This Ain't Compendium: Hangover

Everfree Forest

“...And that’s how I discovered the wonders of time travel, teleport and basically travel through different dimensions” Richtofen grinned and then said with a high pitched tone “I was so emotional”

“That was... interesting?” the violet unicorn said with great confusion and turned to look at the Princess.

“It is always a grateful experience when something new is learned” the Princess said.

“Really?” the unicorn and the human said in unison. The winged unicorn nodded her head.

“It is interesting to know about humans” she said with a smile “it is good to know they have progressed that far in technology”

“Oh, now that you mention that” Richtofen interrupted “how come only you and your sister knew about our existence?” he grinned “mein mind has formed many theories, but I want to hear about it”

“I would tell about it, Edward” she replied “but that part of Equestrian history is forbidden knowledge” she looked at Twilight Sparkle “for important reasons”

“What!?” the violet unicorn said with great shock and surprise “but princess... you mean...”

“Please calm down, Twilight Sparkle. My sister and I have kept that secret for a long time” she looked at the sky and sighed “I can only tell you it happened during the dark ages”

“When Discord ruled Equestria?” the Princess nodded her head “but...”

“Please stop, my faithful student” she said with a serious tone “and do not bring this topic ever again” the violet unicorn lifted her head down.

“Yes, Princess”

Richtofen, after witnessing the scene, grinned widely and said “oh my, this place is more interesting than ze doctor thought” he stood up and approached to the teleporter mainframe “but sadly, I have more important things to do. Maybe next time” he then thought “if there’s a next time”

“And what is this thing exactly?” Twilight asked while she approached to the machine console and looked at it. She lifted her hoof, but before she could get it closer to it, Richtofen slapped it.

“Do not touch it; it’s not designed for hooves”

“Ouch. Then why did you need my book? Is it because of this artifact?”

“That is correct, mein kleine pony” he pulled out the book and gave it to her “by the way, I don’t need it anymore”

The unicorn took it with her magic and noticed a folded corner on a page. She opened the book and read the title: “zap apple trees”, she then turned back to Richtofen “why would you need zap apple juice? Why not just use normal apples?”

“Just as fuel; this “artifact” needs a lot of energy and those special apples hold extreme amounts of it”

“Well...” she remained thoughtful for a moment “what would happen if we use normal apples?”

Richtofen looked at her with a mocking smile, put his hand on her mane and said “just when I thought you were smart, you show you are naive. Very well” he turned to Princess Celestia “your highness, would you please magically appear a gallon of apple juice?”

“Richtofen, I don’t think she...”

“Not a problem” the Princess announced, interrupting her student. Her horn glowed and a jar of apple juice appeared on his hands.

“Oh, danke!” he handed the container to the unicorn and said “you’ll have the honor to see what happens when this pretty doesn’t get enough source”. After she reluctantly took the jar with her magic, he pointed at the bottom of the mainframe. She emptied the content on it and then looked back at Richtofen.

“What will happen, will it explode or what?” she asked

“Nein, it just shows some views from mein world. With low power, I cannot control the age or the location” he grinned mischievously “But I think I can show you the vunders of the Reich!”

“Just that?”

“Ja, ze machine is not perfect yet. Anyway” he approached to the console and turned it on. The violet unicorn saw the lightning coming from the mainframe and stood back from it. As the doctor was typing on the console, the mainframe created a curtain of lightning above it.

“Princess, I don’t trust in his inventions” Twilight said slightly scared to the white winged unicorn as she stood close to her.

“Do not fear, my faithful student, I will ensure nothing goes wrong”

Meanwhile, the German was still programming the machine in an attempt to redirect it to the time and location he wanted. The lightning got denser and blurry images could be seen. As moments passed, the images were getting clearer and also the sounds they emitted.

“Nein! This thingie is too stubborn” he said. Then, he looked at the images and sighed “once again, I have to do this manually” he took a small remote controller, pointed at the lightning screen and pushed a button. He then proceeded to look through the images.

“Let me see if this one’s right” he thought and pressed another button. Suddenly, something could be clearly heard from the screen:

“This is madness” a voice said. The image showed several men wearing only underpants, capes and holding spears.

“Madness?” another voice replied This is....!”

“Nein, too far” Richtofen interrupted and pressed a button, changing the time period. It showed two persons talking after a brief sword fight.

“Look, you stupid bastard, you got no arms left” one of them said

“Yes I have” the other one, with a black armor, replied

“Look!”

“’Tis just a flesh...”

“Still too far” Richtofen said after pressing the button again. This time, the image was cartoonish. It showed an interview during the modern era.

“Some people say you are bipolar”

“I’m not bipolar; I’m bi-winning...”

Once again, Richtofen pressed the button and said with a weird glimpse and mumbled: “what was that?” Meanwhile, Twilight and Princess Celestia were just looking at the images without saying anything

The next image showed a man with blond hair holding a microphone, singing.

“Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you...”

“Nein” the human pressed the button again “but it was a catchy song”. The next image was all pixilated and showed someone with a green cape and only half of his face intact. He laughed with a robotic tone and said:

“All your base are belong to...”

“Nein!” Edward clicked the button again. He was getting desperate, but he hid it with a face of confidency. He turned his head back to the Princess and said “sorry for ze technical difficulties” he then turned back to the screen and tried one more time.

“His diabolical plan is to, you guessed it, take over the world”

“Of course!”

In his anger, he turned off the machine and plugged off the control console. After he kicked the mainframe and emptied the rest of the juice, he turned to the ponies.

“Well, ze shitty machine will not work properly until ze zap apple juice is inside it” he sighed “so, what now?”

While Twilight was still gasping after seeing the weird and random images, Princess Celestia held her calm state and said “while you wait for your partners to come, you miight as well look for the liquid you are looking for”

“No matter” he replied “Nikolai will bring it to me after he comes back” he looked at his watch “we still have plenty of time left. For ze doctor, even a single minute is enough to achieve anything!”

The violet unicorn, who already snapped out of her shocked state, said “anything but show us your magnificent land”

“I wouldn’t talk if I were you” he replied upset “drunk bookworm unicorn pony”

“Why shouldn’t I, shaved ape?”

Richtofen was about to reply her when the Princess interrupted “Twilight Sparkle, what have I told you about how to treat visitors?”

“He’s more like an invader than a visitor”

“Twilight” she said serious

“And why can’t we just give him what he needs so they go away?”

The royal winged unicorn closed her eyes and sighed. She then said calmly “remember we must tolerate and love others no matter how they think or act”

“But Princess, they got us all into trouble...”

“I did nothing!” Richtofen interrupted “it was Nikolai, not me.”

“You two please stop” Celestia said with a slightly louder tone.

Twilight was about to answer when she suddenly saw a gray Pegasus flying clumsily straight to the Princess as she was talking and laughing with Nikolai. She gasped and, instinctively, yelled: “Princess, watch out!”

The white winged unicorn turned around and quickly moved her head, avoiding the Pegasus. She was looking at her when she was pushed by the drunken human.

“Hello ‘ello everypony!” Derpy said with a big smile.

“Hey Richtofen, look what I found” Nikolai said to his partner “say hello to my comrade”

“Oh wunderbar” he replied “you found a Pegasus instead of the others” he looked at the gray Pegasus and she saluted him.

“Derpy, what are you doing here?” Twilight asked “aren’t you supposed to deliver mail on Ponyville right now?”

The gray Pegasus ignored her, turned to the Princess, grabbed her right hoof and shook it as she said “Princess Celestia, nice to see you around here!”

The Princess couldn’t help but to giggle at such innocent act and cuddled her mane. “I am glad to see my loyal subjects greet me in their own way”

“Oh Princess” she pointed at Nikolai “meet Nik, he’s my new best friend since today” she grinned and flew around him “he even helped me to complete my job. No wrong mails this time”

The Princess looked at Nikolai, smiled and said “greetings, my visitor”

As for Nikolai, he turned around and noticed her presence. He looked at her for a brief moment with no emotion and then pointed at her. “Oh shit! Queen Horse changed colors” he then tilted his head “and buttmark. Looks like bottom of a yellow bottle... full of vodka”

The German doctor gave him a scat and said “stupid Russian, she’s not Princess Luna; she’s Princess Celestia”

“Ohhh” he replied with interest “guess Nikolai will receive punishment again”

“Vhat?”

“Nevermind” he turned back to the Princess and then said defiant “you came here to stop party too? Too bad party ended”

“I understand my sister went a bit far yesterday, but she did it for your own sake”

“For fuck’s sake, bitch took my vodka away. Besides...”

“Nik” Derpy interrupted him “please respect the Princess”

“And why should I? After revolution, royalty is worthless for Nikolai”

“Please Nik” Derpy said with a puppy face “do it for me, your comrade”

“All right, all right” he sighed and noticed Twilight was looking at him with disgust “well, the fuck you are looking at?”

“She’s Twilight” Richtofen said to him “and she’s way smarter than you, Nikolai” he then said with a high pitched tone “she also can do ze magicks”

“Oh” he replied excited “like blue commie horse”

“Who?” the violet unicorn asked confused.

“I think she’s called Pixie, I don’t remember well” he pointed at her horn “so, can you cast vodka?”

“Excuse me?” she stared at him and then her eyes widened “I remember you now! You’re the one who ruined the party” she turned to the Princess and said “Your highness, he’s the responsible for all this”

“Here we go again” Nikolai mumbled upset “every time something goes wrong, they blame drunk one”

“Nikolai” Celestia said, interrupting his line of thought “May I ask why did you add alcohol on their drinks?”

“Just for fun and games, I don’t think there’s other reason”

“Fun?”

“Of course, white queen horse. No party is real party until there’s vodka... or someone dies” his smile faded “no horse died, right?” the Princess declined with her head “good, then why so much fucking drama?”

“No pony was prepared for your style of “fun”, Nikolai” the Princess said with a calmed tone “and you now know how they react when they are under the effects of it”

“Okay, okay, I got it!” he yelled “I learned lesson now, happy?”

“I am glad to hear that” she smiled “I will make sure my sister cancels your punishment”

“That’s music to my ears” he turned to his partner “hey Richtofen, are we ready to go kill some more zombies?”

“I don’t see the others around” he sighed “you were supposed to look for them”

“Meh” Nikolai shrugged “I got tired of looking for them. Let’s say they’re dead and then we use your tereporter, okay?”

“Nein; we all must stick together” he laughed and then said “soon it will be all over, soon!” and, when he noticed he was being looked by the others, coughed and said “I mean, more minions will die”

Derpy looked at Richtofen for a brief moment, scratched her head and then she asked to Nikolai: “Nik, is he always that scary? I don’t like to be scared”

“It happens” he replied and then turned around “I will be taking a big Russian bear shit if someone looks for me” he then walked to the woods.

“Ew” Twilight mumbled. Then, an awkward silence reigned upon them.

“Well well well” Richtofen said, breaking it “it seems like it’s starting to get late. Those folks better arrive or mein plans will be delayed again” he looked around and sighed “and it’s not amusing to just wait”

“Maybe I can help” the gray Pegasus said as she raised a hoof, she looked on her mail bag and pulled out a gun. It was small, red and on its top there was a compartment with a strange kind of energy on it. “I found this bubble gun yesterday. It’s fun to pop bubbles” she said with a smile and then aimed to the sky.

“How did she get that?” Twilight wondered and then she noticed Richtofen running to the Pegasus.

“Nein! Don’t shoot...” just before he could take the weapon, Derpy managed to shoot it once. The human looked how the red ray travelled just above him, destroying his hat.

Meanwhile, Nikolai heard the shot. He just looked back and put his pants on. He kicked some dirt to his “waste” until it was covered and then begun to go with the others.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightning spawned right in front of him. He stepped back while he felt awkward and saw two shapes forming inside of it. After a few moments, he recognized who they were and grinned.

“Oh, look who they are” he said “blue comrade and Dempsey”

The azure unicorn just stared at him with a serious glimpse and said: “Nikolai...”

“Nice” Dempsey said sarcastically, interrupting her “can I leave now?”

“Be gone, Trixie needs you no more” she replied; she didn’t deign to even see him.

“All right” he walked away and mumbled: “bitch”

She waited until Dempsey was far enough and then said to Nikolai: “Trixie has been looking for you everywhere”

“I guess I know why you are looking for me, and the answer is no”

“Really?” she said surprised

“Of course” he pulled out an empty bottle and showed it to her “I ran out of vodka.”

“Seriously...” she put a hoof on her face “Trixie wasn’t looking for you because of that.”

“Okay, but you still owe me a drink... or seventy four” he remained thoughtful and then said “then it must be because of what that fancy horse told me earlier”

“Fancy horse?”

“Hairity”

“You mean Rarity”

“Whatever. She told me to not to talk about last night”

“Yeah, exactly”

“So, how’s the wound going?”

“What wound?” Nikolai pointed her head.

“That horse hit you hard with a bat. Then you passed out”

“Trixie doesn’t remember.”

“Then you are lucky. I just want to forget this”

“So...” she hesitated “did you... ehem... did we...?”

“Nah. I’m drunk, but not stupid” he approached to her “it was good to talk with blue comrade commie, but I must get going”

“Wait” she held him with her magic “Trixie hates it, but she must apologize for this”

“Just forget it... unless you got some vodka”

“I don’t have any”

“Then just forget it”

As they were talking, Derpy was looking at them from the top of a tree. She went to look for her friend after she noticed he was taking longer than normal. Her face showed sadness as she thought the azure unicorn and him were having a better time than he had with her.

“Trixie must do something. A traveler magician must never leave things without conclussion”

“Okay okay” he leaned against a tree “what do you plan to do?”

“Well...” she put her hoof on her chin and then smiled “I can grant you one wish. Trixie master the arts of magic”

“Then I wish for a case of vodka”

“Except alcohol” she said slightly annoyed

“How disappointing; okay then” he looked around. “One wish, one single wish” he thought; “no vodka, no alcohol, no chance to get rid of Takeo. Think Nikolai, think”

“Grant a wish? What kind of unicorn is she?” Derpy thought and then she looked at Nikolai “and she looks way too interested on Nik”

“That’s it!” Nikolai said loudly “I will get what I’ve been looking for since first wife”

“And that’s...” Trixie said confused.

“Turn into good woman. Not big, not fat, not looking like Nikolai, not bitch, no smelly and not big bear”

“What? Are you serious?”

He pointed at his face “does this face look unsure?”

“Very well” her horn glowed and her shape slowly changed. Her hooves changed into hands, her legs turned into arms, her horn disappeared and her azure coat turned into light skin. After the spell was fully casted, she looked at herself and felt weird for a moment.

“Ohh, now that’s something I like... almost as good as vodka... and much better than all ex-wives together” Nikolai said happily “especially since you only wear cape and hat”

“Ah!” Trixie quickly noticed her lack of clothes and covered her breasts with her left arm and her tight with her right hand. Although her face was blushing, she looked at him upset “You never told Trixie human bodies were too... exposed”

“Heh heh, at least you are most pretty woman I’ve ever seen”

“You pervert. Was it your plan all this time?” she yelled

“Actually, I told you to forget it. You wanted to mend this, and now you made me happy; very very happy”

“But... but” she couldn’t contain her anger anymore and yelled: “Trixie will never forget this, you hear? Never!” she then used her magic to teleport away.

“That was fun” Nikolai thought as he turned around and went with the others “heh, little Nikolai is not so little now”

Meanwhile the gray Pegasus, after seeing what happened, closed her eyes and attempted to hold her sadness. She cleaned a treacherous tear with her right hoof and then she took a deep breath. After calming herself down, she said: “I thought you were different, Nik. You are just like everypony else; you just pretend to hang out and then forget me after they find a better friend”. She unfolded her wings and lifted herself up slowly. She looked at the same direction Nikolai went for a brief moment and then she flew away.