F***ing Pegasi

”Fucking pegasi.” Nutmeg dabbed her eyes with a hoof. ”You're making me cry.”

Star Storm set the last crate on the floor and leaned against it, panting, while the foals munched on cloud radishes from the first crate. ”Just doing my part, ma'am. We in the volunteer corps are trying to make up for years of neglect. I hope it helps.”

———

”Fucking pegasi?” Stabby walked to the door, sticking his head outside and spying the aid station they'd established down the way. ”No shit.”

———

”Fucking pegasi?” Stocks stabbed the meat, lifting it high in a toast and smiling at the other raiders. ”More like forking pegasi.”

———

”Fucking pegasi.” Nightfall watched them disappear behind the clouds, then turned to the smoldering remains of his home.

———

”Fucking pegasi!” Rocking back and forth, Galen's tears fell freely on the small, cold corpse.

———

”Fucking pegasi.” Beetroot looked up at the pair, wiping the sticky substance from her mane.

———

“Fucking pegasi. On the right.” Pinkie Pie’s voice played through the earbud connected to my pipbuck. I’d found them while scavenging. Rather, they found me, the gift box exploding as I entered the room. It was just Auntie Pinkie being Pinkie.

She called herself Auntie, claiming a relation through my distant ancestor Marble Pie. Pinkie now guided me from the past. I crept past the pegasi and continued down the hallway.

“The door is on the right. Good luck.”

“Thanks, Pinkie.” I opened the door, finding needles on the floor and, on a cot in the corner, my sister.

———

”Fucking pegasi.” Saber tromped to the door, furious tears soaking her cheeks. Pausing, she turned to face them. Her voice gravel as she choked back sobs. ”They were dying,” she said, pointing a hoof at nothing in particular, ”and I was fucking pegasi.” She swung her hoof dismissively and stormed out, slamming the door.

Fisher looked at Blackflower, catching her gaze. ”I'll go after her.”

———

Fucking pegasi filled the nightclub, writhing and twerking to the music as the strobes showed brief glimpses of the unending carnal party as celebrants streamed in and out throughout the day with nary a care for the suffering of the wasteland below until the wasteland came to them.

I was there when the first shots ended the life of my lover as his chest exploded, showering me with blood while the party continued around me. Continued until the next volley killed the speakers, and the screams of the victims drowned the sounds of passion.

———

”Fucking pegasi do what with their wings?”

”Oh my gosh, Cut Throat, stop eavesdropping. We're having a private conversation here.”

”Then maybe don't sit by the fire with everypony and speak loudly enough for even the slaves to hear?” He gestured at the huddled mass in the distance.

”No! It's cold enough to freeze my nipples off. Now mind your business and shut your face”—she drew a knife—”or I'll shut it for you.”

With a flash of light, she turned to a pile of ash. Cut Throat glanced to the sky. ”Shit. It's—”

———

”Fucking pegasi.” Extended all the way, the pole didn’t reach. He stood on his tippy-hooves before tossing the pole and falling to his rump.

It missed, falling with a clatter to the road below.

“Whatcha doin, Hoss?”

“Like you don’t know.” He retrieved the pole and tossed it, missing again.

“How’d your hat get up there?”

Hoss turned, glaring.

“Well.” Jay stretched his wings. “I gotta run some supplies to Junction. Good luck getting your hat down.”

———

”Fucking pegasi! That's who!” Rain Volley flared his wings. ”So have fun crawling in the irradiated mud. We'll be busy maintaining civilization.” With leap and a flap, he caught the wind.

Moonstaff rolled her eyes. ”Fucking pegasi.”

———

”Fucking pegasi!” Dark Moon's plans had crumbled around him. ”They've shattered my armies and torn down my walls, but I'll have my revenge.” He closed his eyes, inhaling. Green flames flickered from their edges and stained the whites when he opened them. ”Rise, mighty dragon. Rise!” A green bolt shot from his horn, striking the behemoth with coruscating green flames.

The giant dragon's eye opened. The eyeball was gone, its fluids staining the dragon's face. A green glow shone from the empty socket.

”Abrabax, we ride to victory, or to death!”

———

”Fucking pegasi.” Shadowfox shoved Twister against the wall. ”You almost got us killed.” Inches separated their faces.

Missile Swarm put a hoof on Shadowfox's shoulder. ”Calm down. We made it out.”

He shrugged off the hoof, but backed away. ”We're done.'' He pointed at them in turn. ”After we collect our caps, I don't want to see you two again.”

———

”Fucking pegasi.”

”Uh, darlin. Not sure if you noticed this, but uh. You're a pegasus.”

September Rain glared at him.

”Right. I'll just be over here cleaning my gun if you need me.”

———

”Fucking pegasi.” Geirmund stared into his beer.

“I don’t disagree, but how’s that relevant to my stable?”

Geirmund sighed. “Your story about the Steel Rangers reminded me of home.”

Verbena took a draft, then looked up at Geirmund. “Oh?”

Geirmund downed half the contents of his stein and set it back on the table. He looked Verbena in the remaining eye. “I was twelve when they came. They took everything. Our mountain. My home.” He took another draft. “My parents.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He pointed a talon. “We’ll reclaim our home eventually. I’ll finally visit their graves.”

———

”Fucking pegasi are the best. We fly, walk on clouds, make it rain, and shoot lightning.”

”Unicorns can do all that and more. Telekinesis, teleportation, clairvoyance. I could go on.”

”Yeah, but it's not like you can do all those things. When was the last time you self-levitated? Never. All you can do is telekinesis and cold.”

”As a species, unicorns are more versatile.”

Gerald cocked the guns he had pointed at the backs of their heads. ”Don't forget claws.”

”Griffons are the best.”

”Yep. I agree.”

———

”Fucking pegasi took our homeland, and it's time to take it back! Who's with me?!” Gina pumped her fist in the air and looked expectantly at the crowd. She frowned. ”I said, who's with me!?”

A claw shot up.

”You should follow Gandalf's lead, you cowards.”

”Um, actually,” said Gandalf, ”I just had some questions.”

”Uh, sure. Ask away.”

”What's in it for us?”

”Well—”

”Yeah, what do we get?”

”Our homeland, and pride.”

”Pride don't pay bills!”

”Uh…”

”What about contracts? Are you purchasing them from our current employers?”

”No?”

Amidst grumbles, the crowd turned to leave.

———

”Fucking pegasi.” Chai stared at the cloud cover expanding from the needle-like towers. “They’re just going to abandon us?”

“Ignore it. We have more-pressing concerns. Cover me while I try to flank them.”

Chai looked back to his friend. “Right.” He kicked, chambering a round. “For Luna.”

“For Equestria.” Creamer darted out of cover as Chai aimed at the zebra hidden in the rubble.

———

”Fucking pegasi.” The upended sky-tank pinned Brightly Burning to the rubble. He wrapped it with magic and lifted, but it didn’t budge.

A uniformed pegasus opened the side hatch—currently pointed to the sky—and climbed out. “Damn it. There goes my chance of a promotion this year.”

“Help me.”

The pegasus glanced over the edge of the tank, spotting Brightly. “Hey, are you alright?”

“What do you think?”

A flash from a raptor’s main gun filled the sky. The pegasus glanced up at the battle. “I’d love to stay and help, but—the battle.” He took to the sky.

Brightly wept.

———

”Fucking pegasi!” yelled Ansible from the other room. ”The fucking pegasi are here!”

I knelt to peer skywards from between the boards that covered my window, but a ghoul slammed against them, sending me to my ass. A board shook lose on one side, and his hoof reached through to me. I scrambled back and lifted my gun. Before I could fire, the ghoul turned to dust with a flash of light, and I saw them now through the larger gap. Angels in black, come to save us.