Wearing a death mask, a la Mother Talzin's wrinkly, bleached, face, Starlight Glimmer emerged from the black cortosis caldron. "Have you seen my flesh?!" she asked a cavalcade of colorful ponies, many covered in blood, viscera, you know... the sort of stuff that happens every second in the Star Wars universe that the censors can't show. (Whoa! The Censors aren’t sure this is appropriate for Discovery Family.)

Sunset Shimmer and Trixie Lulamoon didn't know what to do with all the "Ha"s as they dropped the ribs they were busy sorting. (They were having a cookout of course… probably vegetarian ribs)

Starburst, his cape a splotched, if gloriously radioactive color of Christmastime crimson and neon peppermint green (He was painting), squinted at Starlight and did his best to grimace away a grin, "Staaaaaaaaarlight," he crooned, "We're suppose to be on vacation!"

"Yeah," chimed in Flash Sentry, a rib still dripping with red (probably not->) blood meatily smashed to his forehead, "from being treated like barricades against the tide of insanity that is living in Canterlot and it's thatch'd roof, glorified hut suburb."

"What, what, WHAT?! " Exclaimed Twilight in disbelief, trying her damndest to aim each 'What?!' at a specific target.

"How dare you?!" responded Adagio Dazzle, her horn jutting out from a, normally, fluffy mane now dripping with (probably The Censors have been waylaid by Banditos. Send help!. not->) body fluids. “There are plenty of fine establishments in Ponyville, like Rarity’s Boutique… uh… Panic Station’s ecliptic collection of carpets and surprisingly complete assortment of lab equipment…” she squinted upwards, searching her brain for at least one more notable town feature that set Ponyville apart from a hoe dunk collection of Earth ponies living in the shadow of an oligarchical day-nightmare castle. Her patient crescent grin appeared “…Twilight’s giant-ass crystalline Ent Entity that occasionally causes fires amongst the residence if the Eternal Empress of Ponykind is drunk off her arse (on SODA!) and her death-orb of giant lasers is magnified until it becomes part of the insanity and decreases local property values.”

Aria Blaze, her lilac wings, covered with sausagy intestines (Probably vegetarian The Short..er..STOUT yellow banditos have sort of allowed us to continue or jobs sausages.) wings fully erect, smirked, “Somewhere in this ‘verse a forcian witch Alcolyt wincing like a couple billion voices cried out in offended and were too fuckin’ shocked to walk a couple blocks and knock.”

Vinyl Scratch, her white face and indigo-electric blue googles splashed Party Poison red, simply grinned slightly and nodded in agreement (Hasbro Approved. Oh Good, this part’s on brand. )

Starlight adjusted the droopy and still quite moist (Talzin was likely also eating messy ribs. Oh no! These copyrighted creatures are taking over our jobs!) face mask she was wearing. “So does anyone need to buy some Big Choopas, Grot-Prods, or Power Klaws? I already have enough for a Warbuggy…” Starlight survived her surroundings. “I do not need to spring for the red paint job.” (Starlight is VERY cheap! What?! No! Her marketability.)

Starlight once again grimaced past his clenched teeth. “Starlight, you know that paint stains alot better than blood! (Hurray! A furry creature has joined us to correct thought crime!Starlight sells almost as well as Twilight! The board will be furious!)

Starlight upturned her nose. “I want use every part of the buffalo!”

Sunburst raised an eyebrow, “Starlight! You’d have to use a shovel and fill a bathtub with ash to get some color out of most our victims!”

“Quary! Quary!” Twilight corrected. “As soon as that whole {Twilight air-quoted with her wings} Rancor Riding for the kids went awry, they became enemies of The State and we were duty bound to conquer their lands for Equestria.”

Flash twerked his lips. “Twi-baby, they were going to eat us, probably the kids first. It was written all over their faces.” (Whoa! That seems inappropriate for a TV-Y-7 show, we should bump that up to TV-MA! OH MY FUCKING GOD! HASBRO IS GOING TO SEND A HIT SQUAD AGAINST US AND OUR FAMILIES!)

“Mommy!” A midnight purple, splashed scarlet, alicorn colt cried out. “They were going to eat us for sure! This was some Three Kindomy nonsense trip!” (Eating kids is probably acceptable under TV-MA.No, you idiot! They are going to send two no that you used the eff word!)

“They where totally going to eat us!” Chimed in a eggplant colored Alicorn coltish tike.

“Mommy needed the cultural experience!” Twilight snapped back.

“Twiiiilight!” Crooned Sunburst.

“Traitor Husband!” snarled Starlight.

“We could have gone antiquing Hutt’s palace and it would have been safer than this trip.”

Starlight continued, “Ten-Thousand Traitor Legions upon your Hou-Wait, a minute… This might be my fault.” (Uh-oh… James Workshop might give us a threatening call! Like I fuckin’ care! Dead is dead, you dumb fuck!)

Sunburst whipped his head around. “Starlight, roughly everything is your fault!”

“It’s true!” Allegrezza agreed. “She told me if I said anything she’d kill me!” (Starlight threatening children is definitely on-brand! )

Author note: I’m tired of wrapping a description of every new pony, and there are myriads of new ponies on the way, so here’s the pups!

“Traitor cousin!” hissed a tiny, probably Sunburstian, mare named Starly, her horn jutting out the eye of a droopy, feminine face. Many of the ponies and Qurin present, especially those with curly hair just didn’t know what to pay attention to. Their wacka-doodled parents? The raw, but soon to be cooked face buffet that awaited? The fact that the author showed up long enough to explain he was going to phone in some things?

How dare you terror children! I hope you all enjoy the eye of terror, you briarpatching bastards!

(Well, I don’t know how tramatizing being thrown into a black-hollish gate to Chaos land is, but that’s probably irresponsible of a parent.Damnit, my causin Dale brought his fuckin’ “World Famous” Chilli. He’s only been to Canada and we LIVE here.)

“That’s unfair!” claimed Starlight. “Cheepy-cheep Twilight booked us a space-flight so cheep and friendtraininly M.C. Escherish that Sunset burned the ship down twice while we were still on it! I just was so put out about the experience I almost let us burn a second time.”

“Trixie saved everyone!” A tiny tike mare said, the spitting image of Trixie, if Trixie wore a bloody, bleached face for a cape instead of a shimmering purple cape. “I don’t know if she can teleport us out of the Eye of Terror.”

Sunset just chuckled crazily to herself. “I sure did, I sure did.”

Justice, the navy-blue alicorn self-insert nuzzled his hyper-wife. “Yes you did, and I was their to say ‘We don’t need no water, let this mother fucker burn.” (Ha! They could say that in a Tean fic, anyhow! No! Them Yellow banditos have rescued my horrible family! This is worse than the hit squads!) Sunset gave her husband a quick smooch, only to find the mischievous bastard had quickly donned Asajj Ventress’s face.

“Damnit Traitor Husband!” Spat out Sunset as she spat in attempt to clean her lips. “!,000 Astartees on your house!”

Justice bolted out of the cave, many confused colts, foals, and Qurins following him. “Sith-spawn! My hutt will collapse under that many space marines!.”

Not one to be outdone, Sunset her kids, clearly Justice’s kids as well, and a bunch of their cousins quickly dooned face masks, and/or face capes and gave pursuit, Sunset yelling, “No! My expensive gourdes!”

“Juuuuustice, Suuuuunset, You don’t even know where Ventress lives.”

“No, seriously,” Starlight growled. “I’ll wish enough traitor legions on your… bathroom that there are years in that thing I’m referencing.”

“We’re looking for a pile of Space Marines!” cried Sunset as she galloped further away.

“I was going to look for a crater full of my broken, gourdian-related, dreams!”

Starlight sighed. “I was going to eat those faces…”

Not even bothering to say her name, Sunburst turned. “Like all of them? Greedy to eat a many like that… You fat pregnant bitch!”

Everyone in earshot had a problem regarding their jaws and tripping over them. The rolling storm of laughter only increased when A tiny, Botton Mashian tyke wearing a dripping (Hah! Probably with bar-bee-q sauce!), tiny crown of fingers quickly crowned Aria Blaze. “You almost committed Titular Heresy! Now you are the Queen of the Zabraks!”

Aria Blaze reigned (Oh shit! Was that a speciest comment?!) in her hysterical laughter long enough to say “What?!”

“Hey!” Protested Vinyl (Whee! We finally offset toyetic cash-flow loss by adding marketability to a recently mute horse! Oh God! Hasbo is gonna release the nukes! ) “What am I going to do if I have to become a Princess, do I get a free Jedi Master?”

“Mom!” Barked a tiny coltish Vinyl Scratch. “You already have a horn! We made you a necklace of ears. Instead!”

As Vinyl was laughingly being leied, Sunburst exclaimed, “Horror child, those ears where supposed to be for the appitizers!”

“That’s right,” agreed Starlgiht. “Pinkie, Dan, your uncle, and I spent a lot of time dancing to Huie Lewis and the News and slicing off those ears with straight razors!”

Somewhere close… A certain Red Gas can watches a funeral pyre with an a white Astro Unit (R4-DA) and a dozen Jawas.

Author's Note

"Things are looking up, looking down." --Hellsing