Your Family and You

“No way!”

“Yes way.”

“There’s no way you did that!”

“It’s the truth.” I raised my hand, my face solemn, although the effect was lost on the now-blind Sunny. “Right across her face. Open hand. A nice, echoing slap.” Lowering my hand, I gave Stacker a sheepish look. “Granted, I don’t think I actually hurt her and Luna then proceeded to blast me down the hall. All-in-all, though, if I could go back and do it all again, I would.”

“I can’t believe it,” Sunny said, the awe clear in her voice. “You slapped Princess Celestia. You slapped Princess Celestia.” Her face scrunched up. “You slapped Princess Celestia!”

“That’s the part of the story you find the hardest to believe?” Stacker asked, cocking an eyebrow. “Not the rest of the things? Getting hit with the Elements of Harmony, discovering that there were a bunch of Terran humans in the caves beneath Canterlot, fighting a massive Discord. No, it’s that he slapped the Princess.”

“You can’t just slap a Princess!” Sunny squawked, turning her head in Stacker’s direction.

“Why not?” I asked. “I’ve done it before to a different princess and she didn’t complain.” I paused as I pretended to consider something. “Well, that’s not entirely true. She did moan, but for a completely different reason.”

The apartment was quiet for a moment as both of them worked out what I had just said, but then—

“M-M-Max!” Sunny squeaked, her face turning bright red. The blush was especially noticeable on the recently-shaved half of her face, the skin more noticeable through the thin hairs. “You can’t just… h’ohmygosh! Why would you… what If Twilight heard… no!”

Stacker could only sputter and cough, as he had been taking a drink of water when he figured it out. Putting the glass down, he pounded on his chest as he gasped for air.

“What?” I asked, looking between the two. “Oh, don’t paint me as the bad guy here. She was asking for it! She said, and I quote, ‘spank me, daddy, I’ve been a naughty’—ouch!” Rubbing the cheek that Sunny had just buffeted, I laughed. “Okay, fine! I’ll stop. I’ll stop!”

Sunny’s cheeks were still puffed, but she settled back down in my lap. Crossing her forelegs, she mumbled under her breath.

“Anyways,” I said as I went back to scritching behind her ears, which earned me a happy coo from her, “that’s about where I am right now. After that, it’s just been a few weeks of lounging around the library as I recover. Other than that, nothing really interesting has happened since.”

“Nothing?” Stacker asked.

I shook my head. “Mmmm, nope. Well… maybe. There is this one Equestrian human that’s taken up residence in the library with us named Pyreste—”

thud thud thud

A sudden series of loud knocks on the door interrupted what I was going to say. I stared at the door for a moment before glancing at Stacker. “Are you… expecting company?”

“Not that I’m aware of,” he said slowly. Our eyes met before he slowly got to his hooves and moved to the door. Peering out of the peephole, he was still for a moment before a look of confusion flashed across his face. “What in the…?”

“What is it?” Sunny asked, cocking her head around, her ears perked.

“Lunar Guard,” came the reply as Stacker unlocked the door. Swinging it open, he gave the two guards on the other side a cool look. “What can I do for you, ladies?”

Craning my neck to see around him, I saw two ponies standing outside in the hall. One was a unicorn mare with a gray coat and white mane, while the other was a bat-winged mare with a gray coat and dark-green mane. Both were wearing the standard lavender armor of the Lunar Guard and both had glowing red eyes.

The unicorn nodded her head before speaking, her voice soft but with a hint of authority behind it. “Sorry for the intrusion. I am Captain Dark Knight and this is Nightingale. We were informed that the Anomaly was last seen leaving with a First Lieutenant Cloud Stacker. We’re here to escort him back to the palace.”

Stacker turned to look back at me, which drew the gazes of the two guards to me. It was probably a strange sight—me with a blind pony nestled in my lap and a blanket bunched around us like a nest—but to their credit, they barely batted an eye.

“Oh good, you are here,” the unicorn said. “Now, if you’d come with us, please.”

I didn’t move. “Why? Did something happen?”

The guards looked between each other before the unicorn answered. “Sir, the Healers have been looking for you for about an hour. Your lab work is done, and your companion is finished with her treatment.”

Blinking, I glanced over at the window, only to find the world enveloped in a deep orange hue as the sun nearly touched the horizon. Shadows had deepened, and the few clouds present were alight like floating embers as the last light of the day illuminated them against the darkening sky.

“Holy sh… Is it really that late already?” I mumbled. “Where has the time gone?”

Sunny shifted about in my lap. “Awww, already? It feels like you just got here.” She pouted and crossed her forelegs. Tears began to well up in the corner of her eyes. “This is a load of horseapples.”

“Hey, don’t cry, butterbutt,” I said. Giving her a squeeze, I ruffled her short mane. “Now that I know where you are, visiting should be easier. And you can still come visit me too whenever you are able to get up and about again.”

“I suppose…” Sighing, Sunny climbed out of my lap and settled at the other end of the couch. “Still wish you could have stayed longer.”

Standing up, I stretched only to wince as my back and leg joints popped loudly. A quick massage of my bad leg worked the stiffness out of it and I was able to bend down to pick up my cane. “That would be nice, but I think I’ve taken advantage of Stacker’s hospitality a little too much today.”

“It isn’t a bother, sir,” Stacker said. “It was just nice being able to see her smile and be all excitable again.”

I grinned. “She’s adorable, isn’t she?”

“A-adorable?!” Sunny squealed and her face turned a nice crimson before she buried herself beneath the blankets. “I am not… you can’t just… don’t you have to be leaving now?”

Laughing softly, I waved goodbye to Stacker before following the guards out the door.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

A Healer was waiting for us in the main hall when we got back. The guards were in the process of being changed, the golden-armored ponies being replaced with lavender-armored ones. Maids were changing the banners out, Celestia’s white and yellow ones giving way for Luna’s dark blue and silver.

The Healer was seated in the middle of the chaos, her ear twitching whenever another pony walked by. As I limped towards her though, she stood and moved to meet me. “Good, you’re back. You were making us nervous.”

“That’s my job, apparently,” I said as I gazed around, taking in the activity. A maid waved at something down a nearby corridor and I blinked in surprise as a female human walked out of the shadows to help. With the maid directing her, they were both able to get a particularly difficult banner down and folded.

“You might want to consider a career change then,” the Healer said, adjusting her blindfold mask.

“I’ll be sure to tell Twilight.” Giving the maid and the human one last look, I returned my attention to the Healer. “So, what’s the news, doc? Am I going to be able to play the piano?”

“If you were able to do so before, you’ll be able to do so still,” the Healer sighed. “We weren’t checking your hands. We were checking your blood, and the lab came back relatively normal.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Relatively normal?”

“You have to understand,” the Healer replied, “with your unique physiology, the only baseline we have to go off of is the paperwork your guards provided us, as well as what little information we could glean from you during your previous stay. When we compared your blood work to the records we have on file, they were close enough to be considered normal.”

“That’s good.”

“However—” she held up a hoof “—there was one discrepancy we found. Your cholesterol levels have risen since last we checked. Not an alarming amount, mind you, and nothing we’re concerned about. It is a noticeable amount though, and if left unchecked, it could be a problem.”

“So, what should I do then?”

“We believe it will return to the previous levels as you become more active,” she said. “Your stationary lifestyle during your recovery is the probable cause of the spike. Once you’re mobile again, everything should return to normal.”

I perked up. “So, that means my leg is good to go, right?”

The Healer nodded slowly. “Yes, for the most part. Just please… take it easy. No running any marathons, no fighting or wrestling, and definitely no mountain hiking. Absolutely no strenuous activities whatsoever. Just take it slow, take it easy, and work your way up. We don’t want to see you back here again because you were careless and injured your leg further.”

“Gotcha.” I nodded. “Tell Twilight she has to be on top for a while.”

The Healer sighed again and shook her head. “You’re free to go. Your companion went with Princess Luna while they were waiting for you. They said they’d meet you in the private living quarters when you were ready. Princess Luna said you’d know the place. You stayed there the last time you were here.”

I had to think for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, I think I can figure out how to get there.”

“Then we are done here.” With that, the Healer turned and walked off.

It took me longer to find the royal living quarters than I would like to admit. It probably had something to do with the fact that I took the wrong staircase somewhere along the way. Why this place needed so many hallways and stairways I’ll never know, but I eventually arrived in a corridor I recognized.

The hall was dimly illuminated, with only every-other lantern flickering. By now the sun outside had set, and faint moonlight streamed through the stained-glass windows. Bouquets of lavenders hung from the support pillars, filling the air with a pleasant aroma.

As I walked, I mused over the day’s events, and a smirk touched my lips as I muttered to myself. “See? I can do stuff without things going to shit. I went out by myself today and nothing bad happened. All I need to do is find Primrose and we can go home. I’m already in the castle. What could possibly go wrong?” Reaching the end of the hall, I turned around the corner…

...only to find another empty hallway. Or at least, it looked empty at first. About halfway down the corridor, I came across another maid along with two humans; a male and a female. She was speaking in hushed tones to them, her face scrunched in annoyance. “No, no, no. Floooral, got it? My name is Floral Arrangement. Floor-al A-range-ment. Try it again, please.”

The female human blinked before cocking her head to the side. “Laurel?”

The male on the other hand just slowly nodded his head. “Yanny.”

“No!” the maid huffed, stomping her hoof in an adorable fashion. “That’s incorrect! Floral. Floral. My goodness, I’ve heard you say more complicated things. Why is my name so hard?”

Both humans chirped before moving and sandwiching the mare in a massive hug.

“Yanny,” the female cooed, rubbing her cheek against the mare’s mane.

“Laurel,” the male added.

The mare’s face exploded in a blush, but she smiled all the same. “You two are lucky you’re so helpful and friendly, otherwise I might have replaced you.”

Leaving the three of them to their bonding, I quietly snuck around them and continued down the hallway. If memory served, the dining room was nearby. Seeing as there were some comfy cushions to sit on, I figured I’d wait there for Luna and Primrose to find me. Maybe I could even get some food too, if I was lucky.

Rounding the corner again, I saw my intended destination at the end of the new hall. I started towards it, only for the door next to me to open suddenly. Celestia stepped out, her face buried in a scroll and her horn glowing. I opened my mouth to shout a warning, but it was too late. She glanced up at the last moment, and her eyes widened in alarm. She even tried to correct her course but it was all for naught.

Unable to stop ourselves, we crashed into one another, sending each other to the floor in a heap of limbs. There was an explosion of blinding purple light as the magic around her horn fired off. The world spun and my stomach was squeezed by an unseen force.

I laid there, my eyes shut tight as I waited for the floor to stop shifting. Even though my closed eyelids I could still see stars dancing about my vision. Eventually it began to subside, although I still felt off. Hopefully I didn’t break anything in the fall. I’m sure the Healers would chew my head off if I showed up in the hospital wing again.

Struggling to sit up, I groaned. “Ugh… fuck me—!” The words caught in my throat as I spoke. Only… it wasn’t my voice. It was softer, more feminine, and very, very familiar. Alarm welled up inside of me and grew worse when I felt twin twitches at my side as a pair of appendages I didn’t have before suddenly moved.

“Oh… oh no!” came a male voice from in front of me. My eyes flew open and I was greeted by a sight that added to my already-growing horror.

There, sitting across from me with the same stunned expression on their face… was me.