My Ex-Marefriend Is My Mother-In-Law
Everypony has one. The one who got away. The one who has absolutely ruined you for anypony else. That perfect 10 that you never had a shot with. Some try anyway. I was one of those ponies. A long, long time ago. About twenty years back to be precise…
Back in those days, I lived in Canterlot. I was fresh out of school and working at an upscale restaurant not far from the castle. This place was exclusive, with a who’s who of the movers and shakers eating there. It was glamorous. Well, for the customers, anyway. I was a janitor. Fresh out of school, remember? There’s nothing glamorous about cleaning toilets, especially toilets used by those who think they’re above such simple courtesies as flushing. The really annoying part was I made less bits in a night than some of the meals on the menu cost.
One night I had closed the mare’s room to unclog one of the shitters. With the prices they were paying for their food, you’d think they’d wait until they got home to crap it out, but no such luck for me. It turns out ‘closed’ signs are beneath some ponies, and this pinkish mare was certainly no exception. She barged right in, not giving a damn (or, in this case, shit) that the bathroom was off limits. She didn’t even seem particularly bothered by the fact a stallion was cleaning the room.
“Sorry ma’am, but this room is closed for cleaning. There’s another mare’s room on the ground floor.”
She just laughed at that. A quick glance at her cutie mark, a glittering diamond ring, told me everything I needed to know about her. Upper class, all the way. And with a flank like that (I couldn’t help my eyes wandering back to it a second time), she was obviously somepony’s trophy wife.
“Are you checking out my flank?”
Busted. Not that it phased me in the least. I’m a stallion and my eye’s been wandering over female flanks since I hit puberty. I had a number of comebacks ready, and I went with #4: “No ma’am, just admiring your cutie mark.” I quickly added, “That’s quite the chunk of diamond.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s a cut of diamond, you uncivilized dolt. But what should I expect from a colt so dumb he’s in the mare’s room?”
“Ma’am, my job is to clean the mare’s room. And the stallion’s room too. And I can’t do that if you’re in here.”
“So you like cleaning things?”
The look in her eyes was as predatory as they come. I knew that look. I was about to get laid, whether I wanted it or not. Fortunately, I wanted it. She was way too good for me. This mare was an off-the-charts 10. I certainly hadn’t seen many mares who could rival her in the looks department. I was, at best, a 6 on a good day. Nothing some time spent in the gym couldn’t fix, but eh, that would require working out. Not happening.
She wasted no time, leaning her forelegs on the counter and sticking her ass high in the air. “Clean my pussy. With your tongue.”
In theory, this could get me canned. In reality, we all knew that the customer was always right. If the patrons wanted sex, they got sex. Or you walked out and never came back. She was out of my league hot, no way was I walking out on this piece of ass. And that’s all she was ever going to be to me. I had no delusions this mare wanted a relationship. She wanted a good rutting, that’s all. She was probably married to some impotent geezer who got a hard-on once a month at best. Mares like her had needs. And little opportunity to act on those needs. But nopony was going to be spying on her in a closed bathroom.
I cranked my portable radio to cover what was coming next, and blocked the door with the cleaning cart. She hiked her tail and I wasted no time lapping up the juices already dripping out of her. Even the lemony odor of cleaning supplies couldn’t cover up the scent of mare in heat. And that smelled fantastic. It tasted even better. If we’d bottled up her vaginal fluids and offered them on the menu, there’d be no shortage of takers. I’d never tasted a better mare than that. At least not up until that point of my life.
I had barely started exploring her folds with my tongue before she spoke again. “Dick. Now.” She wasn’t much for foreplay, though to be fair she’d already been pretty worked up before entering the restroom. I could only hope that Sapphire Shores could drown out the moan of ecstasy she let out as I penetrated her. “Fuck me harder, plebeian.”
I obliged. I rutted her as if my life, or more likely, my job, depended on it. In and out, faster and faster. Beads of sweat dripped down my forehead, blurring my vision as I rammed her for all I was worth (which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn’t even a fraction of a percent of what she was worth). As I approached climax, I tried to pull out, but she was having none of that. She rammed her crotch into mine, sending me to the floor. She slammed down on my cock, letting out a howl of pleasure I was sure they could hear in the dining room. I came hard, jizzing right into her pussy.
It hadn’t taken long for me to blow my load. It’s not like she was my first, but damn she was smokin’ hot. I was aroused as soon as she gave me that look. Not the best sex I ever had, and I’m absolutely ashamed of my own performance. It was over far too quickly, for starters. A mare like that? She was a once in a lifetime lay. I would’ve preferred to enjoy myself a bit longer. Start with foreplay, and really eat her out. All I’d gotten was the faintest taste. It only whetted my appetite for more, and I knew no more was coming.
My cum dripped out of her vagina as she turned and walked away. She flicked her luxurious purple tail in my face. “I’ve had better.” The blow to my ego was harsh. And to add insult to, well, insult, I still had the bathroom to clean. Including wiping my own cum off the floor. But that was just the start. She then pissed all over the floor and wall. “Have to get rid of the evidence. You understand, of course.”
I understood all right. She was a fucking cunt. But that bitch haunted my dreams for the next two decades. Not that I didn’t get my share of pussy over the years. If there’s one good thing that comes with an art degree, it’s getting to tell hot mares how to pose. In time I built up a bit of a reputation as one of Equestria’s premiere portrait painters.
The secret to my success has always been surprisingly simple. I just made my clients look sexier than they really are. My marketing claimed I was bringing out their inner beauty. In reality, I was catering to their egos. And for every hot mare, there were a dozen ponies who, frankly, had no business being painted unless it was to cover them in paint to hide the ugly. Manehattan’s elite may not be the most attractive ponies to ever trot Equus, but they’re as predictable as they are rich. You paint one exceedingly good portrait (roughly translated as ‘in your dreams you look like this’), and suddenly everypony wants you to do theirs too.
She trotted into my studio on a dreary Tuesday afternoon. A pinkish-purple earth pony mare with a purple and white mane. The diamond-studded tiara on her head matched the one on her flank perfectly. Yup, daddy’s spoiled little princess, in the flesh. A brat with an allowance measured not in bits, but in percentage of the GDP. Unlike a lot of my clients, she didn’t have a body like a beached whale. She was smoking hot. She didn’t need my services to make her look better, that’s for sure.
“Can I help you?”
“You paint portraits?”
“Yeah.”
“All my friends have had you do theirs, and they’ve raved about the results. I want you to do me.”
I bet she was used to comebacks for that. I ignored her word choice entirely. Low-hanging fruit, scarfed up by the desperate and the shortsighted. She looked like the kind of bitch who said things like that just for fun, teasing the Tartarus out of the stallions and colts. I was already at half-mast just looking at her, and I wanted desperately to do just that. She was way out of my league though, and nothing in the world was going to change that. I was too old, too ugly, and most importantly, too poor for a mare like her. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in nearly four decades on this planet, it’s nothing ventured, nothing gained. There was no harm in trying. And I’ve scored with hotties way out of my league before during portrait sittings. Sure, it’s been a while, but that’s more for lack of suitable candidates. What can I say? I have standards. And she was exceeding all of them.
“All right. What are you looking for in particular?” With her, I decided on the straightforward all-business approach. This was a mare who was used to having her every whim catered to. Blowing her off as just another patron would irritate her. It would also make me a challenge.
“You did Silver Spoon a few months back. I want something like that.”
I nodded in response. I did, in fact, do Silver Spoon a few months back. You don’t normally find earth ponies that petite. I’ve seen fillies that weighed more than that mare. With such a unique combination of build and colors, painting her was a breeze. Convincing her to sleep with me had been a bit more challenging, but it appears she must’ve been satisfied with more than just the portrait if she was referring her friends to me. And if she had any other friends as hot as this one, she could keep them coming. “So the full package then?”
She grinned that same predatory grin I’ve seen so many times from so many different mares. She was mine for the taking, gift-wrapped by that little silver slut. I’d have to figure out some way of thanking her. Taking that grin as a yes, I started instructing her on how to pose. I sketched a few different positions. I could’ve skipped the formality; it didn’t take a psychic to guess which one she’d pick. But she was such a delight from every single angle, I couldn’t resist. She, of course, went for the one where she was sitting upright as possible. One didn’t wield the power this mare did by reflecting subservient body posture. In a room full of the rich and famous, everypony is jostling for position to be the head honcho. It didn’t take much imagination to picture her commanding that spot more often than not.
Diamond Tiara, as she had finally introduced herself, was built more in line with the unicorn ideal of beauty than an earth pony’s. Earth ponies tended to favor lean, muscular mates. Pegasi preferred petite, much like her friend Silver Spoon. Unicorns liked their mares with just a little bit of body fat on them. Enough to show that they were upper class, not toiling in the fields. But it had to be in the right places; a bulging belly was a no-go. To be considered attractive in unicorn circles, you needed to have a curvy flank, and Diamond Tiara delivered on that. What little fat was on her frame was in all the right places. Having grown up in a unicorn-majority city like Canterlot, she definitely fit my description of beautiful.
We made small talk while I sketched a rough outline of the portrait. I could tell Diamond was antsy. She was a mare used to being on the go, and she was most definitely used to giving orders instead of following them. I’d already decided to capture as much of that dynamic energy into the portrait as possible.
Once she was satisfied with the results of the sketch, I strode over to her and laid a foreleg over her withers. I guided her to the bedroom. “The whole package?” She nodded and flopped onto the bed. She rolled onto her back and spread her hind legs wide. Apparently, she wasn’t one for foreplay. Too bad for her that I wanted to enjoy this.
Starting with the hoof closest to me, I started trailing kisses up her leg, edging closer and closer to her marehood. She was already wet, but there was room for improvement. I skipped her pussy, instead working my way up to her muzzle, locking lips with her. Her tongue darted expertly out of her mouth and into mine. I returned the favor, and our tongues danced wildly as I traced a hoof along her flank. She gasped as I broke the kiss, straining to keep our lips pressed together.
Diamond Tiara reached for my cock, but I swatted her hoof away. “In due time.” Instead I nibbled on her ear, eliciting a soft moan from the surprised mare. I doubted anypony had ever dared to do that to her before. I suspected nopony had ever truly rutted her. From her responses, it seemed as if her previous sexual encounters had been lacking. It was time to change that.
I finally moved down to her vagina, caressing her gentle folds with my tongue, the faint taste of jasmine and honey tickling my taste buds as I lapped up her marecum. She was delicacy to be savored, and I stuck my tongue out as far as it could go and retracted it, repeating the process. Her vaginal fluids filled my mouth as I tongue-fucked her, and I greedily swallowed them, reveling in their sweet taste.
Once my thirst was quenched, I mounted her, leaning my chest against hers as I slowly penetrated her. She wrapped her forelegs around me, pressing our barrels together as tightly as possible. Inch after inch I buried my not insubstantial cock into her pussy, eventually reaching my sheath. Every so often she’d squeak in discomfort or moan in pleasure, and I’d press my lips to hers. Once I was in all the way, I rolled my hips, moving my dick around inside her cunt. I made a mental note of where her reactions were strongest. It was then that I started thrusting. Her eyes rolled back in her head as she let out shriek of pleasure. My ears flattened as I realized she was a screamer. I once more locked lips with her, in the hopes of retaining at least some of my hearing when this was all said and done.
I rolled over, dragging her on top of me. She spun around and started riding me, reverse cowgirl. I pressed my hooves into her amazing buttocks. They jiggled hypnotically every time her crotch slammed into mine. She was really getting into it as she rode me. With each successive orgasm her moans went up an octave. I buried my ears into the mattress and hoped my neighbors wouldn’t call the Royal Guards thinking somepony was being murdered in here.
Thankfully, the sound deadening spells I’d invested in paid off, and no authorities came pounding on my door. Not that I’m entirely sure I would’ve heard them with as badly as my ears were ringing, but that’s beside the point. She had flipped around to face me, and had buried her barrel into mine as she rode me. I sped up the rocking of my hips and she matched my pace as I shot a load of cum deep inside her twat. She arched her back in one final convulsing orgasm and collapsed back atop me. I wrapped my forelegs around her and cuddled her. “That was incredible,” she whispered between pants. It truly was. I was sad to think this was the only time I’d ever bang this mare, unless I got really lucky when she came to pick up her portrait. We snuggled together for hours, but eventually she excused herself. I heard the shower running and I knew she had to go. I sighed. ‘Mine for the afternoon’ was the story of my life.
A week later she returned. This time she’d brought a friend, a slender, silver-hued earth pony mare I remembered well from her own sitting. Turns out that Silver Spoon was more or less Diamond Tiara’s only friend. The two of them had a circle of acquaintances they tolerated (who in turn tolerated them). Peers among their age group and social status, but they were nothing more than rent-a-friends who showed up for social functions when it benefited them in some way. There were three other mares they referred to as ‘the crusaders’ they spoke highly of, but that was pretty much it.
“I told you he does great work.” Silver Spoon’s opinion of her friend’s portrait stroked my ego. Diamond, meanwhile, stood there with her mouth agape. I’d poured more effort than normal into painting her. She was worth it.
“This is amazing,” she finally said.
“It’s only half as amazing as its subject.” Cheesy, but effective. Tears of joy welled up in her eyes. She wrapped her forelegs around me and embraced me for all she was worth. She kissed me. Not a passionate sloppy kiss like the ones we’d shared the week before, but an affectionate kiss that said more than mere words ever could. She liked me. Really, really liked me.
I didn’t even see Silver Spoon sneak up behind me until a delicate silver foreleg started guiding us toward my bedroom. She truly was the antithesis of an earth pony. Petite, delicate, and stealthy. The two mares pushed me to the bed. The pair of beauties climbed atop me and started licking my penis simultaneously, before Silver took it into her mouth. They took turns sucking my cock, slickening it with their saliva. Neither of them could take it all the way, but Diamond was trying to. Silver, meanwhile, turned around and pressed her crotch into my face. I happily returned the favor, running my tongue along her clit. Silver tasted of lavender and chamomile, though I was unable to determine if that was her natural taste, or residue from a popular soap. I sincerely hope it was the first, it makes such a lovely compliment to Diamond’s own taste.
Diamond lowered herself over my dick, while Silver turned around to face her. Their lips connected, and watching them kiss turned me on even more than I already was. This was actually happening. A threesome with two impossibly attractive mares with a combined age less than my own. Even Stable magazine couldn’t script something this impossible.
I’d forgotten just how petite Silver Spoon really is. Her hindquarters were barely wider than my muzzle, and I had an up close view as she sat on my face while I ate her out. She started grinding and each impact of her cute derrière on my muzzle sent shockwaves of pleasure through her tiny body. I stuck my tongue out as far as I could and let her ride it as hard as she liked. With as much of her marecum that was now coating my tongue, I could verify that the taste of lavender and chamomile was indeed her natural flavor.
Diamond Tiara, meanwhile, was riding me like her life depended on it. I bucked my hips and that sent her into an orgasm. She screamed and I flattened my ears. I’d forgotten she was a screamer. Silver Spoon didn’t even flinch at the scream of pleasure. She must be used to it by now.
Suddenly things made sense. It wasn’t that Diamond and Silver had been lacking in their respective sex lives, it’s that they’d been lacking a male in their combined sex life. That’s why it had been so hard to seduce Silver, but Diamond was ready to go right away. They weren’t lesbians, yet had fallen into a relationship with one another regardless. I don’t normally have epiphanies during sex, but I guess I make exceptions during threesomes.
Silver shifted herself off me, dropped her forelegs to the bed, and raised her ass as high into the air as she could. Diamond Tiara got the message and pulled herself off my cock. She crawled over to her friend and stuck her crotch in Silver Spoon’s face. The petite mare obliged, lapping up the vaginal cocktail of Diamond’s fluids as well as my own precum. I mounted Silver and started rutting her. She was also quite vocal during sex, but instead of ear-splitting screams, she made guttural sounds halfway between a moan and a purr. It was adorable!
Diamond eventually stood up and positioned herself right next to Silver Spoon, and I switched back and forth between the two of them. Half a dozen thrusts in Diamond while hoofing Silver Spoon, followed by another half dozen thrusts in Silver while hoofing Diamond Tiara. Their tongues danced while I focused on getting them both to cum simultaneously.
It wasn’t really hard. They came, and I kept going and they came again. All the starts and stops were keeping me from climaxing, but that was the idea. First I needed to leave these two lovely mares quivering piles of orgasmic bliss, then I could concentrate on my own release.
Earth pony endurance is legendary, and I had a pair of outstanding individuals in front of me. But as noted previously, neither was a good representative of their tribe. Neither could draw much strength from an earth they didn’t personally till. I expected Diamond to outlast Silver, but even those expectations were subverted as the pink mare fell to the bed first. It was a Pyrrhic victory, as Silver collapsed mere seconds later, as soon as I withdrew my cock from her pussy. I brushed Diamond’s tail aside and mounted her once more, railing her harder and harder. Her already overloaded pleasure center defaulted to just emitting one constant moan of pleasure. Silver Spoon recovered and started playing with Diamond’s teats, stimulating them with her hooves and sucking on them.
A few minutes later I was close. The two mares rolled off the bed and sat on the floor in front of me, stroking my cock with their hooves. A minute later I blew my load all over both their faces, shooting string after string of fresh cum over their muzzles and manes. As my ejaculation started subsiding, Diamond Tiara slid her mouth over my dick to milk the last strands out. She swallowed them without a second thought.
I herded them towards my bathroom and started a hot shower. My shower holds one comfortably, and two in a pinch. Even with Silver Spoon’s petite size, I knew it wouldn’t fit all three of us. I had to content myself with standing outside the shower, listening to them clean my jizz off each other, giggling the whole time. No doubt they were having some shenanigans of their own in there. I’d spiced up their sex life, but they were longtime lovers. They knew how to get one another off without my help. I guess they did have some of the legendary earth pony endurance if they were ready for another go with one another so soon after such a thorough rutting.
I changed the bedsheets while they finished each other off, and once they emerged from the shower I beckoned them to join me for some cuddling. A little aftercare, even if it wasn’t entirely necessary since we hadn’t done anything particularly kinky. Still, sometimes it’s nice to know somepony cares. And admittedly, I was loathe to see them leave. I get lonely. We lay there for an hour or so, Diamond on my left and Silver on my right. I had forelegs draped over each of them, and they pressed themselves against me. Eventually they stood up, each kissing me on the cheek. A goodbye kiss. I’d never see them again, but at least I’d always have my memories.
More than memories. I closed my studio for the next week so I could paint multiple portraits of each, while the memories were still fresh. Perk of the job, I can paint whatever I want for my own personal collection. And they’d provided me with more inspiration than any mares I’d previously encountered. More importantly, it was a painting of the two of them that finally relegated a twenty-year-old portrait of a certain bitch to the recycle pile. I’d reuse that canvas and paint a worthier subject. Probably Diamond.
I really hadn’t expected to see either of them again after that. Maybe if they got desperate for a good rutting, but I figured they’d seek out somepony closer to their own age. I was somewhat surprised to find Diamond back in my studio a month later. She wanted to commission another portrait. And so it went. Diamond and/or Silver kept coming in for more portraits. I wasn’t about to complain about that. They paid handsomely, and they were inspiring muses. Though I had to wonder just how many portraits of themselves they really needed.
Eventually Diamond invited me out to catch a movie. And things snowballed from there. We’d already been intimate, but she continued to subvert my initial impression of being just another spoiled brat. There was a surprising amount of substance to her. She was beautiful, smart, funny, and kind. She was, in a word, perfect. Way too good for a stallion like me. Yet, here we were dating. Six short months later she proposed, and she wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer (not that my weak protests of her finding somepony worthier than me were anything more than token resistance – I’d absolutely fallen in love with her). She assured me that I made her happier than anypony else in the world. Her one caveat was that she be allowed to continue her relationship with Silver Spoon. I countered that caveat with my own, which was to also be allowed to continue my relationship with Silver Spoon. She giggled and agreed that the three of us were perfect together.
The wedding was beautiful. Probably because my sole contribution to it was showing up. I let the girls plan it, and they didn’t disappoint in the least. With as much money as their families had, they could’ve held the wedding in Manehattan or even Canterlot, but they instead chose their old hometown of Ponyville so more of their friends could attend. I finally got to meet the ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders’ I’d heard so much about. Diamond just rolled her eyes when she caught my eyes wandering over their bodies. I explained I was merely evaluating what I’d do if I was to paint their portraits. She loved the idea and immediately commissioned me to do just that as Hearth’s Warming gifts for them. Without the ‘full package’ option. I agreed that that particular package was off the table from here on out.
Diamond and Silver’s friends turned out in force. Silver Spoon’s parents were there, and every staff member from the Rich household was in attendance. I hadn’t invited all that many ponies. My own parents were there, a half-dozen other relatives, and a similar number of friends. Most of my ‘friends’ were clients, and well, most of them weren’t happy that the full package was being withdrawn from the market. The bride’s guest list included a who’s who of Equestria, and many of them had shown up. Conspicuous in their absence, however, were Diamond Tiara’s parents. I still hadn’t met them.
I pulled Silver Spoon aside and asked her to point out Diamond’s parents to me. She chuckled nervously and explained that they hadn’t been invited. Diamond was convinced her dad would think I was too old and that her mother would be more interested in my balance sheet, and disappointed by the lack of zeroes on it. I cringed, though I couldn’t dismiss those concerns. I still thought she was nuts for falling for a schmuck like me. If Diamond had her way, they wouldn’t even find out until well after the ceremony. They weren’t going to hear it from me, considering I couldn’t even pick them out of a lineup.
The ceremony was amazing. Somehow Diamond Tiara had gotten Twilight Fucking Sparkle to officiate the wedding. Yes, the princess! I guess it made sense they’d know one another since Twilight had also spent several of the most important years of her life in this backwoods town. Everything went off without a hitch, and the only thing that seemed out of the ordinary was both the bride and bridesmaid saying ‘I do’ simultaneously. Twilight raised an eyebrow at that, but said nothing. Silver Spoon said it so quietly no one else heard it. I guess that means they’re planning on our trio being permanent.
But all good things must come to an end, and the wedding wrapped up far too soon. So did the honeymoon (in Mareis, Prance, not that we saw a whole lot of it…). We returned to Manehattan and Diamond continued to manage the Barnyard Bargains financial empire, while I went back to painting portraits. Not that I’d been lacking for business previously, but the wedding had attracted a lot of attention and I found myself booked solid with new clients.
Autumn came and went, and soon the streets of Manehattan were covered with snow. Diamond announced we were going to Ponyville for the holidays, and that meant I’d finally get to meet her parents. She’d already written them to let them know she’d gotten hitched while they were traveling in Saddle Arabia. I knew meeting them was going to be an uphill battle for approval, but Diamond seemed nonplussed at the idea of them accepting me. It wasn’t their approval I needed, she reminded me, but hers. And I had that.
A few days before Hearth’s Warming I laid eyes on the Rich mansion for the second time. This time I even got to go inside. The staff had gone all out on the decorations, and Diamond confided that her mother was obsessed with winning the town’s annual contest for most festive house. With more than twenty straight wins, she hadn’t lost yet.
Trotting inside, I caught a glimpse of a familiar cutie mark. I turned my head and saw a massive (not to mention tacky) portrait of the lady of the house. My heart skipped a beat or three as my brain processed the images my eyes were sending it. It was that fucking bitch from the restaurant all those years ago. It’s funny, ever since Diamond Tiara had come into my life I’d somewhat forgotten about her. Diamond was prettier, and a far better pony than this mare could ever hope to be. But that meant… I turned to my bride of six months. “Sweetie, is that your mother?” She nodded. “Horrible portrait of her.”
“Maybe you should do her then.”
Oh, believe me, I have. Instead of voicing that, I just nodded. “I’m sure I could do her justice.” Things were going to get awkward. I mean, it was already exceedingly unlikely I was going to win her mother’s seal of approval anyway, may as well stack the deck with another mark against me. It wasn’t hard to find her, I just followed the sound of her screaming (now I knew where Diamond got that particular trait from).
Laying eyes on Spoiled Rich for the first time in twenty years, it was safe to say time had not been a friend to her. At some point in that time she’d gotten a nose job. It looked absolutely awful, yet it suited her perfectly. She turned up her nose at everypony else anyway, may as well make it a permanent feature of her face. It made her look more like a pointy-nosed Ponysaurus than a pony, but I digress. At least that fantastic flank was still looking good. I could see where my beautiful bride got her looks, that’s for sure. It’s probably for the best she doesn’t look a thing like her father. If not for his balance sheet, he’d probably be stuck pleasuring himself every night. Then again, he’s stuck with that bitch. Oh well, that’s what maids are for, right?
Spoiled Rich was absolutely glaring at me, but I’m fairly certain that’s her default expression. What are the odds she’d even remember me? For me, it was one of the best moments of my life. For her, it was a fling. What did I care what she thought? Consider me being your new son-in-law payback for you pissing all over my just-cleaned floor, bitch. Sometimes karma works in your favor.
It was later that evening that she finally cornered me away from the rest of the gathered ponies. She had the household staff running interference for her. Nopony else was in earshot, and they were keeping it that way.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“I’m your son-in-law now. Deal with it. And I just want to say your daughter’s better in the sack then you ever were.”
“Our daughter, you mean.” My mind bluescreened as she continued, “Filthy is impotent. He’s never figured it out, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that he was the reason I wasn’t getting pregnant.” She shrugged. “Mares have a shelf life. I was pretty and he was rich. If I wanted to continue being his better half, I had to give him a reason not to replace me with a newer model in a few years. So I needed to give him a foal. A little family all of his own. And you were just in the right place at the right time. I was in heat, and you were young, relatively attractive, and in a secluded place. I just needed five minutes of your time and a load of your cum.”
“So you’re saying…”
“That you married your own daughter. Yes.”
The pieces clicked together. Diamond Tiara was the right age. She didn’t look anything at all like Filthy Rich. And there was something familiar about her facial features. Now that I was scrutinizing it, she had some traits that ran in my family. The slightly shorter than average ears my father’s family were known for, and her hair colors were a hallmark of the mares on the maternal side of my family tree.
That certainly put a damper on the happy news we’d come to share. I sighed and stared the glaring mare right in the eyes. There was no easy way to say this and I’d be spoiling my wife’s big announcement. “Guess we’re going to be grandparents together. She’s two months in already. That’s her exciting news she wants to share with you. And I’m telling you this in advance so you make peace with that fact now, and you can be happy for her when she tells you.”
“How could I possibly be happy about that news?”
“Find a way. You’re not ruining this for her. She’s happy, and she’s going to stay happy.”
“You’re not intending to tell her, are you.”
I shook my head. “Nope. She doesn’t need to know.” I had long since learned how to handle uptight, self-important mares like this. “And there’ll be Tartarus to pay if you tell her. Unless you want everypony to know you were unfaithful to your husb… er, I mean your paycheck. And I’m sure the tabloids would have an absolute field day with your daughter and I. We would all be ruined.”
“You will divorce her, plebeian. We’ll hide her away until she gives birth and then send the abomination to an orphanage.”
“The fuck you will, bitch. First of all, I love her more than anypony on the planet. Secondly, that’s my unborn foal you’re talking about there. If you truly cared about your daughter, you would have been at her wedding. We could’ve had this discussion then. Not that it would have changed anything. It was too late by then. We’d already fallen head over hooves for each other.”
She raised a hoof to smack me for my insolence but I blocked her. I’d been dealing with pretentious snobs like her for more than two decades. Starting with her all those years ago. They thought they were better than the law and could get away with anything by throwing enough money at it. I knew what was coming next. She opened her saddlebags and brought out her checkbook. “Fine. Everypony has a price. Name it.”
So predictable. Threaten first, bribe when that fails. “Sorry lady, I can’t be bought.” I turned my back on her. Nothing infuriates ponies like her more than that. That simple gesture implying I’m better than her. And let’s face it, while I’m far from the best pony on Equus (probably not even in the top half, if I’m being honest), I’m a far better pony than she could ever hope to be.
“You haven’t heard the last of this!” I heard her shout as I trotted past the staff to rejoin my wife and father-in-law. I was sure I hadn’t. Like I cared. She was the one who put me in this position, after all. But I couldn’t bring myself to hate her. So she was a monster-in-law. Yet without her, the amazing, intelligent, funny, beautiful mare I loved wouldn’t be here. The daughter I’d never even known I had wouldn’t exist. If not for a quirk of fate bringing her into my studio, I never would’ve met my daughter. Never would’ve gotten the opportunity to know my daughter. Never would’ve fallen in love with her. Enduring a bitch like Spoiled Rich was a small price to pay.
We were spending the night at her parents, which meant we were staying in her foalhood room. I got to see where this amazing mare I’d fallen in love with had grown up. It was very, very pink and frilly. Lying next to her in bed I rolled over on top of her and kissed her. Despite my newfound knowledge, there was nothing awkward about it all. One thing led to another and well… there was nothing awkward about the sex either. We loved each other, and that was all that mattered.
