Author's Note

Its four in the morning, what the hell am I doing with my life.

Manehattan

Honestly, I dont even know how to feel anymore, every single fucking day my emotions are always just flipping switching out on me, one day I feel happy and the next day I feel like fucking shit. Some days I dont even feel like moving, there are days that I just feel like, Im not even sure how I am supposed to describe it. I am really on the verge of tears most days, I cant even stand talking to my parents for more than a few minutes at a time.

Its not like I dont love them, its just that some fucking days they put so much bullshit on me its just making feel hopeless, depression has been a major thing in my life, I first experienced this during elementary. I've been so fucking tired every single day. I just can't, im not sure how I am supposed to do things anymore. I have been dealing with this fucking garbage for more than ten years, ten years! some days, the bullshit reaches so many levels that I just want to off myself somedays. I wonder if I just so happen to kill myself, what would happen? would I still feel depressed? its nonsense, why should I be complaining? ive dont absolutely nothing with my life, im reaching my senior year in highschool and have done absolutely nothing to help myself in anyother way.

Its so bad that my gpa is so fucking bad that I was in fear of not passing for the longest time, but who am I to complain? I was brought up in a good house, a good family, nice siblings. Why the fuck am I sad? why do I feel like this? I have yet to break down, I have yet to reach my breaking point. I am on the verge though, its everyday with me I just feel the warmness in my eyes and always have to shake my head and try to calm myself down.

This is killing me.

I wanna live, yet I wanna die. How does that make sense? My life has been so good to me, why am I fucking complaining? why am I crying over not wanting to listen? why am I crying over getting grounded for no fucking reason? I swear if I ever went to some sort of psychiatrist, it would make them need to have a psychiatrist of their own. In reality im weird, im so fucking weird, I always have these internal mood swings, its as I said one day im happy one day I just wanna put a fucking bullet in my skull.

I had a sexual experience when I was three years old, how do I remember it? it's because its something i could never forget. Is that why I am like this? I specifically remembering me in the past brushing that experience off like it was nothing, though a few years later when I got into third grade, I finally remember the experience, I start feeling sad and start experimenting.. bad idea.

I do sometimes wonder what brought me up like this, I am so fucking.. i cant even describe how I feel myself. I find it so hard to talk to people, yet when I was younger I was so out going, I had so many friends and I never had any trouble trying to make friends. What happened now? i'm 17 years old, I have so little friends even a shy kid would laugh at me. Even with these friends I find it so hard to have my voice get projected out there, I am never heard, I am never acknowledged. I want to be do, but my mind stops me, no I can never go up and talk to people, no I can never sing out loud with family or friends like I used to.. NO... I just fucking..

I do find myself self hating alot of the times, its my decisions that made me like am today isnt it? i've done so many regrettable things in my life, these actions are somethings that could cost me my life. Though why should I fear death? I smoke every single day, I have no remorse for myself, I've just come to the conclusion that I should just stop caring about myself. Its funny, ive had moments in my life where I could talk to someone, maybe had stopped all of this, ive never gone through with it though.

I walked into school the other day, alone. I was late to my first period and found myself with a detention. I skipped the detention, it just felt like fucking routine to me.

Should I even mention the lines upon lines of scars upon my body? yes, ive cut myself, ive gone so far down the hole. I do all these reckless things to try and see if I actually die one day. I once jumped off the roof and into a pool, just to see if I were able to break my back against the concrete on purpose. I once drunk ten bottle of apple cider against the towns local drunk, just to see if the alcohol poisoning would get to me, it didn't seeing as im still here, it would have been better if I did die of alcohol poison.

Speaking of loving parents, its seeing as they are deliberately ignoring me, no casual 'heys' as I walk past them, no 'hows your day been?' none of it.

I just feel like, im not even living my own life. I feel like someone else is in control of my actions. Why would I think it would be somepony? its not like any of them would notice me or anything, its just.. I just wanna die.

I really do want to die, i just cant ever bring myself to do it, why should I say im not afraid of death, when im always hesitating to kill myself? it gets to the point of where I finally have the nous around my neck, yet im always taking it off and not going through with it, ive even had a knife against my own throat for Fausts sake!

I just.. wanna die.