The Wizard of Whitetail Woods

The Wizard of Whitetail Woods
Chapter 2
Admiral Biscuit

Their story started in a pub, because stories like these always start in a pub.

The pub was called The Wurstbraterei. Its name had been shortened in deference to local regulations regarding the dimensions of pub signs and an extremely poor choice of font size. It had been that way for so long that nopony knew what its name was actually supposed to be. Most ponies just called it the Worst Bar.

KitKat spotted him the moment she walked into the pub. He wasn’t easy to miss; he stood a full head and neck above all the ponies, a height difference which was further accentuated by his pointy hat.

Naturally, she was curious, and after she’d bought him a firkin of beer, he opened up to her, explaining how he’d gained his Wizarding powers and how he was looking for a travelling companion on his quest to—

Well, he couldn’t reveal that yet, certainly not before she’d agreed to accompany him for a share of the treasure and also signed a NDA.

He had maps and spellbooks and was dressed like she assumed human Wizards ought to be, although in truth she’d never seen one before.

There was just one problem with his story.

“I thought humans didn’t have magic,” she said skeptically.

“Oh, I didn’t get it until I got to Equestria,” he explained. “At least, I think that’s when I got my powers.”

Her ears perked. “Did you make a new friend? Is that how it happened?”

“Well, sort of.”

She eagerly waited for an explanation to be forthcoming, and he finally leaned down and provided one. “I . . . I fucked a unicorn.”

KitKat frowned. She’d never done that, but lots of ponies had, and she’d never heard of new magical powers coming about as a result of rolling in the hay with a unicorn.

Still, humans were different.

He misunderstood her silence for disgust at the notion of interspecies relationships, and added: “I didn’t know it was a unicorn.”

She blinked. “What, was she wearing a bag over her head?”

“I’d been drinking, you see.”

KitKat did see. The Wizard was quite adept at drinking, which was something she assumed Wizards must be good at. She’d also heard that they liked smoking pipes with long stems, although she hadn’t seen him produce a pipe just yet. Maybe that happened after the drinking, or it could have been only for use when perusing complicated spells.

She still wasn’t convinced he wasn’t trying to con her somehow. “I want to see some magic before I say yes and before I sign your Endeeeh.”

“Well, the problem with that is most of my spells are offensive, and I really don’t want to be kicked out of this bar, too.”

“That’s what they all say.” She pushed her chair slightly back from the bar. “And I’m gonna take the rest of that firkin with me. I paid for it, after all.”

“Wait!” There was a hint of desperation in his voice. “I—I just thought of one. Hold on a second, let me check my pockets.” He reached down into his shabby robe and rummaged around for a moment. “Um, you wouldn’t happen to have a bit coin, would you?”

She nodded, grabbed one out of her saddlebags and set it on the bartop. “If you make it disappear, so help me, I’ll buck you into next week.”

“I’m not going to steal it. It’s going to disappear for a moment, but then it’ll reappear, completely unchanged.”

That got her interest. Bit coins were enchanted so unicorns couldn’t do funny stuff with them, and if he could somehow break that enchantment, he really was a powerful Wizard.

“Watch closely.” He put his hand over the coin, and then lifted it up to show that it was still there. “On the count of three: one, two, three!” The Wizard slapped his palm against the bartop hard enough to rattle the glasses, and when he lifted his palm, the coin was gone!

And then he pulled his other hand out from under the bar, and it was there, in all its golden glory, seemingly unharmed from its trip through the teak.

KitKat believed him utterly, even though that bit of sleight-of-hand is so old, it can hardly fool a baby. She stuck her nose in his hand just to make sure that the coin still felt the same, that it wasn’t an illusion, and it wasn’t. In fact, to her eyes the coin had been improved on its journey; a scratch in the obverse that she clearly remembered having been there was now gone.

It wasn’t until after she’d signed his NDA, agreed to be a packpony on his epic quest, and accompanied him into the wilds of Equestria that the bloom finally fell off the rose. More specifically, it happened the first time he used his offensive magic.

It wasn’t worth bringing up in the moment; they were working their way through a cloud of angry Twittermites, and his spells were effective, but she held his technique in her mind. It was something to bring up once they’d finally reached a safe spot to set up camp.

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“You are absolutely without question the worst Wizard I know.”

“How many Wizards do you know?”

“Just you.”

“Doesn’t that also make me, by default, the best Wizard that you know?”

“No.” She dug the frying pan out of her saddlebags. It was heavy cast iron, perfect for cooking or whanging enemies upside the head, and in some cases—if said enemies were carniverous plants—cooking said enemies in the same pan afterwards. “You . . . you cast spells with your dick.

“I told you I fucked a unicorn. And I obviously don’t have a horn. You should have made the connection.”

“Calling it your ‘magic wand’ was presumptive, don’t you think?”

“I really don’t see why.” He rubbed at his crotch. “Give me a second to get it hard, and I’ll get the fire going.”

KitKat gave him a flat look and dragged her shod hoof across the rocks, sending a shower of sparks into the tinder.

“Okay, fine, be that way.”

“All your spellbooks are skin magazines, not ‘illuminated manuscripts.’”

“You ponies don’t have PornHub, what else am I gonna use?”

“If you had a proper jizzlestick, it might not bother me seeing you wave it around so much. I’ll confess that I sometimes look longer than I should at a stallion who’s dropped—”

“TMI, KitKat.”

“—any mare would, but you’re got an ugly pink mushroom thing and I guess maybe some ponies would think it was kind of cute in a really weird way, but—”

“Okay, now you’re just being unnecessarily cruel.” He crouched down by the fire, which unfortunately revealed his ‘magic wand’ in what little glory it actually possessed. “That’s just how it is for human Wizards.”

“Oh, really?”

He nodded.

“When we get back to civilization, I’m going to be picturing every unicorn as having a love cucumber on her head. You know that, don’t you? I’m so glad I’m not a unicorn, I’d hate to look myself in the mirror.”

“I can’t help how the magic worked. Look, I know enough about ponies to know that you do your little life quest and then you suddenly get a picture on your butt—”

“My flank, thank you very much.”

“—and so why not get a magic willy after sticking it in a unicorn? Huh? What’s so weird about that?”

KitKat rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe you have to ask what’s so weird about that.”

“You ever hooked up with a unicorn?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but no.”

“You should try it. You might get a magical—well, let’s see, you could put stuff up there.”

“Don’t you dare.”

The Wizard giggled. “You’d have a vag of holding!”