NONE OF IT MATTERS

Hajime calmly and precisely stuck the needle into one of her veins. She injected the orange sunshine into her bloodstream. She had just gotten back from a long day of fighting those Rubix Cube looking aliens. At this point, she needed aid from narcotics to even consider relaxing. Outside her house (which, with its picket fence and bright colour scheme, mimicked the stereotype of suburban houses held by those who either have never been to those places or have become dangerously acquainted with them) was a treehouse made of wood with a rusted fridge door acting as the front door and a metal drum as a chimney.

“Yo, wassup crackers!” said Sugane as he burst through the door “I invested one yen into bitcoin and then 30 seconds later, I was a trillionaire! All our children will be set for life! Trust funds, fuck yeah!”

“Well, dang.” said Hajime “If that’s the case then there’s no need to fight those stupid aliens anymore! Fuck humanity, get money!”

“Well said, homeslice,” said Sugane.

Hajime then noticed a purple dragon running through her garden. She went to chase after it but Sugane stopped her and said “By the way, is that treehouse modelled after the one from that dope-ass film The Book of Henry ?”

To which Hajime replied “Yes. Truly Colin Trevorrow is one of the more underrated directors of the 21st century,”

After that, she ran out and jumped after the purple dragon. The dragon disappeared down a pothole which was allowed to continue existing through the council’s neglect and Hajime jumped down after him.

Hajime woke up next to a white pony with purple hair.

“Oh, shit! How come I never saw this shit before?” she exclaimed with glee.

“Shut up,” said the pony “we brought you here so you would help us take land back from the CoUS. I don’t know why Celestia thought a dimwitted stoner would be a good general but my country right or wrong and all that,”

“What the fuck is the CoUS?” asked Hajime.

“It’s a political party that gained power through non-democratic means that believes that unicorns are superior to all other races. Naturally, this is used to justify turning these other races into slaves,” explained the white pony.

“What am I supposed to do?” asked Hajime, panic and confusion overcoming her as she begins to realise this may not be a hallucination.

“Turn into your robot thing and kill all the members you see on the battlefield,” said the pony bluntly.

Hajime giggled nervously.

“Well, you see, I’m more used to the whole love and friendship approach,” she said.

She was promptly strapped to an operating table. The pony then proceeded to break her right arm. Blood pooled onto the floor. Hajime wept.

“If you think about it, the beliefs of the CoUS are pretty logical. Unicorns can do just as much heavy lifting as earth ponies and pick themselves up using telekinesis which is functionally the same as flying. We possess all of the strengths and none of the weaknesses. We’re just not allowed to admit that due to political correctness. It’s the methods I disagree with,” said Twilight to Rarity as they moved down the hallway at a light canter.

“And what would you rather have?” said Rarity with disgust.

“More unicorn representation in all jobs,” said Twilight.

Rarity snorted.

Hajime was in front of an entire battalion of ex-equestrian soldiers. Some of them were barely old enough to be considered stallions. She entered Gatchaman form and laid waste to the CoUS forces. Then she got hit by a heat-seeking missile fired by one of the stragglers. This blew her back and rallied the men to eliminate those standing. Yogi bear then dragged Hajime’s unconscious body into the woods.

TO BE CONTINUED...