~*~

Princess Luna wiggled her hips a little more, down closer to the mirror she was awkwardly positioning between her legs. Sure enough, it was just like the doctor had told her: The damn thing had closed right up. She’d never heard of something like that happening before, but the doctor had insisted that she no longer had a vaginal opening there. Even when she yelled at him that it was preposterous.

“WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD A HOLE DOWN THERE!” She had boomed authoritatively. “WE HAVE USED IT ON OCCASION IN THE PAST WITHOUT PROBLEM. YOU MUST JUST NOT BE LOOKING HARD ENOUGH!”

“…how long ago?” The doctor had asked while cowering under a desk in the corner of the room.

“WHAT?”

“H-how long ago did you last… er… use it?” he had stuttered out.

Here, Luna had been forced to give it some thought. It was before she was sent to the moon, and while she’d been with stallions in the past, she had used it for her own enjoyment more often in those days. After all, the nights were long and lonely. But once she had been sent to the moon, she had found that it wasn’t something she wanted to do. The moon was, in essence, and very dusty place, and if you thought getting sands in those folds while at the beach was bad? Hooo boy, was moon dust way worse. Totally destroyed any lewd feeling she might have considered.

“IT… has been a little over one thousand years,” she had said, a little more thoughtfully. “Why does that matter?”

“Well, we’ve only really seen it before in newborns,” the doctor explained, crawling out to stand on all fours once more. “But Congenital Absence of the Vagina is a real condition. And… well… most mares don’t exactly live as long as you. So this is entirely uncharted territory. But as it is with many physical abilities… my best guess is that it’s a use it or lose it kind of deal.”

“So. It just. Closed up? Because we weren’t… I wasn’t… putting anything in it?”

“It’s an educated guess, nothing more, Princess.” The doctor said, drawing back sharply as if afraid Luna would lash out again. “And only because you’ve been alive for so long, it’s something I suspect only alicorns would experience.”

“But my sister is my age, and she has never spoken of any difficulties!” Luna had scoffed. “Why should she be any different.”

“Well…”

She’d held up a hasty hoof then, to silence the doctor.

“On second though, we would prefer not to know. It would be adding insult to injury. What we do wish to know,” she went on, “is how we are to fix this little problem.”

“I’m sure we can create some surgical options.”

Luna had grimaced.

“Perish the thought, I cannot do that,” she said, shaking her head. “My dreams can create problems, and under the influence of anesthesia things get… very strange. Canterlot is still trying to rebuild its roadways after I had to get my wisdom teeth removed.”

“Then,” the doctor said, flushing deeply and beginning to sweat, “Uh… I do have one possible treatment. It might not work, I’m not certain but…”

He’d lifted a pen in his teeth and wrote down what she had originally thought was a prescription for some form of medicine. But she he’d passed over the slip of paper, she had seen she was mistaken. “Alternative medicine” was putting it lightly…

Now, as she crouched over awkwardly, peering down at her rarely-seen reflected nethers, she chewed her lip in thought. All of this felt so undignified. She wasn’t itching to give birth to a progeny, especially after she’d seen that thing that Cadance had popped out. She didn’t have any romantic partners. She didn’t even feel a need to raise her own moon really, if you caught the drift. So did she really need a vagina anyway?

But somehow, in the back of her mind, Luna felt incomplete. This hole, for what it was worth, was a part of her. It was something she had lost. And now, when she looked down only to see a mound with a thin, scar like seam running the length of her privates, she felt sad. She had enough things to feel sad about, and she didn’t need this one extra thing to be depressed over. Besides, maybe if she could get her vagina back, she could make sure to keep it from closing up again by storing her house keys in there or something.

Luna set down the mirror and stood up with a decisive nod. Yes, she would go on a mission. A mission to re-open her vagina, and she wouldn’t stop until she had achieved this.

She strode to the small, night-themed curio against one wall of her room, and picked up the slightly crumpled slip of paper the doctor had given her. Adeptly, she smoothed it against the wall and looked down the list of supplied for what she would need, as well as the directions. Honestly, she scarcely knew what some of these things were, but at least the good doctor had included at the bottom the names of a few stores she could go to in order to procure the items.

“Let’s see,” she mumbled to herself. “Water-based lubricant. I probably have some sort of tool lubricant here already, so I may not even need to buy that. A Vibrating personal massager of at least… goodness that sounds pretty big. A speculum… I don’t even know what that is.”

She let out a heavy sigh. The sun was well up, and it was far past her bed time, but she wanted to get started on this immediately if possible. So, instead of fretting and worrying, she moved one hoof carefully down line by line until it was at the first store name on the list.

“Well, alright,” Luna said in a resigned tone. “I’d best slip on something covert and go pay these ponies a visit. No need for me to broadcast my little problem. Or… lack thereof.”

Outside of the store, Luna couldn’t help but hesitate. The bold, red and orange sign on the outside of the building said “The Red Hot Filly Pepper” in neon letters, and did nothing to make the shop with blacked-out windows appear less intimidating. She reminded herself that this was what she had to do, and pulled up the collar of the trench coat a little higher before she put her dark sunglasses on, and trotted inside.

A bell on the door tinkled as she entered, and she was immediately hit by the overwhelming variety of objects that surrounded her. Long objects shaped like all manner of male and female genitalia lined the walls, under such brands as Doc Longson, Kitachi, Helo, Penga, Fug Factory, and more. A wall of small bottles advertising flavors like mint, cherry, and cinnamon bun stretched from floor to ceiling. In the back, a series of stands held magazines with brown or black paper over the covers, as well as movies with names that weren’t… exactly right somehow ( Luna didn’t think she’d ever heard of a film called Womb Raiders at least). It was a lot to take in, and behind her glasses, she stared at it all like a child who’d accidentally walked in on her childhood pets humping or something.

Before she could fully get her bearings, a smiling unicorn mare approached her. She was all white, and had a maroon and pink short-cropped mane, in a kind of punk hairstyle. On her flank was, appropriately, an image of two red peppers with yellow/orange accents.

“Hey there,” she said, sounding both peppy and sassy somehow, “I’m Cayenne, what can I help you with today miss…”

She abruptly trailed off, and her practiced polite smile fell away from her face. Her mouth popped open slightly, and Luna saw the mare’s blue-shadowed eyes trail up and down her form. Before Luna could think of anything to say to break the awkward silence, the other mare let out a startled sounding yelp.

“Y-YOU’RE PRINCESS LUNA!” she cried.

Luna held up both hooves to silence the mare, teeth bared in a grimace. Well, this wasn’t going as planned.

“Hush now, shhhhh,” she hissed, and Cayenne promptly shut her mouth. “We could appreciate some privacy in this matter.”

The other mare’s eyes widened.

“O-oh. Ooooooh got it. Right. Well, confidentiality is part of what we do here, so… not another word.”

She made a movement that mimed zipping her mouth shut, then gave Luna tight-lipped smile. The princess sighed.

“I wish many words from you actually. As I need some assistance. I am surprised, however, that you were able to recognize us.”

Cayenne blinked.

“Uh… but… I mean…”

“I was quite disguised,” Luna said with a frown. “I look like any other pony in this, do I not?”

The other mare looked from Luna’s horn, to the crown, to her extremely large stature, then to the glasses that the Princess was indicating.

“Y-yes, of course,” Cayenne stuttered out, smiling nervously. “It was just a lucky guess, for sure.”

“Ah, well. I congratulate you on your luck then,” Luna said with a sigh of relief. “Now, I have this list from a doctor of things to pick up. Can you assist?”

Luna handed Cayenne the slip of paper, and watched as the white unicorn eyed it, then peered cautiously back up.

“Uh… you say a doctor gave you this list?”

“Precisely that.”

“Man, I gotta get me this kind of doctor,” Cayenne said with a little laugh.

“I recommend him, he is quite competent.”

“S-sure… anyway, I can get you most of these things. But…” Cayenne stopped to peer closer at the paper, as if what was written there might change if she looked hard enough. “Are you sure these dimensions are correct?”

“It is what the doctor wrote, and I have said, aside from a perplexing stutter, he is quite competent.”

The other pony looked from the paper, then back to Luna, then down again, then back up at her appraisingly. But at last she shrugged and turned, giving Luna a little motion with her hoof that she should follow.

“We have only a few items this big around, but I can order something else if you’d like,” she said.

Luna shook her head.

“No need, I require these immediately. I’m sure whatever you have will do fine, we don’t require any extra bells or whistles.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” the unicorn said as they wove between two shelves, one marked ‘sexy board games’ and one marked ‘novelty candy,’ “Why is it that you switch between saying ‘we’ and ‘I’? Is it a royal thing or…”

“We have no idea what you mean. This has always been the way I have spoken.”

“…right, okay. Well… here we are,” Cayenne said, stopping before a small shelf in the corner.

On this shelf were five large phallic objects, as best as Luna could tell. Truth be told, she’d never even seen any male genitalia quite shaped like these items. She was fairly certain one was just a giant rubber dolphin, but decided not to ask, just in case she was wrong. The white unicorn gestured broadly at the small array before them.

“Like I said, not much,” she said lightly, “But this is what we have.”

“What… are they?” Luna said at last.

“Well, this one is the Caber Toss, and it’s made of carved wood. I know people who swear by that texture, but honestly, I worry about it warping when it gets too wet. Plus the vibrations feel weird through it, I honestly am, like, not a fan. I haven’t used the Echo, but it’s kind of a big seller from what I hear, even if it’s difficult to play with. That one is the Dragon’s Hoard. I don’t know if that’s what dragon dicks actually look like, but the ribbing half way down is pretty nice, if you can take it that far. That one is the Towering Timberwo-”

“And what of that one?” Luna asked abruptly, pointing to the one on the end that had caught her eye.

Cayenne turned her attention to what was easily the biggest toy on the shelf. As she regarded it, she cringed back slightly, as if afraid.

“Oh,” she said hollowly. “That one.”

Luna went over to it, and gently lifted the object into her hooves. It was weighty, and felt rubbery, but obviously had some sort of solid plastic and metallic core in the middle. It was all a shining black, and about the length of half of one foreleg, and easily just as big around. At the top was a large, clenched black fist, thumb folded strongly around each finger. The hefty thing felt solid. Effective. And just emanated power somehow.

“That one is called the Big Man Tyrone,” Cayenne said with a shudder. “I’ve… never used it. Honestly the fingers just give me the creeps. And when it’s turned on it’s… pretty intimidating.”

“Turned on?”

“Well, yeah. All of these have various vibration settings, and this one cycles through a few when you set it to the first mode, then stays on each mode individually each time you press the button.”

“Demonstrate,” Luna said commandingly.

The other pony looked hesitant, but at last she slowly set the implement on the ground, with the fist pumping upward from the base. Then, with one hoof, she hit a button near the base, and sprang back like a shot.

What happened next was unlike anything Luna had ever seen.

The black arm emitted a sound like an angry nest of well-armed military hornets, and began to shake all over. Surely, the sheer weight of the thing was the only way it was standing upright. Luna could feel the ground tremble beneath her hooves as the thing continued to vibrate, with the fist shaking back and forth angrily at her. Then, the buzzing changed slightly, and the fist cocked to one side like it was beginning a jaunty jig. As she watched, the fist began to rotate in a slow, shaking circle above the wrist, and its pace increased slightly until at last it snapped back upright. But it was not done yet. To her amazement, Luna saw the fist then retract inward slightly, and with a capocketa capocketa noise, it punched skyward, over and over again. It looked like it was cheering her on, but that it was furious about it. Before it could repeat the cycle, Cayenne darted in and mashed the button several times to make it stop, then jumped back again. The ground once again went still.

Luna realized that both she and the other pony were panting heavily, like they had gone through some sort of ordeal. And they had only been looking at the thing. She swallowed hard, then took a deep breath in and out to steady her nerves.

“So,” the other pony said between breaths, “as you can see, this one is probably not-”

“We like it!” Luna declared loudly. “We shall take it.”

"You... do?"

"Yes! It has such unrelenting fortitude and texture! And it is in a gesture of victory and power! Perfect for one so royal as I!"

Cayenne opened her mouth as if to speak, then closed it and simply shook her head.

“Well, okay, guess alicorns are just… kinky like that,” she said with a sigh.

“It is true, my mane is often quite kinked in the morning.”

“…so, I’ll go get that rung up for you,” Cayenne said, putting on a bright and practiced smile. “It’s about 4,500 bits, which is at least a couple hundred cheaper than the Echo.”

Luna blinked, and her mouth dropped open in horror.

“THAT IS OUTRAGEOUS!” she roared in her royal Canterlot voice. “WE DO NOT EVEN GET THAT MUCH IN OUR ALLOWANCE FROM CELESTIA IN THREE MONTHS!”

“W-well we could put you on a line of credit? A payment plan” said the other mare, from where she was now hiding underneath a display of leather saddles and riding crops that said ‘Daddums’.

“NONSENSE! WE DO NOT NEED CREDIT! WE ARE A PRINCESS!”

“H-hey, I hear you, I do!” the other mare whimpered. “But it’s not up to me. Corporate decisions, you know? I’m not allowed to give things away, even to royalty. J-just doing my job!”

Luna glared down at the mare for a moment or two, then relaxed enough that the small storm clouds behind her dissipated. She let out a long, frustrated sigh, closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, she was much calmer.

“I understand. But this is exactly what I need. It is the right dimension, it is a lovely color, and while the fingers may bother you, I think they seem… rather intriguing. But I have not the funds for it, so it seems. Still, I shall not feel whole or, er, hole until I use one of these implements of vibration as described in the doctor’s note!”

“You could try another one,” the mare said, climbing out and giving her a weak smile. “One smaller and… cheaper? Some cheap ones aren’t so bad, even the Buck Bullet brand!”

But Luna was already shaking her head.

“No, that won’t do. I need something like that. An arm, one that can… really give penetrating power. Something that can help open up… new worlds to us, so to speak. But one that isn’t so expensive! Wherever could I get such a thing.”

“I wish I could help but I… oh, hi Anon! Be with you in a second,” Cayenne said, her eyes staring briefly past Luna towards the section with magazines and videos.

Luna turned around and spotted a strange bipedal creature, one she had seen in town a few times before. He was flipping through the rack of magazines, scanning each one carefully before deftly moving his fingers onto the next. Luna watched his hand as it moved, and a slow smile began to spread across her face.

“Like I said,” the white unicorn said sadly, “I truly do wish I could help you out.”

“Oh,” Luna said softly, a laugh in the back of her tone. “I believe you just have.”

~*~

Author's Note

Big. Man. Tyrone.

That is all.