John Sampson's Story

Celestia paused and looked intently at me, "Does any of this sound familiar to you, Bud?"

"I . . . I . . . You left part of it out. The part about the pit," Bud stammered.

"Bud, that is all of the official report I was given." Celestia said flatly, "Is there more?"

"We . . . We . . . were walking right next to the forest. Swift Trail was talking with the point pony about the best route when we came out from between some large rocks. As they stepped out past the rocks they just disappeared. I knew they didn't go far because I could hear Swift Trail. She sounded like an old Marine." Bud continued, "We later figured out that somepony had dug a pit trap there and in the dark they just walked right into it. The rest of the squad ran up and quickly divided into watch and rescuers. Both ponies were out of the pit in under a minute. But I couldn't stop laughing. This was the first time I'd seen a pony truly pissed and Swift Trail was the very image of an angry Marine child's doll."

So I grabbed the hatchet off of Fred's pack and volunteered to cut a sapling to leave in the hole as a warning to others. A minute later I was back with the ‘flag’. Swift Trail was cleaning up and I was down to a minor case of the giggles.

I still rated a harsh glare so I apologized, "Sergeant, I'm sorry. I know this isn't a laughing matter but you just triggered a memory from my home and I had to either laugh or cry." There is no way I am gonna stand in front of the squad and tell a veteran NCO that she reminds me of a child's toy! So I offered, "Sergeant, as far as I am concerned this never happened. If everyone else agrees, no word of this incident will ever escape my lips." Swift Trail grinned a little and nodded.

“The rest of our little march went pretty much as you said. I realize now that I just broke my word but I also know that everypony involved is long dead and gone.” There is much confusion in my head. ‘Marine’ is a concept from before Equestria but how can anything be 'before Equestria'? “How can I remember things that happened to this John Sampson?” Bud asked.

Celestia nodded. "We are making progress, Bud. John Sampson is still alive and it is up to us to find him and bring him home. Let’s continue our story."

Just as the sun begins its climb into the heavens, Big Mac opens the front gate to the Apple family farm and ambles out to greet his guests. Twilight had told him to expect two unusual visitors with a Royal Guard escort first thing in the morning and here they are. ‘Unusual’ is an understatement. Big Mac is called ‘Big’ for a good reason but as he approaches this pony he is looking up at the pony’s chest. “Howdy,” he drawls, “Jus’ follow me.” Big Mac turns and takes a few steps but the big pony just stands there. Turning back to the big pony Mac says, “This way.” But the big pony doesn’t move.

Then the other guest comes walking up and speaks, “He doesn’t speak your language but he does appreciate your attention to him. Tell me anything that you want him to know. My name is John and his is Fred.”

Big Mac is impressed again. This Man is nearly as tall as Fred. “Howdy, I’m Big Mac.”

The sergeant trots up just then, “And I’m Sergeant Swift Trail.” The sergeant quickly forms a column with herself, John, and Big Mac in the lead followed by Fred and the squad. They march past the main house and some storage barns, over the hill and past several planted fields, finally coming to a solitary barn.

“This barn and hay fields are yours for as long as you need them.” Big Mac turns and heads back to his chores.

“Doesn’t say much, does he?” John observes.

“That was probably his longest speech of the month,” the sergeant replies. “Let’s see what we have to work with here. The Princess can send or make anything so we need so start a list.”

“Let’s talk while we walk,” John said. “Big Mac is the first pony that I’ve got a good look at. All the Guard are in uniform and the Princess was just too distracting during the few minutes she was around. He seems to have a solid body color with a contrasting mane and tail. Do all of you follow that pattern?”

“With a few notable exceptions, like Zebras, yes,” the sergeant replied.

“Then your pattern of gray green body with red and gold striped mane and tail make absolute sense to me,” John declared. “And your name is perfectly descriptive. Are ponies generally so appropriately styled?”

“It’s part of our magic, John,” the sergeant explains. “Do you see that mark on my flank? That’s my cutie mark. Mine is a trail disappearing towards the horizon with a wind blowing down it. That’s my name and my talent which makes me perfect for Guard duty. We get them when we come of age. Can I assume that you don’t have one? And why do you stay covered up all the time?”

“No, I don’t,” John replied. “And I wear clothes because about seventy five percent of the hair on my body is what you can see on my head. Naked skin is too sensitive to both heat and cold so protection is needed. When we have a comfortable indoor place arranged I will wear a lot less.”

This got the sergeant’s attention. “I’m looking forward to that and I want a closer look at those hands some day. I wonder just what you can do with them.”

John just smiles from ear to ear, “Be very careful what you wish for sergeant.”

"How are you doing, Bud?" Celestia inquired.

"I remember Swift Trail. She was my first and best friend in Equestria. She taught me more about what it means to be a pony than all of the learned scholars put together. . . . How is she these days?"

"Welcome back, John. I'm glad to see you again," Celestia smiles. "I am afraid that Swift Trail has gone on from this world. We made our pact a little over four hundred years ago."

Nooo. . . .

“John, did you understand what I said," Celestia asked carefully.

"Your Majesty, I don't think he's here right now," ventured Bud. "Can you tell me how he got in my head?"

"Bud, philosophers could make a life's work out of trying to determine who is in whose head. I don't think it matters because neither of you is complete without the other. As to how you both got there, that's what this story is about. I was hoping that John could help me tell it. After all, he's the one that lived it." And with that, Celestia settles back to continue the story.

Before lunch ponies began arriving from town. They brought tables, chairs, food lockers, food, kitchenware, tableware, bedding, and all the things it takes to make our own little Guard base in the barn. Construction ponies put a private room for John and Fred on one end of the barn and barracks for the soldiers on the other end.

Princess Twilight shows up just after lunch with Spike and plenty of parchment. She finds Fred grazing out in the pasture as John leans against a nearby tree. The sergeant has sent them out here so the townsponies can get some work done instead of just staring at them.

Twilight hails John, “There you are. Can we talk for a few minutes? I have so many questions and so few answers.”

“Certainly,” John replied, “though I’m not sure how many answers I’ll have.”

Twilight pulls out a list and starts from the top, “Where did you come from?”

“I came from a trail through the Big Thicket in East Texas, one of the United States on the planet Terra in the Milky Way Galaxy,” John answers.

Spike carefully records his answer.

“Where did you find yourself in Equestria?”

“I don’t know. I came to rather hazily on bare dirt in darkness with Fred nosing me. I smelled smoke so when he wanted me to get up and move it seemed like a good idea. When the sun came up, we were in the woods not far from where Sergeant Swift found me.”

“When was that?”

“According to my phone it was June fourth two years ago. Today is July second.”

“What happened to send you here?”

“I don’t have the first clue.”

“Has this ever happened to you or anypony that you know of before?”

“No.”

“Do you know how to return to your home?”

“I suspect that this is my home now because I know absolutely nothing about how I got here much less how to get back.”

“. . . . . . Celestia?”

“John! How are you?” The Princess looks hopeful.

“I’m confused. Did you say ‘four hundred years’?”

“Four hundred and twenty two altogether, John. You knew that was a possibility.” Celestia watches John carefully.

“I remember that day. Twilight had so many questions. Every time I thought she had run out she would produce another page. So I decided to ask some questions of my own.”

“Princess, slow down for a minute please,” John interrupted. “Surely I get a few questions of my own.”

“Uh . . .Okay,” she answered.

“Who and what is the little scaly green and purple guy? He’s obviously not a pony.”

Twilight looks briefly puzzled, “That’s Spike. He’s a baby Dragon and my number one assistant.”

John smiles and turns toward Spike. “Hello, Spike. Pleased to meet you.”

Spiked grins sheepishly, “Thank you, John. Don’t mind Twi. She gets kinda obsessive whenever she finds something new and you are the biggest ‘new thing’ she’s seen in a while. She’ll come back down to earth once she thinks she has you properly catalogued.”

Turning back to Twilight, John says, “Princess, I need to know something about ponies so my answers can have proper context. For example, I haven't seen any sign at all of anything electrical. Do you understand and use electricity? Without that context things like the phone I mentioned earlier won’t mean much to you.”

Twilight sighs, “Of course we understand electricity, John. The Pegasi have complete control of the weather including lightning.”

“What else do you do with electricity?” John asks.

“Well, lightning can make a powerful weapon. But it’s really too destructive to use it around ponies all the time. There are some minor uses like lighting but it isn’t real common.”

“O. K. Show and tell time Princess.” John reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. “I was planning to take some pictures but this will be even more useful. This a Centipede Model 61 smartphone. It’s booting for the next few seconds.”

“Oh! Is that a picture of Fred?” Twilight exclaims. “That’s a very fine picture.”

“Yes it is. But that’s just decoration. If I touch one of the little icons, it can do things for me. The calculator, for example, can perform any mathematical operation that you can imagine. It can play music or store millions of pictures. But the best part, the part that will only work when I am on Terra, is that it will connect to a global network. I can use this network to see and/or speak to anyone anywhere as long as they have a phone too. And I can search the collected knowledge of mankind for answers to any question. That’s every book, magazine, paper, show, whatever that is recorded anywhere.”

“Uh. . . Princess?” No response. “Princess Twilight? Are you okay?” John pleads with Spike, “Can you help? I think I broke her.”

The Princess is frozen with eyes wide and wings straight up staring at John’s hand. Spike waves a claw in front of her eyes but she doesn’t blink. “John, maybe you should go somewhere else for a little while. I’ll take care of her.”

As John ducks behind the barn he runs into Swift Trail complete with the biggest grin he has ever seen on a pony. “Oh, John,” she giggles, “You’re in for it now!”

“Swift! Why is it funny that I’m in trouble for hurting the Princess?”

That set off a fit of full laughter from Swift Trail. “Oh My! You don’t know. John, the Princess isn’t hurt, she’s in heat.”

“What the hell are you talking about!!”

“The wings, John, it’s the wings. When a winged pony is ready to mate their wings stick straight up to get them out of the way. It's a reflex. The Pegusi call it a ‘wing boner’. You should know about royal privilege too. She’s a Princess so she can simply command any unattached stallion to service her and he can’t refuse. No pony would refuse anyway. It’s a great privilege.”

“NO NO NO NO ! ! !”

“Why not, John? You check a lot of boxes. Big. Strong. Intelligent. Exotic. Once you get into pony society you are going to have more mares than you know what to do with.”

“Swift, please, there’s something you don’t know about this. It isn’t me that set her off.”

“Who else was there? It couldn’t be Spike, he’s way too young. And Fred was fifty yards away. Who’s left?”

“It was my phone!” John moans. “I was showing her my smartphone when she locked up.”

“What in the bloody blue blazes is a ‘smartphone’ and how would it do that to her?”

“This is a smartphone,” John demonstrated, pulling it out of his pocket. “I was explaining to her how Terra was covered by a global network that let me use this phone to search every library on the planet for the answer to any question when she just froze.”

“Please, tell me you didn’t.” As Swift Trail began to giggle uncontrollably. The giggling degenerated to laughter which accelerated until Swift Trail was rolling on the ground completely out of control.

“What’s so damned funny?”

“Oh, John. I’m sorry but it’s just too funny. Princess Twilight Sparkle has a major book fetish. She spends all of her spare time cataloging her personal library and researching arcane subjects. And you just walk up and show her the ultimate library. And she has a major wing boner for it!” Swift Trail broke down with uncontrolled laughter again.

Several minutes later: “John, it would probably be better if you didn’t tell anypony about this. Twilight Sparkle is a nice mare and doesn’t have a mean bone in her body but it still isn’t wise to offend an Alicorn.”

Celestia said through intermittent giggles, “Oh, John. You did manage to get yourself into some situations, didn’t you. Is Bud in there with you?”

“I don’t feel alone but I can’t give you anything more specific than that. She doesn’t answer when called.”

“John, it will help if you believe that Bud can see and hear you. A simple wanting to share goes a long way to making it happen. And it works the same from Bud’s direction,” Celestia instructed.

“You did this! Can’t you just undo it?” John pleaded.

“Of course I could. And who knows, you might even emerge from the madness at least somewhat functional. Think of yourself and Bud as two buckets half full of water. If you were to try to mix the two buckets by throwing the water from both up in the air at the same time and trying to catch it in one bucket, there would be a big mess. So we are carefully pouring the water from bucket to bucket a little at a time until it is properly mixed and we have one full, happy bucket.” Celestia explained.

“So I guess we continue with the story. Who goes next?” John wondered.

“They’re your memories so why don’t you just see how many you can find?” Celestia suggested.

Twilight Sparkle has disappeared, probably teleporting out to avoid facing any embarrassing questions. I’ve spent an hour out in the pasture sitting watch while Fred sleeps. He’s been kinda paranoid since we arrived in Equestria and needs my physical presence to relax. I left him doing his nighttime grazing and went to the barn to get some dinner myself. It is shaping up to be a warm summer night so I change into my cargo shorts and nothing else. After throwing a small assortment of fruits and veggies on a plate I head for a table.

Standing across the table from Swift Trail, “Mind if I sit here sergeant?”

She looks up, blinks, and says, “Please do. Give me a few minutes to finish off this report and we can talk.

A few scribbles and a shuffle later she looks up and, “What do want to know?’

“I understand horses well and know what estrus looks like but I didn’t see any signs from Twilight. So what happened out there?”

“John, with ponies there’s estrus and there’s heat, related but not the same. In the spring every mare in Equestria that’s not too young or too old experiences estrus at roughly the same time. At that time we are fertile and it’s accompanied by an extremely powerful heat. Getting bred and pregnant is all a mare can think about. Throughout the rest of the year a mare can be brought into heat by any sufficiently exciting situation. Usually that means a strong stallion and some foreplay but the trigger is an individual thing. A mare will not be fertile any time other than spring. Now I want to know, how does human estrus work?”

“You’re going to love this Swift. Humans are permanently in heat. Women are fertile for several days of a twenty eight day cycle that goes on year round. The timing is individual so we just want sex any time we can get it. But I have some big questions that need answers too.”

“In Equestria big questions always involve magic. I’m an Earth pony so I’m not the best one to ask about magic. You already have the ear of the best expert on magic in all of Equestria. Why don’t you just ask Princess Twilight. If you are worried about this afternoon, don’t. It’s something that happens to mares though usually not just like that.”

“Swift, tell me honestly, would it happen to you? Ignore the bookworm trigger, would you lock up like that in the presence of a stranger.?”

“Of course not, John. I’m a disciplined military mare and have my emotions under full control.”

“And that is exactly the answer that I expected and exactly why I trust you and don’t trust Twilight. Sergeant Swift Trail is mature and experienced with full comprehension of the world and how it works at the level where we all spend most of our time. Princess Twilight Sparkle is a little girl with a big weapon living a dream. I give her the best of intentions and complete sincerity, but she still has the ability to do enormous damage by accident.”

“I’m flattered. I mean really flattered. A career NCO doesn’t expect to be preferred over a Princess. But, John, I work for Twilight Sparkle. She’s one of the ‘Royal’ that I ‘Guard’. I cannot act in any way against her interest nor can I hide anything from her.”

“Again the answer I expected and desired. If you were willing to violate your oath for someone you met a few days ago you wouldn’t be someone that I could trust. If humans had visited Equestria, if there was a human nation anywhere around Equestria, ponies, including high government officials, wouldn’t be asking questions like I’m being asked. So It looks like I’m going to be an immigrant.”

The next morning I am rousted out at the first hint of dawn, as usual, to sit sleep watch for Fred. He is a little grumpy with a belly full of fresh green grass but I can’t blame him. I am having the same problem with lockers full of the finest produce staring at me whenever I’m in the barn. I bring Fred some carrots and promise him more if he will take it easy on the grass.

When I get back to the common area in the barn the day shift guards are already gone and the night shift is in the middle of their dinner. I get a plate, fill it, and sit myself in a corner a little way from the ponies. I have some serious thinking to do.

“You look halfway home.”

“Huh?” I look up to find Swift Trail standing on the other side of my table. “Please sit. I want to talk to you. ‘halfway home’?”

“It’s military slang. It means a pony who is looking at where she wants to be instead of where she is, usually after a long hard campaign. And sitting at a half eaten meal not moving completes the picture.”

“Swift, I believe that you are my friend . . .”

“John I told you last . . .”

“Let me finish. I am fully aware that you have a duty and an oath to uphold. I accept that. I believe that if your duty required you to harm me that you would do it and cry later. I accept that. And I believe that until that duty comes up you will do your honest best to help me.”

“John, ‘friend’ has a special meaning among ponies. It’s not a commitment that a warrior can just make. You seem to understand that so I will accept your friendship in a conditional sense. Does that help?”

“It does. I want you to know that I will be eternally in your debt for what I am going to do to you but I don’t see any other way. I want what is right for Equestria so there is a decision to be made. It should be a warrior’s decision, not a politician’s.”

“John, you’re scaring me.”

“Good. If I don’t terrify you before this is over you’re not the warrior I think you are.”

We never got to see just how far that line of thought would go because Twilight Sparkle came walking in with a mare that I’d never seen before but I’d bet I know who she is related to. Swift Trail rises and offers to take my plate as Twilight approaches.

“John Sampson, this is Applejack. She is one of the owners of this farm and a good friend of mine. She has agreed to sit in with us today,” Twilight introduces Applejack.

“I’m pleased to meet you Applejack. And I’ll bet it was your brother that I met (briefly) yesterday.”

“Ah believe so. ‘specially because ‘briefly’ just sounds like Big Mac. Twi tells me you came from a very far away place.”

“I honestly don’t know. I have to figure out a direction to look in before I can measure a distance. Let’s just call it ‘a very different place’. By the way, I like that hat. I lost one a lot like it on the way here.”

“Twi, I think I’m gonna like the big stud. John Sampson, we’ll find you a hat.”

The Princess immediately settles in across the table from me. Applejack sits next to her and Spike sits next to me. Then the questions begin.

“Where did you get that ‘smartphone’?”

“I bought it from Oldegg. They put it on OOPS and the driver handed it to me.”

“How do you put lightning in it?”

“I don’t. I use a solar charger to generate a more controllable form of electricity and store it in a battery until I need to recharge the phone.”

“What else can the smartphone do?”

“Princess, remember that ‘context’ thing I mentioned yesterday? Well you just slammed head first into it. Associated with that phone is something called ‘the Store’. When I visit the Store with my phone I can purchase ‘Apps’. ‘Apps’ enable the phone to do a particular thing or kind of things. Even if I could remember them all, there’s many thousands. It would take days to list them.”

“Name a few.”

“Okay. I’ve already mentioned voice, text, net access, recorded music, pictures, and video. There’s also Wastebook, Fapchat, and millions of games. And if you’re feeling frisky, about a dozen search engines.”

I didn’t know it is possible to turn that color. I guess when you start with lavender it is. And I immediately felt like a fool. “Dammit, Princess. I’m sorry. I just wish you would listen to me. I know equines well. I have some basis towards understanding ponies. You don’t have the first clue about humans. You can’t possibly know what to ask and fumbling around trying to get lucky is going to take years.”

Applejack has sat silently just looking directly at me through this whole thing. Now she turns to Twilight. “Tell him.”

Twilight looks troubled. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, AJ.”

“Tell him or I will. He ain’t spoken a single false word to you including his apology and here you are trying to deceive him. I can’t abide it”

“AJ, I don’t think . . .”

But AJ cut her off. Looking directly at me, “John Sampson, I’m the Bearer o’ the Element o’ Honesty. It ain’t possible to lie to me. Now tell Twi what you want her to know.”

“I’m planning to stay in Equestria even if I find a way ‘home’. I like it better here because humans are overrunning Terra. It’s becoming hard to find open land or even room for horses. And I want to become a good citizen and find ways to help ponies.”