Life, in a very broad sense, is much like a deck of cards. Tarot Cards? No, god forbid, it’s not nearly that colorful.

No, no... Life is more like a deck of regular playing cards, and you’re playing hold’em with fate itself. Basically, if you know how to play the hand life gives you, fate is a lot easier to deal with! Yet at the same time, life can just go and fuck you over in one circumstance or another, and no amount of preparation could have ever saved you.

Of course the same can be said in terms of vice-versa, but nobody ever notices the positives... But I digress.

In a nutshell, Life will always have a metaphorical leash on you. It simply can’t be avoided one-hundred percent...

But what if it could?

What if I told you that, in this seemingly unfair world, that there was a power that could assure your success?

(Canterlot City, 12:34 a.m.)

“This is never gonna work, Sonata.”

“Shh! Just play along, play along!” The young Demon insisted.

The scene was something out of a Tosh.0 skit, minus the sexually ambiguous Daniel Tosh. We have who is implied to be Aria Blaze, veiled in an old black cloak, wearing a cheap Skeletor mask and parading a plastic scythe in her right hand. “This is so stupid...”

On her left was the demonic cutie-pie, Sonata Dusk. She wore fur wraps on her arms and legs, a loincloth to cover her naughty box, and a fur top that barely even fit over her charred-black honkers. An iron chain was wrapped around her neck, which Aria had a firm grip on in an attempt to make her look like some kind of Imp Familiar or whatever Sonata said. “Well, I think you make a great horseman of death.” Sonata pressed a small button on the mask, causing it to flash and speak in a nasally voice.

“I’ll get you next time, He-man! Nyaaaahh!”

...Whatever Aria’s face may have been, it was safe to assume it was something similar to ‘I’m so fucking tired of this shit and it hasn’t even started.’ But, they made it this far, and the costume shop doesn’t do refunds... “Demon powers better be worth this.” Aria tapped the door with her fake scythe and waited.

.....

.....

.....

She knocked with her free hand this time, Sonata looking a tad confused. “Weird... I know for fact I smell the living in there.”

.....

.....

.....

“Eighty-six the door, Sonny.” Her black cheeks puffed up, then a red hot laser as thick as a tree burst from her mouth and incinerated a giant hole right through the door. “Ahem... House-keeping~!” Aria entered through the hole, careful of the crispy wood around the hole. “Yeah. Just kidding, I’m Death.” She joked, looking around to find...

Nobody?

“Hey genius, thought you said you smelled ‘em.” Sonata sniffed the air at Aria’s complaint, then led her through the home and to a basement door. “Hole.” With a nod from the demon the door was given a smoldering hole to enter through. “Hellooo! I have an appointment with someone!” Then the stench hit, a god-awful combination of semen and rotten gas-station food. “Jesus... This fucker better be house-trained.” She delved deeper still, the smell only getting worse with each plastic bag or container she stepped on.

“I think there’s a room like this in hell somewhere...” Sonata mumbled, before stepping in something that she was too afraid to look down at. “Oh, Lucifer help me...”

“Keep it in your gut, Sonata. We’ll dig this pig outta the silo soon.” Aria bumped her foot on something soft. “Huh? Oh god!” She looked down, finding a pillow with some over-sexualized woman printed on the front. The poor thing was covered in stains. “If pillows could talk...” She pulled Sonata’s chain. “Blast it.” Cumrag-chan was turned into ash in seconds, Aria was doing God’s work here.

Then, with the glow of a screen, Aria spotted it. Right in the corner of the room, sitting in a swivel chair at the desk of a computer, playing a fucking porn game with humanoid... Animals strapped to a lab desk. “That’s just wrong.” Aria was mortified, absolutely mortified. “Fucking animals??”

“Hey, lemme see it!” It was one of the palest, sweatiest, zit-ridden necks Sonata ever saw atop a fucking blimp of a body. “Good... God.” Sonata felt blood run down her lip at mentioning the holy father’s name, but even she hadn’t noticed in the sight of this degenerate. “He’s radioactive...”

........

“Go touch it.”

“Wh-WHAT!?” Sonata cried. “Please, no! I’m too beautiful to be eaten!”

“Eugh!? Whurp!?” The abomination turned in his chair, his thick glasses reflecting the horrified faces of Skeletor and a Demon. “G-G-Girl!?!?” He fell back, smashing into his PC set-up like a big sweaty wrecking ball. Aria just stared at this squealing and flopping mongoloid as he desperately scrambled away. “Mah Spaghetti! P-Protect me Hatsumi-San!”

“Oh my fucking... Shut the FUCK UP!!!” Aria screamed, Sonata hiding behind her. “Goddamn walking ZIT!!” He only quivered in fear, jiggling like a big slime ball. “Okay... Keep it cool, Aria.” She breathed slowly, regaining her composure. “Alright, I was hoping for someone that wasn’t a giant scab, but you’ll have to do.” She pointed upstairs. “C’mon fat-boy, it’s time.”

“T-Time for what!?”

“What do you thing, fatass? Look at me!” She flavored her cloak, pulling Sonata out from her little hiding spot behind her. “Black cloak? Retarded Imp servant?? That ring a bell?”

“Hey, rude!”

“Shut up!” Sonata went ignored, Aria waiting for the fat bastard to come along. “Look man, I’m death! You fucking choked on a Chicken Wing and died alone!”

.....

“Is... Is that a Skeletor mask?”

.....

“Yes?” Aria answered. “Because... Because everybody expects Death to be a skeleton for some fucking reason! It’s really annoying having to explain why I have flesh!” She threw off the mask and just started stomping on it, mainly to relieve herself of the frustration from being close to this disgusting man. “Now are you gonna come quietly or am I gonna have to beat you to an inch of your already shortened life!?

“D-does... Does god actually exist?” He asked.

“Yes, he fucking does. Christianity is all real.” She told him, to his utter shock. “But I doubt your fat ass is gonna see him with the shit you squeeze your dick to.” She pointed at his porn with her scythe, and not the crap that was on the computer. He had it all along the walls of the basement, drawings and digital art of furry porn and... Fucking Inflation porn! “Good fucking god, man... God’s definitely not taking you.”

“Aria, I don’t even know if Satan’s gonna take him.” Sonata was hiding behind Aria again, too afraid to show herself. “This is just... I think even his soul is stained with dry cum.”

“Wouldn’t fucking surprise me, Dusk...” That did lead to a very important question. “So how do we rip that soul out, anyway?”

.......

“I...” Sonata moved back. “I don’t wanna take his soul.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, just do it!” Sonata looked close to crying, but she nodded and gulped. “Pretend it’s a child or something. You like those, right?”

“It’s a child... A beautiful blonde child.” She closed her eyes and plugged up her nose, then she opened her mouth wide... Really, really wide!

’Chomp!’

She snapped-up the entirety of his head, pausing to gag with watery eyes. “Jesus in Heaven!” Aria looked utterly horrified at the sight of her sister attempting to vore the man like a bloody python. “Bleach my fucking eyes... I can’t look away.”

But, inch after grueling inch, gag after bile-laced gag, she swallowed him deeper and deeper in what seemed like psychological torture to the poor demoness. Amazingly still, once she reached the mid-point and widest portion of this fat fuck, she bit down and raised her head up toward the ceiling in a feat of immeasurable neck strength. “Nngh... Urk!” The victim slid down her throat the rest of the way, and into the lightless void that was her belly.

.....

.....

.....

“I-I... ’sniff!’” Sonata broke into blood-red tears. “I did it, Aria...” She was shaking like a crack-addict. “My first... ’light gag’ S-soul.”

Aria just stared, feeling the weight of her guilt hanging from her neck. “Are you... Um...”

“I wanna die...” Sonata lamented with a sad, hollow smile. “I feel like I was raped from the inside out... Just for a soul.”

Yeeeaaah... Aria felt pretty bad now, like legitimately bad. “I’m so sorry, I... I had no idea.” She hugged her, letting her silently cry into her shoulder. “Your tears... Really burn, Sonata.”

“Don’t leave.” She yelped, almost in panic. “Please, I can’t... I just can’t right now.” As much as it hurt Aria she would endure, anything for her brave little demon sister... Plus, she just couldn’t imagine what it was like, swallowing that thing whole. “Ugh...! Urp!!” Sonata started coughing up bones, ribs, and a human skull. “He... He passed.” Last but not least, was an ethereal orb of some kind of crystal flew from her mouth. “That-... ‘Cough! Cough!’ That’s the soul in solid form.” Sonata informed. “It’s a virgin, too... A rare find.”

Aria stared at the orb, watching it glow with the tormented soul of this sorry incel trapped inside. It was almost like a lava lamp except the lava was moaning in pain. “Um... What do we do with it?”

Sonata, seemingly recovered enough to act proper, stood up and poked it with a claw. “Hm... His soul isn’t enough. It’s been weakened by years of negativity and pessimism.” She looked around a bit. “Not to mention this filthy lifestyle...”

“Just our luck.” Aria kicked his chair in spite, then looked around a bit. “...Hey, you think he’ll miss his junk?” Sonata just shrugged, watching Aria wander around and start looting all his expensive-looking shit. “Well, when life gives ya lemons, commit burglary.” Aria threw a pillow sheet at her sister. “Start grabbing before people get suspicious, this is some seriously illegal shit we’re doing and I’m too pretty for Jail.”

“O-Oh, okay!” She stuffed the soul in the pillow case and they both started tearing the room apart for potential cash. They booked it in the dead of night much later, Sonata flying off with a fake Grim Reaper and about 6000 bucks worth of rare cards, nerd merchandise, and a metric shit-ton of Japanese pornography and comic books.

It was a police case that was never solved, and left detectives with nothing but... Out-right bizarre leads. Human bones, giant seething holes in doors, a broken skeleton mask, and zero traces of human flesh.

Whatever the hell happened, it was simply unexplainable.

Aria and Sonata entered the house at 6 am sharp, just in time to see Adagio making coffee. “What the hell’s in the bag?” Dare she ask.

Aria threw off her cloak and tossed the plastic scythe in the corner by the coat rack. “Stuff.” She answered.

“Yeah, expensive stuff!” Sonata added. “We’ll be in Aria’s room!”

Adagio just stared... “Don’t even get involved, Dazzle.” She took her coffee and added her creamer to it.

’Knock knock knock!’

Adagio, puzzled at who could possibly be up at this hour, opened the door to be greeted by the pale-white skull of the legitimate Grim Reaper. “Uh, hi. I’m Greg, Grim Reaper?” He held out his bony hand, which Adagio politely shook. “Yeah uh, so sorry to bother you at this hour... I promise, you’re still kicking! Not here for that.” He assured, as you would assume he was usually there for. “But ehh... I got reports from the guy up-stairs that some Jackass was out doing my job.”

Adagio only stared for about half a minute or so, before clearing her throat. “I don’t know anything about that, Mr... Greg.”

“Is that right?... Well, whatever. Not like they’re gonna miss a...” A list poofed into existence, likely his schedule of appointments. “A misterrrr..... Hohoo man, nooobody’s gonna miss that weirdo.” The list vanished and he waved her off. “Alrighty Miss Dazzle, see ya in twenty years!”

She waved back with a broken smile. “Come back anytime!” Then she whispered to herself. ”Please, make it five...”

Author's Note

Remember, never impersonate Death! He’s a really nice guy and quite the busy person, and really appreciates it!