Consciousness, a thing that all sentient beings have. A thing that I am gaining right now.

I can feel my back now. I can tell I didn’t wake up in my bed or any of the chairs at the bar. Am I on the floor? Nope, I feel grass. That means I’m outside…

That can’t be good…

Last thing I remember was floating in the middle of the ocean with the rum ham. Wait… WHERE’S THE RUM HAM!? Oh yea, I lost it. We lost it… I was with someone else?

I opened my eyes and quickly closed them from the sun light beaming directly into my eye sockets. Go point your light somewhere else sun. I wanted to say that but my whole face was numb for some reason, like the dentist put WAY too much novocaine. Maybe that’s what happened? But why would the dentist drug me… unless he was one of those spies those damn Russians sent after me. Why are Russians sending spies after me?

Oh, there we go! I can feel now…

“YEEEOOUCH!!!” I heard some kid say. Wait… I said that…

I shot up and then fell back down due to pain being absolutely EVERYWHERE.

“OOWW WHY GOD!” I screamed to the heavens hoping that God or some other entity could make the pain stop. Then it did.

“Thank you, all powerful Jesus Man.” I said again to the heavens extremely dizzy.

“Hello? Oh shit I heard a child!” I heard some other voice say a sizable distance away. I wondered what child they were talking about. Oh well, someone is here who can rescue me from this awful place! Wait… what place am I at?

I slowly sat up and opened my eyes to see birch trees surrounding me. Well I wasn’t in Philadelphia anymore, that’s for sure. I lifted my numb hand to rub my head.

That’s not a hand!

I move my “hand” only for that orange rectangle in front of my face to obey the same commands.

“I think I had too much of the white powder.” I said… in a child’s voice again.

What the hell’s going on? Wait that voice mentioned hearing a child scream… I screamed… I sounded like a child…

Then suddenly a horse with a large head, wings, light blue fur and a rainbow mane jumped out of the bushes scaring the absolute shit out of me.

“HOLY CHERNOBYLEES!!” I yelled in shock. I seem to have spooked the large headed horse as well. I suddenly became extremely dizzy again and laid back down.

“Please take me home Mr. Horse.” I said in my head trying to telepathically talk with the horse.

“Are you okay!? Oh no, you’re not… I better take you to the hospital!” said the horse.

Well HALF of my message got across.

Wait.

The horse talked… that’s not too strange.

Before I could think about it any longer I lost complete feeling of my body and all I could see was darkness.

Oh hello consciousness again! How ya doin? I wasn’t doing so great when you showed yourself LAST time.

I could feel a bed under me. That’s a good sign. All that stuff was probably a dream and I would wake up in my shitty apartment.

I feel something under my ass.

I didn’t poop the bed again did I? (It’s a long story)

I open my eyes to see a white ceiling. Okay my apartment has a white ceiling. I look to the side to see a wall with childish wallpaper. My apartment doesn’t have that… or does it? I regain complete feeling of my body and notice MULTIPLE differences.

My legs feel completely fucked up. Not a little but A LOT. So do my arms, and my head, and my back, and my everything. At least there’s no more pain.

I sit up and look down at myself… to see an orange hairy man like usual. I can’t really be that hairy? Or that orange?

“Uuuuugh…” I groaned. Beautiful, I STILL sound like a child, ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.

I look the other way… oh! There’s a mirror with a small bright orange horse pony thing in it.

That’s me isn’t it… please don’t be me.

I move my arm, it move’s it’s arm.

Goddamnit

“I need a drink.” I say only to see a white horse pony with a nurse cap at the doorway looking at me in shock.

“What?” the horse said.

“What?” I repeat.

“Nevermind.” The white pony shook her head. “How are you feeling little one?” the nurse pony said with a smile.

“Like a drugged up horse creature that got hit by one of those Japanese trains.” Was my simple wholesome reply. That was how I felt. I blame my cold whore wife for all this.

“All righty then.” The nurse pony got a clipboard and asked me. “Can you tell me who your parents are? Do they live in Ponyville?”

“What kind of hippy liberal town is Ponyville? And my parents? They’re real pieces of shit that’s who!” I yelled grumpily. My neck hurts.

“HEY! Don’t use that language! How did a colt your age even learn those!?”

I defensively said “I’M SORRY! Sometimes I can get a little mad when I wake up in places other than my apartment or the bar! Speaking of the bar I really need a drink. You got any beers?”

“Beers!?”

“Yea ya know that delicious awful liquid that you’re supposed to inhale to prevent the voices in your head convincing you that killing yourself is a wholesome activity?” was my simple reply.

The nurse pony put her head in both her hooves and mumbled something about “disturbed” and simply walked out of the room. Well that was strange.

Wasn’t I supposed to freak out over being a small kid horse? Nah, weirder things have happened, besides I’ll probably wake up soon from this drug/drunk mixed together dream.

I put my head on the soft pillow and began to drift to sleepland.

Author's Note

I need an editor don't I?

Well this can't be TOO bad for a first fanfic right?
Please dump your criticisms here they are extremely helpful