John Sampson's Story

Spike is grinning as only a dragon can grin. Twilight looks like somepony parted her mane with a baseball bat. And Applejack is just looking straight at me with no waver at all.

“John, there’s more to it.” It’s a flat statement.

This wakes Twilight up, “See, I told you so!”

“You asked me here ‘cause you can’t handle him. Let me do it.” And those eyes haven’t twitched yet.

“Applejack, I’m sorry for the trouble I’m causing but you have to trust me for at least some of this. Humans on Terra have taken a different, uglier path than equines here or there. I don’t want ponies to make any of those mistakes. So please let me choose which questions I answer and which I ignore. After I understand ponies properly we might have this conversation again.”

“I trust ya John Sampson. I don’t know if you are makin’ the right choice but I can see how hard you’re workin’ to make it.”

And now the tough one. I’m not sure I want to but I may never get another chance this good. “Twilight, I have no idea how long ponies live or what their life cycle is like, BUT, to my eyes you look to be just barely not a child. Your recent emotional overreactions confirm that. Are you ready to spend days and weeks in close quarters with a stallion that I have been told ‘checks a lot of boxes’ for Equestrian mares?”

Damned, there’s that color again. No mercy. Well, maybe a little.

“Twilight, one of the reasons I feel this way is how much you remind me of me . . . a long time ago. Sergeant Swift Trail is very much a contemporary to the current me. You just interrupted a more fruitful conversation between us than you and I have ever had. Get reports from her or assign someone to follow us around and take notes. Then you can read the notes and learn about humans in a way that lets you cross reference and codify and I can learn about ponies in a way efficient for me. Soon enough we’ll be ready for the serious questions.”

Applejack has a big smile, “Twi, he’s not only honest, he’s smart.”

Twilight does not look happy but there was too much logic and good sense on the table to argue. “I’m going to have to research and think about this. Until I say different, keep on with what you’ve been doing.” And out the door she goes with Spike running to keep up.

Applejack just smiles and beams, “Twi means well but we’re all still waitin’ for her to figure out stallions. On the other hand, if you ever get tired of the military life and decide to settle down, I’d appreciate your first date.” She went out the same door as Twilight but in a whole different way.

“That was quite a show.” Swift Trail has eased up behind me. “I’ll bet you anything that ‘research’ means she’s going to go ask Princess Celestia. Celestia is the senior alicorn, Twilight is the youngest. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get a royal summons shortly.”

“Well shit. I guess you’d better line me up on royal protocol.”

“It’s easy, John. She wants polite and She wants honest. And She hates wasting time. She’s already had more than a thousand years of pompous fools so the less like them you are, the better.”

“Dammit! The more I learn about Equestria, the more I like it. Hey! I promised you a demonstration. And I want to learn some things for myself. I’ve got the time now, how about you?”

“You mean with Fred?”

“Yep. And bring a Pegasus that feels like racing.”

Swift Trail looks around, “Windy. You up for a race?”

A very blue pony with frost white mane and tail walks over, “Who do I have to beat?”

“John, this is North Wind. She’s a courier specialist. Windy, you’re going to race Fred.”

“Fred? The big horse guy? How can that be a race?”

“John, it’s your idea.”

“I don’t have any idea how fast a normal Pegasus can fly, but I know that Fred is far faster than any ground pony. So I want a chance to clock him against something normal to Equestria. And it will give us something to talk about later.”

By the time we make it out to the pasture most of the off duty ponies are following us. Fred is grazing nearby so I call him.

Fred!

<!>

“Fred, ready for that race we discussed?”

“Okay. This is North Wind. She’s going to try to keep up with you. When I call ‘go’ both of you make three rounds around the pasture staying clear of trees and fences. Line up right here. Understand?”

North Wind nods.

So they line up side by side pointed at the far corner of the field.

“Ready. . . Go!”

Fred launches into a medium gallop with a five yard jump. Windy snaps wings and takes off after Fred but is forty yards behind by the time she gets up to speed. The Pegasus is gaining but not by a lot. Windy has closed half of the distance by the time they get to first turn at the back of the pasture but the turn gives Fred a chance to see her. So Fred stretches out a little more and starts gaining the ground back.

By the time they make it back to the starting line both contestants have upped the pace a couple of times. Fred is digging in hard to make his corners nearly square and Windy is losing ground trying to match him but Windy gains it back on the straightaways. The second lap goes much like the first. Both of them are sweating and obviously putting a lot of effort into the race.

“Fred is enjoying himself immensely.”

As they start on the final straightaway from the back of the pasture Windy pulls out her reserves. When they make the final turn she is passing Fred. Fred looks up at Windy and kicks in his own reserve. They cross the finish line in a dead heat moving so fast that no one gets a clear enough look to call it.

“Come here Fred. Let’s walk around for a minute and cool down.”

We walk back and forth by Windy a few times and Fred shakes himself. Then curiosity gets the better of me. “Windy, how fast do you think the two of you were going?”

Windy replies, “It’s hard to put a good number to it in a confined area like this but flying this hard in a straight line at altitude I could beat the train or anypony but a Wonderbolt to Canterlot. I would never have believed that anypony could travel that fast on the ground.”

“Swift, that’s one of those things that I want to talk about. Fred wasn’t half that fast before we got to Equestria. We didn’t have the direct link either. We seem to be gaining magic.”

“Celestia, I’m getting tired and we need to take care of our body. So can you please put us up somewhere? I’m going to try to turn it over to Bud. Bud, Celestia will find us a room and dinner for tonight. Just do what she says and don’t worry.”

“Bud? Are you awake, Bud?” Celestia looked concerned.

“I’m here, Your Majesty.”

“How are you feeling, Bud?”

“I’m very confused, Your Majesty.”

“You don’t have to be formal with me, Bud. We are old friends. I’m going to put you up in the palace tonight. There will be somepony to get you anything you need or take you to any place you want to go. We will resume the story whenever you are ready.”

I never saw how she summoned them but suddenly there are two guards by the door where I came in.

“Please take this mare to one of the ambassadorial suites and see to it that she has everything she needs for tonight,” Celestia instructed.

“Ma’am . . .” And down two halls, up the stairs, and down another hall we go until they stop on either side of a large door, opening it in front of me. There were two fillies and a mare waiting inside.

“Welcome Ma’am. We will be your servants for tonight,” the mare said. “I’m Haute Cuisine, your chef. This is Seafoam (seafoam colored, of course), your bath maid. And Tender Breezes, your chambermaid.”

“Please draw a warm bath for me,” nodding at Seafoam. “And have dinner ready when I finish my bath,” nodding at Haute Cuisine. “Afterwards I will want privacy.”

“Yes Ma’am!”

The only thing better than a deep soak in a warm bath is a deep soak in a warm bath with somepony scrubbing your back and all the other hard to reach places. Dinner is magnificent but rather small by farm standards. But that isn’t really a problem because the lockers contain every kind of fruit and veggie that I could imagine. I think Tender is disappointed that I don’t want to cuddle.

It is early but the day started early so I go straight to bed. Early is farm normal anyway. When I wake it is still full dark outside. I grab a snack from the kitchen and go to the window. The courtyard below is as busy as though it's midday. That gives me an idea. I never made it into the throne room so I have never seen what a Royal Court looks like.

When I open the door to the hall, the two guards are still there. Both snap to attention.

“Milady! How may we help you?”

“I have heard that Princess Luna holds court at night much as Princess Celestia does during the day. Is this so?”

“Yes it is Milady”

“And might this court be in session right now?”

“It is Milady.”

“Could I watch it as a spectator?”

“Certainly, Milady.”

“Take me there.”

We retrace most of yesterday’s journey but stop short of the big doors choosing instead a small plain door on a short side hall. We are in an alcove behind a tapestry with a scattering of comfortable looking seats along the wall past the end of the tapestry. I could hear some kind of debate going on out in the room.

“Just take any seat, Milady. We’ll be right here when you’re ready to leave.”

“Thank you.”

It wasn’t until I was settled into my seat that realized just how big this room is. My big barn would fit in here with room to spare all around. About halfway down the wall to my left is a large throne on a raised dais. On the throne is dark blue Alicorn obviously related to Princess Celestia. There are two ponies, Earth ponies by the look of them, standing in front of her both gesturing wildly and trying to shout over the other.

Princess Luna glances at me and smiles a little. “Quiet! Thou were told before thou walked in that door that thou must maintain order and decorum. Thou hast failed. Leave Me!”

As the two Earth ponies sprint for the door Princess Luna turns to the guard beside her throne, “Be there any more petitioners?”

“No, Your Highness. We saved those two for last.”

“Good. We have better things to do.”

Princess Luna steps down off the dais and starts toward me, “Bud, come walk with me.”

We meet at a door in the back wall. Through it is garden with benches and stone statues.

“It’s a beautiful night, is it not, young lady?”

“Yes, it is. And it’s part of a day filled with many wonders, Your Majesty”

“Thou hast a fine outlook, Bud. Wouldst thou like to speak with John Sampson?”

“Yes! I have many questions for him.”

“Seat thyself in a comfortable way and close thine eyes.”

It seemed like only seconds after I had closed my eyes when I found myself on a flat gray plain. The tall, dark blue Alicorn stood beside me.

“Hello, Bud”

“Hello, Princess Luna.”

A very tall (taller than Princess Luna!) creature steps out from beside Princess Luna. It walks on two legs like a Minotaur but the legs are long and slender.

“Thank you, my Friend Luna. Hello Bud.”

I recognize that voice. It is John.

“Thou are most welcome John Sampson. We art eternally in thy debt. I will take mine leave now. Thou will awaken normally in the fullness of time. Enjoy each others’ company ‘til then. My Guards wilt watch over thou and keep thou safe.”

“Yes, Bud, this is what we looked like when we first arrived in Equestria.”

“We! I was in that body?”

“Bud, we’re still in that body. It’s just changed a little.”

“So why don’t I remember it?.”

“We were one then. After we had been in Equestria for a while we split into a human mind and an Equestrian mind to go with our changed Equestrian body. I hid for a time after that.”

“Why on Equestria would we do anything like that?”

“Bud, we did it because the alternatives were so incredibly terrible. Second best was a quick death for us and those we love.”

“Ma’am. . . . Ma’am . . . Please wake up Ma’am.”

“Huh? . . Okay, I’m awake.”

“Her Majesty Princess Celestia is waiting for you, Ma’am.”

“Oh shit!” I jump up and land squarely on my nose.

Then I realize, I’m John in Bud’s body. I get carefully to my feet and take a step. Crash!

BUD! I need help, Bud. Celestia is waiting for us and every time I try to take a step on four legs I face plant.

“Ma’am? Are you alright Ma’am?”

I get to my feet and look around. We’re still in the garden behind the throne room. Turning to the guard, “Lead on.”

Back into the throne room and across the floor to the far wall from the spectator seats where we open a small door. A short hall to the right and another small door finds us in the same private office where the most exciting day of my life happened.

“Hello Bud. Make yourself comfortable. How are you and John getting along this morning?” Princess Celestia was behind the same desk looking just as regal as yesterday.

“Princess Luna helped us last night. We can talk and swap control at will now.”

“You sounds better, Bud. And you trust John. That’s very good. May I talk to John now?”

“Celestia, John here.”

“How are we feeling, John?”

“I’m wondering how many friends I have left. Bud is still getting over the shock of discovering that her goddess is a pony.”

“You have a lot of friends left, John. Did you notice the throne on your way in?”

“Yes I did. Purple? Does that mean what I think it means?”

“If you think it means that Twilight is holding Court today while I coddle you, you are correct. She has grown a lot since the last time you spoke to her.”

“Oh! Celestia, could you do us a big favor, please? Send somepony to the farm and let everypony know that Bud is on a special assignment for you and check on Fred while they are there.”

“I will do that but you can put your mind at ease about Fred right now. He hasn’t needed your help for a lot of years now. Luna has been monitoring him regularly.”

“Really? Luna is taking an interest in Fred?”

“Let’s get to work, John. Give me a strong memory.”

“I know just the one. We’ll call this ‘the shower scene’.”

There is exactly one community shower in the barracks because that is just how the military does it throughout the universes. I use it just like everypony else but I try to pick times when no pony wants to use it because I have to modify things a little to accommodate my vertical orientation.

There is no door on it so there isn’t much about me that is a mystery to any of the ponies but they seem to prefer a little distance. I have heard a few mutterings about humans being in a permanent state of heat and ‘don’t turn your back on him’. The target of most of those is the youngest of the ponies. I don’t know what his name is because everypony just calls him ‘Colt’. He has a light charcoal colored coat with a blond and red striped mane and tail. His talent is getting into places without magic or wings. He can climb and jump in ways amazing for an Earth pony.

I am sitting in the common area one afternoon, having just sent off a learned professor of herd psychology. I have given him an earful of Terran equine herd dynamics so he can write the definitive paper on the influence of magic on Equestrian herd psychology. There is a commotion outside and Colt comes running through the door in a serious state of panic. “Where are the Unicorns? I need a Unicorn!”

I explain to him that all of the Unicorns have gone to town for some Unicorn community thing and won’t be back until dark. That makes things worse. Then the smell hit me. I know that smell.

I whip out the command voice, “STOP!” It works. “Where did you get that smell?”

Colt moans, “It’s horrible. The monster laid a spell on me!”

Trying not to giggle I ask, “Was this monster short, kinda round, and black with white stripe running down its back and long bushy tail?” We are beginning to draw a crowd.

Colt is looking at me like I’d just grown a horn, “You know this monster?”

The other ponies are beginning to gently drift out the door so I fire up the command voice again. “NO PONY LEAVES. I need a small bucket of baking soda right now.”

Military reflex is fun to watch. “We don’t have any here, sir”

“You have wings don’t you? Who do you know that does tons of baking right up the road? Now Go Get It!.”

Swift has this squad well trained. The two Pegusi went out the door high and low in full flight.

“Colt! Bring your butt in the shower and try not to touch anything.”

I pull my shorts and t-shirt off and drop them at the door. Turning on the cold water I begin to lather poor Colt up. “The name of that monster is ‘Skunk’. Whatever you do, never, ever look under his tail. That’s where the evil smell originates. Now where did he get you?”

“He got me square on my right side, sir. But I tried to roll and rub it off.”

“And that just spread it.”

“Yes, sir.”

By then a couple of his buddies have braved the smell and entered the shower. I told them, “Stay back out of splash range. This stuff comes off of skin a lot easier than it comes out of fur. I’ll scrub him down.” That generates two world class looks of relief.

I’ve just got him soaped up good for the second time when a Pegasus comes flying in (literally) with a small pail. The baking soda! As I take it she says, “Fly Boy is coming with a much bigger bucket. I came ahead with a small one to get back ASAP.”

The big bucket got there before the little bucket ran out and I settle into a lather, soda, rinse and repeat cycle. Everypony else gets comfortable in the common room and waits for the results.

I notice that Colt is shaking. “I guess we have most of it off by now. I can warm the water up a little if you are cold.”

“I’m not cold, sir.”

“Then why are you shaking, Colt?”

“I’m frightened, sir.”

“Of the smell? It’s not permanent. Of discipline? Learning about woods critters the hard way is part of being a city boy in the country. There’s no chance you’ll ever make this mistake again.”

“No, sir. I’m afraid of you.”

“Why on Equestria would you have any reason to fear me?” I’m really puzzled now.

“Are you going to mount me, sir?”

“What blazing pit of hell did you drag that idea out of?”

“They said that humans are always in heat and will screw anything they can catch and you have me pretty much caught right now, sir.”

“Let me guess. ‘They’ are all mares.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Child, the stallion portion of your education is seriously lacking. I’m going to let you in on some small secrets. First, mares will always try to play with your mind. You have something they want, something they can’t live without. So they want to keep you bluffed and under control. Don’t fall for it. Play with the fun ones, love the good ones, and ignore the rest.”

“But sir, you walk around half erect all the time so you can be ready to go instantly.”

“That’s what these mares believe?”

“That’s what everypony believes, sir. You did say yourself that humans are always in heat.”

“Colt, how many times have you come in heat?”

“Stallions don’t have heats, sir.”

“Neither do men.”

“Oh . . . . sir.”

“And now I’m going to let you in on a human secret. Humans don’t have retractor muscles. At all. That means humans don’t have a sheath either. This is my normal not erect state. It’s another side effect of the vertical lifestyle like nipples on the chest.”

“You mean that humans don’t rape their mares?”

“A few do. There are bad humans just like there are bad ponies. The important part is they are few and far between. Most humans fall in love, get married, and raise families just like most ponies.”

“I’m sorry, sir”

“For what? Letting some old biddy mares fool you? Don’t worry about that. Let’s get dried off and see if we can live with ourselves.”

It has always fascinated me how Earth ponies can do ordinary things so well without hands or magic of any kind (maybe it’s a hidden kind of magic). Colt just grabs a towel off the shelf with his mouth and tosses it to me then grabs another one and throws it over his back. A quick roll and rub later he’s dry and I’m still working on the awkward spots.

“Hey, Colt. I’ve got a plan. You wanna ‘educate’ some mares?”

“Whatever you say, sir.”

“Are they in the common room right now?”

“Some of them, sir.”

“Okay. Let’s go get something to eat and you sit down as close as you can to them while leaving a place across the table for me. I’ll do the work, you just nod your head and have a normal conversation with me.”

I grab my shorts and shirt as we go out the door and cross to my room to throw them in. Then I line up behind Colt at the food lockers. Putting fruit, bread, and cheese on a plate, I watch him settle at a table right in the middle of a gang of mares. I walk up to the chair opposite him and ask, “Mind if I sit here?”

“Not at all, sir.”

“You know that you don’t have to ‘sir’ me? I suspect that after a two and a half year absence, I can be considered at least retired.”

“Sir, some officers demand it. You deserve it. So I’m going to continue to use it unless you order me otherwise.”

Smart boy. “Thank you, Colt. I’ll try to earn that respect. I do kinda wish you hadn’t figured it out though. Now I have a problem.”

About then Swift Trail lands in the seat next to mine, “John, what have you done to my squad?”

“We had a small crisis. Colt here found out why you never look under the skunk’s tail and the Unicorns haven’t got back from town yet.”

“I believe that much because I can still smell it.”

“Well I couldn’t just sit around and watch Earth ponies try deal with it when I had two perfectly functional hands so I organized a cleanup. You understand that Terra has skunks and no magic too.”

“And I guess that’s why I just thanked Granny Smith for the emergency loan of a bucket of baking soda?”

“What can I say? Everypony was running around looking for help so the old training just kicked in and I handled it.”

“You still haven’t explained why you never told me that you were an officer.”

“That’s a different service and different universe away. The habits don’t make a chain of command. But it’s probably better that way. I just found out that some unknown pony or ponies has been using me for a boogie man. If I were in the chain of command and found out that a service member was disrespecting a superior officer like that I might have to take action for the good of the service.”

“Only if I didn’t beat you to it.” Swift Trail slowly surveyed the room. Several mares suddenly found absolutely anything else interesting.

“I also discovered that a lesson in comparative anatomy is needed. It’s a little bit vulgar so I’m not going to rub anypony’s nose in it, I’m just going to lay it on the table for anypony that might benefit from it.”

I stand up and stretch as big and wide as I can while turning slowly around. “Everypony take a good hard look. This is me, a normal male human. You know what you don’t see? A sheath. A sheath isn’t compatible with a vertical spine. So just hanging is my normal state. That’s why I wear pants any time I go outside. I can’t retract my penis.”

I walk calmly over to my room past some thoughtful looks and grins. The same three mares are positively radiating ‘NOT ME’. After putting on my shorts and shirt I go out the main door and head towards the pasture for Fred and some serious introspection on how a small misunderstanding can have big consequences.