Chapters I Don't Want Your Help...
Author's Note
This is based off true events. I wanted to put in the emotions and thoughts that went through my mind the first time I was hospitalized. How much fear I felt, I didn't know what to expect in there. I've heard so many negative stories and I wasn't sure what to believe.
If you or someone you know is struggling and needs help, don't hesitate to call for help. It's not like the stories online. They really do care for your needs and make sure you'll be okay.
(Introduction) Arrival
I lay awake as my friends Ellie and Flame Flare sit beside me in a horse-drawn carriage. I'm wrapped up in my blanket, refusing to say a word to anyone. This was their last resort to help me with my suicidal actions.
I felt Ellie gently stroke my mane. I only grunted in response as I pulled the blanket over my head. She sighed as she turned away.
I know they're just trying to help me, but this will do nothing to help me. The meds I've already been taking haven't really done much to help me, so what good will this do for me?
"We're here." the driver uttered.
Ellie helped me out of the carriage and thanked the stallion as we walked toward the hospital.
I stared at the ground, refusing to look at anyone as we grew closer to my isolation.
We walked in, greeted by nurse Red Heart. She looked up at us with a smile.
"Good morning, how many I help you today?" she asked.
Ellie explained the situation, saying I had attempted suicide, and I was transferred here to be admitted to the psychiatric ward.
Red Heart nodded her head as she went to go grab a wheelchair and had me sit in it. I reluctantly sat down as they took my belongings, placing them in a bag and placed it underneath the wheelchair.
I continued staring at the floor, avoiding eye contact as much as possible as they took me into the unit.
When we arrived, I was given a gown as they took my belongings to search through them. They told me which room I would be in and let me get dressed. Ellie walked in with me, helping me put on my gown.
I then crawled into my bed curling into a ball as Ellie sat down beside me. Tears began forming in my eyes as my body shook slightly.
"It's gonna be okay, Script..." Ellie uttered. "You'll be fine. You're going to get the help you need here."
She got up to leave the room, leaving me alone in my solitude.
I curled into a ball once I heard the door shut and sobbed. This was now my prison. I would be stuck here for Celestia knows how long and never be allowed out of my room.
My thoughts drifted over to hearing stories from ponies saying they treated you like a prisoner, not allowing you to do anything but stay in your room.
I looked around, taking in my surroundings once more.
I looked over to my left, finding a small desk with a chair. I noticed a bathroom door farther from the desk, but on the same side of the room. I then turned to my left finding an empty bookshelf. I was slightly confused as to why there weren't any chains or padded walls.
I then heard a knock on my door. I turned around, finding one of the nurses walk in. She had a light blue coat and a turquoise mane.
"Hi, Script?" she asked.
"Y-yeah?" I stuttered.
"Hi, my name is Tender Heart and I'm your nurse for today. How are you feeling?"
I couldn't take it anymore. I finally caved in as the realization hit me. I was locked up. I was stuck here with a bunch of strangers. I was alone. I didn't have any of my friends.
"I'm scared..." I sobbed. "I didn't wanna come here..."
"I understand this is hard for you, and I know you're not too happy about being here, but we need to make sure you'll be safe."
"I know... I just don't like being unprepared for the unknown..."
"I know, it can be scary not knowing what's going to happen, but trust me when I say we want to help you get better. Can I get you anything to get comfortable?"
"Could...I get my blanket back yet?" I asked. "It helps with my anxiety..."
"We still need to check your belongings, but I'll give it back to you as soon as possible. Are you okay if I perform a search on you?"
"What for?"
"Just to check for any injuries, things like that."
"Oh, okay... I guess."
She then proceeded to check me for any injuries. She pulled out a clipboard taking a few notes, probably for the scars on my hoof and my injury from my suicide attempt.
Afterward, she then asked me to perform a few physical tasks then asked me a few questions.
"Alright, we'll be having snack soon if you want to come to join us."
"Oh, I thought I wasn't supposed to leave my room," I said.
"No, you can pretty much come out and socialize whenever you feel like it as long as you stay on the unit. We also have group therapy and do activities if you want to participate in those as well."
"Oh, okay thanks. I'll be out in a minute then."
"If you need anything, just let us know."
She then left me alone once more shutting the door behind her. I laid down on my bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to process what my visit might be like.
Maybe this won't be that bad after all... I think I to myself.
I finally came out of my room, finding everypony at a table eating some food. I sat down next to a light blue unicorn with a pink mane. She turned and smiled at me.
"Hey there, I'm Orchid. What's your name?" she asked.
"I'm Script." She held out her hoof so I shook it. "You kinda remind me of someone I know."
"Oh? What's her name? Maybe I know her."
"Rose Diamond."
Orchid thought for a moment tapping her chin. "I don't think so, but she sounds nice. You good friends with her?"
I hung my head as my ears dropped back slightly. "I guess you could say that..." I muttered softly.
"You don't wanna talk about it?" I shook my head. "Alright, I won't push you."
"Thanks..."
The thought of my friend popped up into my head. The memory of our fight played through my mind.
Script Singer stared into her friend's eyes as she saw the anger inside her boiling.
"Did you make this all up?" Rose Diamond asked, glaring.
"...I...-" Script muttered.
"Did you?!"
Script Singer hung her head as tears fell down her cheeks, her voice shaking. "I never wanted to hurt anypony..."
"I was scared for you! I thought I was going to lose you!"
Script just stared into her friend's eyes with tears. She couldn't seem to think of anything to say but; "Rose, I'm so sorry!"
Rose only screamed and cursed at her before she turned away with tears in her eyes. Script fell to the ground as she sobbed loudly.
"What have I done...?" she muttered to herself. "Why can't I do anything right...? I only seem to hurt ponies... They're better off with me dead..."
An idea popped into her head. She then grabbed a piece of paper and began writing a letter to her friends.
I Don't Want Your Help...
Day One: In One Ear, Out The Other
I wake to a nurse coming into my room, bringing in a cart to take my pulse and other tests. I pull my mane in front of my face, refusing to look at her. She asked me a few questions about how I was feeling and how well I slept. Stuff like that. I didn’t really answer.
Once she left, I only pulled the covers over my head and tried to go back to sleep.
I didn’t sleep very well last night due to the memories. I couldn't help but wonder what she was doing while I was locked away. I wondered if she could ever forgive me for my mistakes.
I let out a sigh, giving up on trying to fall back asleep. I might as well go ahead and get up. I shuck off by blankets, and drag myself out of the uncomfortable bed and walked over to my bathroom, picked up my toothbrush, and began brushing my teeth. I stared at myself in the mirror, hating the image I saw before me. I tried to ignore it, failed but it’s the thought that counts, right?. I toss down my toothbrush and rinse, probably more harshly than needed, but whatever. I probably need a shower, I look around but there are no towels in my bathroom. Oh right, I need to tell the nurses when I’m in the shower, for “safety” or whatever. I do so and hop in.
My mind began to wander as I let the hot water run down my mane. What would my friends do with me once I came home? Would they forgive me for what I did? Would they even still consider me a friend?
"Script?"
I shook my head as I snapped back into reality.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Are you in the shower?"
"Yeah, I just got in."
I heard my bathroom door open as the nurse walked inside.
"Could you poke your head out so I can make sure you're in there?"
"Oh, yeah sure," I said as I popped my head out of the shower curtain.
She thanked me then left me alone in my room once more.
Afterward, I walked out of my room for breakfast. I sat next to Orchid and waited for the nurses to call my name.
“Hey Script!” Orchid greeted. “You sleep well?”
I let out a yawn as I shook my head.
“Oh, sorry to hear that.”
“It’s fine,” I say. “I’m used to it. So, what’s the schedule around here like anyway?”
Orchid looked over at the whiteboard. “Well, it looks like we’ve got group after breakfast.”
I looked over to where she was looking, finding a full schedule written down. “Huh, well that’s good to know.”
The nurses then called up my name and I got up to go see what was for breakfast. Omelets and hash browns. I’ve never tried them before but I figured I might as well considering I wouldn’t be allowed to eat again for a few hours.
I dished up and sat back down next to Orchid and poked at my food.
“It’s not as bad as it looks.” She whispered. “It’s actually quite good, just give it a shot.”
I stared at my food, deciding to try it out. I picked up my spork and took a bit out of my omelet and hashbrowns.
“They’re not half bad actually,” I said taking another bite.
After everypony finished their breakfast, one of the nurses walked in and escorted us to where the group was being held. Once that was over, we had some free time so I decided to go ahead and take some time to journal. After a while, we did the rest of the stuff on the agenda, and then visiting hours came.
I was in my room, just throwing a ball at the ceiling when I heard a knock on my door. I turned to see my friends Ellie and Lotus Moon. I didn’t really pay any attention to them, I just resented them for bringing me here. I know they were just trying to help me and do what was best for me, but I didn’t want any help. It would be better for everypony if they just let me go.
Visiting hours came to a close and my friends said goodbye and I went to bed.
"No, please! Just leave me alone!" I screamed.
A dark figure chased me down the streets of Ponyville. I panted hard as my hooves slammed on the ground.
"Get away from me!" I could hear the echoing chuckles behind me, but I didn't dare look back.
I tripped over a rock but quickly got back up. Adrenalin filled my veins.
I looked around frantically, finding the next turn I could, taking it. But I should have gone in a different direction.
I found myself trapped in a corner. I skidded to a halt as I frantically looked around for an exit as the voice grew closer. I slowly looked behind me, finding the creature of darkness, Shadow Mane.
"I plea for mercy, My Master..." I whimpered.
Shadow only let out a chuckle as he grew closer, pinning me against the wall. I squinted my eyes and turned away as my body shook in fear.
"Such a beautiful flower..." he growled as he began licking his lips. I felt his breath down my neck as he grew closer and began licking my neck slowly, smacking his lips.
I only whimpered more as he whispered things in my ear. I felt him pinning me harder against the wall.
I woke up gasping in fear, trembling. I looked at my surroundings, finding myself safe in my room. I curled up in my blanket as I began rocking myself as fear overwhelmed my body.
I noticed a bright light flash through my window, startling me. "Script, you alright?"
It was only a dream... Nothing bad can happen to me here... I'm safe... It's just a dream...
"Yeah, I'm okay," I said, trying to hide my fear.
The nurse just walked away to check on the next pony. I let myself silently sob as I tried to get the image out of my head but to no avail.
My mind flashes back to when I first had that nightmare. When I told my friends what really happened and that I was going to kill myself because of it, let’s just say they weren’t happy when they found out the truth...
Why...? Why did I make up those stupid lies? Look where it has gotten me... Broken friendships and a failed suicide attempt... Why couldn't I have gotten a sharper blade...? Why couldn't I kill myself right...? Why am I still alive...?
Why... was I given a second chance...?
Was it to continue this torture? Or was it something else? I know my friends need me, but I'm not that important... Am I...?
How were they able to save me?
Why were they so determined to help me after I gave up all hope? Why did they put me in here?
Was I actually gone...?
Finally, my exhaustion took over me as I settled back into bed.
Author's Note
Fun fact, yes they do check you frequently throughout the day.
I Don't Want Your Help...
Day Two: Coming Out Of My Shell
I woke up to the same routine as yesterday. A nurse came into my room, took my vitals, performed some exercises, and asked a few questions. showered and got ready for the day then waited for my breakfast.
I sat next to Orchid as I waited for the nurse to call my name for my food.
“They said I might be able to go home today.” She admitted, suddenly.
“Oh really?” I asked. “I thought you just got here.”
“No, I’ve been here for around 5 days but the usual stay time is around 3-7 days here.”
“Do you feel like you're ready to go home?”
“Well, I’m a bit nervous, yeah, but I feel like I’m ready.”
“What are you nervous about?”
“Well, I didn’t really feel safe in my home. I’ve had a bunch of family issues with my parents.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, my father has a history of drinking and he physically abused my mother and me. He’s taking time to work on himself though so we can have a more healthy relationship!”
“That’s good, I guess.”
“Well I shared, what are you in for?”
“I… tried to kill myself,” I said as my ears dropped back.
“Oh,” Orchid said, “That sucks, why? If you're comfortable talking about it.”
“It’s a long story… Besides, I don’t wanna trigger you.”
“I’ve got thicker skin than all that. Don’t worry about me, it’ll help to talk about it.”
“Alright, if you say so,” I mumbled. So I told her. I told her everything. It took probably around 10-15 minutes.
“Wow,” Orchid sighs, “Buck, I heard about some strange stallion passing through the North of Ponyville, but nopony came forward about being attacked. I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s alright, I don’t think anypony would know what to say.”
“It’s alright, I don’t think anypony would know what to say.”
“I wanna give you a hug.”
I smiled slightly and opened up my arms for an embrace. The hug was incredibly quick but felt like the best hug I’ve ever had. I felt tears stream down my face. “Thank you.” I cried.
Orchid smiled. “You’re welcome, Script.”
I sit in an uncomfortable chair, resting my chin on my hoof. We were in a movie room watching the latest hot movie that I wasn’t really interested in.
I heard one of the nurses calling my name so I got up from my seat to see what she wanted.
“The doctor said he wanted to talk to you, is that alright?” She asked. I just shrugged a reply.
She walked me into the small office of a brown earth pony with a short graying mane. I took a seat.
“Good afternoon, Script. I’m Doctor Cheval. How are you feeling today?” He asked.
“Not too different from when I first got here,” I grumbled.
“Well, do you want to get better?”
I just rubbed my neck and shrugged. “I don’t really know anymore… My head just keeps screaming at me to die, but I still wanna be able to experience life. It’s like I don’t really wanna die, but I don’t wanna live.”
Doctor Cheval nodded his head. “I can understand that. I think I know what the problem is.”
I looked up perking up slightly. “What is it?”
“You don’t have the will to exist.”
I tilted my head in confusion. “What do you mean?” I asked.
“Why don’t you start from the very beginning, why do you have depression?”
I saw images flash through my mind as I started trembling.
“It’s alright, nothing can hurt you here. This is a safe space where you can open up.”
“Alright, but I’m not sure how well I’ll be able to open up…” I said, taking a deep breath.
“That’s okay.”
So I started at the beginning. The very beginning. The reason why I didn’t speak up about my depression before. It felt like I spent hours explaining what happened to me and I cried. A lot. I just let myself let it out, I had to if I wanted to get any better.
“Thank you for sharing all of that with me, Script. That must have been really hard for you.”
I let out a sniff as I nodded my head, taking another tissue.
“The more you open up, the more I can help you.”
“I know, it’s just hard for me to open up about all of this…”
“I understand that, I know it’s hard."
A sudden sound of a timer brought us back to reality. “It appears that is all the time we have for today, thank you for meeting with me today.”
I nodded my head and shook his hoof and went back out to the movie area. By the time I got back, it looked like they were still watching the movie so I decided to just go back to my room and take a nap.
I walked into my room and to my bed pulling the covers over me and drifted off to sleep.
I Don't Want Your Help...
Author's Note
Heyo, for those who haven't heard already, I've been rewriting stories as of late, go check out the rewrite for the previous story!
Day Three: Hope
I sat at the table eating some Honey Nut Oats and some fruit. Today felt like a better day for me. I felt happier. It was lonely without Orchid but I got along with the other patients well. Due to the hospital policy, we weren't allowed to give out any of our contact information to each other for safety reasons. I thought the whole thing was stupid, but I just shrugged it off. I knew sometimes the rules there were quite strange.
“Script?”
I turned around and found the nurse from when I first got there. “Wassup?” I asked.
“Doctor Cheval wants to see you when you’re done eating.”
I nodded my head as she went back over to the nurse station to get some other work done.
Once I finished my food, I walked over to the Doctor's office. I knocked on his door and waited for a reply.
“Come in,”
I opened the door. “Tender Heart said you wanted to see me?”
“Yes, take a seat,” he said. I closed the door behind me as I took a seat in what I called, the therapy bed. “How are you feeling today? Any better than before?”
“I don't know,” I said. “I’ve been thinking about it, but I’m not sure.”
“That’s alright, healing doesn’t happen overnight..” The doctor said, comfortingly. “Is there anything you would like to talk about today?”
I folded my ears back slightly. “Um, kinda…”
“Oh, what is it?”
“It’s about my nightmares…”
“What about them?”
“I guess… Never mind, it’s dumb…” I mumbled.
“Nothing is dumb when it comes to matters of the mind.”
I rubbed the back of my neck as I stared at the floor. “Do you think it’s crazy that part of me still thinks he’s going to come back for me…?” I sighed.
“Not at all, it’s perfectly normal to have these thoughts after going through something so traumatic.”
I looked up at him. “Really?” Cheval nodded his head. “I’ve always thought something was wrong with me cause of it…”
“Nothing is wrong with you, Script. You went through a traumatic experience, it’s natural that it screwed up your mind.”
I only stared at the ground and folded my ears back. “I guess…”
“Why don’t we talk about your nightmares, eventually we may be able to make them stop completely, while that might not happen during your stay here, we can develop ways to cope with them and make them less scary in the meantime.”
I looked up at Cheval. “You think so?”
“I think it’s worth a shot.” I took a slow deep breath as I thought about it for a moment and nodded my head. “Why don’t you start at the beginning?”
“Well, what usually happens is I’m walking through town at night and then hear a chuckle echo around me.” I began. Cheval nodded urging me to go on as he jotted some notes down. “Then all of a sudden, I find myself backed up in a corner. Then…”
“‘Then’ what?” he asked.
At this point, I was clinging onto myself to the point my hooves began to tremble slightly.
“Remember, Script, nothing can harm you here. You’re in a safe space. Why don’t you just take a long deep breath, hold it for 5 seconds, and slowly let it out until you’ve calmed down? Here, I’ll do it with you.”
I nodded my head as I did as told. I took in a slow breath, hold it, and then release it.
“Again,”
In, hold, out.
We repeated the exercise five times and it felt like my body had this feeling of relief come over me. It felt nice.
“Feel better?”
I nodded my head before continuing. “Shadow Mane comes along and ends up… hurting me…”
“Shadow Mane?”
“Oh, that’s what I call him . I never really remember much about him, mostly that his mane and coat were dark colors.”
Cheval nodded his head. “I see.”
“By the time he does anything to me, I wake up and just wish I could end this nightmare for good.”
“By killing yourself?” I nodded my head, struggling to say it aloud. “It’s alright, you don’t have to feel ashamed for saying it out loud.”
I clung to myself more as I shifted around. “It doesn’t make it much easier facing it though…”
Cheval nodded once more. “It’s alright, there is one more thing I would like to ask you if you don’t mind, Script.”
I looked up at Cheval. “What is it?”
“How would you feel about going to a support group before being discharged?” he asked.
I tilted my head. “Like a therapy group?”
“Not exactly, more like a group of sexual assault survivors. They talk about how they have coped through it and all that jazz. Although, it would keep you here just a bit longer.”
I looked at the ground once more. “I… I don’t know…” I muttered. “The thought of it kinda scares me.”
“That’s alright. Why don’t you just give it a shot, it’s today around noon, you don’t have to show up to all the sessions if you don’t want to, but I feel like it would be beneficial for you.
“Alright, I’ll give it a shot.”
“Thank you, Script. I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today.”
I got up, walked out of the room, and back to my room to just rest until group.
Tender walked me down the hall, stopping at a door labled “Process Room.”
“It’s right in here, Script. Feel free to go in whenever you’re ready,” she said.
I took a deep breath as I approached the door before opening it. I slowly walked in, watching as the staring eyes of everypony watching me as I took a seat. I just stared at the ground.
“Welcome! What’s your name?”
I looked up, finding a young mare, looking to be in her mid-20s. She had a yellow coat with light blue hair. “It’s… Script Singer.”
The pony smiled. “Lovely to meet you, Script, I’m Water Lilly. Welcome to the group!” She turned over to the door, nodding at Tender Heart as she smiled in response and closed the door. “Now that we have everypony, why don’t I go over some things first? This is the Sexual Assault Survivor’s Support Group. Or as we like to call it, SASS.”
I tried to hold in my laughter. I sat in the circle of ponies, feeling my anxiety rise. There were six of us in total, all different ages and coat colors. The mare named Water Lilly continued her introduction.
"In this group, we share our experiences, our coping mechanisms, and support each other. No one is forced to speak, and everything said here stays here. We're all safe and non-judgmental. Now, let's go around the circle and introduce ourselves."
She turned to the pony next to me. "Why don't you start, Moonlight?" The pale blue unicorn cleared her throat before speaking. "I'm Moonlight, I was sexually abused by my father when I was 8. I'm 26 now and I still struggle with intimacy and trust issues." She took a shaky breath before sitting back down.
The next pony, a gray unicorn with a light blue mane, spoke up.
"I'm Luna, I was raped by a stallion I trusted when I was 19. I'm 32 now and I still have panic attacks when I'm alone with a male pony. I've been in therapy for years, and this group has been a lifesaver for me." Luna's voice wavered slightly, but she held strong.
I listened to the other ponies share their stories, my anxiety growing with each one. When it was my turn, I found it hard to speak.
The mare named Water Lilly noticed and encouraged me gently. "Script, you don't have to share if you're not ready. Would you like to introduce yourself without sharing your experience?"
I nodded gratefully. "I'm Script, I'm 20, and I was assaulted recently," I say, my voice barely above a whisper.
The ponies around me nod in understanding and support. Water Lilly smiles at me, "That's all you need to share for now, Script. We're glad you're here."
The group continues, with more ponies sharing their experiences and coping mechanisms. I find myself becoming more relaxed as I listen, even as my anxiety fades slightly.
Water Lilly eventually says, "Let's take a short break now. Feel free to mingle or just relax for a bit." I get up and move to the corner, leaning against the wall. After a few minutes, a mare with a dark green coat and teal mane walks over to me.She had mentioned she was abused by a former coltfriend when she turned 18, and still struggled with nightmares.
"Hey, I'm Aquamarine." She pauses, looking at me with a soft smile. "It's your first time here, right? I can see the anxiety on your face. Just remember, we're all here for you."
I manage a small smile. "Thanks, I appreciate that."
The break ends and we all return to our seats. Water Lilly starts the second half of the session. "Now that we've all introduced ourselves, let's talk about some common coping mechanisms. Who would like to share what they do to cope with their trauma?"
A few ponies raise their hooves. A purple unicorn with a white mane speaks up. "I find that writing in a journal helps me process my emotions. It's a safe place to express myself without judgment."
I nodded my head, finding it relatable. "I've tried that before, but I always end up tearing the pages up afterwards." I admitted.
The mare who checked on me on break, Aquamarine smiled. "That's alright, it's a process. I used to do the same thing, but I found that it helped me to write it all down first, then tear it up. It's like releasing the pain onto the paper before letting it go." I thought about it for a moment.
"Thanks, I might try that."
Water Lilly nodded, "That's a great idea, Aqua. Does anyone else have any coping mechanisms to share?"
The group continued to discuss various strategies, from physical exercise to art therapy to meditation. As the session wound down, Water Lilly reminded us of the next meeting time and encouraged us to continue supporting each other outside of the group. I left feeling a bit more hopeful than when I arrived, even though my anxiety was still present.
I walked back to my room, my mind full of the group's experiences. As I settled onto my bed, I took out a pen and paper, deciding to give journaling another try. I wrote down everything that had happened in the support group, being as honest and detailed as possible. As I wrote, I felt a weight lift from my chest, like I was finally acknowledging the pain I had been carrying.
I Don't Want Your Help...
Author's Note
Okay, I couldn't really wait much longer for this chapter to come out, so here it is! I also am introducing a new favorite character in Script's backstory.
Day 4: Progress
The next day, I woke up feeling a bit better. The journaling had helped me process some of my emotions, and I was starting to feel a bit more in control of my anxiety.
I continued with my day-to-day activities at the psychiatric facility, attending therapy sessions and group support meetings. Over time, I found myself opening up more to my peers and my therapist, slowly allowing myself to be vulnerable about my past. I started journaling more, using it as a safe space to process my emotions and unpack the trauma that I had been holding onto for so long.
I sat at my desk after the SASS group, writing in my journal when I heard a knock at my door. I looked up from my journal, surprised by the sudden knock.
"Come in," I called out, setting my pen down. The door opened and I found Nurse Tender Heart standing in the doorway.
“Script, you have a visitor,” she said. “Should I let them in?”
I looked up from my journal, taken aback. "A visitor?" I asked, my anxiety flaring up again. "Who is it?"
Nurse Tender Heart smiled reassuringly. "It's okay, Script. It's your sister, Portrait." she said.
I blinked in surprise, my heart skipping a beat. Portrait? Here? I hadn't seen my sister since... well, not since everything happened. I hesitated for a moment, my anxiety warring with my desire to see her.
"Um, sure, you can let her in," I said finally, my voice barely above a whisper. Nurse Tender Heart nodded and stepped out of the way, allowing Portrait to enter the room.
Portrait stepped into the room, her eyes immediately finding mine. She looked just as I remembered her - a dark orange coat with a light blue and purple mane and tail, her cutie mark a silhouette pony with a paint stroke and brush. She was a bit taller than me, and her eyes held a warmth that I had always found comforting.
"Hey, Script," she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm so glad I could see you."
I stood up from my desk, my heart pounding in my chest. Portrait closed the distance between us, her eyes scanning me from head to hoof. I could see the concern and worry etched into her face.
"You look... you look like you've been through Tartarus, Script," she said, her voice heavy with emotion.
I nodded, a lump forming in my throat. "Yeah, I have," I managed to choke out.
Portrait stepped closer, her hooves gently grasping my shoulders. "I'm so sorry, Script. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. I should have been there to protect you, to keep you safe." Her voice broke, and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.
I shook my head, my own tears threatening to spill over. "You... you're not mad at me...?" I whimper.
Portrait shook her head, her grip on my shoulders tightening slightly. "Mad at you? No, Script, never. I could never be mad at you. You're my little sister, and I love you more than anything in this world." She pulled me into a tight embrace, her warmth enveloping me like a blanket.
I melted into her arms, my tears finally spilling over as I clung to her desperately. "I thought... I thought you would hate me after..."
Portrait held me tightly as I cried, her own tears dampening my mane. "Oh, Script, no. Never. I could never hate you, you’re my sister." she murmured, stroking my back soothingly. "I'm just so sorry I wasn't there for you. I should have protected you better." I clung to her, my sobs wracking my body as the pent-up pain and guilt poured out of me.
I cried for what felt like an eternity, my body shaking with the force of my sobs. Eventually, my tears began to subside, and I pulled back slightly, wiping my eyes with the back of my hoof. Portrait looked at me with such love and concern, her own face streaked with tears.
"I'm sorry, Portrait," I whispered, my voice hoarse. "I'm so sorry for everything."
Portrait shook her head, gently wiping away a stray tear on my cheek. "Shh, it's okay. You don't need to apologize, Script. None of this is your fault. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, always. No matter what happens, you can always come to me, and I will always be on your side. I love you, and that will never change."
I nodded, a small smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. "I love you too, Portrait," I whispered, my voice thick with emotion. "More than anything."
Portrait smiled back, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "I know, Script. I know." She pulled me back into a hug, holding me close as I buried my face in her mane. "There is a question I've been wanting to ask you though, Script."
I looked up at Portrait, my brow furrowing in curiosity. "What is it?" I asked softly, my voice still slightly hoarse from crying.
Portrait hesitated for a moment, her gaze drifting to the floor before meeting mine again. "I... I was wondering..." she started, her voice wavering slightly. Portrait took a deep breath, seeming to steel herself before continuing. "I was wondering if... if you would be willing to talk to me about what happened. I know it's probably hard for you to discuss, and I completely understand if you're not ready or don't want to. But I... I just want to understand, if you're willing to share. I want to be there for you, in whatever way you need."
I looked at Portrait, her eyes searching mine, waiting for my response. I took a deep breath, my heart pounding in my chest. "I... I don't know, Portrait," I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. "It's... it's hard to talk about. I've never told anypony the whole story, not even the doctors here."
Portrait nodded, her expression softening. "I understand, Script."
"But I think... I think maybe it would help to talk to you about it," I continued, my voice trembling slightly. "You're my sister, and I trust you. And I... I want you to understand, I guess. What I've been through, what I'm going through."
Portrait's eyes shone with a mixture of relief and gratitude. "I'm so glad, Script," she murmured, gently squeezing my hoof.
"I know it won't be easy, but I'm here for you. Whenever you're ready, I'll listen."
I took a deep breath, steeling myself. "Okay," I said softly, my voice quavering slightly. "I... I can try to talk about it. But I... I don't know where to start."
Portrait gently led me to my bed, and we both sat down. She turned to face me, her eyes warm and encouraging.
"Take your time, Script. There's no rush. Just start with whatever feels right to you."
I closed my eyes, trying to gather my thoughts. "It... it started about a few months ago," I began, my words quavering. "I was walking home from a night out. I decided to take the shortcut to get home faster since it was so late.”
Portrait let out a gasp. "Oh, Script," she whispered, her eyes wide with concern. "Why did you go that way? You know it's not safe."
I opened my eyes, meeting her gaze. "I know, I know. I was just in a hurry, and I thought no one would be out at that hour, but I was wrong." I paused, taking a deep breath. "I saw somepony lurking in the shadows. I tried to run, but he was too fast."
Portrait's eyes grew wide, and she grabbed my hoof tightly, her body shaking slightly. "Oh, no, no, no. That's awful, Script." Her words wavered, and tears welled up in her eyes. "I can't imagine what you went through. I'm so sorry this happened to you."
I felt the tears threaten to spill down my face once again, but I pushed through. "It... it's okay, Portrait." I took another deep breath, my voice steady despite the lump in my throat. "He dragged me into an alley. He was... he was rough. He hurt me, Portrait. Badly. I don't remember much after that, just waking up the next morning surrounded by so much body fluids..."
Portrait listened intently, her expression a mix of horror and sympathy. "I can't even imagine the terror and pain you must have felt, Script. I'm so sorry that happened to you." She squeezed my hoof tighter, offering what comfort she could. "I wish I had been there to protect you, to stop him somehow. I feel like I failed you as your big sister."
I shook my head, a sad smile on my face. "You didn't fail me, Portrait. You couldn't have known, and I never told you about the shortcut I was taking. Don't blame yourself for something that's not your fault."
Portrait nodded, but the guilt was still evident in her eyes. "I still should have been there for you, somehow. I can't bear the thought of you going through that alone." She paused, her brow furrowing. "What happened after you woke up? How did you end up here?"
I looked at the floor, my ears dropping back slightly. "Well, after waking up, I was in a lot of pain and shock," I explained, my voice trembling. "I barely remembered what had happened, and my body was... was covered in bruises and blood. I was shaking, terrified, and completely lost. I didn't know what to do." Portrait listened intently, her expression a mixture of horror and sympathy. Tears welled up in her eyes as she imagined the scene.
"I somehow made it home." I continued, my voice barely above a whisper. "I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what had happened. I was too ashamed, too terrified. I just wanted to forget it all, to pretend it never happened." Portrait's eyes shone with unshed tears as she listened, her heart aching for her sister's pain. "I withdrew from everyone and everything. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I was a mess, both physically and emotionally."
I took a deep breath, my voice quavering as I continued. "I was suffering in silence... it was... it was a few months later that I... that I tried to end it all. I couldn't take the pain anymore, the shame, the fear. I thought it would be easier to just... to just not exist anymore."
Portrait's face contorted in shock and horror, her body tensing as she processed my words. "Oh, Script," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.
I let out a gulp, remembering my demon, Angel of Darkness.
"Hey, sis?" I asked.
Portrait's gaze met mine, her face reflecting a complex emotional state - horror, sympathy, and a deep-seated desire to understand. "Yes, Script? I'm here, I'm listening." She gently squeezed my hoof, her touch a comforting anchor in the storm of my memories. "What is it you want to ask?"
I took a shaky breath, steeling myself to voice the question that had been burning in my mind. "Do you..."
"Do I what, Script? I promise, you can tell me anything. No matter what you ask or how heavy it might be, I'm here to listen without judgment." Portrait's eyes held unwavering compassion, silently reassuring me of her unwavering support and understanding.
I gulped again, my hooves trembling slightly. The words were stuck in my throat, a weighty combination of shame and curiosity. Finally, I took the plunge. "Do you think… I'm crazy...?" Portrait looked at me with confusion and concern, silently urging me to go on. "There's... something I haven't told anypony, not even Lily..."
Portrait's eyes widened in surprise, and she leaned forward, her gaze intense. "Crazy? No, of course not, Script. I could never think that about you." She paused, her expression softening. "What makes you think that? Has somepony said something to you?"
I shook my head, my voice barely above a whisper. "No, nopony has said anything. It's just..." I trailed off, my mind drifting back to the dark times. "It's just that sometimes, I see things," I admit, my voice barely audible. "Things that aren't there. A dark figure, like a shadow. It follows me, watches me. I call it... the Angel of Darkness."
Portrait's eyes widen, but she doesn't pull away. She leans in closer, her voice soft and steady. "Script, I've heard about these kinds of things before."
Portrait listened intently, her eyes fixed on my face as I revealed this deeply personal piece of information. She leaned forward slightly, her expression a mixture of curiosity, concern, and a fierce desire to understand and support me. "I'm so glad you trust me enough to share this, Script. It takes a lot of courage to open up about things like this," Portrait said softly. She gently stroked the back of my hoof with hers, her touch warm and reassuring.
I nodded, looking down at our hooves. "It's hard to talk about, but I think it's making things worse. I don't know if it's real or not, but it's there, all the time. It's why I tried to... you know." I gestured vaguely with my hoof.
Portrait's expression turned determined. "We're going to get to the bottom of this, Script. Together."
She gently squeezed my hoof, her touch a comforting anchor in the storm of my memories. I let out a shuddering breath, feeling a weight lift off my chest. "Thank you, Portrait. I... I don't know what I would do without you." My voice cracked with emotion, and I blinked back the tears that threatened to spill over.
Portrait's eyes softened as she looked at me, and she reached out to gently touch my cheek, wiping away a stray tear. "You don't have to do this alone, Script. I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. Whatever you're dealing with, whatever this Angel of Darkness is, we'll face it together." Her voice was firm with resolve, but I could hear the underlying tenderness.
I nodded, leaning into her touch for a moment before pulling back. "Thank you, Portrait. I... I don't know what I would do without you." My voice cracked with emotion, and I blinked back the tears that threatened to spill over. Portrait's eyes softened as she looked at me.
"You don't have to do this alone, Script. I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere."
"But Portrait," I say, my voice trembling slightly, "what if it's not just in my head? What if the Angel of Darkness is real? What if it's... controlling me?" I look down at my hooves, my heart pounding in my chest. "I've been feeling so out of control lately. Like I'm not even myself anymore."
Portrait's expression turns serious, her eyes filled with determination. She leans in closer, her voice low and intense. "Script, listen to me. Whatever this Angel of Darkness is, real or not, you are in control of your life. You have the strength within you to overcome this, and I will be right there beside you every step of the way." She gently takes both of my hooves in hers, her grip warm and reassuring.
"Together, we'll find the truth of this Angel and understand what it really means for your life." She pauses for a moment, studying my face with a piercing intensity. "I know it seems overwhelming, but I believe in your strength and resilience. You've overcome so much already, and now, we can face this challenge together. Can you try to trust me, Script?" Portrait's face reveals a quiet firmness that contradicts its softness as she waits for my response.
I look into Portrait's eyes, seeing the unwavering support and belief in me. I take a deep, shuddering breath, trying to calm the racing thoughts in my head. "I... I want to trust you, Portrait. I do. But it's so hard sometimes, you know? To believe that I'm not crazy, that this isn't all in my head." I gesture vaguely to my temple, my hoof trembling slightly.
Portrait nods, her face softening as she listens to my words. "I know it's difficult, Script. But I need you to believe me when I say this: you are not crazy. Whatever you're experiencing, it's real to you, and that's what matters." She gently squeezes my hooves, her touch warm and reassuring. "We'll work through this together, step by step. I won't let anything happen to you, okay?"
I nod slowly, feeling a small measure of comfort in Portrait's words. "Okay, Portrait. I... I'll try. For you."
Portrait's face lights up with a warm smile, her eyes crinkling at the corners. "That's all I ask, Script. Just try, one day at a time. I'll be here to support you every step of the way."
She leans in and gently kisses my forehead, her lips soft and reassuring against my skin. I close my eyes for a moment, savoring the feeling of her closeness and the comfort of her presence.
"I have to go now," Portrait says reluctantly.
"I understand," I say softly, reluctantly pulling away from Portrait's comforting embrace. "Thank you for coming, Portrait. I... I don't know what I would do without you." I look down at our still-joined hooves, feeling a lump form in my throat. "I know it's not much, but... thank you for being here for me. For believing in me, even when I can't believe in myself."
Portrait smiles warmly, giving my hoof a gentle squeeze before releasing it. "That's what sisters are for, Script. I'll always be here for you, no matter what. Remember that, okay?" She stands up, smoothing out her coat and adjusting her mane. "I'll be back soon. And in the meantime, I want you to keep writing in your journal, okay?"
I nod, looking over toward my journal on the desk. "I will, Portrait. It helps, you know? To write it all down."
Portrait smiles, her eyes crinkling at the corners. "Good. That's good, Script. Writing can be a powerful tool for healing. Now, I want you to promise me something." She leans down, her voice dropping to a soft whisper.
"Promise me that you'll keep writing, even when it's hard. Even when it hurts. Because it's through that pain that you'll find your strength again. Can you promise me that, Script?"
I look up at her, tears in my eyes, and nod. "I promise, Portrait. I'll keep writing. Even when it's hard."
She smiles, her eyes filled with pride and love. "That's my girl. Now, I have one more thing to ask of you." She pauses, her expression turning serious again. "I want you to try and talk to the doctor here. They're here to help, Script. They have experience with things like this, and they might be able to provide some tools or techniques that can help you cope."
I look up at her, a small spark of hope kindling in the midst of the fear and confusion swirling inside me. "I... I'll think about it, Portrait. I know you're right, but..." I trail off, unable to finish the sentence.
Portrait's face relaxes, and she gently pats my shoulder. "That's all I ask for now, Script. Just consider it, okay? You don't have to do anything right away." She pauses for a moment, studying my face with a piercing intensity. "I know it seems overwhelming, but I believe in your strength and resilience. You've overcome so much already, and now, we can face this challenge together. Can you try to trust me, Script?"
I look into Portrait's eyes, seeing the unwavering support and belief in me. I take a deep, shuddering breath, trying to calm the racing thoughts in my head. "Okay..." I say softly.
Portrait leans in for one last hug before saying goodbye, her warm presence comforting me. As she walks out of the room, I feel a sudden chill in her absence. I pick up my journal, the pen still clutched in my hoof, and I start to write. The words flow slowly at first, then more quickly as I pour out my feelings onto the paper.
