Coconut Cream Pie

“Anon, would you fuck my little sister?”

“What?!”

Bacon Sizzle, age eighteen, is now asking you, Anon, whether you would have sexual relations with his little sister Coconut Cream, age eight. At least, that’s what it sounds like he’s asking. As you raise an eyebrow in curiosity while he waits for your answer with a smug look on his face, you scoff awkwardly, trying to think of how he even came up with a question like that. Had you done something weird since you walked in? Had you spent too long talking to his little sister before the two of you went up to his room to have bro time?

“Naw, I’m just messin’ with you, dude,” Bacon Sizzle says before you can answer, allowing you to wipe a sweat drop from your forehead. It’s not that you’re attracted to his little sister at all, but at the same time, you want to avoid the possibility of being mistaken for being attracted to her, which would make things even weirder, especially since you hang out at his place all the time.

You and Bacon Sizzle have been friends since high school when everyone was making fun of you for having hands and walking on two feet, despite how in your world, your species would ride them just for fun. It was never really explained how you ended up there in the first place, but once you and Bacon Sizzle became friends, none of that other stuff really seemed to matter anymore. The two of you just accepted that that’s how reality apparently works sometimes, and even if you could change things around to put yourself back in your world, it wouldn’t necessarily be any better than the world you’re living in now.

“What would you have done if I said yes?” you reply at his terrible joke.

“Uhh, I would break your dick for one, and number two, I would never let you see her again.”

“...Again, I’m still not sure why you asked me in the first place. In fact, now that you’ve told me the consequences, even if I was attracted to your sister, I would still say no.”

“You’d better.”

Bacon Sizzle then proceeds by levitating a potato chip into his mouth while flipping over the page of his comic book as he lays comfily on his bed, leaving you sitting on the floor without snacks or entertainment. This was supposed to be a sleepover where the two of you do whatever bros do when they have a totally heterosexual bros night, but so far, it’s just been the two of you talking about random junk while you sit on the floor. Not that that’s bad or anything; in all honesty, with all the awkwardness that comes about when you’re a human living in a place where you’re the anomaly, it’s nice to actually just have a normal conversation every once in a while, like you’re just like everypony else. Oh, crap. Are you seriously starting to use the word “everypony” now too? As if this night could get any worse.

*Bzzzzzt! Bzzzzzzt!*

And here it comes!

“Hello?” Bacon Sizzle says, answering his cell phone with his horn, making you wonder how earth ponies could ever use those things. “Wait, tonight?! But this is so last minute! Are you sure Summer Breeze can’t… Oh, Summer Breeze has been in an accident? OK, uh… Yeah, I understand. I’ll be right there.”

Just as Bacon Sizzle hangs up his phone, though, he covers his face with his pillow and groans angrily. “Sounds like somepony had a fun conversation there,” you say with a jocular tone in your voice. “What’s going on?”

“That was my boss. Sorry, Anon, but it looks like the sleepover might not happen tonight. There was a last minute emergency and they need someone there to--SHIT!”

“Wow. Sounds pretty serious. You sure you’ve eaten enough chips for that?”

“No, don’t be weird.” Then, looking at his phone and back at the clock to his side, his face grows more and more nervous. “It’s Coconut Cream. I told my parents that you and me would stay here to babysit while they spend the night in Fillydelphia, but if I don’t go into work right now, I could lose my job!”

Suddenly, just as you were beginning to whine about how much your sleepover sucked, the fact that it’s beginning to unravel like this makes you legitimately disappointed that it’s coming to a close this soon. “Well, what time do you finish? Maybe she could go over to a friend’s house while I stay here and wait for you?”

“That’s it, Anon!” Bacon Sizzle exclaims, grabbing you by the shoulders with a shake.

“What’s it? Was that legitimately a good idea?”

“No! I mean, yes, but--Anyway, what if you babysat my kid sister while I went to work? I should be back by eleven and we can have an up all night party after that!”

When you had cleared up your busy schedule of not doing anything today, the last thing you had in mind was babysitting some eight year old filly while her brother was at work. How do you even entertain a kid like that? The first idea that comes to your head is to flat out tell him no so you can just spend the rest of the day back at your place, but even if you took off on him, that wouldn’t fix the problem of his sister needing supervision. He had invited you into his home, after all, and calling it a dick move would be an understatement if you bailed on him in his time of need just because you didn’t want to be bored for a couple hours.

With his grin widening and your shoulders slumping, you exhale a sigh and say, “Fiiine. Is there anything I should know before you take off, or…?”

“Yeah! Don’t let her burn down the house or die. I think that’s about everything.”

By this point, Bacon Sizzle is already making his way towards the front door, causing you to think that there might be something important that he’s glossing over. “Wait! Hold on a second! Am I supposed to cook her dinner or--?”

“Anon, you’ve hung out with me a hundred times by now. I’m pretty sure you know Coconut Cream better than anyone else I can think of, and if she needs anything, I’m pretty sure you would know how to take care of it. Besides, if she gets hungry at all, she’ll probably cook you something. That is her special talent, after all.”

“OK. Cool. So uh… see you at eleven?”

“Yup. See ya, Anon!”

Then, upon slamming the door in a haste, he leaves you alone in the house with his sister, making the nerves kick in despite the fact that all you have to do is literally just prevent a fire or death from happening. She hadn’t done either of those two things before, so there shouldn’t be any problem with it tonight, right? Still, though, even though it would take a borderline act of Celestia for something to go wrong in the next couple hours while Bacon Sizzle is at work, it still feels like you need to check up on her, just to make sure everything’s OK. The last thing you want is your negligence to end up being the cause of your best friend’s parents getting a divorce or something similarly unrealistic.

As you tiptoe your way into the living room, you see a small filly with a light cyan coat, a pink and green mane, and a coconut pie cutie mark sitting on the sofa, flipping through a book. ‘Good,’ you think, turning your back to head up the stairs again. ‘She’s just reading. There’s no way she could cause any trouble just by reading… But what if she’s reading a book on anarchism? Isn’t that what foals these days are into? What if it’s some kind of communist agenda book? Her brother would hate you forever!’

“Heeeeeeeyyyy, Coconut Cream!” you say, entering the room. “Whatcha reading there?”

“Princess Twilight gave me her friendship journal!” she replies with excitement, despite never taking her eyes off the text. “I’m just learning about the time she couldn’t come up with a lesson she learned about friendship, so she ended up making a friendship problem.”

“Oh, I remember that story! Yeah, Twilight was better before she got wings.” This time, Coconut Cream pulls herself away from her book just to give you a weird look before going back to reading silently. The unexpected response along with the sudden silence, however, begins to fill you with self-consciousness, making you believe that if you don’t somehow turn the conversation around, she’ll tell her brother how she hated being babysat by you. “Soooooo… Do you… like reading?”

“Yup.”

Coconut Cream flips a page, somehow making the situation even more awkward.

“Do you have any… favorite books?”

“Not really.”

Again, she flips a page, but this time, you know she did it just to piss you off! Her smile isn’t fooling you! There’s no way a filly can read that fast! In fact, if she thinks she can just toy with your anxiety like everypony else you went to high school with, you’ll just have to keep on bugging her until she’s tired of subtly making fun of you. That’ll totally make her respect your authority as babysitter of the house!

“Do you have any friends at school?”

“Yup. Do you?”

That bitch!

“Well, there’s your brother Bacon Sizzle, for starters. Then there’s Paisley Stripes, and… uh… I-Indigo Plateau…”

At this point, Coconut Cream takes her head out of her book with concern in her face, closing the contents as she raises an eyebrow. “Are you feeling OK? I feel like you just made that last name up from somewhere.”

“Oh, you don’t know Indigo Plateau? He’s my pal.”

The filly’s eyes begin to grow more suspicious. “You know that Indigo is a girl’s name, right?”

“OH! Well, uh… he just recently became a boy. It was actually a big event at school. There were fireworks and everything. You shoulda been there.”

With her book now closed, Coconut Cream breathes out a long sigh, hopping off of the couch to get a better look at you, despite how far back she needs to lean her neck just to see you. “Anon, I’m starting to worry about you. Are things going OK with you and my brother? I know he can be a little bit of a blockhead sometimes, but I really hope you two don’t end up fighting. You’re kind of the only friend he has ever since he graduated from high school.”

“What? Oh, no! No. It’s nothing like that.” You try laughing it off, but as this filly’s expression of concern continues to penetrate your self-image, the fake chuckles coming out of your mouth begin to sound less and less convincing. “I just realized that I spend so much time with him that I never really get a chance to know you, like the real you. Is there anything troubling you these days? Any boy troubles I can help you out with?”

With her face contorting in disgust more than ever, she shakes her head and says, “I’m… going to go use the bathroom.” You can’t let her just leave on that note, though! Just think of what kind of ideas her brother would have if he found out you were trying to talk romance to his sister while the two of you were all alone! He would think you’re a total creep with no friends, so to prove that you’re not, you follow her to the bathroom, waiting outside patiently just in case she needs help with anything.

“Just let me know if you need some extra toilet paper or… something.” As soon as you try talking to her through the door, though, the sink in the bathroom turns on, draining out any noise that either of you might hear from the other side of the door. “So how are your grades doing?”

“Go away, Anon.”

She can’t just tell you what to do like that! You’re the head of the household here! You’re the one who tells her to go away…! Well… probably not in this exact circumstance, but she still has no right to boss you around just because her brother isn’t there to set her straight! In fact, as soon as she steps out of that bathroom door, you’re going to tell her straight up that you’re in charge, and if she doesn’t listen to you, you’re going to put her in timeout and take away her phone!

The very next moment, the sinks turn off, and as you turn your back, you see Coconut Cream walking out of the restroom with an annoyed look on her face, which you're not about to tolerate. “Did you wash your hooves?”

“Seriously, Anon? I'm not a baby.”

“Then why am I here to babysit you?”

Suddenly, just as Coconut Cream begins walking away, she freezes instantly, turning around slowly to give you an accusatory stare, making you gulp in hopes that you hadn't fucked up. “What do you mean ‘babysit’?”

“Uh… When I say babysit, what I'm really trying to say is… uh…” Yup. You screwed the pooch. No matter what you tell her at this point, there's no denying the fact that you had somehow struck a sensitive chord, and when her brother comes home, he's probably gonna be pissed. “You know what? Why don't I get you some icecream?”

“I thought you were here to hang out with my brother! You're telling me that he doesn't even trust me enough to be alone in the house by myself, so he asked you of all creatures to babysit me?”

“You know, the way you said that was kind of hurtful considering I just offered to buy you icecream…”

Despite your bribes to make her feel better, Coconut Cream groans angrily, stomping her way back to the living room without so much as looking at you. You need to turn things around before she gets angry at her brother who will then get angry at you, but so far, it seems like all you've managed to accomplish is making an awkward situation worse. As she gets back onto the sofa and angrily flips through her book again, though, she makes an obvious effort not to look back in your direction, creating an even harsher feeling in the air.

You want to say something that'll make things all better while still maintaining your authority as head of the household, but as you take a seat next to her on the couch, you can't think of a single thing that'll change how angry she is. “Listen,” you say, making her glare down at her book harder. “I don't want you to think that your brother doesn't trust you.”

“If he trusts me so much then why are you here? I thought he left already.”

“Yeah, but I'm just waiting for him to get back. I promise he's not paying me to be here or anything.” At this point, Coconut Cream is at least glancing in your direction, which you take to mean that you're somehow making this situation better, even though you still aren't a hundred percent there yet. “Your parents just made him promise that he wouldn't leave you home alone. Like what if you needed something?”

Finally, her glare is beginning to soften, and in the next couple of moments, she's looking back at you with her beautiful honeyglaze eyes… which you definitely aren't attracted to! Then, with a sigh, she says, “I'm sorry I snapped at you, Anon. I'm just so tired of everypony treating me like I can't take care of myself! I have a cutie mark, after all! What do they think is gonna happen? I'm gonna burn the house down and die?”

“...To be fair, your cutie mark does involve using the oven.”

Just as Coconut is about to go back to reading her book, she turns right back towards you, pointing her hoof in your face. “You see what I mean?!”

“You're right. You're right. You wouldn't have a cutie mark in something you couldn't be responsible with. Maybe we should just change the subject altogether.”

Suddenly, you see a small smile stretch up her cheek, making you breathe a small sigh of relief knowing that even if you screwed up before, hopefully this means it won't matter anymore. “Soooo what was that you were saying about icecream?”

Crap. Time to spend money. At the same time, though, her smile is so adorable that you don't mind spending a couple bits, like keeping her smiling suddenly matters more to you than anything else in the world. Either that or you realize just how much you're also in the mood for a snack after Bacon Sizzle ate all those chips in front of you. Probably the latter. Coconut Cream's beautiful smile sooo does not matter to you.

“That'll be twelve bits, please.”

Twelve bits for some stupid sundae that the two of you are just going to share anyway?! What kind of Marxist establishment are the Cakes running in this town to where they can justify taking advantage of their monopoly on all icecream establishments in Ponyville?! In fact, you're about to send it back and tell them never mind right about the same time as you see Coconut Cream looking back at you with another smile, waiting patiently for her frozen treat. Then, with a sigh, you pull out the coins from your pocket and place them on the counter, silently vowing to never return to this place ever again… unless Coconut Cream makes you come back.

“Thank you for your patronage!”

“Yeah, whatever. Coconut! I got us vanilla and chocolate swirl. Don't make fun of me, but I wasn't excited about any of the other flavors.”

The minute you place the bowl of icecream on the table, however, her eyes glow at the dessert in front of her, a response you would never expect when the Cakes had literally twenty-nine flavors to choose from. “How did you know that those two were my favorite flavors?” she asks, making you shrug in legitimate confusion.

“I guess after hanging out with your brother as long as I have, it just sorta comes naturally at this point.”

Rather than paying attention, however, she is already beginning to dig into her sundae, smiling wider after every bite, and if you don't start taking some initiative, she may very well finish it off before you get the chance to have any. At the same time, though, part of you wants to let her enjoy it as much as she would like, partly because you want her to like you and partly because you secretly want to keep seeing that cute face she’s making. It’s like with every bite she takes, she ends up smearing chocolate and vanilla all over her mouth, making it look like a clown did her makeup for her, but her enthusiasm is too intense to slow her down in the slightest.

Finally, though, just as she’s about to put another spoonful of icecream into her mouth, she stops midway with her mouth wide open and looks in your direction, making you quickly look away, hoping she didn’t notice you staring. “Are you gonna eat too, Anon?”

Well, that’s what you had anticipated when you spent the twelve bits to buy the dang thing in the first place, but how can you take sweets away from an even sweeter little girl? Then, however, you realize that icecream equals cavities and cavities equal her brother getting pissed at you. Plus you spent twelve freaking bits just to buy this thing!!

“Y-yeah!” you say, picking up a spoon and beginning to eat yourself while trying to hold down the brain freeze that’s already starting to burn on the inside. “OK, actually I can see why the Cakes charge twelve bits for these things now. This is actually delicious.”

“Anon… Are you OK?”

“Yeah, the brain freeze went away. Why?”

As soon as you look back up from your dessert, however, you see that her adorable smile has been replaced with an expression of concern, making you wonder whether eating was a good idea after all. “It’s just… you’ve been looking at me weird. Is there something on my face or something?”

A shitload of melted icecream, yes.

“S-sorry, Coconut Cream. I guess I’ve got a lot on my mind recently.”

Just as the filly puts another spoonful of vanilla in her mouth, she tilts her head and asks, “Really? Like what?”

Stop with the freaking cross-examination! “Like how you shouldn’t talk with your mouth full.”

Coconut Cream rolls her eyes, gulping down the icecream with a satisfying sigh, opening her mouth to reveal that all the white liquids in her throat had gone down to her stomach. Just as soon as you realize you’re staring again, though, you physically flinch backwards, trying to play it off like you weren’t just lewding Bacon Sizzle’s sister in your mind. Unfortunately, though, you can see from her new expression as she puffs her cheeks in a pout that you really need to work on hiding your mental awareness better.

“Come on, Anonnnn!” she desperately pleas, grabbing your arm and pulling almost urgently. “Tell meeee!”

“If I told you, I’d have to kill you.”

“Hmm…” Now for some reason, Coconut Cream is beginning to ponder your statement, putting her hoof to her chin while her tongue sticks out of her mouth. “Fine. I’d like pink daffodils at my service, and I want it to be on a Saturday so all my friends can come.”

Putting your head into your hands as your sudden headache begins to overwhelm your senses, you let out a groan, trying to figure out a way for you to weasel yourself out of this conversation. Unfortunately, though, Coconut Cream seems to be legitimately good at getting what she wants, which you hope isn’t going to lead to an even larger request before Bacon Sizzle comes home.

“Alright,” you say, taking your head out of your hands and placing them on the table. “I was thinking about you.”

Just as Coconut Cream is about to put another spoonful of icecream into her mouth, however, she stops halfway to give you a raised eyebrow. “Me?”

“Yeah. Just because… You know, I hang out with Bacon Sizzle all the time, but I barely get the chance to ever talk to you. I was just wondering why we never do stuff like this more often…”

Finally, after a small giggle, she puts the icecream in her mouth and eats it up, smiling the whole time while her cheeks begin to grow a shade of red. “Bacon Sizzle would never let you.”

“Sure he would. Why wouldn’t Bacon Sizzle let us do this?”

“Because this is a date.”

“Shut up. This is a what?”

Suddenly, you see an overweight mare begin to look over her shoulder, giving you the dirtiest glare before you shoo her away with your hands, making her shake her head as she turns back around. Coconut Cream, however, seems oblivious to the mare behind her and tilts her head, taking another bite of what is easily becoming her icecream sundae.

“Think about it,” she says, even though you don’t want her to. “You brought me to an icecream shop, bought my favorite two flavors, and now the two of us are eating it alone. What else would that be?”

You quickly look around the room just to make sure there are no ponies wearing FBI uniforms, but after confirming that you’re safe for the moment, you lean in towards the filly and whisper, “This isn’t a date! This is just me taking my friend’s sister out to get something to eat while he and his parents are away.”

“On a Friday night?”

Then, looking around the shop again, you find that other than the overweight mare at the table in front of you, all the other ponies are couples, sharing their own desserts just like you’re doing with Coconut Cream. You then turn back to the filly to somehow deny her claims yet again, but she just puts the last bite of icecream into her mouth, raising her eyebrow as she gives you a smug smile. You can’t tell whether she legitimately wants this to be a date or if she just enjoys making you suffer, but whatever she’s doing, it seems to be working pretty well for her.

“This isn’t a date!”

“Does that mean you aren’t going to walk me home?”

Again, the mare in front of you turns her head to the side to hear your answer, just so she can give you another disapproving gaze. “Will you stop eavesdropping on us, already?! Jeeze! If I seriously catch you looking back at us one more time, I will call Seaworld and get them to take you back to their whale exhibit. Actually, you know what, Coconut? Let’s take you back home.”

You’re sad that you didn’t get to experience much of the sundae you bought, which actually turned out to be worth the money, but anything would be worth getting away from this awkward misunderstanding. With Coconut Cream placing her spoon onto the bowl and licking the melted treat off of her lips, she quickly hops off of her chair and stands by your side while nudging your waist. When you look down to see what’s up, though, you see another devilish grin, which no doubt means that she’s probably going to crack another stupid joke about this totally platonic situation.

“Soooo are you gonna hold my hoof the rest of the way back?”

Then, with your cheeks growing red, you look away from the filly angrily, holding out your hand as you say, “Fine, but only because I can’t trust you to not get hit by wagons or something.”

“Thank you, Anon!~”

You’re still refusing to look down at her, but you can audibly hear the wink in her voice, and at that point you know that she’s going to dedicate the rest of the night to making you the butt of her jokes. “Bacon Sizzle, please come home early…”