Humans (who shouldn't be) In Equestria

Chapter 4: Meet the Other Characters

As the bipedal creature quickly evaded the residents shouting and even throwing things at it, a lone unicorn stood watching in fear, curiosity, and mostly confusion over everything that had just transpired in front of her. So many questions were rushing into her head at once it was hard to keep track of even one, making her thoughts completely disordered. Only about five minutes ago her day was going the way she planned it, she was keeping up to schedule with her work and was just walking to sugarcube corner to catch up with a friend and borrow a few ingredients. There was no possible way she could have expected this, even if it did happen at the workplace of the most logic-defying pony she knew-

“Twilight!”

“Huh?” Twilight Sparkle had snapped back to reality at the sound of her friend practically screaming in her ear. After shaking her head a little, the purple unicorn turned to the friend who helped bring her back into the world of the sane and said “Thanks Pinkie, I was kinda lost in my own thoughts for a moment there.”

“No problem! But did you see that?!” the peppy pink party planner quickly replied in her familiar high pitched squeal of a voice.

“Yes Pinkie, I know, that-“

“-was so cool!” Pinkie interrupted. “I mean did you see how fast that guy could go?! And the way he leaped like that way? Awesome! What was he anyways?”

“That’s the problem, we have no idea what that creature could be,” Twilight answered, obviously taking this much more seriously than her comrade. “Don’t you realize the situation that just unfolded? That thing just broke out of your shop carrying treats that it probably stole from and barreled through the alleys like it was nothing!”

“Well, at least he didn’t steal anything.”

“You weren’t listening to a word I was saying, were you?”

“Nope!”

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. “How about I just show you?”

One CSI-esque transition later

GASP

“Desserts have been stolen,

Money has been taken from the cash register,

And Mr. Cake fell asleep on the job! Again!

This is horrible!”

“Now do you see what this thing is capable of?”

Meanwhile Mr. Cake was still lying on the ground, apparently asleep now, occasionally saying a short sentence like “No mommy I don’t want to eat my vegetables.” And on a more relevant note, Pinkie had also just found a note written in pen and on paper from the very notepad on the counter, next to the raided cash register.

“Me? Moriartied? Sweetheart? Oh, that does it!” With that she ran like a burst of lightning (which is actually a pretty normal speed for her) towards the back door to leave and pursue the Moriartying thief. But, even though she was pretty much the embodiment of unexpectency, she didn’t expect Twilight to be right in the middle of her path. This lead to them colliding into each other and crashing through the back door, landing only feet away from a unicorn pony assisting, or trying to assist, her friend. The ponies in question were Rarity and Applejack.

“Are you two alright?” their generous  fashionista friend asked, now taking time to help them onto their hooves.

Once she was out from under Pinkie and had regained her balance, Twilight began to reply “Thank you Rarity, we were just-“ it was then she realized the state Applejack was in. “What happened to you?”

“You would not believe what I had to go through today!”

“Did it involve a bipedal creature who was fast on their feet and liked to steal?” Twilight questioned  in response.

Applejack stood still for a moment, surprised at her friends accurate description. “...Okay, maybe you will believe me.”

Just then, Pinkie Pie appeared from nowhere, like the others were more or less used to, and decided to add to the conversation as well. “That guy broke into my bakery, stole food and money, and left me this note!” She then produced the note that was left on the counter, holding it with her hoof by some bizarre means that I’m sure us humans would never understand.

“I found Applejack at the edge of her orchard,” Rarity began. “She was in the condition you see her in now, trying to tear down her own fence in rage.”

“That thing stole from my property! And as I chased ‘im back and forth through the fields he proved to be very dangerous and trickey, as well as smart-mouthed. The varmint only escaped from me not too long ago. If only that fence had not been in my way!”

“Hold on a second,” Twilight interrupted. “Pinkie, can I see that note?”

“Sure!” Pinkie brought the note back and Twilight used her magic to levitate it in front of her so she could read it.

As she was reading her concentration and deep thinking was shattered, the expression on her face turning into that of shock, and she let go of her magical connection to the page, letting it blow away in the breeze. “I can’t believe it...”

“What is it, darling?” Rarity asked, worried. “What’s wrong?”

“Rarity, do you recall Moriarty, the adversary of Shertrot Hooves?”

“Yes, of course I do, but why-”

“That note referred to him.” She began to pace. “Also, if he had escaped from Applejack not too long ago over at the edge of Sweet Apple Acres then he must have at least some knowledge about the area.”

“That doesn’t explain what he is, or why he’s here, and it especially doesn’t explain how he can get from one end of the town and out again so quickly without getting caught.” Applejack pointed out

Twilight thought long and hard for a moment, then spoke. “He can’t be from around here. Not Equestria, at least. He knows too little.”

“It seems to me like he knows a lot.” Pinkie interjected.

“That’s what troubles me,” Twilight responded. “He knows so much, and yet so little.”

“What’s going on, guys?” The four of them turned their heads in unison to see that the remaining members of their group Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had arrived. “Sounds to me like something’s wrong.”

Applejack was the first to respond. “It sure is, Dash. Some thing has been runnin’ around stealing things and causing everypony trouble!”

Fluttershy spoke up, “Did it look big and tall, and walk on two feet, and carry stuff?”

“Yes,” Twilight responded. “Wait. How do you know?”

“I saw it earlier. I was watching the clouds roll by when it came crashing out of the woods. It looked really scary, but kind of frightened itself. It was carrying a branch, and shouting at something. I ran inside, and it must have heard me, because it followed me to the door and...a-and...then it left.”

The group was silent for a moment or two. Then Twilight spoke up. “Well, we know it’s fast. We know it’s out there somewhere. And we know it’s a very experienced thief. Which means it’s probably going to try this stunt again. We need to find it, and make sure that nothing else is stolen, and more importantly, nopony else is hurt.”

“Really?” Dash replied. “No worries, I’ll run it down in an instant!”

Applejack rolled her eyes at Dash’s comment and how it radiated with cockyness. “Don’t get too hot-headed, sugarcube, he was able to outrun and outsmart me all at once. I’m sure he could give any one of us trouble if we ain’t careful. Plus if you go chargin’ in with that attitude you can consider yerself as good as done.”

“Yeah but you forget, my orange grounded friend, I’m much faster than you’ll ever be in the air, and.... well, I don’t want to say you’re stupid but-”

Rarity knew as well as anypony that if they continued this it would only lead to more injuries. “Girls, please, calm down.” Lightning forked through the sky, and distant thunder alerted the six ponies to dark clouds rolling across the sky, momentarily drawing their attention away from everything else. “It seems that here’s a storm rolling in.”

“Of course, the one day I get let off work early they decide to cause a huge storm,” Dash grumbled.

“We should find shelter, that storm don’t look too pretty from here.”

The usually chatty Pinkie finally piped up.  “We could stay at Sugarcube corner!”

“Pinkie, I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Twilight objected. “They still need to repair the damages and bake replacements for the treats that were stolen.”

“We could help them!” the pink pony beamed. It was already apparent this conversation was only going one way.

“Fine,” Twilight groaned, not just because she lost the argument but because, once again, Pinkie managed to get the best of her. How she kept managing to do this eluded Twilight, but-

Again lightning arced across the sky, piercing the ground through a tree only a couple yards away. The deafening thunder captured their attention again, reminding them of how fast the storm was rolling in.

“Well, if we’re going inside now would be the best time to do it.”

. . . . . . .

By the time night had fallen, the sky was split by periodic lightning, and rain turned the outdoors into a giant waterfall. Luckily, Brennan had stumbled into a cave; specifically, a den, judging by the animal bones (among other remains) scattered upon the floor. However, the cave’s owner was nowhere in sight. Which was good, because Brennan had holed up and was currently pigging out on his bounty. After all, he stole it fair and square; it was, at least now, rightfully his, and damn the people who try to pry it from his cold, dead fingers.

Brennan had countless candies and chocolates still in his bag, and had eaten most of the other sweets and all but one of the apples, which he kept in his pocket in case his bag was stolen during sleep (in case you hadn’t known yet, Brennan is somewhat paranoid). Brennan munched down another cupcake, and then let out a loud, wet belch.

“Well, that was the most fun I’ve had shoplifting... well, ever,” he said to nobody in particular. ‘Because really, what idiot would go out in this weather?’ He thought. Brennan thought for a moment, then rose from his spot and began to pace. ‘Because really, what idiot would go out in this weather?’ He thought. Brennan thought for a moment, then rose from his spot and began to pace.

“Alright, now that that’s done, down to business. I’ll need to form a strategy if I’m going to survive retaliation, and there WILL be retaliation or these people are less competent than I imagine. Let’s see, in order to emerge from the next ordeal alive, let alone unscathed, I’ll have to form an entirely different strategy for six possible encounters, possibly more. I may as well play it safe; in general, I have the advantage of agility and determination. All I need to do now is master that agility, and apply it to my every opportunity. Better to escape, to move as far away from them as possible, only returning to raid stores for food and supplies in the dead of night, for now at least. Next; in the words of the immortal chief; I need a weapon. And not something for mere mortals, like a branch or brick. No, I’m talking sword or spear or machine gun or something. If it’s enchanted or something, all the more power to me. If not, it’s safe to assume I’m just going to piss them off. Finally, I’ll need to know what I’m up against, besides the six horsewomen of the apocalypse, the ponies of the corn, they of the pastel sisterhood or whatever. There has to be a lot more than just horses here; I’ll have to face those at some point, no doubt.”

“Let’s see,” Brennan pondered, “There are six adversaries I have to worry about right know...”

“Whatever that....thing was, it’ll think twice before stealing from me again...”

“Applejack, bearer of the element of honesty,” Brennan said to himself. “This, of course, makes her a terrible liar, which I can also use to my advantage. She’s an athlete, to say the least, and very strong. I’d say the best way to escape her is to stick to a place on an elevation or slope; she can’t hit what she can’t reach.”

“A whole month’s worth of goodies, GONE! I’ll never catch up on that work! Ooh! Maybe when we capture this thing, we can throw a party to celebrate!”

“Pinkie Pie, or Pinkamena Diane Pie to be formal, element of laughter. She’s unpredictable and somewhat annoying, a nuisance at best and an executioner at worst, depending on her mood. I honestly don’t have much of a strategy for her, given her ability to all but destroy the concept of logic, but perhaps improvisation is the way to go.”

“What if this creature comes back? I think I’m going to faint...”

“Rarity.” Brennan spat out the name like a bad cupcake. “Element of generosity.  Jordan tells me that she’s not so bad, but she sounds like that popular, melodramatic, stuck up bitch that you seem to run into at every school. She can be arrogant, at times, and I can twist that into a knot and strangle her with it.”

“M-maybe it’s just....misunderstood. Yes. It was probably just hungry....um....we’re not....g-going after it....r-r-right?”

“Fluttershy, element of kindness. Under normal circumstances, she’s a pacifist, usually not inclined to violence. I can easily outrun her in a normal situation. But she can be dangerous, perhaps more so than the others, and to believe otherwise is to be a fool. This one’s gonna be tricky, I’m going to need to come up with a completely different strategy for her, but hopefully her nature will mean I just need to avoid her.”

“Alright, this is just a common thief. He’s no better or worse than what we’ve already faced. All we need is a plan, and we’re all set to catch him.”

“Twilight Sparkle, element of magic. Arguably the most powerful being of the six, possibly the most powerful being in this place, Twilight will be a real pain in my dick. I’ll need every ounce of my experience to deal with her, as she is the Holmes to my Moriarty.”

“Who cares? As soon as he sees me, he’ll know he’s doomed. There’s no way he can outrun the fastest flyer in Equestria!”

“Finally we come to her! Rainbow Fucking Dash, Element of Loyalty!” Brennan seemed to find dash the most tolerable, as they apparently held some things in common; an extreme determination, almost bordering on near insane competitiveness, a very fond love of speed and tricks, and a penchant for pranks. “All in all, a perfect rival for me! I’ll need to be smart rather than fast, however; speed is useless against her, as she’s pretty much made speed her bitch. Cleverness will need to be used to obtain victory; cleverness and brute force.”

Brennan had come up with a plan, crude and probably pointless, but a plan nonetheless—and he was stoked to put it to the test. But it had to wait. He hid himself behind a nearby rock, just in case whatever lived here returned while he was sleeping, curled up with his bag and branch, and fell asleep almost instantly. After all, he had a big day ahead of him.

. . . . . . .

As our protagonist Brennan journeyed to the Dreamworld Grounds, another future hero (or outlaw) was taking a late night stroll through the dark woods in another place, another time and, to be specific, another universe entirely.

His name is Jordan.

Yes, the same Jordan who didn’t bother to help his friend because he was busy on Tumblr.

What an ass.

Regardless, he was wandering the dense forest late at night for no explained reason. Maybe he wanted to get away from his extremely hateable family, maybe he wanted some time to think, maybe he wanted to see how long it took for him to get mugged, maybe he just liked dark woods, who knows, who cares. What matters now is that he was in the woods, alone with just his mp3 player, different pair of headphones because his pair from earlier broke because he is apparently the grim reaper of headphones, and the articles of clothing I told you all about in chapter 1.

He walked at a relatively slow pace, making sure to take in the sights nature had to offer and check his back every minute or so to see if anyone was planning to jab a knife into it. He was alone in the woods late at night, after all. He stopped for a moment and exhaled, creating a thin smoke like mist due to the cold temperatures, paused the song he was currently listening to, and looked into the night sky. There the full moon hung, its bright light only being obscured slightly by the high branches of the trees and a lonely cloud. Jordan stood there for a moment before letting out a “hm” and continuing on his walk.

After a few more minutes of walking and listening to music he came to a stop yet again as a thought entered his head, and he spoke aloud; “Wait, why am I even out here in the first place?”

Before he could remember an answer to that question, not that he actually would, he heard a faint noise that sounded... oddly familiar. From where this noise came from, which was conveniently right in front of him, a small glint appeared.

“Ah shit.” This he remembered.

Before the expected could happen Jordan quickly grabbed onto the closet thing he could find, which happened to be a tee. When the glint became a swirling vortex of loudness he held on for dear life. But the pull was too strong and started to pick him off his feet, making him hang in the air from the tree in an admittedly silly way, sort of like in cartoons.

After hanging for a few moments Jordan just said you know what, fuck it, and let go of the tree, letting him get sucked into the unknown while saying in a bad mimic of Red Fox’s voice “I’M COMING ELIZABETH!”

. . . . . . .

By this time, the six ponies who were spoke of by our troublemaking protagonist had finished cleaning up the mess that was left behind by their baking, and the author had been getting really bored writing this chapter. The six ponies each breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well,” Rarity spoke up, “I’m glad that’s over with.”

“Thanks guys,” Pinkie piped up before grabbing each of her friends and embracing them in a big hug... somehow. “You made cleaning go faster than I could have ever done and we made more than enough treats to make up for the stolen goodies!”

“No problem,” Dash managed to choke out, “but could you go a little easy on us? I think our throats are getting crushed."

“Oh, alrightly then.” With that the pink pony released her friends from her iron grip of affection, and her arms snapped back into their regular positions like really big rubber bands. The rest breathed a heavier sigh of relief that they didn’t just die from that death-hug.

As they were putting their aprons into the laundry hamper and putting away a few stray utensils Fluttershy was the first to take a glance through the window at the dark scenery outside. “I think it stopped raining.”

“Did it?” Soon all six mares were looking out the window. The storm had indeed passed and left behind was the calm night, illuminated by the light of Luna’s moon. It was calm, quiet, and peaceful, like nothing wrong had happened all day. For a moment, the threat of the strange creature they encountered was meaningless, replaced by the night’s beauty.

Twilight shattered the silence. “Well, we should get going now.”

Rainbow Dash shattered the calm. “The sooner the better.” The pegasus yawned and starting floating towards the door. “I can’t wait to fly home and take a nice, long nap.”

“That’s not quite what I meant.”

She stopped and let herself drop to the floor. “Say what?”

“Whatever that thing is, it’s still out there. And if it knows we’re vulnerable, then it’ll probably try this stunt again-or worse. We need to go after it.”

“But do we have to go out where it’s dark?”

“And cold?”

“And eerie?”

“Yes, we do.”

“This is the worst plan I’ve ever heard.” Rainbow replied, harshly.

“Well it’s the best I’ve got! Now come on, we need to get moving if we want to make it back in time to actually get some decent amount of sleep.”

The others were hesitant, looking back and forth at Twilight and each other trying to decide what to do. In the end they silently came to the same decision and followed Twilight outside, but dragging their hooves as they did so.

. . . . . . .

Jordan awoke, more or less, and began to notice something wasn’t right. Once he finally gained full control over himself he found out what it was; he was laying face-down on the ground. Eventually he slowly began to push himself off the ground and wipe as much of the dirt he could off of him. When he was done all of that in whatever amount of time it took, he got a better look at his surroundings.

...More or less.

Like before he was sent through the portal it was dark out, he was alone in a forest, and the only light was coming from the moon, but his eyes weren’t adjusted to the darkness yet, which made it much harder to see. He thought it might have been because he was unconscious for a while, or maybe it was from still lingering effects from the portal. It didn’t matter either way, because despite how well he could see it or not there was one thing that caught his attention almost instantly.

He was in a cartoon.

Using the light from his mp3 player, which was surprisingly in the same condition he left it, he could see he fit the cartoon animation as well. This meant that he wouldn’t look out of place like the guy, whose name he forgot, in the “Toon-Town” scene from Who Framed Rodger Rabbit. Unfortunately for him though, even with the light of his mp3 to help him see better, he couldn’t tell what show he was from. It looked very familiar, but he couldn’t tell exactly. In fact when he looked up at the moon he still couldn’t tell, but it was very close and the answer, or lack of, was repetitively poking him at the back of his brain.

“Ah well, I’ll find out eventually,” he finally said, and went back to what he was doing before all of this bullcrap; walking through the woods with no specific direction or destination in mind.

“I need music.” He turned his crappy flashlight to face him turning it back into a music player as it was designed to be. “I should listen to something fitting for this scenery, calm, ambient maybe.” With this he clicked the center button, activating the selected Shuffle All thingey and-

Glaze and The Living Tombstone – Love Me Cheerilee

“. . .”

“Fuck it, why not?”

And then Jordan continued walking through the forest where nothing at all interesting happened for most of the while except for maybe a few times where he was being clumsy and that’s pretty much it.

I’m getting bored writing this, okay?

After a long time of walking and countless songs (okay around eight or nine but he didn’t want to keep track) he spotted something on the ground in front of him. Thankful for the excuse to stop walking he bent down and picked up the note. Even late at night he recognized the hand-writing instantly. “Brennan. Of course.” Normally he wouldn’t care much about the note, heck he would even be grateful that he wound up in the same universe as him, but the contents of the note told him that he had been up to something.

You’ve been Moriartied, Sweetheart!

“Great,” he mumbled, “I leave him for a few hours and he’s already doing shit. I swear...”

His possible remark was cut short when he heard a sound, there was something rustling in the bushes around him.

“Huh?” He stood up and looked around him for the source of the sound. “Who’s there?”

The response was more rustling.

“I know a lot! I know of fictional... things from the Internet and mythology from my friend, so... so I should know what you are! ...or something.”

When he caught up with the sound and where it was coming from it was too late for a sneak attack, or whatever Jordan could do, for it began to rise from the bushes. It’s familiar body was revealed as it left its cover, but Jordan knew it didn’t need to hide. He quickly shielded his eyes so he wouldn’t have to suffer the fate of turning into a statue.

“Cockatrice!”

Knowing well what this thing was capable of Jordan took no time to shove the note and his music player in his pockets and bolted the opposite direction. He ran far and he ran fast, constantly jumping over obstacles and looking back to see if it was still following him, and how close it was to jumping on his back. Ironically this is what lead to even more trouble. As he was looking behind him he didn’t see him chasing him, but this meant he also couldn’t see the log in front of him. As expected this lead to him tripping and falling flat on his face. ‘Again I find myself face-first on the dark, damp ground, with no idea where I am.’

Like earlier he found himself picking himself off the ground and picking the dirt off his face and body. Fortunately for him this time it didn’t take nearly as long for him to get up and brush off the dirt. Oh, and he could see a lot better now. This made it much easier for him to see and recognize the six figures in front of him.

There was an awkward silence between the seven of them, but it was broken by Jordan’s obviously superb linguistic and social skills.

“...’Sup?”