Anon Gets Abducted By Bug Ponies

“-and after a long night of Booze Cruising, Celestia and I decided to switch Luna’s sugar powdered donuts—her favourite by the way—for ones that were instead covered in baby powder. Which may have almost ended up causing Luna to nearly execute the maid that usually serves them because; get this—she’s allergic to baby pow-“ My heartfelt tale of loss, love, mystery, and adventure was brought to an abrupt end, when a large *THUMP* sounded within the room.

My eyes snapped open, which had previously been closed due to the immersion I had been feeling while telling the glorious fable of old, of which I could remember nearly every detail of with near super human clarity. Almost as if it had happened a few days ago...

My eyes were focused on the ceiling, my feet kicked back on the table in front of me, my chair leaning against the wall. I took a breath and levelled my sight towards where I heard the sound. “Who dares interrupt-“

“Please stop...” Queen Buggy had her face planted on the table, she let out a shaky whimper, before she continued with speaking.

“You’ve been talking for hours and yet you still haven’t even told me a single thing!” She slammed her hooves on the weird table, causing it to warble slightly. She hissed out her other words.

“When I asked for you to tell me everything. I didn’t mean TELL ME EVERYTHING!... I don’t want to know your morning routine, Or what you did three weeks ago on a cold Sunday afternoon! I just want to know about the Princesses and their damn castle-!”

She let out another sad sound. “I wanted to know their schedules, not their favourite kind of tea!”

Well that’s dumb...

“...Well that’s retarded.” I said, not unlike a true man of ultimate knowledge. I then shifted in my seat and threw a thumb over to Jitter, who was watching us from the corner.

“Do you not have spies? Kinda redundant to kidnap me and waste resources spying on me when you could’ve done it to the princesses instead.” I shrugged.

The Queen looked frustrated. “I’d have done that it if I could, you dolt!” She slammed her hoof on the table again... Which made me jump.

“...But ever since that damn pink Hussy and her stupid wedding, the Royalty has had runes that read magic signatures placed all over the castle, they’d pick my drones out before they even made it past the castle gates!” She yelled.

I hummed while stroking my chin in thought. “Sounds like plot armour to me-”

“Enough!” I was interrupted. “I can’t take another word from you!” She slammed both her hooves to her head in anger, looking like she was about to lose her mind.

“You were suppose to be my Ace, My one chance and getting back at the Princesses and saving my Changelings from a fate worse than death!” She wailed.

“-And you can’t even tell me a rough estimate at what time their guards switch posts? I- I’m...” She choked out a sob.

“I’m a failure!” She collapsed her face onto the table, covering her head, as if trying to hide from the world.

Oh shit, it just got super weird in here, and now i’m very un-comfy. I don’t like sadness, sadness is gross...

She let out another cry and I flinched. God damn it, now I got to make her feel better. My resolve hardened in an instant.

If there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s icky sadness!

Plus, I don’t want to sit in this room, with her bawling for hours on end. Seriously, her tears are starting to form a puddle on the table, how the hell can such a tiny horse make so much water?

I stood up from my chair and strolled towards the disheartened Queen with confidence in my step, once I reached her end of the table, I stopped and poked her covered head.

“Please... no more... I can’t, not again...” Her voice rattled, cracked, and every pause was met with a small sob.

Fuck I made the weird pony Super Sad.

How the hell do I keep doing this shit? I sighed, and tapped her on the shoulder. “Hey, let me look at you for a sec.” I said softly.

To which she growled pathetically and snapped her head up to look me in my eyes with her red, sad ones. “Why? So you can mock and torment me some more!?” She laughed, but it was hollow.

Then she slumped.

“...Just let me wallow in peace-“ She was interrupted, because I wait for no one.

“Nah.” I said.

She winched, her ears flattening like how a beaten dog’s would have. And then I booped her odd tiny looking nose.

She gasped softly, her eyes crossing to follow where my finger had landed.

Good...

I smiled wolfishly.

“You activated my Stand.”

Now it’s time for the big guns.

I showed her no mercy, no reprieve, and gave her no time to even think about my next move, before I launched into a full out assault.

I took my finger away and used both my hands to pet, caress, and run through her- surprisingly fuzzy, ears. scritching and scratching in every spot I would with a dog, I smooshed her cheeks together, and hell...

I even pat her head...

She stood no chance, she fell to my attack with a coo, clearly not being able to withstand a move with such power and magnitude behind it.

She practically melted into my hands as I continued my brutality, with only one goal in mind...

To prove a point.

A point that I- ‘Anon the Conqueror’- Could tame any evil, any kind of sadness, with just a simple touch...

And boy did I prove it all right. As from this day, til’ the end of days, I was known across the lands, across the seas, across the globe, as the man who-

“This is better than love...” I was snapped out of my plans of world domination by the Queen. Who looked pretty out of it right about now.

I raised a brow, before shooting my gaze towards a very confused and uncomfortable looking Jitter.

“...So does this make me your King now, or something?” I said.

Truly, the worlds greatest diplomate.