Chapters Author's Note
This fic was inspired by a line from the (official) series finale of King of the Hill, in which Hank admonishes Bobby for calling others "weird" when Bobby thinks its acceptable playing with a bunch of unicorn dolls or "rancho unicorno," as he calls it.
That Boy Ain't Right
"C'mon Hank!" Cotton Hill drawled, sitting in the shopping cart seat as Hank pushed it through aisle A8. "I needs mah leg goo. Ah've been needing it since my shins got blown off by a Japanman's gun!" Hank and Cotton were in the Megalo Mart shopping for household medications.
"Dad, we're also here for Peggy's medications," Hank said.
"Why are wasting our time on Hank's wife?!" Cotton bellowed. "She can't even cook wrong ." Hank sighed. After obtaining the medications he needed, he walked by a toy rack.
"Look at that," Hank said happily. "They've got mitts and balls at half price. I think Bobby would love to play catch."
"You can't teach Bobby to catch," Cotton said with contempt. "You couldn't even catch a cold when you were a boy!"
"Dad, you threw them at my head," Hank said with a frown.
"Ah faced the Tojos, and you's afraid of a little ball," Cotton said with contempt. "The only thing you did decent was get Bobby through your narrow uretha!"
"Dad," Hank said in frustration. "Don't say that out-,"
"Everybody," Cotton said out loud, attracting the unwanted attention of everyone in the store. "Mah boy's got a narrow urethra! He can't get his tube moving! He can't-" Hank moved quickly through the store toward the checkout, wincing in embarrassment from the concerned looks everyone was giving him.
As Hank pulled into his house, he saw Bobby lying on the lawn.
"Hey Bobby," Hank said, getting out of the car and holding up a new mitt. "Guess what I-," Hank dropped his mitt when he saw what Bobby was doing.
"Sugar Plum", Bobby said while holding some pony toy with a yellow mane. "Don't face the Zangor the Nasty!"
"Zangor isn't a villain. He's really a good guy," Bobby said in a high-pitched voice while holding another doll with a purple mane and body. "All he needs is some love." He took the unicorn doll and put it up against a doll that looked like some scruffy looking wizard, while making a weird kissing noise.
"Bobby," Hank said in an exasperated tone. "What are you doing?!"
"The Unicorn Ranch needs to be rescued from the machinations of Zangor the Nasty," Bobby said. Hank cocked his head in frustration.
"Unicorn what?" Hank said with disbelief.
"Unicorn. Ranch," Bobby said slowly, as if Hank were some small child. "It's this new show about unicorns defending the Love Kingdom-,"
"Room. Now!", Hank uttered in frustration.
"But dad-,"
"Now!" Hank repeated with a glower. Bobby got up from the ground and stomped into the house, muttering angrily.
"I failed as a father," Cotton said angrily as he got out of the car. "I raised a sissy boy, and now he's raising a sissy grandson!" Cotton Hill began waddling away.
"Dad, where are you going?" Hank asked warily.
"To Gribble's house!" Cotton yelled. "I don't want to catch any of your sissy! This wouldn't have happened if Hank's wife just cooked and cleaned like a real woman!"
Hank frowned over Cotton's remarks. With frustration, Hank began taking those toys and putting them in the trash. Bobby watch the scene from his room with tears in his eyes. He placed a sole hand against the window.
"Goodbye sugar plum," Bobby said with a mournful, longing voice, "you were my favorite."
"Yep".
"Yep."
"Mhmm."
"I don't get Bobby," Hank said. He and his friends were at their usual drinking spot in front of the fence. "When I was his age, I always wanted to play baseball or basketball. I didn't play around with dolls." Hank said while watching Bobby and Joseph were in a mock sword battle on the other side of Rainey Street. To his chagrin, Bobby was losing.
"I didn't have toys. My daddy broke my toys in front of me," Bill said in a wistful tone. "He was a beautiful loving man, yes he was."
"Dangolkidsplayingwithdolls," Boomhauer muttered, "worldgoingcrazyIlltellyouwhat."
"If you want to blame someone Hank, blame the Chinese," Dale said with a cigarette in his mouth. "Their sweatshop made toys are part of a plot to replace our barbecue with their woks, ensuring a steady cash flow to the Communist Party and Mao Say-tung." The group rolled their eyes at Dale, long used to him spouting nonsense. To their frustration, they saw Kahn approaching.
"Hello Hank Hill and my hillbilly neighbors," Kahn said, looking directly at Hank with a nasty grin.
"Kahn," Hank said with a frown. "If this is a joke about Bobby playing with dolls, I'm gonna kick your ass."
"You think I wanted to make fun of you," Kahn said in a wounded tone. "I wanted to say hi to my good friend, Hank Hill. How is your cousin-I mean wife?"
"She's fine," Hank Hill said nonchalantly, long used to Kahn's stereotypical jokes.
"Good. Anyways, enjoy your day," Kahn said, walking back toward his house.
"Well, if you want to toughen Bobby up, you can try survivalist camp," Dale Gribble mused.
"Survivalist camp?" Hank asked Dale in a skeptical tone.
"Joseph and I go every year," Dale said. "It's how we prepare for the arrival of the Beast and his plan to bring civilization to its knees."
"Dale, Bobby and I don't need your conspiracy nonsense," Hank scolded.
"That nonsense is two weeks of surviving in the wilderness and participating in every kind of outdoor activity imaginable," Dale said with a proud grin. "From rock climbing to truffle hunting."
"Really?" Hank said in a curious tone. Dale handed Hank a brochure. "Wow," Hank said, "it's kind of like a resort, only everybody is wearing camouflage."
"Anyone who walks in there walks out a man. Of course if you don't believe me, I can give you a demonstration," Dale said, pulling an orange soda out of the cooler. "Hey Joseph!" Dale bellowed. Joseph turned to look toward Dale. "Catch," Dale bellowed, before tossing the can into the air. Joseph caught the can as if it was a baseball thrown into the air and took a triumphant sip.
"Exhibit A," Dale said with pride. Hank, feeling challenged, took a grape soda can out of the cooler. "Hey Bobby, catch," Hank said, before lobbing the soda.
"What?" Bobby uttered, only barely noticing the can coming toward him. Bobby put out his hands, but the can bounced of his nose.
"OW!" Bobby said dramatically, clutching his nose and falling to the ground. Joseph looked at Bobby with a mixture of concern and confusion. "I think my nose is a' bleeding". Hank shook his head in disappointment, while his friends looked at Bobby with unimpressed expressions.
A few seconds later, Kahn returned with a wide grin on his face.
"Also, if Bobby wants some of Connie tampons, he can always stop by," Kahn said nastily. Hank lunged toward Kahn angrily, but Kahn dodged him and ran him, cackling wildly.
Hank sighed and looked at the brochure and back at the still-writhing Bobby.
"Hank you can't send Bobby to this crazy camp," Peggy said with some frustration. The two sat at the dinner table debating Hank's idea. "Bobby can barely run laps. He can barely lift weights. Putting him in this camp to get into shape is like putting the cart before the horse."
"I'm not sending Bobby alone," Hank said with a reassuring smile. "Well be going together. It is a father and son thing. We'll be teaching each other how to survive in nature."
"Hank this isn't a camping trip," Peggy said with a frown, looking at the brochure. "It looks like your preparing him to march off to war. Are you trying to teach or son self-reliance, or are you just punishing Bobby for playing with dolls?"
"Um, well," Hank said, his eyes darting back and forth.
"Hank, I'm not thrilled with our son liking unicrons," Peggy said in a scolding tone. "But you can't just march our son onto the battlefield so you can make him into the son you want."
"I'm not trying to do that," Hank said somewhat defensively. "I just want to toughen him up a little." Peggy still didn't look convinced. Hank Hill put on his salesman's smile, the one that made him employee of the year at Strickland Propane 15 years running. "Imagine our son, senior year. He's the top quarterback at Arlen High School. He's got himself a scholarship, a girlfriend, and popularity. You could be the mother of an NFL player. All because we gave him a little bit of tough love." Peggy looked a little bit intrigued. Hank leaned his head in, eager to close the deal.
"Look, the camp gives us a free trial run for one weekend," Hank Hill said. "If we don't like it or if Bobby can't stand it, we can turn around and head back." Before Peggy could respond, they heard the noise of singing. They followed it to the living room and saw Bobby was singing some girly pop song while wearing a purple bandana.
"Baby, baby, here I am," Bobby sang off-key while playing an air guitar ,"Am I the cutest one of all? Yes I am!"
"Wow," Luanne said with a dreamy tone. "Bobby sounds really great. He should drop out of school and become a pop star." She then walked away. Hank shook his head in disappointment, while Peggy let out an annoyed sigh.
"Welcome to Forrester's Wilderness Camp," a man in a booth said to both Bobby and Hank as the father-son pair walked up ,"where we bring man back to nature." The man had a thick brunette beard and was wearing military camouflage.
"Do we get to make smores here?" Bobby asked happily.
"Smores? Smores?!" The man bellowed, scaring Bobby. "In nature there are no smores! There won't be any smores when the grid goes down. The closest thing to a smore you'll find in these parts will be the honey you win from wrestling a bear."
"See that Bobby," Hank said with some pride. "Hear you'll learn the values of self-reliance, hard work, and living according to nature."
"Your papa's a wise man son," the man in the booth said. Hank and Bobby walked past the man, who watched them walk for a few seconds. As soon as the two were gone, the bearded-man pulled out a box of jelly donuts and began scarfing them down.
"Alright worms," a drill sergeant said. He gestured to a climbing wall that was 15ft high. "Today we're going to climb the wall. Only by climbing this wall can you begin to face nature and all its cruelties." Several people began putting on their harnesses and cables, and started climbing up the wall. Hank began his climb, succeeding with only minor discomfort.
"Mah football practice really paid off," Hank said happily as he got to the top. He took off his harness, eager to shed a few extra pounds of weight. He looked down, only to see Bobby failing to climb over the first set. Hank rolled his eyes in disappointment before sighing and putting on a gentle smile.
"Bobby," Hank said in a reassuring tone. "Don't worry. If you fall, the harness will keep you from hitting the ground."
"Sure dad," Bobby said, grunting and muttering as he struggled to make it to the top.
"Come on boy!" The drill sergeant bellowed. "What are you, a person or a sack of lard! You've got to move! Move!" Bobby slowly began forcing himself up the wall. "I've seen my grandma move quicker than you and she's dead!" Slowly, the blond-haired boy pulled himself higher and higher, his body becoming more and more exhausted.
"See Bobby," Hank said proudly. "You're doing it."
"Ah'm so tired," Bobby drawled.
"Taking a nap won't save you from a bear!" The drill sergeant drawled. "Come on, lard butt!" Bobby's hand just grazed the top.
"Come on Bobby," Hank said walking up to where Bobby was. "You're almost there." Hank reached out to help Bobby, but then he fell.
"Dad, help!" Bobby yelled. Hank ran over and saw that Bobby was dangling upside down, his leg was caught up in the rope. Everyone looked on in horror as Bobby screamed for help.
"Don't worry Bobby," Hank drawled, "I'm coming!" He leaned out, trying to reach the rope. He tried to pull the upside down Bobby toward him.
"Ah I got you son," Hank said reassuringly. One of the camp employees approached to help. But before he could reel Bobby back in, Bobby's weight pulled him away from the top. Hank found himself dangling from the edge of the wall with his feet. Before anyone could help him or he could steady his weight, Hank fell off the top of the wall with a yell.
"Dad!" Bobby yelled.
Hank hit the ground, and everything went black.
Hank felt his eyes open, but all he saw was some white blur. He still felt like he was in a daze.
"Oh good," a female voice said. "You're awake. Are you OK?"
Hank moaned, feeling a massive headache on his head.
"Do you need some more rest?" the voice asked.
"Where...where am I," Hank asked in a woozy tone.
"Hospital," the woman-Hank guessed it was a nurse-said kindly. "I found you unconscious on the ground. You look like you had a really bad fall." Hank's eyes widened in horror.
"Bobby!" Hank yelled, raising his head. He realized a blanket had been placed around his body, yanked it off, and began to clamor out of bed.
"Sir," the nurse said, "you can't move."
"My son," Hank said in a panic, "is he here?"
"The ponies who dropped you off here said they found you on the ground," the nurse said sympathetically. "I didn't see any little colt." Hank paused at the use of the world 'colt' but continued to pull himself out of bed.
"I gotta find 'em," Hank said in a panic.
"Sir, you have a concussion, you need to rest," the nurse said. Hank paid her no heed and rose out of the bed. He suddenly collapsed onto the ground. He tried to rise to his feet, he found he couldn't get up from all fours for more than a few seconds.
"It's mah damn spine acting up again," Hank grunted again as he struggled to rise.
"Let me get you your glasses," the nurse said kindly. He felt the glasses being placed into his hand, but they fell out onto the ground, looking very blurry. He tried to pick them up off of the blue-tile floor, but he suddenly realized he was missing his fingers.
"You must be more out of it then I thought," the nurse said kindly. He felt his glasses being placed on head. With his vision cleared, he found himself face to face with...
Some white pony thing with a pink mane and big eyes.
"There," it said, looking at him with a reassuring smile, "feeling bet-,"
"BWAHH!" Hank yelled, moving backwards toward the bed. "What are you?!"
"I'm a nurse," the pony thing said, as if Hank had said the silliest thing in the world. "I'm also a pony like you."
"WHAT?!" Hank bellowed in fear. Jerking his head to his right, he looked at some full body mirror. As he approached the mirror, he saw...
In the mirror there was some weird horse creature walking on all fours. It had a muzzle, a brown-colored mane, a muzzle, a tan coat, big-brown eyes, horse ears, and glasses. To Hank's growing horror, he realized who was in the mirror. He raised a shaky hand-no hoof-to the reflection.
"Sir," the nurse asked. "Would you like some-"
"BWAAAAHHH!"
"Sir," the nurse said to a stammering Hank while holding up her hooves. "Panicking isn't gonna help-,"
"You're just a hallucination," Hank bellowed at the nurse as he backed away.
"What?", the nurse said in confusion.
"A dream. A hallucination. An acid trip from all them drugs you've probably shoved into my rectum when I wasn't looking!"
"Sir, you've clearly suffered a worse concussion than I thought," the nurse said with concerned eyes. "I am pleading with you to return to your bed."
"Alright," Hank said, nervous, but no longer panicking. "All I have to do is wake myself up. If I just knock myself out, I'll wake up from this crazy dream."
"Sir," the nurse said in a warning tone."I strongly recommend you get back in bed and refrain from making your concussion worse." Hank stopped panicking and looked at the nurse with an odd smile.
"Yes, of course ma'am," Hank said happily,"I will do just that," he said, climbing back into the bed.
"Good," the nurse said with a smile, happy that her advice was being heeded. "I'll just get you your lunch," she said trotting away from the tan stallion. The nurse went to the galley and was preparing a small salad for her patient when she heard a thump.
She trotted back to the ER room and saw Hank lying on the ground, rubbing his head and moaning.
"What happened now?" the nurse muttered with frustration.
"Uh," Hank said in a small daze. "I tried to wake myself by throwing myself off the bed, head first into the ground." The nurse's eyes narrowed in annoyance. "But uh..." Hank trailed off in frustration, "it didn't happen," Hank said, his face becoming miserable.
"Are we finished?" the nurse said with strained patience. "Have you gotten....whatever that was...out of your system?"
"Sure," Hank drawled in an expression of guarded panic.
Hank lied down in a fetal position, brooding over his circumstances for what felt like several hours. His salad, which was full of lettuce and flowers, laid uneaten on his nightstand.
"I didn't wake up, despite feeling pain," Hank mused in a quiet, scared expression. "Either I'm on something really strong, or I really did become some...horse thing and end up in some....horse place." Hank realized he was naked, and closed his rear legs with a blush. "Was it too much to ask for me to wake up with some dang clothes?" He looked up at the ceiling. "Lord, is this my punishment for not letting Bobby play with dolls? If I buy him some new toys, can I be let out of this madness?"
"Excuse me," the nurse said. Hank raised his head and saw the white-coated nurse approaching him. "You have visitors Mr.-I'm sorry, I haven't caught your name yet."
"Uh, Hill," the propane salesman said. "Hank Hill."
"Well Mr. Hill here are your visitors," Hank looked up and saw two more of these horse creatures approaching him with concerned smiles. One of them had an orange coat, a blond mane and tail tied up with a scrunchie, green eyes, a Stetson on its head, and some apple tattoos on its flank. The other one was much smaller, with a yellow coat, a red mane tied up with a red bow, and amber eyes. "These are the ponies that found you lying on the ground and brought you to the hospital. They stopped because they wanted to check up on you."
"Really," Hank said. He broke out of his self-pity, aware he ought to be grateful. "Well thanks for finding me and bringing me here ma'am," he said respectfully the orange pony.
"I wish I could take the credit," the orange pony said bashfully in a female country accent, "but it was my little sister Apple Bloom here who found ya'," the pony said, gesturing with her legs to the little yellow foal. "Name's Jacqueline Appleseed Smith, by the way. But you can call me Applejack if you want."
"Hank Hill," Hank replied, "but you can call me Hank." He turned to the shy little foal. "So, how did you find me, little one?"
"Well," the foal said, in a voice that made her sound like a 6 to 10 year old girl,"me and my friends were trying to get our cutie marks in finding mythical beasts." The orange pony rolled her eyes. "We were looking in the mud pits, when Scootaloo-my friend-heard a grunt." She let out a cute smile that warmed Hank's heart. "We thought we found a monster. My other friend, Sweetie Belle, jumped up and down because she was so excited. That's when we heard another grunt." She let out an embarrassed smile form on her face. "So we kept walking in circles for about...ten minutes trying find the strange noise, only to look down. We realized you were the creature, and we were walking all over you," the little filly said, turning to look at the floor in shame. Hank would normally feel annoyed, but this Apple Bloom was just too adorable to hate.
"Don't worry about it," Hank said in a reassuring tone. "The important thing is you got me here when you got me." Apple Bloom seemed less embarrassed.
"Say, what's your cutie mark supposed to be?" Apple Bloom asked in a curious tone. Hank's eyes narrowed in confusion.
"What?"
"Your cutie mark," Apple Bloom repeated pointing with her hoof to his rear end. "It looks likes some kind of...weird white bug or something." Hank looked to his rear end and saw he gained some strange tattoo on his flank that looked like a propane tank.
"I'd say it looks like kind of a...weird jug," Applejack said, also staring intently at his flank. "What is your special talent, Hank?"
"Well that there is a propane tank," Hank said proudly. "Mah... special talent is that I sell propane and propane accessories for a living." The two pony sisters looked at him in confusion.
"What's propane?" Applejack asked Hank.
"How long has he been locked in the bathroom for?" Apple Bloom said with concern, looking at the bathroom door and hearing the sound of showering and muttering.
"About 15 minutes," Applejack said tiredly.
In the bathroom, Hank had finished the longest cold shower of his life. He got out of the tub and looked harshly into the mirror, trembling from both the cold and the fear.
"No propane. No propane. No propane ," he said with a revolted and terrified tone. "I really am in another world," Hank said into the mirror with deep terror as he took in his reflection, and his transformation, once more. "Peggy, Bobby, Luanne, Dale, Boomhauer, Bill, Nancy, mom, dad. Kahn," he said last one with less angst. "They're all gone." Hank took deep breaths he learned from his yoga courses to steady his nerves. "Come on Hank, relax. You're a salesman. Salesman adapt to any situation. You didn't always have propane in your life. You got through those terrible years. You can get through this." He took another deep breath and dried himself off with a white towel. "Man, these hooves are really flexible," he said, marveling at how his hooves worked almost like fingers as he dried off his coat.
When Hank emerged, he found himself face to face with Applejack.
"Mr. Hill, what's troubling you?" Applejack asked with a concerned voice.
"Nothing," Hank said.
"Mr. Hill, I may be a stranger to you, but don't think you can lie to me," Applejack said, her green eyes looking at him with both severity and understanding. "I can tell when a pony ain't well. If there's something troubling you, please let me know."
"Well," Hank said, looking away for a moment. "Um...I lost my son and wife," Hank said half-truthfully.
"You lost your son," Applejack said with both alarm and sympathy. "What happened?"
"Well, we were climbing this....wall," Hank said uneasily. "And then there was this mishap and I fell down and hit mah head. The next thing ah knew, I woke up in the hospital."
"Well don't you fret," Applejack said with an encouraging tone. "We'll do everything we can to find yer family."
"Oh, can I get my cutie mark in finding missing colts," Apple Bloom said opportunistically.
"Apple Bloom," Applejack said with a warning expression, "this is serious. You can't use a missing colt to find your mark. We need a professional. And I know just who to talk to." Applejack paused as she began thinking about something. "Do you mind staying here overnight?"
"Sure," Hank said. He then began rubbing the back of his head with his hoof. "But...ah I don't really have anywhere to stay."
"Well don't worry about ah thang sugarcube," Applejack said reassuringly. "We've got plenty of room for ya' over at Sweet Apple Acres."
"You're offering me a place to stay?" Hank asked hopefully.
"Yep. At Sweet Apple Acres we extend our hoof to anypony who needs help," Applejack said proudly, "no questions asked."
"Well thank you so much Ms. Applejack," Hank said with deep gratitude.
"Alright," the nurse pony said in a kind but firm expression, "visiting hours are over. Mr. Hill still needs to rest from his fall. He'll be released tomorrow."
"Well Hank, I'll see ya' tomorrow," Applejack said, turning to walk out of the hospital.
"Bae Mr. Hill," Apple Bloom said, joining her sister. Hank watched the two sisters leave, and fell into his bed with a relieved smile. Despite not being out of his predicament by a longshot, he at least had a roof over his head. He decided to relax and take a nap. He suddenly heard the noise of clopping hooves approaching him. When he opened his eyes, he found himself face to face with a smiling pink pony with blue eyes.
"Uh, hello," Hank said, feeling a chill go down his spine.
"Uh," Hank said, confused and perplexed by the creature staring down at him, "Who are you?"
"I'm Pinkie Pie!", the pink horse said, in a voice that sounded like a cheerful squeaky toy.
"Uh, Hank," the human-turned-horse said.
"Well Hank, welcome to Ponyville," Pinkie Pie said. Somehow, confetti burst from behind her. "The bestest, coolest, and most super-duper town in all of Equestria!" Hank was pulled out of his concern when he heard the name of the town.
"Ponyville," Hank mused. "What kind of name is that?"
"When Applejack found you I was all sad," Pinkie Pie said. "Because you were hurt. Because when ponies are hurt, they can't have fun or go to parties, and if they can't go to parties that makes me sad. But then I was all happy again. You know why? Because it means once you got better, I could throw you a got-better party." She paused, putting her hoof under her chin. "But then how could I throw you a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party? I guess I'll have to throw you two parties. And it means I'll have to bake two cakes. But what if you prefer pie? I love pie after all. My name is 'Pinkie Pie'. Maybe-"
"Oh god," Hank thought miserably,"she's got Boomhauer's mouth, but Luanne's brain." He stuck his hooves into his ears and turned away from the pink creature, trying to block out the noise. After a few moments of silence, Hank pulled his hooves out of his ears, only to hear Pinkie was still rambling.
"-blueberry was always my favorite. But chocolate was also my favorite. But then I said 'oatmeal, are you crazy'?"
"Pinkie," Hank muttered. Pinkie's rambling ceased, but her smile never wavered. "Look, you seem like a...passionate young lady. But I need to rest. Doctor's orders," Hank said, his eyes darting back and forth. "Can you please come back tomorrow?"
"Why would you need to rest?" Pinkie Pie said. She then crawled into the bed, to Hank's discomfort. "We can have a party together right now. Just the two of us."
"What do you mean..." Hank said, feeling his heart beat, and a blush forming on his cheeks.
"We can be really special friends you and I," Pinkie said cheerfully, before pulling Hank into a hug. Hank's panic rose. "Me and you, sitting-,"
"BWAAH," Hank said, pulling away from Pinkie's hug. "Let go of me. I'm married!"
"I thought you were Hank," Pinkie Pie said, tilting her head in confusion.
"Get away from me!" Hank almost bellowed. "I don't go for those....kinds of relationships."
"You don't want to be bestest, estest, friends? But I really want a two-pony party," Pinkie Pie complained. "With balloons, and cake, and-," In frustration, Hank kicked Pinkie Pie out of the bed. To his shock, Pinkie Pie went flying through the air and crash into a wall, living a Pinkie-sized indent in the wall.
"Pinkie," Hank said with concern. He looked at his hooves and at the wall with utter shock.
"Either I gained the strength of an ox, or those vitamins are working better than advertised," Hank said nervously. "Pinkie," he repeated. Suddenly, the same pink horse jumped back into the building, looking no worse for the wear.
"Pinkie Pie, you're OK?" Hank asked cautiously.
"Why wouldn't I be OK?" Pinkie Pie asked happily.
"I launched you through a wall," Hank said in confusion.
"Don't worry Hank," Pinkie Pie said, as if completely unaware that she was shoved through a wall. "I was able to get you your party cake." It was at that point Hank noticed that Pinkie was carrying a cake in her hooves. It was a vanilla cake coated in white frosting with "Welcome Hank" written in brown icing.
"Wait, you baked me a cake?" Hank asked.
"Ever since my ear twitched, I knew there was going to be somepony who needed a party," Pinkie Pie said. Hank felt his headache returning.
"Getting answers from this nut just leads to new questions," Hank thought tiredly. "But why did you bake me a cake? You've only known me for one day."
"Cause everybody deserves to be happy and have friends," Pinkie Pie said. Hank was stunned by the words. They were said in that same happy-go-lucky tone. But underneath was a firmness and sincerity that showed she meant every word of it. Despite Pinkie's oddness, Hank felt touched.
"Well, thank you Pinkie," Hank said with honest sincerity. "But as I said, I am very tired right now. I'd be happy to have cake and party with you tomorrow."
"OK-dokie Hank," Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, taking the cake back. "I will see you tomorrow." She opened the door, and starting skipping out of the hospital. Hank shook his head with both annoyance and amusement.
"I wonder how many more characters I'm gonna meet tomorrow," Hank muttered as he rested.
The next morning, Hank saw Applejack coming toward him, along with Apple Bloom.
"First we're headed to school to drop off little Apple Bloom," Applejack said. Apple Bloom's hidden frown showed she wasn't really a fan of education, to Hank's amusement. "Then we'll go see mah friend Twilight. Then we'll head back to the farm, where we'll get you settled."
"Sounds fair," Hank said. The group of three began marching around town.
Hank was astonished at what he saw: a town of full of these colorful ponies. Some were walking, or trotting, around town. Some were running stands, hawking all kinds of produce. Hank looked up toward and sky and saw something that made his jaw drop.
Some blue pony thing with wings was pushing some of the clouds. He noticed its mane was all the colors of the rainbow.
"How is she doing that?" Hank asked Applejack as they trotted side by side.
"Doing what?" Applejack said.
"Pushing those clouds together," Hank said with amazement.
"Well she is a Pegasus," Applejack said, in an amused tone that sounded like she was stating an obvious scientific fact. "You're acting like you've never seen a Pegasus before."
"Uh well," Hank said, his darting back and forth as Applejack gave him an odd look, "I've never seen the job done so...well."
"That's because you never met me," a voice from above said. Hank craned his neck and saw that blue Pegasus hovering above him with a cocky grin. "Rainbow Dash, the fastest, coolest pony in town!" That pony certainly didn't lack confidence. The roll of Applejack and Apple Bloom's eyes showed that Rainbow Dash loved to boast about herself. Hank noticed she also had a tattoo on her flank, which was a Rainbow lightning bolt coming from a cloud.
"Hey Applejack," Rainbow said. "How's it hanging?"
"Good Rainbow," Applejack said.
"Hey Rainbow," Apple Bloom said.
"Hey Apple Bloom," Rainbow said. "So, whose the newbie?"
"His name is Hank Hill," Applejack said.
"Oh you're the pony who lost your family," Rainbow Dash, a touch of sympathy in her rough voice.
"Uh yeah...", Hank said in reluctant tone.
"Well don't worry," Rainbow Dash said. Instead of looking sympathetic, she sounded excited. "Just give me the location, and I'll find your family. Or my name isn't Rainbow Dash!" Before Hank could respond, Rainbow Dash flew away at lightning speed. Hank was too amazed to be annoyed at her arrogance.
"Rainbow Dash is full of hot air ain't she," Applejack said with a sly grin. Hank nodded in affirmative. "But she's a good friend, once you get to know her. She ain't the Element of Loyalty for nothin'." Hank wondered what that meant, but didn't voice it out loud.
"Hey Fluttershy," Applejack said. Hank noticed that they came up to a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane who was throwing some acorns at some squirrels. Hank noticed she had a tattoo of butterflies on her flank.
"Eat up, little ones," she said meekly. The squirrels showed their gratitude with their happy chitters. As soon as Hank approached her, however, the yellow pony flinched and tried to hide behind her mane.
"Uh, is she OK?" Hank said.
"Sorry, Fluttershy is the kind of pony who is afraid of her own shadow," Applejack said, "let alone a stranger." Applejack came up to Fluttershy and pushed her toward Hank. "Fluttershy, this is Hank Hill. Say hello."
"Howdy ma'am," she cheerfully, but to Hank's concern Fluttershy could barely even look him in the eye.
"Hi," Fluttershy said, still shaking.
"So, I saw you feeding the squirrels," Hank's said. "That is a mighty fine thing you did."
"I guess," Fluttershy said with a squeak.
"Fluttershy loves animals and loves taking care of them," Applejack said. "Don't you?" Hank noticed Fluttershy seemed far less meek when talking about animals and decided to play on that.
"Uh," Hank said, rubbing the back of his head, "I have a dog too." Fluttershy stared at him intently.
"Really?" Fluttershy said.
"Uh, maybe you could provide some tips," Hank said uneasily, barely noticing Applejack shaking her head in warning. Fluttershy let out the happiest shriek imaginable. Applejack ran her hoof on her face.
"I would love too," Fluttershy said. "If you want to keep a dog happy, make sure to rub its belly-,"
Fluttershy's advice continued all the way to Apple Bloom's school, where she was dropped off, and all the way to the giant oak tree, where Applejack's friend lived. To Hank, the whole thing was disconcerting.
"She acts quiet as a mouse, but talk about animals, and she acts like that Pinkie character," Hank thought to himself.
"OK Fluttershy," Applejack said politely but forcefully," Hank needs to talk with Twilight right now."
"Buy Hank," Fluttershy said in her meek voice. "And remember. Dog biscuits sprinkled in with her kibbles makes for an excellent meal."
"Sure," Hank said with some tiredness. To his confusion, Fluttershy trotted, unlike the other Pegasi who flew around.
"Anyways," Applejack said, "this way too-,"
"Applejack, Darling," a very haughty voice said. Hank turned around and saw some white unicorn approaching them. She had an elaborately styled purple mane, blue eyes, and diamonds on her flank.
"Hey Rarity," Applejack said.
"I just wanted to tell you the overalls will be finished by Friday," Rarity said. "I just need to put the finishing touches on them to make them as fabulous as can be."
"Rarity," Applejack said with some annoyance. "I'm gonna be wearing those in the mud. Not goin' to a ball."
"Whether at the ball or on the farm Darling," Rarity said proudly ,"one must always strive for perfection." Hank noticed that everything about this mare, from her tone to her appearance, to her love of fashion, screamed sophistication and good grooming.
"Oh I'm sorry good sir," Rarity said to Hank, "forgive me for not introducing myself. I am Rarity Belle."
"Hello ma'am, I'm Hank Hill," Hank said. "It is lovely to make your acquaintance."
"Are you trying to butter me up, good sir," Rarity asked playfully.
"No ma'am, I'm happily married," Hank said with a charming smile. "But I'd say if I wasn't, I would be the second luckiest...uh...stallion in the world if I could take you to a ball."
"Ooh, such a gentlestallion," Rarity said. "I insist you give me the chance to make you a lovely suit." Applejack rolled her eyes again.
"Uh that'd be kind of you ma'am but, I already got enough of those," Hank said.
"Oh please, I must simply do your colors," Rarity said in an almost desperate tone. As if Hank refusing her would be equivalent to murder.
"Well, no offense ma'am," Hank said, "but I'm not really interested in that frou-frou stuff." Rarity's face frowned at that. To Hank's shock, she looked ready to explode, but then composed herself with a glare from Applejack.
"Very well Darling, my boutique is always open if you want to change your mind," Rarity said with some forced politeness. "Toodaloo," she said, before trotting away.
"Well, your friends seem...interesting," Hank said in a polite tone. Applejack rolled her eyes, not trying to disagree.
"I know mah friends can seem out there," Applejack said. "But believe me. I wouldn't trade'em for the world. Anyways, lets go see Twilight," gesturing to the tree library with her hoof.
Hank timidly followed her in, wondering what new surprises would be thrown his way.
This Librarian Ain't Right
"You know where to find me, right?" Applejack asked, trotting away from the library.
"Yep I'll see ya' later," Hank said. The human-turned-stallion trotted to the door and entered the building. He looked around and saw tons of books lying around.
"Excuse me," a small male voice said. Hank looked down and saw some small purple reptile approaching him.
"Are you, Hank?" the purple creature asked.
"Yeah," Hank said uneasily. "Who are you?"
"I'm Spike," the purple male creature said. "Twilight Sparkle's number one assistant." The...lizard thing said that with an incredible amount of pride.
"What are you?" Hank asked uneasily. Spike frowned slightly.
"Man, you must live in the sticks," Spike said with a small amount of annoyance. "I'm a dragon." Hank felt a twinge of regret, seeing the hurt on the creature's face.
"I'm sorry," Hank said earnestly. "I've never a dragon before in my life."
"Don't worry about it," Spike said with a wave of his claws. "Anyways, Twilight said she'll help you find your family."
"Sure," Hank said uneasily. Hank followed the small dragon into some kind of lab. Hank observed that it looked like some kind of school science lab, with beakers, tubes, equipment that looked electronic. In it, she saw some lavender-skinned unicorn slaving over some beakers. This one had purple hair with a lighter purple highlights running through it, and some red-purple star on her flank, surrounded by several smaller white ones.
"Let's see," the unicorn muttered. Suddenly one of the beakers was lifted into the air with some purple energy. Hank noticed that the unicorn's horn was being lit up the same way.
"How is she doing that?" Hank said with surprise.
"Doing what?" Spike asked.
"Doing that...lifting thang with her horn," Hank said. To his frustration, Spike starting chuckling like crazy.
"Oh man, you must really live under a rock," Spike said, trying to control her laughter. "She's doing basic levitation, and your treating it like she's lifting the whole ocean with her magic."
"Uh, I'm being a little silly," Hank said sheepishly. "Of course I've seen magic before." Spike stopped laughing.
"Oh I'm sorry," Twilight Sparkle said, turning away from her table. "I was so busy, I didn't notice you. You must be Hank Hill. I'm Twilight Sparkle," she said graciously.
"Nice to meet ya'. So you're some kind of scientist?" Hank asked.
"Scientist, mage, and apprentice to Princess Celestia herself," Spike said happily.
"Really?" Hank said with a small amount of admiration.
"Spike you don't need to brag," Twilight said with a coy smile. "I'm just the same as anypony else."
"She treats compliments like they were poison ivy," Spike said with the roll of his eyes. Hank gave a small smile at the pony.
"You sound like a humble little g-, I mean filly," Hank drawled. "Ah admire those who 'do' more than they 'talk'".
"Anyways, you said that you were missing your family," Twilight said in a serious tone, her face saying she wanted to get down to business.
"Oh yeah," Hank drawled.
"Can you tell me exactly what happened?" Twilight said, pulling out some paper to right on.
"Sure," Hank said. "Uh well...I was taking my...colt mountain climbing. And, well, he nearly fell down. But ah saved him. But...I fell down and hit mah head. Next thing ah knew, I was in the hospital."
"Where specifically?" Twilight said.
"Where?"
"Yes, where were you climbing?" Twilight said with slight annoyance.
"Uh," Hank said, rubbing the back of his head with his hoof.
"Man this leg is so flexible, it is like a second arm" , Hank thought to himself.
"Maybe if I had a map, I could show it to you," Hank offered.
"Of course, how silly of me," Twilight said with a small smile. "Follow me," she said, gesturing with her hoof to some room. Hank followed the pony.
Hank looked at the map room. He felt like he was in the home of an old scholar. Charts, maps, scrolls, old school navigation, and globes made this place feel quaint.
"I have oceanic maps, topographic maps, scholarly maps, globes, sextants," Twilight rambled.
This Twilight character, like all the ponies here, seemed to get excited about the things they loved. This pony loved to gush about her knowledge.
"I bet Kahn wished Connie was like this", Hank thought. The pony seemed lost in her ramblings.
"Ms. Twilight, we don't have all day," Hank said firmly. Twilight looked at Hank and gave him a sheepish smile.
"Sorry," Twilight said uneasily. "I tend to go off into...some tangents. Anyways, lets get you a map," Twilight said. Without missing a beat, she grabbed a rolled up map with her telekinesis.
"Wait, how do you know that is the right one?" Hank said, astonished at the speed in which Twilight selected the scroll.
"The power of organization," Twilight said proudly. "I ensure that this place stays organized by working five sweet hours a night."
"You don't...get out much do you?" Hank asked with some exasperation. To Hank, this pony seemed to think organization was as fun as Bobby found video games to be.
"Alright Mr. Hill," Twilight said, opening the map and placing it on the table. The map was a topographic map of the area near the town.
"Tell me where you were climbing with your son," Twilight said. Hank, at random, picked some random place called "Foal Mountain."
"Foal Mountain?" Twilight said with confusion. "That's kind of far from here."
"Uh, I suppose," Hank said nervously.
"How could you fall down a mountain 50 miles away and suddenly end up on Applejack's farm?" Twilight said with disbelief.
"I have no idea," Hank said, gritting his teeth.
"Hm, perhaps what we're seeing is some kind of dislocation anomaly," Twilight said aloud while scribbling in her notes.
"Sure, let's go with that," Hank said nervously.
"It could explain why you woke up there," Twilight said. "Can you tell me what village you live in."
"Uh sure," Hank said. He gestured to some random town called "Tree Bark".
"Can you describe what your family looks like," Twilight said. Hank gave her vague descriptions of Bobby, Peggy, and Luanne.
"Alright, I'm gonna send a letter to the authorities in your town and at Foal Mountain," Twilight said. "Alerting them about a missing foal and that we found you. We should be hearing back from them in the next few days."
"Great," Hank said. "Is there anything you...need."
"No," Twilight said. "You probably need to tell your wife where you are right?"
"Sure," Hank said. The lavender unicorn gave Hank some ink and parchment.
"Thanks," Hank said with suppressed unhappiness. He trotted out the door, giving Twilight a small but polite good bye, as he headed for the orange pony's farm.
"Howdy Hank," Applejack said to Hank as the human-turned stallion approached the road that lead to Sweet Apple Acres.
"Howdy Applejack," Hank said.
"So what did Twilight say?" Applejack asjked.
"Well, she said it might take a week or so before I could hear back from my son," Hank said uneasily.
"Well don't worry Hank," Applejack said with a small smile, "you're here to stay as long as you need." The honesty and the kindness in the orange mare's eyes moved Hank. He often wondered what ever became of such hospitality back in Texas.
"It vanished when the Californians invaded," Hank thought to himself.
"How can I ever thank you?" Hank said.
"Well if you want, you can help out around the farm," Applejack said. "We wouldn't mind having a few extra hooves at Sweet Apple Acres."
"Applejack one of the great passions of my life is my lawn," Hank said in a dreamy voice. "To help a farmer would be my greatest dream." Applejack gave him a grateful smile.
"Well, let's go," Applejack said.
"So what do you think of Ponyville?" Applejack asked Hank as they trotted to the farm.
"Well, it's...different," Hank said, still trying to make heads or tails of this magic world.
"Ah see, you think the ponies in this town are crazy," Applejack said, her eyes full of intuition, "and you're trying to be nice about it."
"Oh please," Hank said with the wave of his hoof, "a per-er-pony with my kind of friends has no right to call others...crazy. One of my friends, Dale, believes that his own son was the spawn of an alien."
"Really?" Applejack said with a small chuckle. "That's ridiculous." It was ridiculous, but then Hank realized he was technically on an alien world.
"Wait, does that make Dale...right?" Hank thought to himself. He shuddered internally over the idea that Dale's gobbledygook could make sense.
Applejack looked ahead and saw her farm.
"Anyways Hank, welcome to Sweet Apple Acres," she said, gesturing with her foreleg to the farm. Hank marveled at the sight. It seemed like the ideal of a farm: a beautiful red barn, a rustic but well-kept farmhouse, a chicken coop, and acres and acres of succulent apples growing.
"Granny, Apple Bloom, Big Mac," Applejack yelled. "We've got company!" Three ponies trotted out of the farmhouse. Hank was familiar with little Apple Bloom. The two other ponies were almost polar opposites in terms of physical fitness and demeanor.
There was a big red stallion with an orange mane and a large yolk around his neck, who Hank assumed was Big Mac. He looked at Hank without much emotion, silently staring at him while chewing on some hay. He also seemed taller and larger than Hank and most other ponies. On his flank was a tattoo of a large apple.
There was a green mare who looked well into her twilight years, who Hank deduced was Granny. She was quite old, with a greying mane. Despite her age, she looked at Hank with a considerably more welcoming look. On her neck was a bandana and on her flank was a tattoo of a pie.
"You must be Hank Hill," Granny Smith said cheerfully in a high, reedy voice. "I'm Malus Smith. But you can call me Granny."
"Well Granny, it is lovely to make your acquaintance," Hank said. He glanced over to Big Mac.
"You must be Big Mac," Hank said to the big red stallion.
"Eeeyup," Big Mac said simply.
"Anyways, let's enjoy some lunch and then we can get back to work," Granny said. The Apple family and Hank entered the farmhouse.
"I agree Mr. Hill," Granny Smith said at the dinner table. "All foals want to do nowadays is laze around."
"The problem is they've got too many distractions," Hank said. "Videa games, comic books-,"
"In mah day, our videa game was going outside and rustling the cay-ttle," the old mare drawled.
"What I wouldn't give to return to those days," Hank said.
"In those days, young'uns listened their parents and did what they was told," Granny Smith said. The Apple siblings rolled their eyes hearing the adults drone on about the "good ol' days."
"So what's yer trade Mr. Hill?" Granny Smith asked Hank. The Apples and Hank were eating in the farmhouse. Most of the dishes were a combination of apples and some flowers. Despite his initial trepidation, Hank found the cuisine as good as Peggy's.
"As I told Applejack, I'm a salesm-er-salespony," Hank said, "of propane and propane accessories."
"What's propane?" Apple Bloom asked.
"It is a gas," Hank said. "You can use for heating and cooking."
"Well here at Sweet Apple Acres," Applejack said. "We use fresh logs from the forest to do all the cooking we need."
"Well...logs are OK," Hank said dismissively,"but propane is a lot more clean and efficient than wood," Hank said, getting into his salesman voice.
"Mr. Hill, it isn't polite to sell stuff at a dinner table," Granny Smith admonished.
"I apologize ma'am," Hank said sheepishly. "I'm just...passionate about my craft."
"No worries," Granny said. "But Sweet Apple Acres will always remain a place that uses wood."
"Eeyup," Big Mac grunted. Hank suppressed a grimace, trying not argue with the ponies for unfairly dismissing propane.
"Hank don't start a fight", Hank thought to himself. "They're not evil. They're just...misguided and ignorant." Hank briefly imagined what would happen if he brought propane to this pony world.
"Well Mr. Hill," Applejack said happily, "I never had such excellently cooked meals before."
"You have shown us the path to salvation," Granny Smith said gratefully.
"Eeyup," Big Macintosh said.
"I'm gonna try and get my cutie mark in propane and propane accessories," Apple Bloom gushed while wearing a Strickland Propane hat.
"Hank," Buck Strickland said with a proud smile. "For sellin' propane to a new world you deserve the ultimate honor."
"I get to become assistant manager," Hank said.
"No Hank," Buck Strickland said. "You get to become...general manager." Hank was at first speechless. But then he shook Mr. Strickland's hand, a lone tear running down his cheek.
"And the Propane Salesman of Year award goes to...Hank Hill!"
In the audience, the top propane salesmen of the world, Hank's family and friends, and even Cotton applauded Hank for bringing propane to a new land.
"And here to present the award, Mr. Tom Landry," the announcer said.
The proud smile on Tom Landry's face made Hank feel greater joy than anything else in the world.
While Hank would love to do this, he remembered with frustration that this world was more technologically like the 1800s. They didn't have cars, trucks, or diesel locomotives, which meant they didn't have (or didn't use) oil.
"Anyways Mr. Hill," Granny said. "You can stay here as long as you need. In fact, today you can rest up before going to work tomorrow."
"You're too kind, ma'am," Hank said gratefully.
"And this is your room," Applejack said. Hank looked at the room. It was adequate with a decent-sized bed and a small dresser, which he found odd.
"Why wear a dresser when you hardly need any clothes?" Hank asked himself.
"Anyways, if you need anything else, don't hesitate to holler," Applejack said, before trotting to her own room.
Hank let out a small smile. He had shelter, food, and work. His basic needs were met. But he still needed to figure out a way home-he had long stopped believing this was just a dream-and wondered what he could do.
"Maybe that mare Twilight might have some insights," Hank thought to himself. But he'd worry about that tomorrow. He climbed into bed, took off his glasses, and rested his eyes.
These Princesses Ain't Right
Hank woke up from his slumber. He used his hands to reach for....
Wait. Hands?
Hank yanked off his sheets and got out of his bed. In looked up and down his body and saw he was back to normal. He looked around and saw he was back in his room, with Peggy sleeping by side.
"Thank god," Hank uttered with the relief a man felt when got to pee after three days, "I finally woke up from that crazy dream." He looked at his hands like he would never take them for granted again.
"No, Mr. Hill, this is the dream."
Hank Hill looked and saw who entered the room.
It was another one of these ponies. But this one was very different from the ones he had seen.
This one a head taller than the adult ponies. She-it was she based off her voice-had a blue coat, a blue mane that seemed to blow in some unforeseen wind, turquoise blue eyes, a long horn, and large wings on the side of her body.
There was something different about this pony. Something powerful that made Hank feel rooted on the spot.
"Who are you?" Hank chocked out. "Another one of the crazy hallucinations I've seen?"
"Sir, I am not illusion." The blue mare just let an amused smile form on her muzzle. "I am the master of illusion." Her eyes glowed and suddenly Peggy and the bedroom faded away to be replaced by some void with beautiful stars.
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO PEGGY?!" Hank bellowed with bared fists. "ANSWER ME, OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!"
"Mr. Hill I can't destroy that which does not exist," Luna replied. Hank's anger was replaced with a bit of melancholy. "This is the Dreamscape. That is merely an illusion of your wife."
"So, this is the dream," Hank uttered with enormous reluctance. "And I'm still...in...Ponyworld?" He frowned miserably.
Luna gave him a solemn nod. "It is apparent why I have been summoned."
Hank looked confused. "Summoned?"
"Mr. Hill, allow me to introduce myself. I am Princess Luna, Mistress of the Night, Defender of the Dreams. i could sense-"
"Defender of the-OH MY GOD, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ENTER MY MIND AND READ IT! AH'M AN AMERICAN! I HAVE RIGHTS-,"
Luna raised her hoof. "Mr. Hill I can't enter a mind without permission. The dreams sensed your trouble, and so they summoned me to assist you." Suddenly Hank felt his panic cease.
"Assist me?"
Luna looked even more amused. "It really amuses me to see a being so wise look so lost. But then, you've never been to a world without magic."
Hank looked even more stunned. "You know about...people?"
"My sister talks about it often," the blue mare commented. "She traveled there many times in her youth."
Hanks hopes lit up. "So she can get me home?!"
"Perhaps," Princess Luna said. Hank was a bit concerned by the evasion in her tone. "It has been a while since we traversed it. But I can assure you, you can get a meeting with her by tomorrow afternoon."
A relieved smile came onto Hank's face. "Thank god," he uttered while letting out a deep breath.
"What has troubled you so?" Luna asked. Hank looked hesitant to answer. "Mr. Hill, I assure you, I am not going to divulge anything to anypony. The Dreamscape requires that I respect the privacy of all creatures. Were I to violate that trust, I would lose my title."
Hank looked at the pony princess with a hint of suspicion, but the look in the pony's eyes, which was both dignified and welcoming, made him let out a sigh. "Up until now, I thought I was having a crazy dream," Hank said with some sadness. "But apparently, I'm in some other world, away from my..." Hank let out a heavy sigh instead of crying.
"You miss your loved ones?" Luna asked empathetically. Hank looked down at the floor, ashamed, He felt something warm on his arm. The pony princess was putting a warm wing on his arm. "Mr. Hill, you believe that showing emotions makes you weak. I assure you, they don't. It is natural for any creature to feel longing for their loved ones. I don't blame you for how you feel." Princess Luna then pulled Hank into some weird wing hug, that was unusually comforting. "I too know what it is like to be separated from your loved ones. Even the mightiest among us can feel tears."
Hank finally lost his composure and began crying, while Luna comforted him with soothing words.
"It isn't just that." Luna released Hank from his hug. He wiped his eyes and took a few deep breaths. "I feel guilty too. These ponies are...good folk...and I have to lie to them."
Luna gave Hank another small but reassuring smile. "Mr. Hill, I can tell that you are not a normally malicious man. In your situation, you don't have any other choice. But don't worry, my sister and I will discuss this with Twilight, and she''ll help you."
A calm smile appeared on Hank's face. "Thank you, Princess!" Suddenly, he was surrounded by a white light. "What's happening?!" Hank covered his eyes.
"You're waking up, Mr. Hill," Princess Luna assured. "But please remember, sir, you are not alone. And I'll be hear to talk in case you need it." A light surrounded him.
The sound of a rooster echoed throughout Sweet Apple Acres. The Apple family and their guest came too, ready for another day of work.
"Alright everypony," Granny screeched. The Apple family and Hank stood in a circle around the green mare, waiting on her instructions.
"The Princess will be here today." The Apples, even Big Mac, looked incredibly excited. Hank smiled, but not the smile of excitement that was on their faces.
Apple Bloom looked like she was getting a second birthday. "Really? Oh boy!"
Granny was stern. "We have to work hard to prepare for her luncheon, so no dilly-dallying."
"OK!"
"Yes, granny!"
"Yes ma'am."
"Eeyup."
"Now git to work!" The old mare bellowed. The Apples went to work with enthusiasm, while Hank worked with excitement and hope.
"Oh Mr. Hill you are so lucky," Applejack drawled while getting ready to buck some trees. "That you get to meet the Princess."
"No one is more eager than me," Hank uttered with an odd smile.
"Thank you very much Princess for coming here," Mayor Mare said ecstatically.
Hank saw how everypony in town dropped whatever they were doing and came to the town center to greet the Princess. He was stunned, but not surprised. This princess definitely had presence.
The mare was tall, beautiful, and spoke with an odd combination of strength and grace. Despite being a proud, freedom-loving American, Hank felt the need to bow to this Princess when the white mare laid her eyes on him. Something about the mare...made him awed, but he couldn't explain it. Maybe it was the knowledge that she could control the sun. Maybe it was some kind of instinct all the creatures of this world seemed to share. In any case, he felt a reverence for this mare that was unlike anything he felt for anything besides God and Tom Landry.
"It is a pleasure to grace you, my little ponies," Princess Celestia said. Even the way she spoke made Hank feel all fuzzy inside. Politicians always said kind things, but never really meant them. This Princess really sounded like she saw her subjects as her own children. "But I have business to conduct with Princess Twilight and Mr. Hill."
"Lucky," Rainbow Dash muttered next to him with a weird combination of jealousy and joy. Him and Twilight's friends sat at table near where Princess Celestia and the Mayor were conversing. "You got the Princess of Day to help you out!"
Hank laughed sheepishly. With a gesture from Twilight, Hank followed the two mares into the tree library.
They all sat down in the main room of the library, enjoying tea brought in by Spike. Princess Celestia looked at Hank with an odd smile, while Twilight looked giddy.
"Um..."
"I can't believe it!" Twilight gushed excitedly. "A real life alien in Ponyville!"
"I guess I'm an alien," Hank agreed reluctantly.
"We could share stories, ask you about the ponies experience from the eyes of a foreign creature."
"Uh-,"
"Collect biological samples for me to study-,"
Hank looked mortified. "Excuse me!"
"My star student." The words were gentle, but Twilight's rambling ceased immediately. Despite Celestia looking serene, the purple unicorn looked like she was given a death sentence. "I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you should know not to treat a sentient creature like a test subject."
Twilight's ears fell flat on her head. "I'm sorry Mr. Hill."
"Don't worry about it," Hank said. The propane salesman turned to the Princess with respect he only reserved for the police, the firefighters, Mr. Strickland, the other leaders of the propane industry, LBJ, and Bill when he bathed. "Your majesty," Hank said while bowing his head, "thank you so much for helping me out."
"Mr. Hill, it is my honor," Princess Celestia said. Hank raised his head, and the mare continued to give him that same enigmatic smile. Hank wondered how good she would be at poker, but decided to get to the matter at hand, or hoof.
"Your majesty, Luna said you had a way for me to get back home?" Princess Celestia's expression became a bit more grave.
"I thought I did," Princess Celestia said with a serious expression. "I possess a magical mirror that can take a pony to a human world." Hank smiled, but it faded when he realized the "a".
"What's the problem, your majesty?" Twilight asked.
"The world beyond the mirror and your own are not the same ones." Princess Celestia said. "It also won't open for several more moons. And you aren't like to find anything you desire there." As someone who had to read emotions to sell them propane, Hank couldn't help but notice the bitterness in the usually serene mare's voice.
Twilight noticed it, as indicated by her concerned look. "Your majesty, is everything-,"
"I'm fine Twilight," Princess Celestia said somewhat defensively, taking a very polite sip of tea in her magical grip. Once she put the tea down, she regained her composure. "Mr. Hill, based off the memories Princess Luna gave me, your world is not the one you'd find."
"So, can we find other worlds?" Hank asked the white mare with a hint of desperation.
"Unfortunately Hank," Twilight spoke up, "I studied the issue. It is possible to use the mirror to find other worlds, but we have no control over which one it opens up too. The multiverse has an infinite number of worlds, and we can't be sure where you'll be."
Despite being in the presence of polite company, Hank looked unabashedly morose.
"Mr. Hill," Princess Celestia said with a smile, "I have another explanation for why you're here."
Hank's expression was neutral. "Why?"
"It is possible Harmony has summoned you to Equestria for a quest, and you can't leave until they complete it." Princess Celestia said with a smile.
"Quest?" Hank asked. "You mean, I got to...like...slay a dragon." An annoyed cough echoed from across the room. Hank turned to look at Spike who was glaring at him angrily. "I meant evil dragons," Hank said sheepishly. Spike let out a snort of disbelief before waddling away with an angry mutter.
"Not necessarily," Princess Celestia said with a smirk. "The quest could be anything. It could be a battle with personal demons. It could be an emotional one. Perhaps you are here to solve a problem to face this land. Harmony has given you the opportunity to come to this land for a reason."
"Can you tell me so I can get it over with?" Hank asked impatiently. Celestia let out a small chuckle.
"Mr. Hill, these quests are your responsibility," Princess Celestia said with a sly smile. "I do not know what lesson you must learn. That is for you to find out."
Hank looked dismayed. "Oh?"
"But fret not Mr. Hill," Princess Celestia said with a small smile. "My sister and I will aid you in your quest, as will Twilight who will protect your secret."
"I will Princess and Mr. Hill," Twilight said with a small smile.
Hank was taken aback by the sincerity of both mares. "Thank you kindly. But why are you taking the time to help me?"
Twilight's smile got wider. "Because that's what friends do!" Hank was moved by the warmth in her voice, while Princess Celestia looked at Twilight like a mother proud of her child.
"I must depart now for other business," Princess Celestia said, rising from her chair. She gave one last glance at Hank. "And remember, if you need my help, don't be afraid to send me a message through Twilight." She turned to Twilight. "Good boy, my star student."
Twilight shot Princess Celestia a happy smile. "Goodbye your majesty." Princess Celestia walked out of the library to greet other ponies. Twilight looked at Hank, who looked unusually pensive.
"Mr. Hill?" Twilight asked. "Are you-,"
"I GOT IT!" Hank lept out of his chair happily. "I FIGURED OUT WHAT I MEANT TO DO!"
Twilight was taken aback by the enthusiasm the stallion showed. "What?"
Hank let out a joyful laugh. "Well, Twilight, how would you like to learn about something...clean...and...efficient ."
This Epilogue Ain't Right
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. 