The Adventures of Some Messed Up Mexican in Equestria!

Days like yesterday happen often to this man. Of course all sorts of things happen to everyone but at least there's a purpose for it, right? Well for this man its different: shit happens to him and his reward is more shit, literally......on his face. But he never really complained much. It was life and he planned on living it so that one day he can walk up to the gates of heaven and say "I Win DumbFucks!" and then get promptly kicked in the dick into hell. In the form of a meteor.

But for now he had to overcame an entirely new thing in life: Ponies. You'd think that these cute little mini horses wouldn't be so much of a problem right? Throw in a random ass weirdo in a cute, colorful, female populated world and, like i said before, shit happens.

Juan made his way through Canterlot feeling at peace and kind-of itchy for some reason. Even though the fancy little ponies stared at him all the time, it didn't really bother him. Usually when anyone stares at him, it's because of his bronze, Beautiful, sun-kissed skin; now they stare at him because he walks instead of trots. As he made his way through the small horses wearing fancy clothes, he found a nice little cafe and settled at a table under an umbrella. As he sat there, legs crossed and sipping a cup of tea he thought to himself, I feel French.

A couple minutes passed and he started wondering where she might be. Of course it was hard to keep concentration when all his attention was focused on a nearby mares great  booty. After being surrounded by nothing but pony for so long, a man realizes there's not really any other options. Unless of course you want giant bears, wooden dogs, bipedal dogs, dragons, flamboyant sea snakes, griffons, freaky bug ponies, donkeys, Lion-bat-scorpion things, chicken-lizard things, or mother natures bountiful basket of regular fuck-for-brains animals. It's kind-of like prison but it doesn't make your butt hurt. Although there is the occasional burnt penis, but that's what he gets for convincing an drunk dragon to suck him off.  He was a booty lover anyway so it was kind of a win-win situation. More or less.

He waited for the girl he was supposed to meet for their little meeting-why not call it a freakin tea party because that's what it is-and grew a tad bit sweaty. From out the crowed of pony he suddenly noticed a slightly long white horn. At the bottom of said horn lay a beautiful head of pink colored hair with a single white streak. Her eyes were the shade of heliotrope which matched her eye shadow. Her long svelte white body gracefully made its way to his view. Her eyes met his and they felt deep longing to be in each others embrace.

"FLEUR!"

"JUAN!"

The abnormally tall and possibly anorexic pony galloped at impossible speeds towards Juan's open arms and she jumped in and wrapped all four hooves around his body and he wrapped both arms around her waist. To them it felt like a father finally being reunited with his long lost daughter. To everypony else, it looked Hot. One pony got a boner watching.  Fleur de lis jumped off trying to reestablish her fabulous self from from the sudden outburst of excitement. Also because she felt a sudden bump in between her legs.

"For give me for forgetting my self."

"Ya good."

"Thank you, also you should take care of that lump in yo-"

"ItwastheExcitement!"

"What?"

"What." He stared wide eyed and she jumped into a chair and stared wide eyed. After about ten minutes of staring and when all the pain tears were gone she picked up and sipped on tea. Juan often wondered how he became best friends with such a fancy little thing such as Fleur, But he also wondered how the fuck ponies pick stuff up. For now he sticks with a simple explanation he theorized : They must be related to the Power Puff Girls or some fuck like that.

"So how's your boy toy doing?"

"If by boy toy, you are referring to Fancy pants then better since your little episode."

"Hey, you try dealing with waking up in another after falling asleep on a beach AFTER making love to a shark. Do you know what that does to a man?"

"Not really."

"Me neither."

He never could figure out how he made a shark fall in love with him. But did he regret it?..........No one really knows.

"Oh ese peligroso, caliente, cuerpo de pescado."

"Come again?"

"What? Oh, hold on a sec.......That was two years ago, he cant still be that damaged."

"His left eye is backwards, his teeth are still missing, his rear hooves twitch, his intestines are still bruised, and he can only speak Latin."

There was a long pause.

"He cant still be that damaged?" He said trying hard to keep his face straight.

"well you did behave rather ,oh how you say, 'batshit Insane'?"

"Like i said, Made love to a shark."

In his head, he could still remember that fateful day.

Two years ago, some tiny-ass island near Florida.

On a beach, on an isolated island, stood a single man with a towel wrapped around his waist. Yes, he was naked but he was on an island with no one else around so he didn't really give a fuck. All his cloths were in a bag near a log. Anyway, the reason he was here was because people viewed him as odd and he rather likes being on beautiful secluded islands. That, and he accidentally made love to the seventeen year old daughter of a yakuza gang lord-"She said she was twenty."-and managed to find this heap of sand and tree.

Before this, he lead a fairly normal life. He was pore though.

He tried to get jobs.

A lot.

But he could never keep them.

He was always the odd mother fucker at the store, at the theme park, at the restaurant, at the hospital, at the strip club, and at the mental institute.

Yes even clinically insane people thought he was weird. But he was smart so he didn't suffer that much. He always made sure to make some kind of money off of any job he got. He was probably the only human being to own a T.V, a fridge, and an A.C. while still living inside a box. He was also the fittest bum in the alley because when he wanted a vacation, he walked to it.

Which brings us back to this moment. As the sun neared dawn and began it's decent, Juan decided to remove the towel and sit in the water. There were no waves so he sat back and relaxed. But, as it just so happens, a female great white shark was passing by the beach. She was in heat and slightly frustrated that no male sharks were in the area. As she was gearing to leave, her eye caught sight of something near the beach. She turned and decided to slowly swim towards it. It was a naked male human. Normally she would turn and leave because humans would usually try to kill her for no reason but for some unexplained reason she felt drawn to this human. And even more strange was that not only was she drawn to him, She was suddenly and incredibly aroused by him.

Oh and Juan did notice the shark. The thing with him is that not only was he really strange, he was also once an Olympic wrestler and love fighting animals. When ever there was grizzly bear running around town, he would be the only mother fucker to run and literally Five that bear. He didn't really value life that much cause it sucked monkey balls, so moments like these were the only thing keeping him going. Of course another thought popped into his head.

His man proof.

What most people don't know and probably won't ever know was that his boner was cursed. Well more of a family curse. A pissed-as-fuck Witch was cheated on by Juan's Aztec ancestor. So she cursed the genitalia of every male in his family. Was it Erectile dysfunction? Was it Premature ejaculation? Was it spewing snakes and spiders and scorpions from one load?

No.

Instead, she cursed them with extreme attraction. Anytime any male in his family exposes their dong and bells to the open world to anything in plain sight that has, will have, or has had the ability to copulate, will be drawn to it.

Now to most men, this would be a dream come true and would pull that thing out everyday. However, they don't realize that if that thing suddenly flaunts out in a pool, then everyone would swim and try to suck you off. Men, women, Children, and even babies. Also, his family is the only one with a recorded history of males dying from over-ejaculation. Although its never happened with animals before so he didn't really think much of it.

Well, A few miles forward and three hours later, Juan and the shark he named Betsy, after some girl he found, Playing LittleBigPlanet when he was Twelve, lay asleep in warm, fishy embrace. Still attached.

Two hours later though, the island they were on was suddenly sucked up in a giant-as-fuck whirlpool. Everything was sucked in. Except the shark who was later raped and killed by Japanese sailors.

When Juan woke up, he met face to face an incredibly familiar pink pony face. It said Hi!, and He said WHAT THE FIZZITY FUCK!

As he stared at the pony he only remembered seeing as a fourteen through sixteen year old, a thought suddenly came to him. He realized he's living the reality that most bronies only hope to dream.

He was also completely naked at the time.

He then realized that he was living the reality that ALL bronies dream of.

About half a minute after she said HI the pink pony slapped him with about a dozen pounds of sugar, Poison joke, and what might have been mule semen.

The effect of said pinky brew was...well............................................................................................................................

Not many survived.

A month after the whatever-it-was wore off, He woke up in a dark room with the sun goddess. His thing was covered by a miniature iron maiden but the rest of him was exposed to the world. Celestia stared down at him with complete disgust and spoke:

"On this day we gather here to discuss this abomination's punishment, in response to the following, which i will read aloud."

She cleared her throat, held up a magic scroll, and began to read.

"Forty three accounts of first degree homicide.

Fifty accounts of second degree homicide.

Ten accounts of third degree homicide.

Sixty-nine accounts of Arson.

One-hundred accounts of armed robbery.

eighty-seven accounts of battery.

Twelve-hundred accounts of sexual assault.

Five accounts of foal abuse.

Twenty accounts of breaking and entering.

Four accounts of property damage.

Three accounts of public disruption.

Two accounts of Political assassination.

And one account of Public indecency."  She finished with a haughty spit in Juan's face.

"In this court we shall discuss what punishment is best suited for the likes of this creature. What say you in your defense foul one?"

"............One thing........Can i have some pants?"

"Oh such humble beginnings, Wouldn't you agree Juan."

"......How did you know about the island being sucked up?"

"Pinkie told me."

"oh.......remind me to slap that pink bitch later."

They returned to sipping their tea and eating the bread that someone left.

"so, how has life treated you Juan?"

"Same as usual."

A/N:

Getting fived is a wrestling term i think.