How I Fell In Love With A Pony

Step one: cry. Cry like you’ve never cried before. Cry because you realize that, next to the beautiful art form that you’re attempting to win the heart of, you are a sorry, sad sack of bones, blood, and fur. Your grey coat and dull colored mane aren’t anything special, and you look like you jumped off of the nearest Equestrian turnip truck. You realize that you aren’t exactly a gift to mares everywhere, and so you cry. You know that, no matter what, she isn’t going to love you back. You think of giving up, but then you remember just how important she is to you, and you become determined. Whether that determination is bold or completely stupid is yet to be decided, but it is there, all the same.

Step two: find help. You know that you cannot do this alone. You need a wing pony, and so you go throughout the land, seeking the one pony who could possibly help in this time of crisis. For me, that subject was easy to find. I traveled to Ponyville, where I would soon begin work in the School of Friendship. Princess Twilight and the newest Princess, Starlight Glimmer, had been kind enough to offer me a job teaching about humans and their culture to the students there. “Every creature should be taught to be friendly towards humans, should something like this ever happen again,” Twilight had said, “and you would be a perfect fit for the job!”

So I had accepted her offer, but seeing as how paperwork had to be filed and other various business related things had to happen, I would not begin teaching for a few days. But I traveled to Ponyville anyway, in order to meet up with my new right hand mare, Rarity. I had written her about helping me and she responded, with her exuberance and enthusiasm somehow being more prevalent on the page than the ink itself, that she would be delighted to assist. She had told me how she was a big fan of romance, and considering this would be the first ever relationship between a human and a pony, it would also be historic. “I’m always looking to make history!” She had written.

Step three: meeting your helper. When I arrived in Ponyville, Rarity was waiting for me at the train station. Her hooves were quivering with excitement, and she had a smile on her face that nearly blinded me. She was obviously a big fan of oral hygiene, and she showed it in her flashy gesture. “I’m so happy to see you!” She said as she knocked me over, “welcome back to Ponyville!”

“Thanks, Rare,” I said as I returned the hug, “it’s wonderful to see you, too!”

“You probably don’t remember much of our little hamlet, considering the shortness of your previous stay,” she said as she let me back up, “but it hasn’t changed much.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt it,” I said, “but I remember everything Fluttershy showed me, and if it’s still like that, then everything’s gonna be alright.”

She smiled again and we trotted off from the station and into town. I once again marveled at the similarities, yet differences between the small homes the ponies had built there. They each had their own individual charm, and the hooves of the inhabitants were plastered all over them. Some had large gardens, while others were painted in wildly eccentric fashions. I did notice, with a bit of a frown, that one house looked to be split between two houses. One side was classically done, with a nice finish. The other was way more modern and very rough around the edges. But they seemed to fit together, which was what confused me. There is no way in hell that those styles should be compatible, I told myself.

“Um, Rarity?”

“Yes, darling?” Rarity asked as she paused.

I pointed at the strange building. “Who lives there?”

“Oh, that’s the home of Octavia and DJ Pon-3…or Vinyl Scratch, depending on who you ask about it.”

“You have a pony living here with two names?”

“Well, the DJ Pon-3 thing is more of a stage name. I have it on good faith that her real name is Vinyl Scratch, but nopony ever bothers to ask her about it. She’s kind of quiet and keeps to herself.”

“So…who’s this Octavia pony?”

“Oh, her? She’s one of the best cellists in the land. She can play a mean Beethoofen!”

I giggled, “Beethoofen?”

“Yes, darling, the famous pony composer. Why?”

“We have a Beethoven back in my world!”

“Hm…maybe our worlds share more similarities than we first thought.”

We made our way through the rest of town and into Rarity’s boutique. It was everything I expected, but blown up to a much larger scale. Every last nook and cranny was as clean as a whistle, and the dress displays were organized very well. The ponies who were shopping there carefully made their way around every creation, analyzing it down to the fibers with which it was sewed. Rather particular ponies, I told myself, but then again, this is a fashion shop.

Rarity led me into her “inspiration room,” which doubled as her bedroom, and then led me into step four: preparation. “Darling,” she said, “you are going to be asking the ruler of Equestria out on a date. This isn’t your typical ‘teen filly meets teen colt’ sort of thing. You must be suave, debonair, and sophisticated!”

She ran over to a closet and pulled out one of her mannequins. It was done up in a rather dashing tuxedo, with a bow tie and tails to match. “My dear Stony Tail, you must knock Twilight right off her hooves! This outfit should do the trick. I began work on it as soon as I received your letter. It took me a few hours, but it’s done and it is chez magnifique!”

“It looks nice, and I’m very grateful that you made it for me” I said honestly, “but…don’t you think that’s overdoing it a little? I mean, Twi doesn’t exactly seem like the type of pony who would go for that. She’s so…down to Earth.”

Rarity chuckled. “Darling, darling, darling. Twilight Sparkle is THE most important pony in Equestria! You have to dazzle her! She’s no longer the kind librarian of our town, she’s somepony with power and influence. You must dress for the occasion, my dear! I insist!”

“Whatever you say, Rarity.”

Step five: having your wing pony, who is also a fashionista, dress you and then poke and prod at you until you feel as if you should have her arrested. “If you’d stop squirming, this would go a lot faster,” she muttered, “Princess Twilight’s heart will not be won by somepony who is dressed sloppily. We must be BOLD!”

I sighed. I really loved having Rarity as a friend, but her dramatic accentuations of everything were beginning to get annoying. “Rarity,” I complained, “I feel as if you’ve been prodding my flanks for hours now!”

“That’s because I HAVE been prodding your flanks for hours!”

“Well, when the hell are you gonna be done?”

“I’ll be done when I’m done, now be a dear and shut up!”

It didn’t take her very much longer, and soon enough she declared that I was ready to impress Princess Twilight. Truthfully, I felt incredibly ridiculous standing there all dressed up, but Rarity seemed to know what she was talking about. I just assumed that she had seen this type of thing done before, so I stopped doubting her and went with it.

“Tonight,” she said, “you and Twilight shall have dinner under the stars at Canterlot’s finest restaurant! Don’t worry, dear, I’ll take care of everything.”

“But I haven’t even asked her out yet!”

“Don’t worry, my dear, you’ll be smashing! Now, let’s go! We’ve got a train to catch!”

Steps six, seven, eight, and nine: worry. Worry as if you’ve never worried before. Worry so much that you begin sweating into your tuxedo and Rarity has to magically reapply the aroma enhancing spell she cast on you. “My Celestia, sweetness, you’re sweating into the fabric! What in Equestria has gotten into you?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s just the fact that I’m about to ask out the most high profile girl I’ve ever asked; and considering my luck with girls in my world, I’m not very enthused.”

“Oh, darling,” Rarity said, “you care for her, don’t you?”

“Of course,” I said, “I…love her.”

“Aw…” Rarity said, smiling, “well, then, trust your heart to tell you what to say.”

“That’s probably the sappiest piece of advice you’ve given me all day. But…I’m happy to take it. Thanks, Rarity.”

“You’re welcome, Stony,” she said, “and remember, I’m gonna be in the palace right outside wherever this takes place. If all goes well, I’ll be there to celebrate with you. If it doesn’t, you have a friendly shoulder to cry on.”

Step ten: go for it. When the train arrived back in Canterlot, we trotted up to the castle and the guards happily let us in. We went straight to the throne room, thinking that Twilight would be there. But she wasn’t, so we went about the palace searching for her. We finally found her heading off to her own personal quarters. She turned and smiled and embraced the both of us. “Stony, Rarity, it’s wonderful to see the both of you! But…I must ask…why are you all dressed up, Stony?”

“I…er…have something to ask you,” I stuttered.

“Alright,” Twilight said, sitting down, “go ahead.”

Rarity looked on with shock and happiness. Apparently, she couldn’t believe that she was going to witness the first time a human asked a pony out. She was giddy, but she held her emotions in check. As for me, I was a nervous wreck. Twilight’s spectacular gaze sparkled down on me, and I was putty in its light. I had heard rumors that there were songs written of those wondrous orbs, and I could tell why.

I gulped. “Twilight…would…would you care to…join me for dinner tonight?”

To be continued…