The Wizard of Whitetail Woods

The Wizard of Whitetail Woods
Chapter 1
Admiral Biscuit

He was tall and gangly and had a scruffy beard which would never be anything other than messy, although it aspired to. His eyes had the somewhat crazed look that all Wizard’s eyes did, and in lieu of a pointed Wizard’s hat, he wore a small traffic cone.

Painted blue, so it would at least sort of match the bathrobe he wore. Proper Wizards robes were hard to come by in Equestria.

Standing faithfully beside him was his travelling companion. She was the size of a mastiff, give or take, except that she wasn’t a dog.

Her name was KitKat, and she was a pony.

She counted herself lucky that she’d been born second; her older sister was named Mr. Goodbar. Her parents held a fascination with all things Earth, especially candy, and that love had been bestowed on her as well, so when the opportunity arose to travel with an actual human Wizard who was on a quest, she offered to come along. Quests were fun, and all sorts of quest-related expenses could be written off on her taxes—she’d learned that from A. K. Yearling.

She counted herself lucky that there were only two timberwolves currently facing them.

The Wizard tugged at his robe and pulled out his wand with a flourish. He brandished it at the pair of timberwolves, who stepped back in confusion. This was something they’d never seen before.

For just a moment, KitKat thought that they might run off. There were only two of them, after all, and they were facing a powerful Wizard and a pony. Then her ear turned at the cracking of a branch behind her, and she realized too late that they’d walked right into a trap.

Again.

Avacado Cadaver Expellyranus! The two timberwolves vanished in a flash of blue light, banished by the Wizard.

Meanwhile, KitKat dug her forehooves in the loamy soil and kicked back at the timberwolf behind her, breaking its stupid face into hundreds of smaller sticks, and then started galloping away before it could regroup. “Run! There’s more of them back there!”

“I can take them!” The Wizard turned, wand still firmly in his grasp. “Where are they?”

She skidded to a stop. “Three more, at least. That one back there that I got, he’s down for the count but he’ll be up again. And I heard Jesus there’s one right behind you!!”

Said timberwolf was already mid-flight when the Wizard’s spell caught it and burst it apart. KitKat didn’t watch the destruction; she attuned her ears for the slightest noise, the sound of branches that weren’t really branches moving through the trees.

“Over there, I think?” She pointed at an inoffensive cluster of shrubs, and the Wizard disposed of them with great prejudice.

“No green flash,” he mused. “So I probably missed. Keep your ears turning, I’ll finish off that one you bucked.”

“Got it.”

The final timberwolf was smart. He wasn’t wise; if he’d been wise, he would have left after four of his companions were ruthlessly dispatched. But he was smart enough to wait until neither of them were paying attention to him before pouncing on KitKat’s back, nearly tearing her saddlebags off—saddlebags which contained the Wizard’s priceless spellbooks.

She ducked her head down in the mud so he wouldn’t be able to get a grip at her neck and twisted to her side, trying to shake him off.

He clamped his jaws around her shoulder and she rolled over on top of him, crushing him into the mud briefly, before tearing herself loose of his slavering jaws.

Before the timberwolf had a chance to get back to his feet, she punted his head clean off, then proceeded to stomp what was left of him into splinters.

When the Wizard walked over, KitKat was still desecrating what was left of the timberwolf’s corpse. “You okay?”

She glared at him. “How come you didn’t get this one off my back?”

“I was spent.”

That was indeed the case, as she could see with her own eyes.

As he tucked his wand back into his robe, he looked at her bloodied shoulder. “Once I rest up a bit, I can heal that for you.”

“Nothing personal, but no thanks. I can let it heal the normal way.” She reached back into her saddlebags for their map. “Now, let’s see, where were we?