Saffron Ree

I'd never had so many tabs open in my life. I was on twelve different sites for parts, and two different system builder sites. But, I was almost done. I just had to decide between which was the best brand of video card, which should be simple, but I almost couldn't bear to make the choice.

Candy - Today at 10:24
still cant believe ur going

IronBlade - Today at 10:25
your still not over it?/

Candy - Today at 10:26
No!!!1 u ass! Im stuck in skool and u get to stay at home for national secruity

IronBlade - Today at 10:27
I wasnt going 2 turn down MURICA

IronBlade - Today at 10:27
sides, i get a new rig out of it

Candy - Today at 10:29
Ur really doin this for a comp?

IronBlade - Today at 10:33
yeah

IronBlade - Today at 10:33
takin a hit to my man card for a rig
gonna be the best tho

Candy - Today at 10:36
Biggest??

IronBlade - Today at 10:37
u no it

Candy - Today at 10:38
Im comin over 2nite
gotta give my hero a farewell kiss

I knew what Candy meant by kiss. While I flicked between the tabs for the two graphics cards I was thinking about, I also thought about her.

IronBlade - Today at 10:42
can I kiss you back

Our relationship had only moved from lifelong-friends to horny-teen-friends-with-benifits two weeks ago—which was the afternoon when I'd found out I was going to my sister's dream. Two weeks it'd taken me to design my ultimate monster PC—two weeks riddled with times when Candy would "kiss" me. She'd never let me return the favor.

Candy - Today at 10:47
mmmm
k

IronBlade - Today at 10:48
really?

Candy - Today at 10:48
long as u dont bite
and do wat i say

IronBlade - Today at 10:48
yes amma
*maam

Candy - Today at 10:49
❤ ❤

IronBlade - Today at 10:50
c u then

Candy - Today at 10:51
xxx

I leaned back from the computer and thought about what Candy'd just said. Tonight was going to be fun, but first I had to make this choice. Finally, I just gave up and picked the more expensive option. Saving the parts list on the website, I made sure to include the extra bits to make my perfect rig—cables, ties, everything.

The final touch was easy enough. "Share with…" I typed in the email address Jeff had given me, and hit send. I had the afternoon ahead of me, and being a man in the prime of my life, I had just one option. My hand reached out to the box on the desk and grabbed a rubber from it.

Three knocks came on my door, which earned a quiet curse. "Fuck it, Dad." Lifting my voice, I tossed the condom back in the box and leaned back in my chair. "Come in, Dad!"

Gavin was always complaining about his parents. They didn't knock, they just walked in. When I'd told him how my dad and mom would knock and wait, he'd called me a lucky bitch. Yeah, right. Lucky. Right when I wanted to get off.

The door opened and my dad leaned in. "Saffron, we just got word that the,"—I could see Dad's face try to keep even—"magic portal transmogrifier is working. They are testing mice at the moment, but we are probably going to have to move within a week."

It was big news. This was the beginning of the end. Well, I wasn't going unless they got me my damn rig. I let out a sigh. "So that's it? If the mice don't explode, they send someone over. If the person doesn't explode, they send us?"

I noticed Dad's eyes flick to the screen where my chat was still up. A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. "Yeah, Saf. We move when Mom says it's safe to." He nodded toward the screen. "Use a condom."

"I know, Dad," I said.

"Even just getting a blowjob."

"I know, Dad!"

"Do you want a dental dam?"

"I know, D—" I froze. "A what?" Too late I realized I'd asked for a birds-and-bees talk.

But Dad just smiled. All my life he'd been completely open about questions like this. It was fucking horrible! "Just a little rubber sheet to cover her while you go down. Keeps everything in your mouth from infecting her, and keeps everything in her—"

"I get it!" I said. I waited for him to leave or say something, but he just stood in the doorway with a raised eyebrow. "Alright! Get me a damn dam."

Dad left without another word.

I sat there on my chair and realized, not for the first time, that my dad was pretty cool about everything. At least I didn't need to worry about all that crap with stiff socks and stained sheets.

When he came back, Dad just tossed a pack that looked like big sheets of medical adhesive. "Just stretch it out over her, and do what you want. I'm sure she'll have tips."

I won't rise to it. I won't rise to it. I won't—

Dad pulled the door shut with no more comment.

"Now I'm not in the mood," I said, but my eyes drifted to the screen and the promise Candy'd made. "Well, maybe I am…"

Clair Ree

It had been a long day. Jeff's secretary had spent half the afternoon emailing me about how expensive Saffron's computer would be, then she'd nearly blown her top when Jeff'd told her we needed two of everything.

Add a press conference about the success of the spell (don't even go there, we already have enough letters piling up from religious groups either condemning or claiming responsibility for the ponies), then we had to organize the team of scientists who would be doing initial experiments with the—and I can't believe we let the press name it—transmogrifying portal.

Therefore, it was an utter relief to be home and sitting at the dinner table with a plastic plate and pizza.

"All the kitchen things got packed today," Philip said. "I'm sorry, Clair."

"It's all right, Philip. We knew this was coming, though it was a nice rut to be in." I picked up a slice of the pizza and nibbled at the end. At least it was a good pizza. "They're doing four rounds of mouse tests tomorrow. Twilight's people—ponies—are going to be charging the portal back up manually. Hopefully we get transmogrification and not discombobulation." Okay. I'll give whoever named those things credit, they were fun to say together like that.

Philip sat down beside me with his own slice of pizza. "And then?"

"Then we're sending a soldier. We only wanted volunteers, and we got a lot. Our advisers pointed us to one, he's—You're going to see all this on the news." I bit off a little more pizza, and we sat quietly for a few moments. "Jeff's approval is high enough after this that the next election is in the bag. Hardly a surprise."

"If it all goes according to plan? Your office said under a week."

"Six days at the most. They're going to recharge the portal for the first human test, but we need to wait the four days after that. Twilight doesn't want to risk a partial charge with so many of us on the platform." More pizza, more chewing. I was barely even tasting the food. "We raised our kids in this house."

Philip's strong arm was around me before my tears even had a chance to come. Everything had been planned. Even sale of the house was organized down to the letter. Despite all this expert choreography of events, I wasn't ready to leave.

I dropped my pizza and turned to Philip fully. His other arm pulled me closer and I hung onto him like a safety blanket. "The things I do for our country."

"You're not going to do it alone, Clair Ree. Never alone." Philip was a rock for me, but more, he was someone who'd matched his life to mine and always been there.

That was, of course, the best time for the front doorbell to ring. Despite my condition, I stood up to answer it.

Philip stood too. "I'll get it."

"No. If it's press I want the honor of telling them to,"—I quickly looked around for either of our children—"fuck off." I'd held off the waterworks, so my makeup wasn't smudged—or I would have had Philip answer the door regardless of who I got to tell to take a hike.

A quick look at the CCTV screen beside the door reassured me. "It's Candace!" I opened the door. "Hiya Candace. Come on in." Saffron's childhood friend was a regular—and had been more regular lately—of our house.

"Thanks Missus Ree. Saf's home?" It wasn't so much a question as a statement of intent.

I gestured to the kitchen table rather than the stairs. "Why don't we have a chat, Candace?" Turning my back meant I didn't get to see whatever expression hit Candace's face, but I heard her footsteps follow mine back into the dining room.

"S-Sure. Uh. What about?" Candace asked as she took a seat.

"You heard we're moving?" I asked and circled the table to sit beside Philip. "It's going to be for a while."

Candace looked like a field mouse staring at a pair of raptors. "Wait, we're not—"

"You aren't in a relationship?" Philip asked, following my lead.

When Candace shook her head, I breathed a sigh of relief. "Then go and have some fun. We just wanted to make sure this wouldn't lead to any heartbreak."

Blushing up a storm, Candace shook her head. "We're not—"

"Of course you're not," Philip said. "Go on up. Saffron's waiting."

If our Olympic team used this method for leaving the starting blocks, we'd win a lot more gold medals. As it was, Candace rushed for the stairs and was gone before either Philip or I could share a giggle. Though, we did—giggle that is. I plucked up my half-finished pizza slice and nibbled a bit more at it. "Oh to be that age again."

"No thanks. A little later than that, sure. We didn't meet until college, and I don't want to spend a moment without you," Philip said.

Philip's words earned him a cheese-and-tomato kiss on the cheek. "How's Riley doing?"

"With the news now out, she has been getting about ten texts an hour from different friends. She shot right to most-popular-girl-in-school and beyond. We'll need to get her settled in a new school quickly to adjust." Philip took his own bite of pizza and aimed a kiss at my cheek. When I turned my head quickly to take it on the lips he laughed into the touch. "Cheat."

"Diplomacy," I said. "The art of getting what you want." It was a misquote, but I didn't care.

We sat through the fourth round of footage. It was just like the previous three, but this time the cage was full of rats. The camera showed the whole test platform set on the teleport circle, then Princess Twilight's horn glowed in the background, and purple light filled the screen.

When the light faded, there were four rats still in the test cage, but now they looked—well—a little cartoony. Twilight herself had been easy to accept because there was just one of her, and after a day here she looked decidedly less cartoony than she had, but these rats were pristine, and when one crawled up to the camera-side of the cage, we got to see its fuzzy face and red eyes up close.

There was another flash of purple and the rats were just rats again. Then the video changed to the autopsy, and paused.

"As you can see, the test is a success," Princess Twilight Sparkle said. "We are ready to move on to the next test."

Everyone in the room—Twilight included—looked to Captain Frank Hollings. His rank had been reinstated for the duration of this mission, which meant he was in the uniform of a United States Navy officer.

Frank—he'd demanded I call him that the moment he'd found out I was the primary candidate for the role of Ambassador to Equestria—had a few years on me at 59, and was an ex-navy seal. To look at him, it was easy to tell he hadn't stopped his training when he retired. He was, without doubt, the best candidate we had for this.

"That's my cue, ma'am?" Frank asked.

Twilight nodded. "We're ready when you are. Your people have some equipment for you to take with you."

Frank didn't hold back his chuckle at the obvious understatement. "With respect, ma'am, I've seen what they want me to take. Estimated time until deployment?" As he asked, Frank's eyes twitched toward Jeff's.

"We have your mission as go on the hour, Captain," Jeff said.

"Thank you, Mister President. With your permission?"

"Dismissed, soldier," Jeff got and gave a firm salute.

With Frank out of the room, I turned my attention to Twilight. "It's working perfectly, then?"

Twilight's face pulled into a wider smile at my question. She nodded. "Clair, I wouldn't think of sending Mister Hollings unless I thought it was. I checked all the spells and calculations myself—the portal's transmogrification function works perfectly."

There was just something about Twilight that made me trust her. She was a magic, flying unicorn, and if you couldn't trust a magic, flying unicorn when it came to all things magical, then who could you trust?

My musings were interrupted by Caroline Rogers (Jeff's secretary). She burst into the room with a sheaf of papers in her hand. "Sir!"

Jeff had trained himself to know all the various levels of outrage Caroline could achieve—as had I—and he turned slowly to his secretary (this was a 3 out of 10). "What is it, Caroline?"

"This request is outrageous! Ms Ree's son sent these requirements, and it's going to cost eighteen-thousand-dollars!" Caroline Rogers said.

Lifting his thumb and forefinger to pinch the bridge of his nose, Jeff sighed. "Caroline, I will not break a promise. If we come out of this at nine-thousand a piece for Clair's children, so be—"

"That's each," Caroline Rogers said. "Thirty-six-thousand-dollars in total."

I snorted. I couldn't help it. Caroline was oh-so-careful about pronouncing the total—and I'll be honest, it was a ridiculous amount—but it was a tiny fraction of the not-bribes that happened every day to grease political wheels.

"I approved of this, Caroline. When I approve something, because of a promise I'd made to a young man who is stepping up to bat for America, I do not expect it to be questioned a second time." Jeff Miller, you honest bastard, I could almost kiss you for that. "That's not how I got elected, and it's not how I intend to be remembered."

It was speech-worthy. Caroline knew it just as I knew it. She looked to me imploringly, but I was not going to gainsay my boss.

"Alright sir." Caroline retreated from the room.

The moment the door was closed, Jeff let out a guffaw of laughter. "Eighteen grand? I'm happy to see your son taking after his mother and putting the screws on the president of the United States, but that is impressive."

"For that much, he won't be complaining about this move anymore." I checked over my notes, then checked the time. "If you'll excuse me, Jeff, I'd like to watch this one myself."

"Well, there's not much to see until they get back. We've tried a lot of things, but so far we haven't been able to establish any form of communication between realities. The other human world was a lot closer—transdimentionally speaking—than this Earth, but we haven't managed to send anything to there that wasn't through the mirrors," Twilight Sparkle said. "And even with those, unless something is a powerful magic artifact, it just can't make the trip. Seeing your equipment in Equestria is very exciting."

It wasn't so much a slip as a whole marina. My eyes twitched toward Jeff's, and he gave the slightest of nods back. "Well, I'm glad our world can be a little more of a trade partner in that respect."

"I look forward to seeing what you can offer us in return. Part of Clair's position will be the resolving of trade between our two nations, and securing friendship to last long into the future." Jeff Miller, everyone. Not only does he have a silver tongue when talking to any American, but the moment he sprung that last line, Twilight's eyes practically lit up. (Actually, they might have literally lit up. I wasn't paying enough attention to see if any magic was involved.)

I stood up, to stop Jeff from talking Twilight out of her tiara with promises of friendship, if nothing else, and made my way for the door. "I'll see you there, Twilight?"

"Oh! Right! I should go and prepare the portal for the next rushed teleport." Twilight stood up and walked with me to the door.

I turned back at the doorway, and stuck my tongue out at Jeff. He replied in kind with a huge smile. Confirmation that we were their first technologically advanced trade partner was literally the best possible thing we could have hoped for. "How long until we all go?"

"If Captain Hollings has a successful trip? I want the power crystals to charge fully, which will take four days here, then you and your family can go," Twilight Sparkle said.

"That's changed. The order of operations has left us with a security detail going with us. Four soldiers, then another four with each of the two staff teleports," I said. "Then we'll start moving gear."

"Oh. Definitely four days then. If we're sending eight people over, I want as much power in those crystals as they can get, and I'll use my own magic as a booster. That means at least four days between each of those following teleports." Juggling numbers and logistics just seemed to come to Twilight. "And I should probably warn you—"

"Warn me?" Ice hit my veins.

"About one of my friends back home. She's going to be pretty full-on wanting to throw you a party. Normally we'd let everyone experience Pinkie Pie for themselves, without warning, but I've seen the weapons your soldiers use—I am therefore warning you: the moment you enter Equestria a pink pony is going to rush up to you, then she'll have the biggest freak-out of all time, and leave. That's your party invitation," Twilight Sparkle said.

I wasn't surprised that Twilight was leading the way down the hallway. She knew the way to the annexed room where the teleport portal was located sufficiently well that I wasn't even completely sure of the last turn.

The portal room was a loading bay, and the portal itself was a large piece of slate around fifteen feet on a side. In the middle of it, a circle was inscribed. The whole thing was sitting on a foam padding directly on the concrete floor of the loading bay, and to one side was the strange stuff. Yup, the huge teleportation circle in the middle of the room might be the main attraction, but the banks of power crystals were what our scientists were most interested in.

Four huge chunks of crystal, supported by—nothing. The crystals hovered four inches from the base plates Twilight had put down. When they were active, there was a great show of lightning dancing between them—only it wasn't lighting. There's a lot of magic involved with how they work, which is why anyone who tries to explain them simply runs out of useful words—we just don't have them yet.

Right now, the big crystals were buzzing with energy, and I could tell (because I'd actually read the memos, and could see the color pattern in the crystals) they were almost twenty-percent full. I stood with the armed soldiers at the doorway into the room, and just to their side. "Can you believe this stuff?" I was probing. The soldiers at attention in the room were part of the team that would be our permanent defense force in Equestria.

"Ma'am. We believe what we're told to believe. But if you're asking directly, I would say yes, I definitely am told to believe," one burly soldier with C.Hendricks on his fatigues said.

I didn't need to ask the other steely-eyed soldier, P.Clark by his badge, the same question.

"You two are coming in the first group?" I asked, and got two nods. "I know the president has already thanked you, but as a mother, I want to repeat that. Thank you for keeping us safe."

"Permission to speak freely, Ma'am?" Clark asked.

I just nodded.

"Ma'am, this is our duty not only to America as a whole, but to you specifically. Where you go, we go. If you want to get out of or into somewhere, and you think a hail of bullets is the answer, that's your decision. I've heard that diplomacy is saying 'good dog' and holding a big stick behind your back? Fuck that, if you'll beg my pardon. Hold us in front."

The swearing was a bit of a shock, but I had given him permission. "I appreciate it. Can you pass on to your commander that I want a full report on all the soldiers who will be going, along with a time to meet all of you?"

"Ma'am!" Clark and Hendricks said together, and stomped a foot each.

I won't lie. Part of me wanted to ogle the buff, young soldiers, but that part was getting older and quieter each year. I turned around and watched as Twilight used actual magic to adjust the portal.

It wasn't like the psychic's hotline, or palm reading, or even shamanism. Twilight Sparkle's horn glowed purple, and little glowy bits of purple appeared here and there on the pad as she adjusted things I couldn't even see.

Walking up beside her, I stood and waited for her to be done. I didn't hold my voice because I knew distracting her at the wrong moment could cause a catastrophe, I bit back my words precisely because I didn't know. When the most powerful being on Earth nodded her head with a little satisfied grunt, and her horn stopped glowing, I figured it was fine to talk again. "Everything's alright?"

"I was just tuning some efficiency coefficients. Adjustments for larger cargo, as well as ensuring that the transmit from here is certainly bound to the destination pad that has the transmogrifier attached. I just made——" Princess Twilight Sparkle started describing things, aspects of magic and physics that I didn't understand.

After almost a minute of this, I lifted a hand placatingly. "Please, Twilight, I won't belittle you by asking you to explain all of that. I understand it's complicated, and very technical, but I just wanted a summary."

"Oh! Sorry. I guess I'm too used to having Starlight Glimmer around. The portal is working fine, and I made some tweaks to reduce energy usage." Twilight Sparkle managed to get a blush going among the soft fur of her ears. It was good to know some pony facial expressions considering I'd be spending a lot of time among them for the foreseeable future.

"Do we have any idea on what humans will look like in Equestria?" They were the same questions as asked before, but now I hoped there might be more of an answer.

"Mice became Equestrian mice, so if we're really lucky, humans might just become an overly colorful human. But we won't know for sure until Captain Hollings comes back," Twilight Sparkle said.

"My ears are burning." Captain Frank Hollings walked out of a side door. He was wearing his fatigues, and had a huge backpack on. There were wires coming from the pack to various points on his body, as well as a group of cameras both looking in toward him and out to the room around.

Behind me, Hendricks and Clark could be heard snapping to attention, and Clarks' voice rang out, "Officer on deck!"

"Ease back a bit, soldiers. This is just a routine scouting mission," Frank Hollings said.

I'd done enough research on our various armed forces to know that with Frank being navy, and the other two being marines, there was a bond of brotherhood, but no actual command structure between them. Hendricks and Clark were just showing respect, and Frank Hollings was being careful about not stomping on them.

I didn't understand all the macho posturing that some parts of the military upheld, or even some of their stranger traditions, but respect was important. I waited for Frank.

"Princess Twilight Sparkle, ma'am, are you ready to send me where no man has been before?" Frank Hollings said, flashing a white smile.

"Ready as ever. Please stand in the middle of the circle, and try not freak out if anything odd happens. This will work perfectly." The sheer confidence in Twilight Sparkle's demeanor was astounding. I'd worked with my fair share of scientists over the weeks since first contact had been made, and none of them would stand behind their findings as firmly as she just had.

Walking to the slate, Frank stepped up onto it and approached the circle. "Standing on these lines won't cause a problem?"

"No, Captain," Twilight Sparkle said.

Frank nodded to Twilight. "The brass said I need to keep up a monologue of everything I feel, so I guess now is as good a time as any to start. I can feel a slight tingling as I walk into the circle, like there is a curtain made of air—or one of those machines at supermarkets that blow air in a wall at the door. Now I'm past it and in the middle of the circle, and I can't feel it anymore.

"Princess Twilight Sparkle is looking at me like I'm crazy, but that's okay. Two shrinks told me I'm still sane, but I think anyone doing this must be a bit crazy. Her horn is starting to glow, and—"

Frank Hollings, Captain of the United States Navy and decorated former member of the navy seals, vanished.

The big crystals to the side were hovering much lower, barely an inch from the floor under them, and they crackled a lot less. My heart began to race as I counted the time. The mission was meant to take just thirty seconds.

I watched the big clock on the wall, the digital reading passing the thirty second mark after what felt like a year. There was no flash. Each second that ticked by felt like an eternity. Thirty-five. Forty. Forty-five. Fifty.

At fifty-three seconds there was a flash of light.

Frank Hollings looked like he'd seen a war zone. His clothes were ripped in places, and the pack he'd been carrying was now laying beside him. Nearly every wire that'd been connected to him was ripped free and hanging from the pack, and at some point the ring of cameras had gotten tossed—and was not in evidence.

I didn't wait for the marines to move, nor for medics. I rushed over to Frank and crouched down beside him. "Frank! Frank! Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Holy hell! That was fucking amazing! Tell me you got that on film? Did all the gear work? I had wings!" Frank jumped to his feet, only to reveal his pants had met with enough of a failure that they stayed around his ankles. "I was a pony, a pony with wings. I wanted to fly but—" Panting for breath, Frank shook his head.

Technicians and medics rushed out, but none got onto the slate to help Frank. I glared at them and walked with him to the edge.

"M-Ma'am. Can you pull the pack over?"

I glared at the technician who'd spoken, and as if he grew a backbone on the spot he rushed over, grabbed the straps, and pulled the pack off the side.

The medics made a grab for Frank, but he avoided their grip. "That was amazing! I felt so alive!" The medics stared at the big captain and stepped back from him. "I'm alright. I just need to come down from that rush."

Making heads or tails of the situation was almost impossible. I'd rushed forward to help Frank, but he was standing easily now, though he finally noticed his clothes.

"Frank! Why don't you get changed and we can debrief you?" I asked.

"Y-Yeah." Frank stepped out of his pants completely and strode off to the side door he'd first emerged from.

With the place calming down, I turned to look at a very surprised (in my estimation at least, I was still working on understanding all her expressions) Twilight. "So," I said. "Definitely turning into a pony. He seemed to take it well."

Twilight Sparkle stared at me, her mouth working silently.

"Well, it did work." I couldn't help myself, I guess if that was what it took to finally unbalance a pony, I was in for a tough job.

Author's Note

No questions?

So I do this "Ask X" thing. X can be any pony within the story. You can ask them anything and they will definitely, hopefully reply. Keep the questions appropriate to the age-rating of the stories, and they will answer the best question in the author notes of the next chapter. The more votes a comment has the more likely I will get it to the right pony to answer. Try to keep it to one question per post! They will pick one question per chapter.

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