~*~

To be honest, all you had wanted was a little bit of porn.

Really. That’s all. It’s been a long day, you’re tired of dealing with the world’s bullshit, and you just want to go get something new to stare at, preferably something with breasts, and then jack off in the privacy of your armchair at home. Living in Equestria has made you miss breasts terribly. Generally, you weren’t actually a fan of giant tits, but here there’s nothing. Just… nothing. Ponies have tiny little mosquito-bite nipples, and cow udders are as close to actual breasts are you can get anymore. Unfortunately, you’re not into motor-boating cow teats.

Not after that last time. Applejack still has a restraining order against you for her entire farm. Really sucks during cider season.

With that in mind, and no Internet, you go for the next best thing: physical copies of Porn. And the one Canterlot adult store has seen so much of you for that purpose, that the pony who works there knows you by name. So you’re not surprised when she calls to you to say hello when she spots you by the magazine rack.

What does surprise you is the look of the mare who turns to stare at you right after that. You pretend not to look, but you can feel her eyes moving over your body searchingly, like she’s trying to decide if she knows you. Truth be told, you’re pretty much doing the same thing. In that brief look you got of her, you’re pretty sure she’s not just a normal pony. She’s also dressed… super weird. Like, in a bad disguise out of a noir film. Also, she’s huge. Way bigger than normal ponies, and that would mean she’s…

“GREETINGS ANON!” a voice explodes in your face.

You give a quiet guttural cry of shock and stagger back, blinking as you focus on the large mare who has spoken. At this point, recognition does click in your mind.

“P-princess Luna?” you stammer.

“Correct!” the mare says, much quieter. “My you are quite bright to recognize me, or was it our royal Canterlot voice that gave us away?”

“Uh, yes. It was… the voice. Let’s go with that.”

“I must be more careful in the future,” Luna says with a grim nod. “But besides all that, how are you? What brings you to such a place as this?”

“Uhhhhh…” You say, slowly moving your hands behind your back to hide the copy of ‘Big Boobie Brumbies’ you’re holding. “Just… taking a look around. And stuff. What brings you here, your highness?”

The princess waves her hoof in front of her face as if batting away an annoying fly.

“No formalities here, Anon, call me Luna. And I am here because I have a doctor’s note that needs to be filled. I have some of the supplies, but I lack others.”

You stare at her, trying to figure out what she could possibly mean by this. Is… is this some kind of roleplay thing? Is she into medical play? Not exactly your cup of tea, but kinda hot in concept at least. Or maybe she’s dating a doctor, and he wants to get freaky? Either way, better not to pry.

“Ah, I see,” you say, pretending to know exactly what she’s talking about. “That’s kind of a bummer.”

“Indeed so. But I believe you may be able to assist me where this shop’s supply of implements may not.”

Again, it takes a while for the wheels in your brain to lube up and get turning. You can assist her? Involving… stuff from this shop? Is… is Princess fucking Luna hitting on you? Is she asking you to do kinky things with her? Screw whatever you said before, you’ll definitely play doctor with her if she asks!

“Oh?” you say, you voice subconsciously dropping to a low, sensual tone. “What do you mean?”

“I would request,” Luna says calmly, even though there’s a slight blush in her cheeks, “that you return with me to my castle. There, you can help me with a little problem I have, if you are willing. If you would require payment…”

And now she’s offering to pay YOU? I mean, you never thought you’d so willingly be a whore, but the idea of getting’ some dosh and some pussy at the same time sounds like a pretty sweet deal. Nevertheless, you hold up a hand, which she watches longingly as it moves through the air.

“No need for that. I’ll go back with you, if you’re sure you want me to.”

You always give them the first taste for free. That’s how you get them coming back for more.

Luna’s face lights up brilliantly, and she reaches up to grab your shoulders in a near hug. You’re surprised by how strong her grip is, especially considering she has hooves.

“Oh thank you, Anon!” she exclaims, “This will be a truly wonderful night! I must purchase a few preparations, and then you can follow me back to my abode. I won’t be more than a few minutes.”

And with that, she turns and trots away to the front corner, where that white unicorn salespony is waiting, looking more than a little frazzled for some reason. You watch her more-than-generous rump sway as she moves away, considering that even without tits, she looks like she might be a pretty good time. It’s probably at least better than what you already had planned tonight.

Speaking of which, you hold your smutty magazine out in front of you to look down at it. Like a father gently patting the head of his firstborn, you rest your hand on the well-breasted girl on the cover, then set it neatly back in the display it came from.

“Not today, old friend,” you murmur. “But probably tomorrow.”

You follow Luna into her bedroom, completely unable to hide the big ass grin plastered all over your face. You can’t even remember the last time you got laid, or did anything sexual at all, to be honest, and you are so ready for that to change.

She leads you by your hand, which she is squeezing tightly, over to the bed. She then sets down her bag of mysterious items by the side of it, releases your hand, and climbs up seductively onto the bed. At least you think it’s seductively. It’s hard to tell, you’re so wound up right now pretty much everything is turning you on. You’re pretty sure the act of her putting her key into the front door lock made you pop a stiffy a few moments ago.

Now though, when she turns to face you, you’re pretty damn sure there was some kind of intent with her movements. Her cheeks are rosy, she’s biting her lower lip, and her eyes are half shut. Even though the last time you got laid you were so inexperienced that you barely knew what an Alabama hotpocket was until suddenly it was happening, you can still recognize that this is a ‘come fuck me’ face. Oh yeah, daddy is gettin’ some tonight.

“Do you still wish to assist me, Anon?” Luna says in a low tone.

“I am ever at your service,” you say, forcing yourself not to end that sentence with ‘my lady’ like a moron.

“Good. Then I would ask you to…”

“Yes?” you whisper suggestively, your tone low and seductive.

You walk towards her as she rolls onto her side, batting her long dark eyelashes at you. She spreads her legs a little as you lean forward towards her, then looks away sharply, her cheeks flushing deeply.

“I would like you to use your hand on me,” she mumbles out.

Okay, well, that’s not exactly dick-in-vagina exciting, but it’s a start. Besides, with all the gaming you did on earth, you’ve surely developed the hand muscles to get this mare squirming. R-right? That’s true, isn’t it? You haven’t been lying to yourself for years, right? RIGHT?

“Of course,” you say suavely.

You lift your hand to slide your fingers over her inner thigh, but she giggles and gently brushes you away.

“You are supposed to use lubricant,” she says with a short laugh. “There is some in the bag, I hope it is a kind you are familiar with.”

Again, not what you planned, but maybe she gets super dry or something. After all, she’s god-knows how old at this point, maybe she needs a little extra lubing up. Does that make her a cougar, you wonder as you reach into the bag and fish around until you find a small silvery plastic bottle.

You scan the name quickly, and see that it’s a cherry pie flavored lubricant. Seems like an appropriate joke, but you get the feeling that Luna probably didn’t knowingly pick this flavor for its name. You get the sense that she’s kind of new at this… whatever this is. Either way, you’re willing to play.

You give her a smirk as you open the top of the bottle and pour some of it over your fingers, then slowly rub it all over your hand for good measure, until you are slug-levels of slimy. For good measure, you waggle an eyebrow at her suggestively and lick the area between your first two fingers. She bites her lower lip as you do this, so you know you’re having an affect.

…well, that absolutely tastes like someone dipped a cherry into an entire bucket of motor oil.

“Mnh,” you manage to say as you suppress the urge to vomit, “sweet.”

“Now,” Luna says gently. “Come over here and put that hand to good use.”

She doesn’t have to tell you twice, and you stride over to the bed. This time, as you run your slick hand up the inside of her velvet-soft indigo blue thighs, she parts them more and more for you. You inch closer to where her inseams meet, creeping up to touch the… touch the…

Wait a minute.

Trying to maintain your smile, you look down at where your hand is searching between her now wide-spread legs. Aaaaaaaand… there’s nothing there.

Nope.

Not a thing.

You can sort of see the area where an opening might have been, but instead all you can find is a thin seam, sort of looking like the one on your taint that you, for a long time, thought was where your parents had your balls removed and replaced with kumquats. Kids at school are mean, and surprisingly good liars. Anyway, there are no lips here, though you know horses don’t exactly have those, and there’s no clit. No labia. No nothing. Just a thin, slightly more pale blue seam, just above her anus.

“What the fuck,” you say flatly, more numb than anything else.

You notice the princess frown out of your peripheral vision as you continue to stare at the vagina that is not.

“Is there a problem,” she says.

“Well yeah.”

“Which is?”

“What do I… what do I do here, Luna. Help a guy out.”

“You just put your hand inside me,” she says, like it’s the simplest thing in the world.

“…how.”

“As one does, I suppose,” she says with a sigh. “A fist would probably be more usable, based on what we saw in the implement shop earlier today.”

“…you want me to fist you? Like… in the ass?”

Luna narrows her eyes at you and grimaces back like she’s been slapped.

“Oh never, Anon! That is where I defecate from.”

“Then… where.”

“In my vagina.”

“...What vagina?” you finally blurt out.

It's probably the least sexy thing you've ever said, but in this case, the situation calls for it. Here, Luna closes her legs slightly and gives a weighty harrumph of frustration.

“It seems to have grown closed over the years, and I am relying on you now to open it for me. I am sorry if this is too much of an imposition, but it may also be considered your duty, as a citizen of this country, and I am your royal ruler.”

“I think that’s Celestia.”

“We are both rulers,” she snaps, “And I am asking you to perform a noble service for me.”

You reach up and massage the bridge of your nose, an action you immediately regret as the lube immediately coats parts of your face like a fruity-smelling amoeba.

“Let me get this straight,” you say slowly. “You want me to… make you a new vagina? With my fist?”

“That is correct,” Luna says.

“So I just… jam it in there, or try to pry it apart or…?”

“I should think,” she says slowly. “That gradual pressure should do the trick.”

You know, you didn’t sign up for this. You don’t really know what’s going on here, and you are ill prepared for any situation like this. You barely understand that sex means to insert tab B into slot A, and you definitely don’t know anything about forming a new vaginal cavity for a magical horse princess. But at the same time… if you pull this off, you know it’s bragging rights for life. That you pleased a woman so hard that she grew a whole new damn pussy. And that, to you, is worth the effort.

You shrug your shoulders and again lean over the alicorn mare. The mood now pretty officially ruined, you once more try to slide your hand up her leg in a seductive way, but you’re pretty sure you’re just smearing lube all over the place at this point. Luna doesn’t seem to mind, but her smile is less seductive now. More grim. Like this is a mission she has to fulfill, and is trying to appear comforting about that matter.

As your fingers reach the seam where a pussy should be, you begin to apply gentle pressure. Oh god, the seam feels weird. Honestly, it’s like you’re just pressing down on somebody’s armpit, and don’t ask how you know that. Family reunions are weird. You glance up at Luna’s face to see if she’s enjoying this, but she seems more annoyed than anything else. You press harder, but still nothing happens.

“We suggest you use your fist,” she says flatly.

“I figured you might want a warm up to…. You know… loosen you up.”

“Loosen what up, Anon?”

“Okay good point.”

You make a fist with your lubed up hand, and place it over the center of the scar-like line. Then you slowly apply force behind it, feeling the skin give a little in a fleshy pudding kind of way. Still, nothing magically seems to open or envelop you.

“Are you putting enough pressure?” Luna asks, sounding downright bored.

“I’m trying,” you grunt, as you begin to put your actual weight behind it.

Luna grits her teeth and seems to be in some discomfort as you lean against her resistant nethers, but you keep pushing. Just gotta get it open, just have to make a dent here. Then you can maybe put your dick inside, or at least get paid. You wonder if that money is still on the table, it could definitely buy some decent porn.

“Perhaps you should use a speculum?” she asks.

“I don’t even know what that is,” you growl out as your forehead begins to sweat.

“Nor do I, but the doctor said…”

“Do you want me to do this or not?!” you practically shout.

You’re not in the best shape, and this is getting tiresome. Your arm is beginning to feel sore, and this isn’t getting anywhere. You’re sweating, but this vagina won’t open up and say hello, no matter how you push! You begin to make small jabs as you lean your body weight against it, like you’re kneading bread dough. Luna visibly winces from unease.

“Anon, this is beginning to hurt us!”

“You said you wanted to do this, and I’m doing what you said!”

“Well do it faster! Get it over with!”

“I can’t!” you shout, now practically pistoning at her pelvis with one hand.

“DO IT!”

“I’M DOING EVERYTHING I CAN!”

You’re sweating heavily now. As you apply pressure you can feel pressure on yourself too. Are you even a real man? Why can’t you get it in? Oh god, your cousin was right, you’ll never satisfy a real woman!

“JUST DO IT, ANON!” Luna yells now, her royal Canterlot voice beginning to show.

“I’M TRYING!”

“DO IT!” she shouts at you in her full, commanding fury. “GIVE US A VAGINA, THAT IS A ROYAL ORDER!”

You rear back your fist, letting out a guttural, primal cry. Every bit of testosterone in your body collects and directs itself with one singular goal in mind, all powering up your fist to its final form. You fold your thumb across your knuckles, prepare yourself to brace at the moment of impact, and with a long, unending scream, you drive your entire arm forward right between Luna’s legs.

“FALCON PUNCH!” you scream out like a complete imbecile, but it just feels right to yell it somehow.

Your hand makes contact with the flesh, and with a sound like tearing fabric, her vagina splits open down the seam. Luna lets out a scream of pain and horror, and claps both her front hooves towards her mare bits, falling to the side and writhing in obvious agony. You hand pulls back, dripping yellow from what must be thousands of years of pent-up pussy juice, as you watch Luna just convulsing on the bed, her new vagina open and angry like an axe wound.

You stand there, fist still poised in the air as if you’re afraid the pussy will fight back, panting heavily. For a moment, your brain forgets to work, but when you come back to yourself you feel every emotion at once. What. Have you. Done. You’re proud, ashamed, horrified, relieved, and terrified about what has just occurred. But your brain does at least agree entirely on one basic course of actions.

“So…uh… I’m gonna go,” you say slowly, stepping backwards towards the door, and away from the still moaning, incapacitated princess on the bed. “Hope that you… er… enjoy your new vagina. I’m… I’m just gonna head out now. Talk… talk to you later. Maybe. Uh. Bye.”

And with that, you slip out her bedroom door and slam it shut, then sprint as fast as you can down the castle steps and out into the city streets outside. Eyes still wild, hand still slick with goop and lube, you turn your steps towards where you came from, and start numbly walking.

In the back of your mind, there is one faint hope remaining: Maybe the adult store is still open. Your night didn’t go as planned until this point, but there’s still time to pick up some porn, anything but fisting stuff, and go home, and jack off. Trying to do anything more arduous today would probably just be overplaying your hand.

-END-

Author's Note

Pro-tip: If you ask me to write a story based on a title prompt... probably specify that it SHOULDN'T be porn... otherwise... this happens.

NP, I hope you love it.
Or hate it.
Both are good.

-pencil