded, "Your social skills, however?"

"Och and aye, and who might your sister be, my dear?"

"Princess Celestia, of course." Luna nodded matter of factly.

"Och and aye again, lass, that'd make you-"

'Huh, turns out it is possible for a skull to get visibly paler.' Specter noted in amusement, 'I'll have to remember to look into that.'

"Princess Luna, yes, yes it would." Luna's grin flashed teeth, her eyes sparkled a little as she glanced down at the quivering skull. "I enjoyed many of your foodstuffs greatly whilst still sequestered in my quarters after our return. It's a shame we never got to meet in the flesh, as it were."

"Your majesty!" The skull hopped to attention with a flick of its jaw bone, "I apologize for my candid manner around royalty, ma'am!" Oh, Ramsey was never going to live this down, Specter would make sure of that. Friendly teasing and jabs, of course, but even a 'bloody poofter' is allowed to gently remind certain spirits of their... Transubstantiated transgressions.

"No need to be afraid, chef, I find your candid manner to be most relaxing. T'is nice to hold a conversation in which I am not seen as the overwhelming dominant force."

Ramsey seemed to mull this over, his bony brow sinking low in intense thought. "Ah, you be that way, eh, your highness? I admit, I'd often thought yea'd be into ropes and chains and whatnot, but I always figured you'd be on the other end of them, now, didn't I?" He chuckled, his skull turning to mirth into a rasping, bony cackle.

Specter's eyes widened in horror as Luna blushed very, very visibly.

"That's not what she meant at all, Ramsey, and you know it!" he snapped, a hoof slamming over his mouth as Ramsey's contemplative expression turned wounded.

"Oh, geeze, I'm sorry, I-"

"I didn't know you had it in you, kid," he boomed, "Looks like you've got some cahonies in you after all eh? You've been holding back on me! Standing up for your lady-friend like that to scary 'ol I, aye? Didn't know yea had it in ya!" Another dry cackle from the skull as Specter blushed now, Luna blushing yet deeper.

"We are not courting." Luna stomped indignantly. Specter had many skills but mind reading wasn't one of them. He didn't need it to know that Luna was thinking the same thing as him: "Thank the stars that Twilight Sparkle wasn't here to see this."

"N'aww, lad, did'n ya hear that?" the skull chirped in faux-sympathy, "Sounds like yer lady friend just broke up with yeh. Wha's the matter princess, don't think his flanks be slender enough for your liking?"

"I'll have you know that I find his flanks remarkably luscious, cur!" Luna snapped.

Specter stared.

Ramsey was trying very hard not to laugh, resulting in a sort of bony giggle-snort.

Luna's eyes slowly widened as she realized what she said and how very, very badly she had completely missed the point.

"Specter." She choked out. "Help."

Specter turned to Ramsey to scold him again, to point out just how rude he was being to such an honoured guest when he thought more of it. Eyes not leaving Ramsey's, his back to Luna, he said with a manic grin on his face;

"Help? What, don't you want to help yourself to these luscious flanks?" He said, giving his tush a little wiggle.

"We- No! Well, yes, but we mean, that's not what we, our, did we just say that out loud? Oh ye gods we just said that out loud. Curse thee, Ramsey, and thou untamed tongue, coated in thy silver barbs, and thee, Specter, curse thee for having such smoothly toned hind quarters that are as hypnotizing as they are the source of our current endless frustrations!" she boomed.

"Luna," Specter coralled all his willpower into keeping a straight face, "Did you just admit to staring at my butt? How long have you been staring at-"

"That is completely irrelevant."

Specter glanced at Ramsey. Ramsey stared, impressively slack jawed, at Specter.

They both fell to the ground, or in Ramsey's case sideways on the counter, rolling in laughter as the ageless Princess Luna, goddess of the night and mover of the moon, sat grumpily drinking her tea and flushing the same furious red as Big Macintosh's hindquarters, which she hadn't stared at either.

"Oh, oh my sides."

"I'm dead!" Ramsey cackled, "how can my ribs hurt so much? I don't even know where they are!"

"Oh... Oh, anyway, Ramsey, you're going to need some help on this one." Specter finally stood up, panting heavily air that he didn't know was still in him after an hour sprinting through the Everfree.

"Help? I dinnae, lad, I think we've ribbed her enough already." Ramsey smirked, winking a bony eye-socket at the scowling Luna.

"What? Oh, no, not to tease the princess," Specter chuckled, "For cooking."

"What?! You think I, the greatest chef of the last century, need help assisting in the afternoon snack of only a hoofull of ponies? Banquets, maybe, feasts, surely, but what could you possibly be making that I'd need to-"

"Côte d'Azur"

"-Oh. Well, if'n you lot be need'n me, I'll be right back, I gotta go search for some culinary reinforcements on this one. Cripes, lad, you sure know how to pick 'em."

Ramsey looked at Specter in concern.

"This wouldn't be yer last meal, now, would it laddie?" Ramsey shot a pointed look at Princess Luna, who was gingerly sipping at an empty mug in what appeared to be an attempt to maintain nonchalance.

"What? Oh, no! Turns out I'm not considered an abomination to the natural order and the sanctity of pony kind after all! That's a relief, no executions for me!"

"Aye, lad, it's good to see you won't be joinin' me so soon after all. Shalom, Spec, I'll be right back." There was a brief non-pop and the skull was, once again, lifeless.

"What a... Colourful individual." Luna muttered.

"You're still about three or four shades ahead of him, princess." Specter chuckled, "Though they're all different kinds of red."

The response was given in the form of a mug sent flying at his head. Specter managed to dodge it rather easily, but the wall behind him wasn't so fortunate, and the mug exploded in a puff of porcelain powder.

The princess sighed, collecting the powder in her magic and pulling it back into a cohesive whole.

She sighed again, waggling the empty mug at Specter. He bobbed his head to fetch the cocoa pot. As he refilled the mug he made a point to face away from Luna the whole time and sway his hips far, far more than necessary.