“I can’t believe I let you guys talk me into this,” Ebony grumbled. With a huff, she blew a strand of pink hair out of her eyes. Lifting the hammer in her magic, she lined up the shot before sinking the nail in with one hit.

Leaning on the open window sill, Primrose and I watched her work from inside the kitchen. Primrose had dragged a couch pillow along with her and was now perched on the sill like a spoiled cat in the sunlight. The whites of her eyes had turned black and her fangs protruded from her lips along with the almost-finished joint. As she exhaled, smoke wafted up into the dense foliage above and disappeared amongst the leaves.

At this point, I had stopped smoking with her and instead was now snacking on a bag of mixed nuts I had found in the pantry. Normally, I wasn’t much of a nut person, but I was starving and they just looked and sounded delicious at the moment. Glorious flavors filled my mouth as I munched on roasted peanuts and almonds. I dug around for another handful, only to pause when a sad-sounding chirp came from behind me.

Pyresteed was seated on the floor, giving me a forlorn look. At first I didn’t know what the problem was, but then her eyes darted down to the bag of nuts in my hands. Digging out a large walnut, I tossed it to her. Her eyes lit up and she darted forward, catching the tumbling nut in her mouth, where she proceeded to crunch down on it with much enthusiasm.

I threw her a couple more nuts before turning back to stare out the window at Ebony. She was putting the final touches to the project before stepping back and examining the window box she had just erected. Dark soil filled the hardwood planter and little wire nets stuck up in evenly-spaced intervals throughout it.

“There,” Ebony grunted, taking a step back. “That should about do it.”

“What about the watering system?” I asked.

She stared blankly at the box before sighing. “I had really hoped that you would forget about that part.” Shaking her head, she picked up a medical bag that had been sitting by the base of the tree. The main flap opened and she pulled out a large blood bag.

“Are you sure about this?” she asked as she held the blood bag up in her magic.

Exhaling a cloud of smoke, Primrose smiled and nodded her head eagerly. She stared at the blood bag like a filly on Hearth’s Warming Eve. “Yes. All of my yes. This is going to work. This is going to be great!”

Beside her, I nodded as well, my mouth full of cashews.

“But… this is your blood,” Ebony said to me.

I shrugged. “I’m not using it at the moment.”

“Yes, but if I use it for this, we’ll have to resupply our stocks,” she said, waving the bag around through the air. Primrose’s eyes followed its motion like a cat watching a mouse. “That means we’ll have to draw more blood from you, which entails sticking you with needles.”

“A’ight…”

“You hate needles!”

I shrugged again. “With you guys living here, I’m used to dealing with a bunch of little pricks at this point.”

Ebony opened her mouth only to pause, her eyes narrowing as she stared up at me. I tried to give her a blank look, but the corners of my mouth turned traitors and slowly began to twitch upwards against my will.

Beside me, I heard Primrose fighting back her own giggles.

Ebony continued to stare at us for a moment before sighing again. “Alright, fine. Fine! Let’s just… get this over with.” She opened the medical bag again and pulled out an IV kit, which she promptly began disassembling the needle component. Using said needle, she poked holes along the thin, rubber tube at even intervals.

As I watched her work, a sad chirp came from behind me again. Fishing out another large walnut, I threw it over my shoulder. A moment later, there came a snap and a crunch, followed by the sound of chewing. I tossed another one back there before enjoying a handful of peanuts myself.

By then, Ebony had finished with her assembly. Hanging the blood bag on a small hook above the window, she ran the tube down the side of the window frame and snaked it through the planter box.

“Right,” she sniffed, rubbing her nose with a hoof. “That’s the best I can do with the materials I have presently, but it should be all set up now.”

“And this will work?” Primrose asked, her ears perking up.

Ebony shook her head. “This shouldn’t work at all. Plants need water to grow, not blood. If anything, all this will accomplish is giving us clotty, clumpy soil that smells and attracts flies after a couple of days. Still, I’ll play along until you guys come to your senses.”

“So, how does this work anyway?” I asked. Poking the blood bag with a finger, I watched as it swung back and forth.

“It uses the same premise as drip irrigation,” Ebony said. Her horn lit up as she stopped the bag swinging. “When I open the tab, blood will flow down the tube and slowly be dispersed into the soil thanks to the small holes in the tube itself. This would normally help the plants grow by getting the water into the root system with minimal evaporation. However, as I said before… this is blood, not water. I have no idea what’s going to happen.” She paused before tsking. “Actually, I know what’s going to happen. Nothing good.”

“No, no, this will work,” I said. “We’ve done the math. Everything checks out. This is so going to work.”

Ebony gave me an incredulous look before shaking her head. “Maker help us,” she muttered before turning the IV tab with her magic. Slowly, blood began to ooze down the tube, creeping down and down and down until it reached the soil below.

“There we go,” she said. “Now it starts.”

“So…” Primrose said, her eyes watching the blood sliding down the tube, “how… how long until the tomatoes grow?”

Ebony paused in packing up the medical bag. “Well, should this actually work… which it won’t… it’ll be about forty to fifty days until the plants start to actually produce fruit.” She slung the bag over her back. “However, the blood is probably just going to kill the seeds, so, yeah… nothing’s going to happen.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, kiddo,” I laughed.

“I can practically taste the flavor already,” Primrose mumbled, her tongue lolling out.

“I give up,” Ebony sighed. Turning, she headed for the back door. “Just… I don’t know… remember to change the bag when it runs out?” She stopped before sighing again and muttering under her breath. “I can’t believe I did this…”

Reaching up, I poked the blood bag again. “So… how long do you think this will last before we need to change it out?”

“I don’t know…” Primrose blinked. “Maybe like… every seven days? Eight?”

“How many bags of blood do we have downstairs?” I asked.

“About… six of yours, I think?” Primrose hummed. “Maybe seven?”

“Do you have any of your guys’ blood down there too?” There was a sad chirp and I threw an almond over my shoulder.

There was a crunch before, “Mmmm… Alpha nut good.”

“No, I think we used all our supplies during the Canterlot incident,” Primrose said. She paused before shaking her head. “Actually… the other two might have resupplied, but I haven’t been in proper shape to resupply yet.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “We’ll just use mine then. I don’t think it’ll take more than six, right?”

“More alpha nut?”

“No, I don’t think it’ll take more than six.”

“I hope not. Otherwise, we might just have to hook me up to the drip manually.”

“Alpha, nut?”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

“I wouldn’t be able to leave the kitchen! Where am I supposed to sleep? Go to the bathroom? Stuff like that?”

“Alpha nut pls?

“Oh… good point.”

“I guess if worse comes to worst, we can just have Ebony take some more blood, right?”

“Nut for Pyresteed?”

“But you hate needles.”

“I’ll just need a distraction. Maybe I can get Twilight to… what? What do you want?”

“Alpha, nut in mouth pls!”

“Alright, fine! God. Hold still...”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Darkness was beginning to fall over the library. The last light of the setting sun shone through the windows, casting the room in a deep orange hue even as the shadows lengthened. Fireflies were beginning to flash to each other, and the nocturnal creatures stirred. From the upper balcony, Owlowiscious hooted before taking off into the sky to hunt.

Entrenched at the far end of the couch, I had my bad leg up on a footstool. A bottle of whiskey rested on the table beside me, and a glass of it sat in my hand. Having already finished off a few rounds beforehand, I was feeling rather relaxed and warm.

Primrose was on the other end of the couch, draped over the armrest as usual. She had another blunt in her mouth, although this one was smaller than the one before and had a more fruity aroma than before. The bandages around her chest had been pulled back, revealing the wounds on her chest as she aired them out. She had a deep crater on her chest with a matching one opposite on her back. While not life-threatening anymore, it was still nasty to look at as pinkish-clear liquid oozed around the edges.

“Drainage,” she had grunted when I asked her if that meant it was infected or not.

Across the way, Ebony sat on one of the library’s many cushions. A flowery bandana kept her bangs out of her eyes. In her magic, she had a mug of her own which she nursed reverently—her supply of Cinnamon Apple Cider running dangerously low. She took little sips, humming happily with each taste.

Avera was stretched out across the armchair, her wings spread wide and her black feathers disheveled. She had just gotten home not that long ago from her delivery gig, the mail cap still resting atop her disheveled, two-tone red mane. Over the past couple of weeks, she had been taking up odd jobs around town for extra bits. When we asked her why, she had just shrugged and said it was for a personal reason. She didn’t seem overly stressed about it, so we let it be.

We were all relatively grouped around a small coffee table that was illuminated by a dim lantern overhead. Various food wrappers covered the scuffed wood, as well as some empty bottles. In the center of the table though, was the focus of our attention. It was a new game that Ebony had picked up from the local hobby shop one day when she was out and about. The premise was rather simple—it was called Hail to the FUNgeon, and it was played almost like an RPG-style liar's dice.

It was turn-based, with each player bidding to see who could get a solitary hero token through the shared dungeon with the provided equipment. When it was your turn, you could either add monster cards to the ‘dungeon’ pile (which would make the trial even harder), remove a piece of equipment from the hero (which would make the hero weaker), or drop out of the bidding by passing. The last player standing then had to take the hero into the FUNgeon and confront all the monsters inside, with what little equipment they had left.

To make matters even more complicated, certain monster cards could only be defeated by certain equipment cards. If said monster card came up and you didn’t have the proper equipment, you took full damage.

Basically, you were trying to fuck over your friends without getting screwed over yourself.

It was a fun game, and even though there was some mental planning that went into your decisions, it was also fairly relaxing as well.

Leaning back against the couch, I sipped at my whiskey as Avera took her turn. She drew a card from the pile and, after studying it for a moment, placed it face down in front of her before grabbing the spear equipment piece and removing it from play.

“I don’t think she’s coming back tonight,” she said as she placed the spear piece on top of the face-down card. Grabbing a bottle of cider, she popped the cap with a tooth before downing half the contents in one gulp.

“Who’s not coming back?” Ebony asked as Primrose took her turn.

“Who do you think?” Avera grunted. “Sparkle? Our kind and benevolent landlady? It’s getting dark and she’s still not back yet. I have to assume she’s not coming back home tonight.”

“Of course she isn’t,” I scoffed.

This caused Avera to blink. “What? Did she tell you she was staying there overnight or something?”

I shook my head. “No, but knowing her, I kinda figured. I’d be willing to bet twenty bits that she’s currently going through the library book by book. She’s definitely not coming home tonight.” Reaching down, I drew a card and looked at it. The dragon card stared back at me and I suppressed a grin. Avera had already removed the spear, which meant nothing could beat the dragon… which did the most damage.

Keeping my face blank, I slipped the dragon face down on the dungeon pile before continuing. “I’d expect her to be back sometime tomorrow afternoon… but I don’t know if she took any food with her or not.”

“So, you’re saying it’s a battle between her love of reading and her need for food,” Avera snickered.

“Poor Spike,” Ebony said, her ears splaying back. “He can’t walk home by himself, what with the castle being deep in the Everfree Forest. I just hope he finds somewhere comfortable to sleep.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he took a pillow with him just in case,” I said. “Honestly, depending on how ragged Twilight runs him, he might just pass out on a pile of books.” Finishing off the whiskey in my glass, I poured myself more from the dwindling supply in the bottle.

“I suppose,” Ebony said. Leaning forward, she drew a card from the deck and after giving it a quick look, tossed it onto the dungeon pile.

“Pass,” Avera said, leaning back further in the armchair.

“Pass,” Primrose rasped, smoke escaping her nostrils.

“I’ma have to pass,” I said as Primrose passed me the blunt. The flavor of black cherry and blueberries filled my mouth as I took a hit and held it in.

“Mother buckers,” Ebony grumbled. Her horn lit up and she dragged the dungeon pile over to her. Casting an eye over the few pieces of equipment she had left, she began flipping the cards over one by one, while muttering under her breath. “Timberwolf, the torch deals with that. Windigo, torch deals with that as well. The drag—mother bucker!” She slammed her hooves on the table and glared at each of us in turn. “Which one of you buckers put the dragon in here?!”

“Get rekt, scrub,” I said while exhaling a plume of smoke.

Ebony glared at me before closing her eyes and sighing. She picked up the cards again. “No, alright. It’s fine. I still have 3 health. I can do this. I can do this. I can do thi—why the buck is the wraith card here too!?”

“Oops,” Primrose snickered.

“Mother buckers,” Ebony groaned, collapsing onto the table.

“Welp, that’s the second time you’ve died,” Avera said. “You know what that means.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ebony said as she sat up again. “What do you guys want?”

“A large with green peppers, red onions, mushrooms, and anchovies,” Avera said quickly.

“A large with extra cheese and red onions, with pineapple on half,” I added. “Primrose and I are going to split it. Oh, and a small for Pyresteed.” A soft snore came from behind the couch, as if she knew she was being talked about.

Ebony nodded and placed her mug onto the table. “Alright. I’ll be back in a little bit.” Grabbing her saddlebags, she headed for the front door, calling back over her shoulder as she did so. “And nopony touches my cider!”

I watched her go for a moment before gathering up all the dissolved cards. Shuffling, I glanced around at the other two. “Sooo… next one out has to do a dessert run?”

“Works for me,” Primrose said.

Avera nodded. “I’m in.”

“Better hurry then,” I said, placing the cards down. “Sugarcube Corner closes in half an hour.”

Author's Note

For those of you who are wonder, yes, the game they are playing is indeed real. Go here. Play it. Screw over your friends. Enjoy.

https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/150312/welcome-dungeon